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HI guys, I ran my first marathon about a week ago. Naturally, the night before I had some anxiety. I went and had dinner with a branch of my family I don't often see, who know my sister quite well. This is the sister who I suspect has BPD or NPD or at least fleas; so dominant was she when we were growing up that my IC speaks half in her voice, and half in M's.

Over dinner I felt anxious as I felt I had to give updates of all my immediate family, who I am trying to go NC with, but didn't feel I could explain that to the family I was having dinner with. In particular, I have a young niece (maybe a second cousin once removed? hazy on the connection there) who regularly texts my sister.
I felt completely on edge, worried about what that sister might have said about me to her. Probably egotistical of me... but my sister is very frank about her opinions of others. She used to offload loads of her thoughts of others onto me.

That night, I had a bad dream, which is rare for me. My upper chest was tightened and collapsed and my breath was shallow, and I drifted out of sleep into the half-awake, almost lucid dream-state where I sometimes have interactions with my shadow. I was looking at myself asleep in bed, with a big black shadow crouched on my chest. I remember thinking: "It's a leech". It was sucking the breath, life and energy out of me. I knew it was my sister, though it didn't resemble her. Dream logic!
I've heard people say that problems with the chest are fear, and problems in the gut are anxiety. I think I have a real fear of how I feel when I'm around my family.
I don't want to return to feeling helpless and worthless again, as I did when I was a child.

I don't know that this means that my sister is an emotional leech, per se, but it was a physical representation of how I felt towards her at that dinner.
A shadowy figure, feeding on me, draining me of life.

Yesterday and the day before, I noticed I was browsing online shopping when I had some quite urgent work to be doing.
It's one of my addictive procrastination activities - not spending money, thank god, but wasting lots of time and energy searching for some "must have" item online.
I also noticed that my energy to do things - initiative - was very low yesterday as well. I got home and just didn't feel like doing dishes or prepping for work.

I think I used to feel this way practically all the time, but over the last couple of years it's been getting a little better - I'll just go and get started on some small activity that I know will make me feel better for having done it, and that usually gives me a little boost.
I noticed how I was feeling yesterday because it has become more unusual for me to feel that way over the last year.

Now I'm wondering what is the cause of the low mood.

I went away for the weekend and so didn't post here every day.
I wonder if posting here has been lifting my mood a bit.
Other things are my marathon - I was feeling a little underwhelmed by my experience and I'd been preparing for it for four months, so perhaps it's a slump after the anticipation. Perhaps even hormones from after the run, or a physical response to the pain and fatigue.

I'm feeling positive that at least I'm noticing my moods, and having a problem-solving response to them.

Recently, I ran my first marathon. I got through it; there was never any question in my mind of giving up.
I was cramping severely all down the backs of my legs just before halfway through, and ended up hobbling the entire second lap to come in at a few seconds over six hours.

I did fair bit of training, but fell off the bandwagon six weeks before the race. I was still training, but didn't do the long runs I was supposed to.
Nevertheless, I thought I  was on track. I had, after all, run a half-marathon in August, with a time of 2h05m.

I hadn't had a specific finish time in mind for the marathon, but it had never occurred to me that I would come in at over six hours.
A friend of a friend had got 6h15m in her first marathon and I had been encouraging; I would never say that that was a bad time.
However, I knew that she didn't run as much as me and hadn't trained as much as I had.
Is it hypocritical or arrogant of me to think that that was a decent time for her, but that I should have done better?

I really try to set realistic goals, and above all, not to compare myself to others.
I'm not feeling ashamed of my time; just the faintest touch of disappointment.
But I was a hoping to feel ecstatic and proud, and I certainly don't feel that.

I just thought I would feel more... satisfaction? elation? at completing my goal.
It was a bit of a bucket-list thing, but to be honest, I don't actually feel that I have achieved running a marathon.
I feel like I have faked and cheated my way through it, like I seem to do in all things in life.
I guess this could be imposter syndrome. I do feel like a fraud.

