Menu

Show posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.

Show posts Menu

Topics - SharpAndBlunt

#1
Trigger warning: TW: I am asking for opinions about feelings I have from being abused that may cause others to feel same

--------------------------

Hi, as is usual I am not really sure of what I want, but maybe by asking the question I will get some affirmation, understanding or clarity.

Does anyone else who has suffered abuse feel 'exposed'. I mean, I feel like when I interact with people they instantly and instinctually understand that I am in some way tainted, dirty.

I understand to some extent that this is NSC. But I also feel there is some basis for it, because in order to survive I have had to develop a large measure of denial. When even I don't believe my denial anymore, it leads me to feel like I am fraudulently pretending I am coping. In short, I feel dirty and disgusting.

Not having had a safe place to explore these feelings, my only avenue was to bury them. Now that I am allowing them, I still feel that I can't be authentic, because I feel, probably wrongly, that I am inherently disgusting to other people. I recognise that this is a very negative pattern of feeling. Uncritical optimism is not however the answer. (I have used that to cope).
#2
Protective Factors / How to deal with sadness
November 04, 2019, 04:18:14 PM
Hi,
I just wondered if any other members have any advice on dealing with sadness.

I ask because I find it very difficult. This morning, for example, I felt a huge sense of sadness, but instead of being able to be with it, I 'stuffed' it in order to 'get on with my day'.

Now, in the afternoon, I feel a tightness in my chest and it's a real physical pain. I get this a lot and I'm sure it's just from stuffing my emotions.

It's like by swallowing it it comes back on me.

I wonder how I can be better able to live with my sad emotions.
#3
Hi all,

I would like to ask a very open question to everyone. Does anyone ever worry that they are using the board / forum too much?

I say that as I worry sometimes it might become a habit, a distraction even. I don't mind and don't think that distraction is a bad thing. But I do think I might get distracted from my own healing.

Does anyone else recognise this? How do you deal with it, if you do?

My idea that I'm working on is that when I feel bad, and /or having a mild or otherwise ef, I think the worst of myself and believe that I'm only posting for the worst of motives.

The reason I don't think like that all the time is that when I'm feeling stronger ir healthier, that thought doesn't enter my mind and I have a positive attitude. It seems so worrying to me that my outlook can veer so wildly like this, from one place to another. Maybe at such times I can think about taking a break and practising some self care.

Just wondering if anyone else can relate?
#4
Music / RIP Daniel Johnston
September 12, 2019, 04:30:21 PM
I thought others might enjoy this. I admit I didn't know anything about Daniel Johnston until today. He just passed away. I really like this.

https://youtu.be/dMYjCINcH9g
#5
Recovery Journals / SaB's 2nd journal
September 03, 2019, 06:22:12 PM
I want to keep journalling. It has been just over a year since I found and joined the forum. I've learned a lot. But I'm also at the beginning of recovery.

I have just started on Sertraline/Zoloft which seems to be helping with anxiety/panic. But I'm still anxious and fearful.

I have been given an appointment with a psychologist this Thursday, to repeat every two weeks. This is big news for me. I'm frightened about the work ahead. But mindful I need it too.

I hope this journal can help. I want to keep posting and recovering.
#6
For me, tied to hypervigilance is a deep need for approval, to avoid shame. People pleasing behaviour, needing approval as validation. I worry, is this so far removed from narcissistic behaviour? I think maybe the injury is similar but the result different. The risk of codependence is high.

Being talked about in the 3rd person like I wasn't present contributed to a weak sense of presence, of being in the room. A sense of learned helplessness that still persists to this day. Being patient with this is the hardest thing of all - to accept this is the way I was made. Massive shame over innocuous things, things I couldn't predict and had no way of knowing about. A terrible persistent fear that I am about to be unforgivably wrong, usually about something childish and harmless.

I'm glad I can recognise all this damage in myself. I'm glad I can see it's not true. I'm annoyed I have to deal with it and I get frustrated it takes so long and has so many setbacks. So many ways to make mistakes!
#7
Frustrated? Set Backs? / Self sabotage
August 08, 2019, 08:07:41 PM
Frustrated with my progress, my self sabotage in relationships that get anywhere near promising.

I get scared and find a reason to bail.

