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I notice I do this every now and again. I know both words and understand the conversation and everything, but it's as if I'll have a sudden brain malfunction and substitute an almost random word I know for the one I intended to use. I did this recently and felt so stupid and embarrassed the entire day after I realised what happened later. I never notice in the moment, but once I do I feel completely humiliated.

One example is that I was walking with a friend. He was very involved in the conversation, so much that he wasn't looking where he was going. There was a beam/pillar in his path. Obviously, I know the word for that. However, for some reason, `pole' is what popped out when I warned him. And all he could do was look at me, frowning and ask `pole'? He doesn't know I have C-PTSD, so I wasn't going to randomly explain it all right then.

Or, other times, I could use a word that is commonly used with another instead of the word I want. I was discussing work with a friend and colleague, when he mentioned potential copyright issues with an idea he had, hoping for my input. I meant to talk about avoiding `infringing a copyright', but said `seeking' instead, which made it sound like I would've intended to get copyright over the original artist after I blatantly took inspiration from their work.  Then I'm left wondering WHY did I say that? That is completely the opposite of what I meant! 

Does anyone else suffer from this? Is there anything that can be done?

Has anyone ever managed it? I get wracked with anxiety, start shaking, going red in the face, feel my eyes watering... Inside it's sheer panic and a million negative thoughts a minute. I completely lose it. Has anyone else who suffers from this succeeded at becoming calm and collected during any type of conflict? Please note that, for me, conflict can be as tiny as simply sharing an opinion that differs. I won't have that bad of a reaction, but I'll still feel my heart thumping and my voice wavering ever so slightly. It's enough to make me incredibly self-conscious.

Does anyone know of any? I find this is something I have been struggling with the most for several years. I do not have access to a psychologist or therapy, but I think any resources would help me immensely. Someone mentioned there was a chapter on this in Pete Walker's C-PTSD book, but I didn't find that part.  If anyone can recommend anything else, whether it's a book, a website, or something else, I'd really appreciate it.

I don't remember where I read this, but somewhere I learnt that this could indeed be a common symptom of C-PTSD.

It just seems as if I don't have the willpower to do what I truly want to do, even if I want it. Previously, I would have said I got distracted, I got depressed, then I was abused by my MIL, which led to me always hearing her voice telling me I was `wasting my time', would `never succeed' and that it was `impossible' I could do what I wanted to do. Other times, due to her abuse, I told myself I didn't deserve to have this time to write and draw, and that I should be spending it all on something else that would please her.

Even now, despite recognising all of these things and having spent time trying to work through it all, I just can't do it. I used to do it all the time when I was a teenager. Every spare moment was spent writing or drawing and now I either can't do it, or I end up feeling sad and useless, then quitting. The only time I ever spend drawing is at work, for other people. Why can't I have the same enthusiasm when it comes to doing it for myself? Why does every success I am proud of not remove this reluctance to sit down and practise what I love? It makes no sense, yet this blockade exists and I cannot seem to pass it. Can anyone help?

I have countless reasons to suspect my MIL is a narcissist. She will be visiting soon. She won't be staying in our home, but in such a huge city it was impossible to book an apartment large enough we could eat there (she has issues eating out and it will be `weird foreign food' for her), so she will be in our apartment every evening. I may make up some overtime to avoid having to spend too much time with her, especially if I smell an avalanche of criticism coming from the get-go, or nasty subtle insults about my weight, racial background, personality, etc. I can't even be sick without her nagging me about `making it worse' because I am `coughing in the wrong way'. 

With my C-PTSD, I have been stressing a lot about this visit and have already had several flashbacks because, honestly, someone like this in my life does not help. This is why I am so glad to live on the other side of the planet, but I still freak out when a visit is drawing near. Is there anything I can do to help myself keep it together, to remain calm when defending any boundaries I have set? Does anyone else have experience struggling with people that make their C-PTSD worse? What do you do? Can you recommend anything? (Please don't recommend therapy/therapists because this is pretty much useless in my location and will not help.)

I think I may have mentioned this elsewhere, but my ILs are coming to visit next month. My FIL is fine, but MIL I suspect is a narcissist. She's on good behaviour now that we live really far away, but she still lets slip with subtle jabs at me, constantly over-analyses and criticises everything, is extremely nosy and is overall a difficult person to deal with. I think this is why I have been suffering quite a few EFs lately. She's not staying with us, but she will be in our home regularly for dinner.