I do this for many goals/achievements in my life - after I finish, I'm always looking for the flaws.
I think it is a defense mechanism, to protect me from being put back in my place by family members when I get too big for my boots.

When I completed my BA at age 29, I was very proud, but I couldn't let myself feel it.
Why? Because I knew that my M would just say "what are you going to do for work now, then?"
And I didn't have an answer to that.

I so desperately wanted her and F and even my sisters to be proud.
And if I caught them at the right time on the right day, maybe one or all of them would be.

But maybe not. My eldest sister, for example, immediately said "what are you going to do for work now?". I don't think she even said congratulations.
She had taken a long time - ten years in fact - to finish her bachelor, with M berating her the whole time.
So she seemed to enjoy doing it to me - demanding I answer for myself, not validating my achievement.

I so need to let go of hoping for approval from people who have time and time again shown themselves to be incapable of giving it.
I always measure myself by my family's standards, which are whatever they are feeling in the moment; if they're feeling small, then they'll say things designed to make me feel small, and unfortunately, though I've been improving I am still sensitive to this.
So I just assume the worst to prepare myself for every eventuality, which really means that I hollow out the joy and sense of achievement from anything that I do in anticipation of their possible reactions.

It is hurting me, as I can never enjoy the positives, and any time I do achieve something positive, I actually associate it with negativity and brace myself for pain.
It is causing all sorts of self-sabotage as I find success more painful than failure, as it reinforces how alone I am, at least family-wise.
Recently, I've been building up my social support network, which is so much more fulfilling and healthy.
But I'm still struggling to let go, take risks, and expand.

Now that I've seen this association of success with pain, I am going to try a few things.
Meditation, reframing, journalling, and perhaps some CBT on the introjects I identify as coming from family, spending time with friends who are more positive.

But it's so hard to allow myself to believe that I've  done something well. I feel like I am going through life holding my breath.

My M has always been weirdly controlling over how emotions can be expressed and displayed.
My reactions to deaths in the family have been constrained and unprocessed because of it.

When my grandfather died while I was in my teens in another country. I didn't really have any feelings about him dying - without the body it felt unreal.
At the memorial service, I remember my M choosing to place me at the front of the church with my younger sister and saying something like "we'll have two up at the front looking sad, so everyone can feel better".
I hated the idea that my grief should be a display for others to feed off and benefit from; and to make the family look "good", and made sure I didn't shed a tear, not that I felt like it anyway.

A few yours ago, my partner's mother sadly died from complications with cancer. The way it happened was very unexpected and sudden.
It was the first time in my life I've interacted with death and grief in a normal way - we got the phone call, we cried, we went to the funeral, and so on.
It was devastating, but a healthy reaction to an awful reality.

M reacted in weird ways. I've spoken to her about it twice with the same result - she ended up trying to control what I say and how I feel.

First, she was the one who brought it up both times. Both times, I felt flattered that she cared and was interested in hearing my thoughts and feelings.
Then I started talking about it, naively opening up and saying how upset I was for bf's family because it was so unexpected, etc.
Then both times, she's gone beyond her tolerance level of having me speak about something unrelated to her, and she's snapped at me.
She ends up saying that that's "normal" with cancer; people die; implying I should "get over it", etc.
Trying to make out like my emotional actions are wrong and coming from a place of ignorance to make me feel inferior.

I hate that she can take the death of my bf's mother, who my bf cared about enormously, and twist it and make me off-balance and worrying about her reaction.
Why can't she just be a normal person, a normal mother, and support me, so that I can support my partner?
I also hate that I was fooled by her both times, and opened up. It makes me feel had, like I've lost a competition or a game. Her little game, with rules that she changes.

What kills me is, she brought it up. She's obviously not that annoyed by me talking about something she has no true interest in; she likes being able to slap me down.
She gets me opening up, milks it, then gets off the hurt and confusion I display.
No more, I'm wise to her sh*tty little tricks now. No more attempts to improve our relationship by trying to make it normal and share my thoughts and feelings.

She's not normal. My responsibility is to protect myself. 100% grey rock from now on.