I seem to take something from the drama. I am very worried because this points towards a PD. It would make sense in me, to have inherited a PD would be just my luck. If I could relax it wouldn't be so worrying. Ugh, not sure what to do with this or what I hope to get from posting it, I'm just kind of at an edge from it.
#8
General Discussion / TW, sexual abuse, severity
August 06, 2019, 03:56:21 AM
Trigger warning. I will attempt to describe how 'mild' sexual abuse in childhood makes me feel in adulthood.

First, I want to express my puzzlement at the term 'mild sexual abuse'. I have heard enough to know that what happened to me was definitely at the mild end of the spectrum, physically speaking. For that I am grateful.

Then, on top of that the additional abuse (shame, secrecy, emotional, physical and psychological violence) compounds it to make it 1000 times worse than the initial offence appears at first glance.

Left me in no doubt that the fault was all mine and to even consider anything else is even more shameful and contemptible.

Later invalidation from other parent in adolescence further compounded this internalisation.

Worse was the occasional and almost sneaky admission from parent 2 that this went on, the implication being that hey, stuff happens, don't worry, just become an alcoholic and it's fine. Actually was asked in multiple occasions by parent 2 "Are you an alcoholic yet?".

The result is that I find it hard to trust. I find it hard to be intimate. My expectation is that if I am vulnerable with anyone it will be torn away and derided and torn up and thrown to the wind in no uncertain terms.

I 'know' this is wrong. But, unlearning that barrier is a slow and uphill battle.

I am not sure that the term 'mild sexual abuse' is appropriate. It could be that this is never used these days, I don't know, I'm not a professional so I wouldn't know.

I know that compounding any form of abuse with further shaming, blaming, violence and worse (?), silence, is a large part of what, for me, puts the c in cptsd. A small addition, I believe the c could also stand for chronic.
#9
Hi,

I have a friend who I'm really anxious around. I really like her and I enjoy spending time with her.

Early on in the friendship she told me she was afraid I 'wanted more' and that she 'didn't have the time for that right now'.

I understand what this means, to read between the lines it means 'just friends, forever'!

But, I regret I could have been clearer about receiving that meaning. I now don't know how to go back and clarify this for myself.

Anyway, I did try to not develop feelings for her but the problem is that I have. I feel like this is a bad situation for me because of that and I feel kind of stupid for letting it happen. But, I've never felt it that strongly before.

But I don't want to give up on a companionship (it works great when we are together) that might be rewarding.

I also feel completely cut off when we are not together, like I don't exist. This person has admitted she has some problems with communication and she is a very busy person, no doubt, but I feel her communication could be better.

I fear texting or emailing because often it will go unanswered. That way I don't know what is happening.

I need to tell this to her, but I don't know how far to go, telling her about my feelings or just keep it simple.

Complicating things I heard her bad mouth me in a group and I've not had the courage to openly ask about it. I did get slightly angry that night (this was some time ago) but the incident seems to have been glossed over.

I am very scared that this person might have some of the same attachment issues as me. I felt very overwhelmed at the start of the friendship, it was like a switch was thrown after we agreed to be friends and all the expectations had changed. I did not know how to deal with that and I got a bit scared. I find it very hard to admit to these feelings (feeling inadequate, not living up to her expectations). She did tell me she finds it hard to make friends.

Do I continue to enjoy her company and be OK with very low contract the rest of the time?

I feel there are so many 'normal' issues crossing with cptsd problems that I start to feel really triggered even thinking about texting this person ("Will I be ignored again?").

On the other hand I genuinely love spending time with her. Love is a concept that is very scary for me. If it ever does happen for me I will probably run a mile. Why do I feel like I might love someone who might not even care about me?

I want to give this all up but I'm not wanting this person out of my life. I feel like I'm being over reactive and un realistic. It pains me that I can't deal with this friendship. Maybe it is not a real friendship, more of an 'acquaintanceship'. I can't really deal with those. They are far too 'adult' and boring (!) for me to deal with. (I feel a bit ashamed writing this). But an arms length friendship doesn't really feel like real friendship to me. Do I need to readjust my expectations?

Sorry about this. It is really a vent and far too long. But it is kind of eating me up. For info, I have other friendships with females I don't have this problem with. It is with this one person. I recognise traits in her that I have. That makes me want to be with her. She likes spending time with me, but I'm not really alive to her in between times. I also feel a little childish having to ask about this here. Like, everyone but me will be able to plainly see what is happening here. Why can't I oversee this dysfunction (if that's what this is) and deal with this better. I'm really stuck in the mud on this one. Maybe this should be in my journal because I'm not even sure what I'm asking.