Anyway, in relation to this and my birth control pills running out just after they arrive, I decided to make an appointment with my gyn very, very early. This is normally the best way of avoiding any last-minute disasters, but even that didn't work out this time. Firstly, her hours changed and are no longer in synch with my out-of-work hours and there are multiple national and office-specific holidays approaching. In two weeks, I'll be going to visit family, but it doesn't work out before that trip. I was offered another gyn, but I have been sexually abused as a child and am NOT comfortable with taking another gyn! Especially since it's time for check-ups! So I tried booking in September. Then I was told my gyn was on holiday for two weeks after I get back! I booked an appointment the day she is back, but because there need to be checks done, I don't expect to get the pills until one week later. This means either going back the SAME DAY my in-laws arrive (we're supposed to meet them), or the following Friday (when I bet uNMIL will expect me to guide them around as it's my usual day off) because AGAIN there are two national holidays that week, I will completely run out of pills Saturday, and shortly after they get here we're going on a trip with them! 

Add to this uNMIL is unreasonably nosy about periods, gynaecologist appointments, and even our sex life early on (we've put a stop to that long ago) and I am feeling extremely stressed right now.

I know it's not the end of the world and I won't die without birth control pills, or be physically harmed by uNMIL asking probing questions, but does anyone else feel similarly overwhelmed with stress when it seems like all these blockades continuously pop up and divert you into the least pleasant route to take?

A while ago I really got into My Mad Fat Diary, which is a British TV series about a girl who is overweight, has very little confidence and has just been released from a psychiatric hospital. It follows her as she tries to reintegrate herself into the life she left behind, struggling with admitting the truth to her friends, trying not to relapse and trying to find a boyfriend. It may have some triggering content for those who struggled with self-harm and eating disorders, but it's a series that really spoke to me even if I didn't relate to everything she went through. Helps that it's hilarious, too! (Some things get censored, so please read the summary on imdb before watching if you think it will trigger you.)

Throughout this, she is seeing a therapist to help her adapt to the outside world again. It was one of the scenes with him that really did it for me. She was at a very low point, hating herself, insulting herself (much like she has an inner critic). Somehow they got to talking about her as a child (maybe he asked when these feelings started? Don't remember). At this point, he said he wanted her to imagine herself as a child, sitting in the chair nearby. He asked her to look at that little girl and tell her all the things she is telling herself right now. Tell her she's fat, tell her she's ugly and stupid... Since I had been relating to this so much, I had been doing what she had been doing and imagining saying these things to the little-girl version of myself got me crying so much. It was then that I realised how cruel I had let my inner critic be towards my inner child. It was such a revelation for me. It had been so hard to recognise I had an inner child, but this experience showed me that undoubtedly, I did, and I needed to start protecting her and building her self-esteem.

I have had several bad days recently and it often seems to happen when I am all alone because my husband has gone away (business trip). I am suffering from bad social anxiety, feeling everything is awful, expecting the worst and believing anyone smiling/laughing must be laughing at me. I've had things seemingly breaking on me, lots of small accidents where I hurt myself, a hornet almost smacked me straight in the face (some are potentially deadly where I live), several embarassing and awkward social encounters and a very painful doctor's appointment. It was my first mammogram and my uBPDNmum always made sure to make me very, very afraid of the horrific, evil pain that it causes. Due to my fear and the pain (which was not as bad as she claimed), I started sweating and they kept having to try it over and over again. I am so SORE. Didn't help that the receptionist and assistant saw me off and were snickering and whispering to each other as I left.

What can I do to feel better? I'm trying my best not to beat myself up and I feel I am doing a decent job at that, but I still feel rotten.

I think having a trauma-filled past that caused C-PTSD makes me a lot more vulnerable to future abuse. I have a uNMIL who covertly abuses me. I thought after all I've been through and how strong I've become, I wouldn't become a victim again.