I think I should possibly make a list of the abuses M (and S2) have done to me (offline, of course), because I often forget.
Meredith Miller of Inner Integration recommended this - can anyone say whether it's useful?

I understand that with C-PTSD, the traumatic memories are stored differently to regular ones, making it hard to retrieve them when you're in a normal state.
If you do manage to retrieve them, you run the risk of triggering the traumatic state you were in when they happened.
Having a list may make me feel more confident that it all happened, and it was all as bad as I think it is.

One part of me is telling me that that would be wallowing in the misery of it all.
However, I suspect that that's actually unhealthy programming from the narc and society (the part that enables family abuse).

Has anyone made lists of abuse, for various reasons - to help guard against gas lighting or to feel more confident in their informal diagnoses of the narc, etc?
What were your experiences from it?

[Improvements:]

HI there guys, I'm checking in with my progress so far.

Just over a month ago, I made a resolution to post on here more frequently, so you may have seen a lot of posts from me!
This was because I saw Elphanigh's post on this same board "No longer qualify" - saying that they have recovered so much.
I noticed that E has made many posts on the forum, and decided that it could be helpful to me.

I've also been to 2 narc support group meet ups during this time, and have been watching loads of youtube, etc.
The support group in particular has been amazing.

Improvements:
I think I can say that some feelings have been shifting for me in this time.
Posting information and reading others' posts and comments on my own posts is helping me understand and process my situation more.

I feel more confident and feel like my social anxiety in particular is now affecting me very little.
I think it's because I feel ok with revealing my true self more, because of higher self-esteem.
I've also stopped allowing my IC to attack me when I feel awkward, as I can identify what's happening, and that stops it in its tracks.
Perhaps as a result, I've been socialising a little more, and have made some new friends.

I am definitely feeling happier. Hard to say how much, or when this pattern started, but I'm not going to argue with a good thing.
I know it is the result of my hard work and dedication to self-work.

Areas to be improved:
My behaviours themselves haven't changed a great deal - keeping on top of housework & correspondence, prospecting for work, planning & prepping for the clients I do have, doing extra things I'm passionate about like writing and playing my guitar - all this has pretty much stayed at the same level, which is doing just enough work to keep essential activities going.

I'm ok with the fact that my inner state is more important at this stage.
My behaviours may start to shift naturally as a result of my improving moods and feelings about myself.
I'll give it a few more months and if they don't shift naturally, then I'll start looking at ways of working on building better habits, such as coaching.

I'm still not sure how to address my current relationship with my family, especially M, who is the main "point of contact" within the family and triangulates us.
I'm currently in LC and have considered NC. Just can't figure out what I want or need, and what is possible.
I'm ok with that too - there's no rush to do anything just now.

Hey there guys, the coordinator at my narc abuse support group read out a fantastic quote on hypervigilance at our last session - I'll put it in the comments.

I'd never really clicked that I am very frequently hypervigilant, because I'd always thought it was associated with threat - like an actual physical threat.
Knowing what some C-PTSD sufferers have been through, it made sense that they were anxiously looking for signs of physical violence, even if where there are none.

However, I realised that it's not just looking for signs of violence but can refer to anticipation of subtle verbal or emotional violence, like being on edge, trying to predict someone else's opinion on something, or anticipating a rebuke.

For years and years, I was like this all the damn time in any social situation!

I realised that as a kid, in social situations and around peers, I was constantly trying to anticipate other people's opinions so I could agree with them.
The concept of healthy disagreement was quite foreign to me, because it simply wasn't tolerated at home.
It meant for many, many years that I just didn't have my own personality, at least not one that I was aware of.
And I think other people noticed I was changing my options to match what was around me, and disliked me for it.
It hurt that with all the effort I was making, people liked me less, and I felt less safe, but at that stage I couldn't risk putting my real self out there - I didn't even know what it was, anyway.

The irony is, I was hypervigilant but with low emotional literacy due to my lack of self-understanding, so I was very attuned to certain things in other people, but unable to interpret them wisely or accurately, fuelling my emotional overdrive.
No wonder social situations have been so exhausting and bewildering!