Maybe by writing this I will get some clarity. I invite comments on this, I don't know what to do.

Thanks if you have read this, it's far too long, sorry. Just one guy's feelings and they don't amount to much, I know, but they matter to me!  :stars: :'(
#10
This is about when I am at my lowest, I might be in a flashback and I can hardly even speak.

People then have spoken really hurtfully in my presence about me, sometimes aware I can hear them, other times thinking I can't hear them.

It's one of the most difficult things for me to deal with. I have a massive amount of hurt and anger over such incidents and find it impossible to forgive and very hard to broach the subject with the person.

This makes relationships almost impossible as I think it is natural to have some kind of nasty language like this. But maybe this is because I'm used to accepting it from my FOO.

I don't know whether to let a promising friendship wither because of this. I feel I am being too intense by bringing it up. And I'm scared I'll be ignored (I'll do it by email). But on the other hand, if I do nothing, the friendship is effectively over.

I have the same issues with some siblings and I have gone very low contact as a result.

At a time when I want to recover and come out of isolation I find I am isolating myself to protect myself. This is a kind of a catch 22 and right now it's making me very stressed. On top of my constant sadness it makes it very hard to act 'normal'.

I hope people reading this recognise it. I just find it really hard to deal with this. I tell myself I just need to grow up and be a man about such things. I also tell myself I need to recover and that is not the way.

My self compassion is still in a very early stage. I might need to be alone while I can develop that enough for healthy relationships.
#11
Family / Problems and finding their origins
September 26, 2018, 01:31:21 PM
Hi, reading a lot recently about FOO and NPD and it's clear to me my FOO have big issues.

I have 5 siblings, which for me really complicates things. I think we all trigger each other pretty badly.

My question is, with regard to triggering others in my FOO, I am terrified that it *is* actually all my fault?

I seem to be the one who gets blamed for not living up to some ideal of theirs. Like I am the one causing their problems. I don't know if it's because I'm the youngest. I do try to keep myself to myself and live quietly and not to cause any issues. But at get togethers my manner seems to cause great offence to those who are more outgoing and assertive. These people don't really care what effect their opinions have on others btw.

I do know that we have never lovingly supported one another. We do try and get along but it is almost impossible. I feel tiny little cliques form and move around and I usually am on the outside, but when for example I'm communicating with one sib i also can imagine the resentment from a couple of the others.

I often get the fear that I am the NPD and actually it's me and my passive stance causing the problem.
#12
General Discussion / Denial
September 09, 2018, 12:39:13 PM
I am so deep in denial.

This pain was too much for me 24 years ago. I can't face it again.

I hope the therapist can help me.

Keeping busy keeps it at bay. Music can help me see others ' pain. Drugs masked the pain but I am not going back there.

I am so far away from where I need to be.
#13
Sexual Abuse / Need to ask this (TW)
August 29, 2018, 01:31:22 PM
Opinions sought on the severity of the following situation

TW

I clearly remember my m. playing games with me that had a sexual element and passing it off as a harmless game and with giggles. I don't remember it being particularly unpleasant at the time but even then it was strange and the memory stays with me.

I also remember trying to play the same 'game' to my older (around 5 years older). sister, and being told to stop it (unsuprisingly) and being confused why it was a problem for her, if it is such a harmless giggle? I have learned since that sexualised behaviour in children is often a sign of abuse.

This behaviour from my m. now seems completely inappropriate to me. I could never in a million years do this to a child. But I never yet considered it full blown abuse, rationalising that if it was it was pretty lightweight! (this shrikes me as a bit bizarre right now but still essentially true)

I was also emotionally abused by m. , I strongly remember viscous screaming towards me, with me having no idea what I'd done wrong. This would be followed up by over compensating, being 'nice', treats in front of TV etc. All before the age of 5.

I'm so tired of wondering whether or not I need to do something with this. I don't really trust women. My father was emotionally distant and out at work the whole time. Both my parents are now dead.

I have a therapist booked in about a months time. I would like to gather any opinions I can on whether the actions I described above constitute abuse or not or even just for some reassurance. I have never been able to speak about it. Partly because I'm sure it would appear trivial to any one who has suffered serious abuse, of that I'm sure.

Thanks for reading.
#14
General Discussion / Losing track of thoughts
August 27, 2018, 08:35:39 AM
Hi,

This has been bothering me for a while. I wonder if anyone can tell me if there is a name for what I am experiencing?