TW: potential trigger in mentioning weight below ----------






I know I am by no means overweight, so although she made it her mission in life to convince me of that, I always logically knew that I was fine. Still, one day I realised it HAD affected me in a negative way. I was walking by a large, reflective surface (which barely registered as such at the time) and saw another woman. I thought, `Wow, she's really thin. Much thinner than me.' A few seconds later, I realised it was me. So despite logically knowing what uNMIL said was untrue, I subconsciously began to visualise my own body as being larger than it is in reality! I was shocked and deeply saddened by this discovery. That I was so easily manipulated down the path towards hating myself again.

What can we do to strengthen ourselves against further abuse? How can we make ourselves more aware of when our own perception has been manipulated by malignant people? Recognising my uNMIL as someone who does not have my best interest at heart did not protect me. Neither did mentally acknowledging that reality does not match her words. What can we do to protect ourselves in the event we encounter people who want to harm us or take advantage of us?

Does anyone else ever feel this way and what do you do to make it go away?

I can be doing really well in life in general and feel like I've made huge steps in recovering, but sometimes I get these bouts of feeling very down. Mainly it has to do with feelings such as, due to C-PTSD, there was so much I missed out on in life. There were so many things I wish I could go back and change and my life would be infinitely better, but I can't. I didn't get excellent grades despite my record because a part of my life that contributed to C-PTSD blew up right before exams. And now I feel like it's too late to correct anything. Now I'm too old and I'm too busy and not doing what I love because I can never find the time. There are always other obligations, such as work, taking care of my health or having some semblance of a social life. Then I feel like I will never follow my dream and take steps towards making it come true.

I read about shame-based personalities recently.

http://onlinecounsellingcollege.tumblr.com/post/135140958736/understanding-a-shame-based-personality

I was surprised to find I could relate to this so much that I have every trait on the list (some I have worked through more than others, but I started out with all of them 100%). I almost cried reading it. Can anyone else relate? Do you think having a shame-based personality is linked to C-PTSD? Has anyone else had these traits and successfully reduced them or got rid of them altogether? I wish I could be less afraid of others' judgement of me.

I will try my best to keep this short, but being more or less a life story, it is a challenge to do so.

I have lived through many traumatic events before I turned 16. The only things I have not had the misfortune of experiencing are rape, war and being mugged by a stranger. I have survived childhood physical and sexual abuse, physical assaults, sexual assaults, witnessing several car accidents involving pedestrians and being in one myself, the death of a loved one (and the only sane person in my family), attempted arson of my home, attempted murder of my pet, vandalism of my family's property. A lot of what I went through had to do with racism and/or sexism.

My immediate family was highly dysfunctional, with my mother dominating everything, gas-lighting us and abusing us. My father was beaten into submission via verbal and physical attacks and she threatened to lie to the police with her friends about him. My father is an immigrant and he is not white. It would be easy for police to believe the words of a group of little white women than one foreign man. My extended family was manipulated by my matriarchal grandmother who spread vicious gossip about her adult children, enjoying the mayhem caused by pitting them against one another and tangling them up in endless lies. Appealing to their emotions and sense of duty to reel them back in again. It's amazing how much they all know she does this, but refuse to cut her off. My grandfather was the only one who could keep her in check, but once he passed away she had free reign. In adult life, I went on to get sexually assaulted more, deal with more racism and put up with the spiritual abuse of my uNMIL. My uNMIL abuses me in other ways, but I have since learnt my lesson and put up my defences against her.

I always thought I was simply weak and broken all my life. I felt there was no way out of the * I was living in. Sometimes I still feel trapped and overwhelmed by negative things in my life and as if they'll extend on endlessly until I am gone. For a long time I thought I was 100% to blame for all my troubles and failures, but I realise now that if I hadn't lived through the things I have, I probably would have had a much easier time. I probably would have had a brighter future. While I'm doing all right in my life at the moment, sometimes I can't help thinking about how much the trauma and C-PTSD have stolen from me and I can't help but feel down. 

Sometimes I get triggered by certain events in my life. I am flooded with intense negative emotions and I find myself fighting so hard not to collapse into a heap and cry until it stops. It feels like I am reliving horrible moments that ended years ago because they are similar. I feel awful and exhausted afterwards. All I want to do is curl up and sleep until it all goes away.

I wish I could go to a therapist, but I've never been rich. As far as I know, C-PTSD is not officially recognised and I live in a country where I am not fluent in the language and they would not understand the cultural or racial aspects of the trauma I have lived through. I am joining this forum in the hopes talking and being with others who understand will help me cope and recover.