It's gotten much better in the last 5 years, and particularly in the last 6 months, I've so drastically reduced my social anxiety I feel very different.
The first step has been increasing emotional awareness in myself, and also self-acceptance and self-compassion so that I can deal with the emotions I've just become aware of.

I skyped my M about 2 months ago, and felt on edge all the time. I noticed when I saw myself in the little video, I was very anxious with rigid posture and blank facial expressions. Even my voice was much less expressive than usual. I was unconsciously trying to avoid a verbal attack from my mum for having the "wrong" emotions - i.e., any emotions at all.

I was also trying to anticipate her by not discussing topics or expressing thoughts that I knew she wouldn't like.
It was so exhausting, trying to be two steps ahead in any conversation so I even struggle to think of anything to say right now.

Of course, I always get it wrong somehow and she'll level some little attack against me over something petty.

It'll always be impossible anyway because even if I get the balance perfectly "right", she'll still attack me in some small way, because she just doesn't like to see me free, happy and confident - she doesn't want me to forget who's boss.

Anyway, she didn't even care or notice that I seemed on edge and emotionless. She only cares about her own feelings, and even then, she doesn't take care of herself.
I'm so fed up with feeling horrible when I talk to her.

I just finally realised what was going on there and what the name for it is, and I feel much better about it.

I've always picked at my skin - scabs, pimples, etc. Fortunately I didn't get bad acne, but as a teen, there were always a few red spots and scabs on my face in photos.
I looked hunched and unhappy in most photos taken in those years.

I recall M trying to force me to stop picking as a child, by saying in an angry, forceful voice "you're picking". Her voice sounded full of hate. Naturally, this made me want to keep going even more - I see now that it was a way of claiming my body as my own. It didn't bother me that I was bleeding, though I felt shame after.

When I was around 14, I got small heatspots on my lower legs, and I squeezed them and then picked the resulting scabs so they got bigger. It got so bad, I was wearing trousers in 35 degree heat. Both my parents knew why, but they never took me to a doctor or a psych or anything.
I'd had warts all over my hands when I was 11 (26 warts, I remember counting) and they didn't do anything then either, not so much as an over-the-counter remedy, even though they knew I was unhappy at school and feeling left out.
I'm sort of horrified by their negligence looking back. GP visits are not free in our country, but still. I'm tired of making excuses for their abuse due to the pressure to behave in a socially acceptable way, i.e. not holding parents accountable. This was just not good enough.

I still squeeze the odd spot - I suppose that's normal. I'm lucky I don't have much acne now and my skin looks fine. But when I pick at myself, I go into a trance, and when I catch sight of myself in the mirror, my posture in particular is terrible; all hunched over. Super low-status body language. Guilt, for picking, for having the spots in the first place, for not controlling myself, for being me; flawed and imperfect.

I need to pay more attention to the triggers that get me started picking, and the state of mind I go into so I can recognise it sooner and pull out of it.
Gotta pull out some self-soothing and distraction techniques.

I went to a support group a month ago for survivors of narc abuse and it was amazing.
I went again this month and it was good, but I got a bad vibe off one of the other members.

As we were telling our stories, he often made comments on them (we were free to make comments after they finished, but he made noticeably more than others), which were things like "you need to not demonise the narcissist", "you need to take responsibility for yourself and your part in the relationship", and "I've learned that I need to forgive them for my own sake". He also made sure it be known that he was a therapist, and brought it up often when he made further comments.

I am not sure what other group members thought exactly, but I felt like there were a few big red flags.
All the nice sounding things he said seemed to be empty platitudes, and designed to bring attention to himself, and subtle blame/invalidation to the people sharing.
It was like he wanted to be seen as all healed and thus ready to fix our lives for us - he didn't really make any comments that shared any kind of vulnerability he felt.
I am aware of instances of the "f" word (forgiveness) being used as a form of abuse, to invalidate the understandable anger, hurt and grief of a victim.