I can describe it like this. It is like the thoughts in my head are a radio I am listening to. I am working through some train of thought, it is like I am listening to the 'radio' and responding with my own thoughts.

Then it is like the dial has turned and the radio has gone to a different station. I didn't choose to turn the dial but it definitely has, like an invisible hand has done it.

The train of thought I was engaging in has gone. I feel a sense of panic and I know 9 times out of 10 I won't be able to get back to the thread I was on.

This unpleasant experience, I would like to know what it is. Does anybody recognise it or know how to label it? I don't know if I am I triggering myself, experiencing disassociation or depersonalisation or being avoidant? Sorry - I am not familiar with all the terms so I find it hard to describe what I am experiencing. I told a therapist once it felt like my thoughts were being projected onto a screen and I was only watching them. He didn't seem too interested in exploring that.

Thanks in advance for any thoughts on this and sorry if its an obvious question that I should know about already. I feel a lot like that, like there's so much I don't know. I think I am certainly not used to discussing things like this openly so I feel a lot less practiced than I could be. I read a lot of posts on here and the insights people have on themselves is impressive. Impressive to be able to calmly acknowledge and work with aspects of yourself like that. I'm still trying to get to that point.

SaB.
#15
Poetry & Creative Writing / Vacuum Packed
August 26, 2018, 11:55:28 PM
This is a 2 line poem I made called Vacuum Packed. The poem is about wanting to connect but not being able to feel any connection to the outside.
I had never tried poetry but I attempted to on the suggestion of a friend. Most I threw out but I kind of like this one. It interests me because the language seems quite innocent and lighthearted but at the same time the image is kind of horrific   :Idunno:

Vacuum Packed
I don't extend much past my skin,
And that's a pickle to be in!
#16
Symptoms - Other / Fear of sleeping? (TW)
August 26, 2018, 11:34:42 PM
I was wondering if anyone else sometimes has a fear of going to sleep?

I had the dream below a few nights ago and since then I haven't been sleeping well.

Now I'm really tired but don't really want to go through that again. It might take me up to a week to forget about it. I find this kind of thing seems to happen every so often and makes the days a bit harder when I am so tired through lack of quality sleep.

TW
The other night I had a disturbing dream where I was with old friends, but I had done something wrong, yet I didn't know what it was. They were being quietly but openly hostile to me (we were watching sports on TV in this dream) and eventually I kept prompting them to tell me what was wrong and they just said 'You're vulnerable, you're vulnerable' while pointing at the TV. They repeated it twice just like that while still keeping eyes on the TV. It was a really weird dream. I didn't like the feelings at all, and I haven't seen these people for years
End TW

Just re-reading this back has given me an idea where the sports on tv thing has come from, but I'm going to let that sink in. I hope this post is not too weird!  :blink:
#17
Some days when I'm all at sea I want to write down what I'm thinking and feeling, sometimes I have insights that feel very important at the time but later seem insignificant. I don't seem to 'get' the bigger picture very easily.

What this hopefully is is a way to record my journey. By it being public it might make me keep it more concise, manageable and readable than my private written ramblings turn in to.

No major things to write today. Just a day ahead to fill, free time sometimes the hardest.
#18
DR - Disturbed Relationships / Feeling it's not fair
August 24, 2018, 08:18:04 PM
Anyone else get tired trying to work out what the 'correct' response is to any given social situation?

Often I just don't know how to respond, usually to light hearted things. Serious things I'm usually ok with.

I think it leads people to believe I'm just not very nice. Maybe that's true.

I get *really* tired having to work hard just to decipher what's the right thing to do. It's guesswork. Other people around me don't seem to struggle with this.

I don't like self pity but something makes me feel that's what this is. Aaagh! Self care and compassion doesn't seem so easy at times like this. My IC wants to berate me and shout me down in very acidic terms  :pissed:
#19
Hi,
First of all sorry if this post is too long, it is longer than probably my subsequent posts will be because it is my introduction. I hope these boards can help me and I hope I can help others too. Please read below if you want to know why I am here!

---

I often feel a great force trying to pull me down and it's an effort to stay afloat. I think it is me ignoring my emotions that cause me to feel that way.

I can't call it tired because if I lie down to sleep I just lie there with it and the sensation gets worse and worse. It's what I used to call tired, though, though now I recognise it's not tiredness I feel, just an un-named emotion or emotions.

I am a male in my early 40s who has been struggling every day since my late teens. I was mis-diagnosed with depression a couple of times. Even although I can see that I do not behave as a depressed person does, I accepted the diagnosis because a) a professional doctor told me that, and b) I had nothing else to go on.

