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Topics - WideSargassoSea

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So just got an email from the police telling me they just visited and warned the parent who stalked me.

This despite me requesting from a previous officer specifically NOT to tell me when it happened, which he assured me was fine.

Now Im stuck with my mind on a loop speculating about how it went, what was said, what they may do as a result, and so on.

I had already been struggling incredibly and unfortunately turned to drink a bit late last night, which I feel bad about. I'd tried visiting the Samaritans twice last week but they were too busy so was unsuccessful. I feel utterly depressed, panicked, alone, and like Im fighting a losing battle. Every second I achieve one thing, something else massive comes along and hits me. Havent even been able to eat normally for two weeks since my dentist messed things up-my teeth were fine, yet they insisted on working on two teeth. Its only SINCE they 'repaired' those two teeth that both are now painful whenever I put pressure on them. One on either side of my mouth....

Things just keep piling up and I cant cope. Having awful nightmares every single night.

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After days thinking I was imagining things and being paranoid, I woke up, opened my curtains, and saw my abusive parent sitting on a wall right in front of the window staring at me meters away.

I started shaking immediately. Its my worst fears. There was possible sexual abuse, certainly inappropriate actions, along with emotional neglect when I was a child by her.

I got my camera and filmed her then went out to confront her and to get evidence I can hopefully use to report this. She admitted she was stalking, said she could do what she liked, and even tried all the gaslighting tricks. Claiming all the abuse was in my head, saying I'd be sorry for this one day.

Makes me feel sick and unclean just to write this. I called the police station and reported it but it meant an hour of going into painful past abuse, and now I have to go to the station next week to go into even more detail. Im dreading it-worse, I guarantee it will amount to nothing. No action from them.

I feel angry and frustrated and shaken and upset and sickened and violated.

I'd appreciate if anyone reading this just let me know somehow that they've seen it. Whether by posting an emoticon of a wave or a hello or a comment or whatever. I just want to know Im not alone in having to deal with all this stuff.

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Yesterday was really upsetting, and has exhausted me today. I literally cant face anything at all today.
 
Very short version is, I had a shocking dentist visit. Then today I realised I had unprocessed memories of upsetting visits to the dentist when I was a kid, mostly due to my mothers behaviour and lack of care/unbalanced actions etc.

But regardless, yesterdays visit shook me, and was not pretty at all. And now I am re-experiencing old painful things as a result.   
 

*TRIGGER WARNING* SKIP TO END IF UNCOMFORTABLE WITH SUBJECT MATTER

MEDICAL related things.


Basically blood. Utterly freaked me out. Dentists response too. That fake calm yet longer stressed silence and exchanged looks within the professional staff.

Been better if she'd just said-ok, well this is unexpected but we've dealt with much more than this before and its fine and will be sorted soon.

Im not great with such things anyway, and thought it was a routine afternoon of work. It should have been. I still cant write what happened fully.

I was already worried regarding a similar medical thing needing done because of having to face the red stuff, which I do not enjoy .

I put it out of my mind due to having to deal with the dentist. Except then the session with the dentist meant a lot of it before my eyes. Didnt hurt, but really, really upset me, and didnt know how to deal with it, and especially in a public place it was worse.

Not talking about the usual amount to be expected with a normal visit. Talking about the dentist themselve getting concerned.

I think she overused the tools a bit clumsily earlier, which caused it. Anyway, Im really upset about it now, and its unsettled me about dealing with the medical thing I mentioned.


*END OF TRIGGER ISSUE*



So trying to go easy on things today, allow myself day off, which I find hard. Tearful at times today. Shaken

I could just use a bunch of safe hugs and love/positive thoughts sent my way. Feel shaken and really upset.

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Really struggling  today, feeling utterly overwhelmed. Just dont know what to do as feel too many things need sorting and I cant face any of them. I just want to get away from it all.

Dont know if related to how I feel but read unwanted cards sent to me from parents of my FOO who am NC with. I know I felt bad after and a whole load of confusing emotions since.

I feel I need more human contact but at the same time I utterly cant face it. Feel like I need a year to cope with the things that have to do in a week. Worried about being by myself in the new year and getting stuck

Just really overwhelmed, know Im not in a good place and am utterly lost as to what to do about things.

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Its been nearly a year since I made any contact with FOO. And I have a very upsetting thought going round my mind and breaking my heart today, making it hard to cope.

I keep thinking they literally do not know if I am alive or dead, and yet, when they get together this Christmas, without me, they wont even think about me, and will have a good time without knowing if im alive or not. It wont affect their day at all.

The thought is like a knife to my heart, despite all the bad things they did to me, despite me being better off without them. It still hurts so much to consider how little I always meant to them and how much they always prioritized each other over me.

I could use any hugs, well wishes and so on sent my way, as well as any other ways to consider or look at this.

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Recovery Journals / Hoping for the best
« on: November 28, 2018, 03:36:54 PM »
Taking bit of a leap here. But I think its time. Im struggling at the moment, but I feel a journal may benefit in some ways.

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Introductory Post / hello out there
« on: November 18, 2018, 03:26:21 PM »
Hello. I have some trouble making sense of things sometimes so please excuse this post if it seems a bit odd or if Im repeating myself. So what brings me here?  Well, I had a bad upbringing from my family, and loads of emotional neglect, as well as an early life threatening incident due to said neglect. I have a lot of social anxiety and other lesser anxieties, that get in the way of things I'd like to do. At the moment I am dealing with depression-I think im processing a lot of past things for the first time and its a hard road.

Tried a bunch of therapists, some helped a little, most didnt. Have found most help through various books, and notably that Pete Walker one mentioned on this site. I dont have a support network, but am hoping to build one gradually, as I am also trying to deal with a lot of everyday practical tasks that have become quite big and so involve quite a bit of energy from me.

I like music, films, I care about people a lot (too much?), and have other interests too.  I think im gradually broadening out my inner coping mechanisms, being more kind to myself and so on, and also broadening out my future hopes and things to what works for me and what I really feel, whereas in the past I was always doing it for what I thought others expected of me.

Just the other day I pushed myself (far) too hard doing something and today I am struggling with the outcome of it. Hence a perhaps repeated post due to fatigue.

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