I will keep going to the group, although I do hope he won't be there again.
I'm so glad he's not my therapist.

Throughout my life, I didn't learn proper affective regulation as a kid. I didn't have the proper acceptance, attention and feedback from my primary carer, so naturally, I didn't develop it. My method to get by was avoidance. I avoided making friends, avoided getting involved in groups (I told myself I was "superior" to make myself feel better), and as a young adult, I avoided new things and situations that made me feel uncomfortable.

The avoidance has cost me so much, although I see that it was also not a completely bad choice - it helped me keep my composure, and not be abusive towards other people as I would behave when I got overstimulated. I was able to keep a sense of identity as being a good person.

Now, I am working on my emotional regulation. I've come a long way. Of course, there's further to go, but I feel proud.
Overcoming my urge to hold back and avoid things is a challenge. I'm working part-time hours, and I'm developing some of my creative interests.
Actually getting out there and giving it a go, and using my free time to develop these skills, is a completely new habit to develop.
For the time being, I am continuing to make self-care my number 1 priority, which includes regulating my emotional well-being, but trying these new things is the goal after that in my sights.

I noticed a few months ago that I use food as a way of self-soothing. Often, I tell myself I'm hungry, but really I want that moment of stimulus to take my mind off feeling a bit unhappy or uncomfortable in myself. Often, I'm thirsty or tired or bored, too. I've been improving my body awareness and self-care, so that's a positive step.

It's not that I am overweight or underweight - I've got a healthy BMI and look and feel healthy too. The issue is not the food itself but my feelings towards eating and my body. My M only ever praised people with very tall, slim, modelesque figure types, which is not me or any of my sisters, and she often commented on what our "collective" body type was like - apparently not good - so I got the idea that being shorter and curvy but a little solidly built is not good; it's unattractive and just lesser, according to the messages I got from her.

When I say "collective" body type, what I mean is, I have 3 sisters so there's 4 daughters total in my family and M often spoke about all 4 of us at the same time... I got very little individual attention; she never really noticed me as an individual or commented on what my personality was like or my preferences or anything like that. She would say "you girls are like this" etc... I was so hungry to be noticed but just got this BS all the time. It was definitely unhealthy and I think a tool of control, as feeling less of an individual made me feel less worthy and I demanded and expected less. I also knew myself less.

M put herself down based on her weight - nothing drastic, but she was overweight and hated it about herself and often expressed annoyance at herself. I think she felt "less than" in herself because of her weight. She can be quite horribly critical of the two sisters of mine who are overweight, though I am shielded from that. My other sister who isn't overweight sometimes says weird things that make me feel uncomfortable, like she praised Kate Middleton for being to tall and slim, saying "she's just born to be a princess", like somehow her looks make her better than other people? I don't know why, but I sensed some weird subtext there. I felt like, because she was praising someone tall and thin, it was a criticism of me - I look fine, but I'm not tall and I'm not thin. I think this sister may have NPD too, like M; I often had weird feelings of being criticised in conversation with her, often feeling like, "why am I being so sensitive? Am I the one with the problem?", just couldn't put my finger on what was going on.

Even more horribly, my M even sometimes praised anorexics for looking good, and tried to make out that perhaps anorexia was not a disease but a new evolution, so that humans would need less food. Very odd. All through my teens, I wished I could develop anorexia, but just felt like I had absolutely no control over anything, least of all myself and my appetite, probably following on from seeing my M feel like she had no control of her eating either. Of course, I'm incredibly grateful that I do not have anorexia or bulimia and know that they are terrible. terrible conditions to live with. I am so sorry for anyone here with these conditions; please understand I am not endorsing them, just trying to understand the weird feelings and thoughts that have been programmed into me. Even now, I can detect something in the back of my mind telling me it would be worth it just to be incredibly thin... then I could be worthwhile! Ugh. Yet for years, I ate beyond satiety at meals, because that feeling of "fullness" was the closest thing I got to feeling satisfied.

