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Topics - Yipeee

#1
Hi there

I'd like to introduce myself to the forum...

It has taken me a little while to pluck up the courage to do this...Not without wanting to of course, as I have found this space an immense resource of reassurance over last few years. In reading conversations, and how healing this has felt. I now realize that it is important to be a part of the conversation and community, and that I want to work on my relationships. My esteem has recovered that I feel I may actually have quite a lot to offer!
I am sure that many of you may understand how the tendency to isolate can feel! I now feel ready to address things within my relationships. As I do isolate easily, just as a way of feeling safe and what my T says just feels (family-ar), although I really am a sociable person, which is frustrating! I have just had weakened boundaries over the years from letting in the wrong people over and over again. Out of feeling lonely I suppose.

I was the scapegoat, and youngest child in an UNPD family. It's a long story, but simply put there was plenty of physical, emotional, psychological abuse, awful gas lighting, which inevitably led to me developing PTSD around age six when my on eof my PD parents tried to kill me in a rage. Although the abuse had been insidious prior to this from a young age, things changed for me then, I became very good at dissociating! But somehow my T says that I kept myself strong inside. I remember I fought and fought, twisted and turned, minimized my abuse, developed the fantasy bond, but was terrified, as I am sure you can understand. Somehow, despite all this I still kept a certain degree of discernment, and knew something was not right but could not quite put it into words.

Where am I at now? Well I've been in psychoanalytic talk therapy for seven years, and one year in CBT prior to that. I have healed a lot of the shame and guilt around a lot of the abuse. I went NC for three years which was the hardest thing I have ever done. I am now back in contact and somehow developing a good relationship with my parents. Carefully working through things with my dad. They are elderly and both very unwell.
The therapy journey has transformed my life in many. ways which I'd like to share some more with members here if I can.

Fortunately, I have just got out of a very unfortunate and unhealthy intimate relationship. Which I feel was a very close call for me. As I managed to extricate myself from this type of situation for the first time in my life, I feel I have set the healthy boundaries I needed for myself. Which leads me to do more healthy things, and to write this here! As I have found since leaving the relationship really reflecting on why I get into these relationships and how I can meet healthier people! Any chats about this would be welcomed!

I'd also be interested if anyone has advice around coming out of a relationship with a PD person and experiences people have had about recovery! I have been looking into the forum about this, particularly about how we can trust our own sense of discernment of certain unhealthy behaviours if we have suffered gas lighting. This is the difficult bit for me in relationships!

So I'll leave it there for now, and just like to say hello!! Looking forward to chatting with you!