Around two weeks ago I discovered online about cPTSD. Since then I have been reading articles every single day about it. Not one symptom describes something about me that isn't there. Everything about it confirms to me without a doubt this is what I am suffering from. I had no idea there was a known condition. I always considered myself lazy, or weak, or not good enough to fit in. Depression was the closest thing I could imagine, but I knew it wasn't right.

The health service in the UK I believe don't consider cPTSD as a condition, yet. Even Google tries to correct my search result every time ("Do you mean PTSD? Search again for cPTSD")!

I am currently seeing a good psychiatrist ever few months but he can't refer me to the psychologist because they can't agree on a diagnosis. So I have been educating myself. I have lost out on a lot of years due to this condition and not knowing what to do about it and having been told many times just to 'get over it', or 'it's not a real thing' or 'life is hard, get used to it'. I took myself off anti-depressants a few months ago because they weren't making any difference to me.

People have said (including people close to me) that I'm an *, a wank, or a moron, or I am attention seeking (a common one). These comments obviously hurt, so I self-isolate. As a result I feel very alienated and isolated. I need to monitor myself carefully to ensure that doesn't slide into depression.

I eat reasonably well, take exercise every day, and sleep, though reasonably short hours (about 6 hours is normal) and I rarely feel fully refreshed after sleep. I have disturbing dreams though I can rarely if ever remember the details. As soon as I wake my brain feels again like hot oil spitting in a frying pan.

I don't take drugs or use alcohol to take the pain away. My culture encourages only macho behaviour and alcoholism, so I have withdrawn from that also, so I have lost touch with friends that way.

I have intelligence, but no self-esteem. So I can appear confident on the outside while I 'fake it to make it' but this always ends badly, because I am no good at keeping up the front of a lie. Inwardly, I am always cringing, fearful and afraid. I startle easily and am hypervigilant.

I recognise all these signs from the book I just started reading – Pete Walker's 'Complex PTSD: From surviving to thriving'. This book has been like a lifeline to me. I am the kind of person who if he has a handbook is a happy man. I have never known there was a way to get a handle on all these things that I feel and are in my head. Now I know that there might be I can hope for the future.

But for now I am always hovering over a hair trigger of disassociation. It happens very easily to me. I think I have spent most of my life in a dissociative state. Triggers can lead to total internal collapse in public, confusion, losing my place in a conversation, talking irrelevant words etc., which leads people to think I might be weird, dangerous or just acting up.

Sometimes I tell myself this is just normal human anxiety I am feeling. But it has curtailed my activities every day of my adult life. I don't believe that is normal. I also struggle with the suspicion that disassociation is something I've chosen, as an easy way out. The problem is that it sucks as an easy way out, because it's not easy. This suspicion causes great shame and self-loathing, which makes me think it is just another symptom of my disordered thinking.

I literally can't relax. It makes holidays a nightmare (I need to be active – or asleep), and makes making new friends almost impossible.

I feel great shame, childish, and vulnerable. This is no way for a man my age to feel. I am so tired of it.

Main daily symptoms are an un-named dread, anxiety, bad butterflies in the stomach, a distorted sense of time, no enthusiasm, no creativity or imagination. I sometimes think of the cartoon 'Road Runner', more specifically the image of Wile E Coyote going off the cliff. His face when he looks to the camera and you realise he's terrified - that's how I feel, except I never ever fall. That sensation of hanging has been present for over 20 years.

I used to be a sociable person but disassociation means I can't really socialise with more than one person at a time, and sometimes not even that.

I am hopeful that by reading and educating my way out of this I can have a future. I only wish I had known about cPTSD sooner. It seems that literally no-one in my life I have tried to raise this with has understood or has been too afraid to want to engage with it. This is a big disappointment, but life is not just about me, and life goes on and would go on without me in it.

But I feel I have missed my potential in life in so many ways and I would like to try to remedy this in the next 20 years or whatever I have left.

If you have read this far I thank you for it. I don't want anybody to think I feel I am better or more worthy than anyone else when actually I believe the opposite. I just want to stop feeling helpless and get strong enough to try and live the life the way better adjusted people around me do.

I am very open to talking with others about this, which is why I have chosen to join this board, almost the first chance I have had since I found it.

Please feel free to PM or email me if there's anything you want to say or you think I can help with. I hope to post on the boards also.

Thanks again for reading.