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Topics - SunnyDays

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Music / Do you create play music to express the CPTSD?
« on: December 28, 2018, 01:59:55 AM »
Hello,  :grouphug:

I compose music, professional. Sometimes s my main job. And there's a constant battle here that can be translated in any other art form...

When I create music, I focus on angelic, peaceful, loving places. BUT sometimes I feel that I need to express the darkness. It's an inner battle. Jungian. The Shadow...

Does this indecision happen to you guys?
Which direction to go... A, B, or... both?

English is not my tongue language, I hope you can understand this.

Happy holidays,
Sunny

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General Discussion / Vulnerable moments anyone?
« on: September 24, 2018, 02:33:27 AM »
I'm here, 3 and a half hours after the event, still trying to feel relaxed, sometimes it takes time.
I'm just worried that this is affecting my work, and therefore my escape from this hell-house I live in.

Today, after days of Roman peace, I've found out that telling the abusers "I'm in a bad mood/feeling asleep" after a narc gave me an order, is a dangerous situation for me.
 
A narcissist in my family said after my reply to the order and honest comment of being asleep: "I don't g a *****!"  and then, even when I was trying to calm the waters, a second narc joined and their drama began.
The attack was in stereo, as usual. And as you know, it was not a normal (even healthy) family fight, but a narc-sick one.

The most interesting part of the attack occurred in what I call an antilove-bombing, rivers of words of hate and threats (quite incoherent phrases I must say).

Conclusions...?

If you feel asleep and try to be "good" with them, that's a moment when they might attack you. Yes, they attack when you feel vulnerable, that's nothing new, but that's my reminder-lesson of the day.

We all have moments of vulnerability, and yes they might attack, and we might even fall (like I did) into the trap of "explaining" your good intentions.  -  But it's ok, I just need to refocus and move on. I'm doing that now, it takes time sometimes.

The positive aspect is that they show what they are really thinking and show who they really are once more, and that is always a good reminder.

I feel very tense and this is preventing me from doing my work normally tonight, that's worrying me a bit, to be honest.
Because if I can't focus I can't earn the money I need to escape once more.

 :no: It's true when some experts say that it takes up to 7 tries in average to leave.


3
General Discussion / Another good moment In my life, another abuse (today)
« on: September 08, 2018, 03:17:50 PM »
Last year I ve found a job... Days after that in front of my 19 yo daughter, a huge insane drama crisis. I can't write well on this phone... But I'll try.

And this weekend history repeats.

It's just so hard to avoid replying when out of the blue on a special moment they abuse in everyway of you...
Grat rock is hard to achieve when you're stuck again in the house of the abusers, and one falls into their reply-me trap.

At least one thing it's clear, they make evident (even more) about their true thoughts once more...

I'm heading to my psychiatrist, my head hurts.

It's hard.



4
Dear peers,

today I've had the idea of expressing myself with a serious, well done, documentary. Covering the effects of this exact pattern everywhere.

I don't want to expose myself since I'm still surviving inside a very abusive family. Anyway, I'm gathering and buying many books on this huge topic, in order to increase public awareness. Especially in the science community.

I want to use a pseudonym, I think it is legal and bounding.

Anyway, what do you think of this? I want to show extreme pain and triggering (for us) situations so "they" can actually feel a bit of our messy life and work for thriving and recovering.

It is work for me, and it is something with meaning... what do you think? Is this a good idea. I want to do it "explicit" (not sexually explicit), but I want to show people crying nonstop every single night for physical abuse (like spanking without motive), and mental brutal abuse when we grow and its effects.

I want to have an extreme care of not "excite" people but to feel (and understand thru empathy our pain).

It will be hard so I need your emotional support and wisdom because it will be like a cognitive therapy approach for me. But I CAN.

First I will create a simple trailer...
Please share your opinions, I will hear all the points of view, and try to do my best. Even while this is triggering for me...

Love,
Sunny

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Questions/Suggestions/Comments/Shout Outs / HTTPS versus HTTP
« on: September 04, 2018, 04:48:07 PM »
Hello dear peers,

There's a slight enhancement with huge repercussions. We all know they are stalkers, in extremis.
I've noticed the forum isn't encrypted, not https. I can help you willingly and free to change that. I'm an experienced software developer and this will give me a good feeling like I can help myself and others a bit.
Microsoft consultant, I've worked for banks and the government.

Let me know.

Love,
Sunny

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Hello, have anyone being in this situation. After a disastrous depletion of resources and work and money (I've always worked and earned quite OK!), now I have a small place to escape from 2 abusers, decades of abuse as you may guess.

But I don't want to leave my computers, expensive keyboards, and specially: 3 huge boxed of DVDs full of personal information of all kind, documents (both digital and in paper),. Takes a lot of energy, time and I don't know how to escape.

Any advices, hard to think outside the box right now...

thanks,
Sunny

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Music / A bittersweet, and will giving song about we all.
« on: August 13, 2018, 12:40:32 AM »
It's been a very short time when I realized what was really going on (I went thru many philosophies and information for decades), but now I can sing happier than ever before this song:

Live, modern version
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ZFET-MM0QI

Original version (both are good)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ab6s_ZvPQOE

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Hello,

    As you may already know, "they" are very very very privacy invaders. And in this digital age, it's so easy to hire someone or do it yourself for them to know almost everything about you. I'd like (if you want) to teach about security, that's my field (for free since I want to share all my discoveries and this is my fields). Is there anyone interested?

Sunny.:

9
Introductory Post / Hello! Another fellow with CPTSD :S
« on: August 11, 2018, 01:30:25 AM »
Hello,

    I'm "Sunny", and new here (as you may already guess :) ).

     And finally, finally, this year, I became familiar with this problem... *relief*
     I was finally able to understand it just about 2 months ago.


Thanks to many persons that went thru quite similar problems I was able to understand things like my panic attacks (way back in the 2000s) and my general current general anxiety. I've bought From Surviving to Thriving, and What's wrong with you Dad? And I've seen *tons* of selected videos. Along with a deep introspection (a sincere one).

     I'm being always monitored by a counsellor (for years and years) it is a need. But, is hard to explain the issue to them, or they don't *really* get it. So I'm considering switching to a more specialized place. (PTSD, neuroscience-oriented places)
 
     Being able to *know* that I was a target of abuse...and I currently struggle with Complex Post Traumatic Syndrome is such a relief, there's hope for a better future. Because anxiety + some medicines (as a consequence) is crippling. And can't sustain a job, even when I'm capable. So I want to turn the tide for good. I have no friends (you know real friends), I've been married for 15 years until 2010... I thought things will get better but no, I was in my mother's house (yes, I still quite a bit feel shame too having 41 years old!) along with my grandmother (81).

- In my case, CPTSD generated a lot of problems, being the most evident anxiety and fear. (Thankfully years ago I was able to ''''handle''' a bit the guilt.

Anyway, I was wrongly prescribed by a familiar at in my 20s with a typical benzodiazepine, and now I'm struggling to drop it (in a healthy and monitored way by a physician).

I just need a human touch (talk, laugh, share) and a job that so I can leave alone and start the recovery. I'm still here, feeling stuck, but deep down I know I'm not.

Thanks for reading this story! I hope I was clear.
Sunny

Oh! My apologies if my English is not good enough, or rusty :S

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