I want to do more creative writing; I have written bits and pieces over the years - poetry, song lyrics, and comedy routines.
However, I've never really sat down and written a longer piece of prose, like a short story, novel or screenplay, and am interested in trying these out as I just love losing myself in stories.

I started writing a short story about a girl who was guided by three spirits (members of her family) to start exploring her family's past by finding different, tiny doors in her house that let her peek into past memories that happened in those rooms. When she looked back on these memories, they looked different, like a nightmare world. She saw that her house was not the pretty, clean place she imagined, but dirty and dilapidated, the food was rotting, and her family were like hunched spiders and insects. When they spoke to each other, they spun webs over each other's faces and bodies, until she saw her own eyes were completely obscured and her body bound up in a web that restricted her from moving. Then her real life started to converge with the nightmare world. She started to pull webbing from her eyes when she woke in the morning and cough phlegm from her lungs. Meanwhile, her mother, the spider, started to suspect, and heightened her aggression. It's all a bit cheesy and on the nose, but I enjoyed toying with the concept as a representation of my childhood.

One unexpected thing was that I started to feel genuinely afraid while I was writing. I never actually feel afraid when I read books, and rarely feel afraid of horror movies, just tense and get startled by the jump scares. However, when I wrote this story I felt a rising sense of fear and kept looking over my shoulder, afraid my partner would see what I was writing... it was not him I was afraid of, just felt that I was wrong to be sharing these words with the world. In the end, I think it was somewhat cathartic, and helped me see my reluctance to create things and put them out into the world isn't just laziness alone.

[Indecisiveness]

Some of the conditions that my developmental emotional neglect have let me with are very common but subtle, and quite difficult to live with.
I am trying to observe and work on these symptoms right now.
The ones I'm considering atm are:

Indecisiveness
A difficulty in considering how to spend my time, what goals to set and pursue, what tasks to carry out to make them happen, and an overall lack of vision for what I want out of life. It comes from a sense of passivity, of being a passenger in my own life. I used to not do anything when I was a kid sitting round at home, because although my M griped and moaned that we didn't do housework etc, it was still much less trouble as she would also pick holes if I did do anything. I think she moaned because she felt inadequate as a mother/woman, so allowing us to do household tasks that she saw as her responsibility would have actually upset her more. I took the path of least resistance, and am still struggling to get up and do tasks that I want done. It is reinforcing a lack of self-trust as well, as setting a goal is not straightforward and I generally don't follow through.

Lack of self-belief/low trust in own judgment
This is closely entwined with the above; I realised lately that I just don't trust my own judgment and generally seek validation from others for basic decisions, instead of just trusting in my own observations and decided course of action. It's a real waste of energy, and also related to fleas, because when I'm unaware I'm seeking validation, it becomes an excuse for attempting to control others' reactions, by demanding a certain response from them - seeing things my way - instead of being tolerant and respectful of different viewpoints.

These things are causing me the most headaches at the moment and dissipating my energy a lot, as they break the chain of energy, flowing from:
thought/idea -> decision/plan -> action -> reflection/evaluation -> repeat
The energy leaks out between decision and action.

To improve the situation, I'm trying to make fewer plans/decisions, but taking action quicker on the decisions I do make, and evaluating these acts more positively, simply for having given it a go. Things like housework, typing a lesson plan for work, etc. Simple things that are easy enough but not quite fixed ,so I have to figure it out myself as I go along. KonMari-ing my flat has helped too, because it encourages taking action based on intuition, allowing for mistakes, and creating an environment that nurtures you.

Hi there guys, I'm feeling good today, and I had a thought about some of my goals I want to pursue and put them over on OOTF.
Ultimately, I want to look ahead and start working on my more creative outlets, which I've shied away from over the years.
But for now, so as to avoid overwhelm, my main focus is on recovery and feeling good.

I've been focusing a lot on self-care lately, especially eating regularly. Because I was emotionally overeating, it hadn't occurred to me that I needed to eat more, but actually focusing on having a good breakfast every day and eating something decent for lunch around midday is helping me enormously.

I've also been considering NC and grey rock, and although I've not made up my mind exactly how to proceed with M, it's helping just to know that I am right to detach, and have the right to detach, if contact is harming me overall.

I am planning to meditate daily using Joe Dispenza's recommendations, and I hope this will help my state of mind too.
The main thing will be the creative outlet - I find it so hard to prioritise my dreams and not criticise my efforts to pieces when I do.
I've been attending writing workshops and other creative courses, so I think I will just gently encourage myself to write more often, without any goals set in place to overwhelm me, or any judgments on the output.

Hey there guys, one thing I like to use to soothe myself is certain divination tools, like tarot cards, or the I Ching.
I don't like astrology so much; it seems less personalised to me, at least, if you're just looking at the horoscopes in the paper. I still read them though!

I was always a fairly sceptical, scientifically minded person, but recently, I've been more interested in the spiritual and mystical.
I don't know how much I should believe a tarot or an I Ching reading, but I do derive a certain amount of comfort from them.
I think it is quite soothing, to draw a card, or to do an online I Ching reading (doing the reading with little sticks looks fabulous, but I haven't learnt that yet!).
I like the way it is open to my own interpretation. It makes me more aware of my state of mind - am I feeling positive or negative today? And it reveals my attitude towards the topics more - was I really hoping this plan would go well, without a hitch? Am I disappointed that it seems to be unfavourable towards my new interest? etc.

And I think that I've grown up feeling like the universe is hostile towards me, or at least, uninterested in me. I used to believe in God, but it's not really me now.
Doing these readings makes me feel like I'm connecting again with the universe and I can believe it is paying attention to me by communicating with me; it is not just all random misfortune coming my way. I feel more like the universe is positive and has a purpose. Even if it's nonsense, it's still an important feeling to cultivate within myself. For me, it's a fun spiritual placebo, but I am open-minded if it is more than that for some people, and I don't mind if others are sceptical either.

I did an I Ching reading today and got hexagram 55 - Abundance. When I delved into the meaning deeply, it really seemed to address my concerns.
It was nice. And I know I'm surrounded by abundance, so it was a good reminder to live from that place of "enoughness".

[In our family, the Golden Child and Scapegoat roles are not permanently assigned roles, but used as tools of triangulation, to divide and conquer.]

I've been reading more about NPD family dynamics lately, particularly because I've heard so much about the Golden Child and the Scape Goat, but neither fit my role or even my sisters' particularly well.
I've also read a lot about enmeshment and hoovering, but they are so very different to my relationship with my NPD M that it makes me doubt my assessment of her having a PD.

I think because my family is larger (4 daughters, whom I shall call S1, S2, S3 (that's me), and S4), and M is very covert and high-functioning, the dynamics are very subtle.
I read a website that gives a wider range of roles for children with NPD parents:
https://themindsjournal.com/child-roles-dysfunctional-families/5/

According to this, there are more roles, including:
1. Golden Child/Hero
2. Scapegoat/Troublemaker
3. Lost Child/Dreamer
4. Class Clown/Mascot
5. Rescuer/Chief Enabler
and one more that I just found:
6. Manipulator - or PD in training, as I consider it

This instantly resonated with me, because I am most definitely the Lost Child (LC). Apparently, M even pointed out to my sisters that I was a dreamer as a child.
The LC avoids conflict wherever possible, can be a peacemaker, hates fighting and backbiting, and often goes Grey Rock automatically to protect themselves.
They often don't speak up and don't have much of a voice. They certainly won't speak up if it creates conflict, and derive a sense of self-esteem from "being no trouble".
Check, check, check and check. That's me, through and through.

GR has saved me and kept something inside me healthy despite all the layers of abuse and hurt, but it has also given me social anxiety and an inability to connect with people. I'm working on it. Since recognising the narcissistic abuse in my family, I've been wondering why I was just that little bit healthier than my sisters; no full-blown addictions like my three sisters (though I dabble, to be sure), managed to move away and get a degree, have developed a wonderful relationship with my boyfriend, and felt terrible survivor's guilt about it all. I think GR saved me by reducing the harmful emotional contact with M, at the expense of not having any close relationships at all. Better to slowly starve than eat poison, right? I've gradually built up relationships although my emotional age is at about 8 when it comes to friendships and workplace/classroom dynamics! The exception is with romantic relationships, where the physical affection (kissing and hugging, not just sex) has enabled me to feel secure and grow, and now I'm getting better at friendships as a knock-on effect of the earned secure attachment from my BF.

So that's me, sister number 3 being the LC. Makes sense as a middle child. So, how about the rest of my family?

In our family, the Golden Child and Scapegoat roles are not permanently assigned roles, but used as tools of triangulation, to divide and conquer.

There is no consistent GC in our family, because that would take attention and "rightness" away from M. What she does do is present one of us as being the GC to the other sisters behind our back, to triangulate and make the other sisters feel smaller, less worthy. It also weakens the relationship between us sisters by making us feel inadequate and jealous, but blaming it on the sister rather than M. Giving approval directly is just too galling for her to do it often!

Scapegoating is used similarly; she also rarely SGs you to your face, because it would make her look bad and create overt conflict and expose her, but she'll do it behind your back. It's another divide and conquer tool; she criticises another sister to you and expects you to nod along, hopefully join in. You feel connected with her, that she's trusting you with this, and you feel like you're "in" and good and the other sister is "out" and bad. I'm afraid I have joined in at times over the years, although generally, it makes me feel uncomfortable to score points at another's expense; I hate favouritism.

According to the website's terminology, this would make our family "Balkanized", with shifting roles and allegiances. It explains why it's so confusing and hard to define.
I think our roles have changed significantly from childhood to adulthood.

In childhood, I think our roles were like this:
S1 - Rescuer/Chief Enabler - completely subscribes to M's world philosophy; might also be on the autistic spectrum; takes being the eldest sibling very seriously! It defines her.
S2 - Scapegoat AND Golden Child (with some Lost Child) - she flip-flopped back and forth these two polar opposites; she was under the most pressure to succeed and was most similar to M's personality, and this led to a breakdown after which she became the SG and a LC, got lots of piercings, shaved her head & dyed it crazy colours, etc and these role-changes enabled her to see M's erratic, criticising behaviour first and be critical of M.
S3 - Lost Child/Dreamer - that's me; I was pressured to be like my older sisters as much as possible because it was less trouble; especially S2.
S4 - Class Clown/Mascot - she was the baby of the family, dearly loved, pushed to be like the rest of us but couldn't because she struggled in school which made her terribly depressed and self-harming from a young age.

We were all pretty brainwashed though, and no-one really spoke out against what was going on. S2 was the most critical; S1 the most positive about the family; us younger 2 didn't really have an opinion.

In adulthood, I think it's shifted to:
S1 - still a lot of Rescuer/Chief Enabler but I see a lot of Scapegoating behind her back amongst the rest of the family, especially at her wedding - M & F just hated someone else being the centre of attention and whined and criticised her behind her back; never dealt with it directly and respectfully.
S2 - I think she may be becoming a Manipulator - an NPD in training, but I'm just not sure. She reminds me very much of M - she has always been the most similar to M which created the GC/SG role for her as a child - and although she's been getting therapy, I get this controlling vibe from her, like she just doesn't want me to speak. If you asked, she'd probably see herself as a LC. Don't know if I'm being too harsh on her here; there is bad blood between us and I resent being pushed to be a carbon-copy of her for so many years. She treats me like a need-gratifying object, and used and discarded me a few years ago; hence, the bad blood. I feel like perhaps she is the GC now and I am unconsciously competing with her for that.
S3 - Lost Child/Dreamer still; I think Scapegoat behind my back more and more because I've moved away and dared criticise M and fallen out with S2; also, around my family, I often feel petulant and triggered, which is a real Scapegoat role too - dog-whistling, etc, to provoke a reaction. I'm an adult but am not really "allowed" to behave as such - my opinions are very much unwelcome and I'm treated like it's a bad thing to just say what I think. This was probably done to me as a child and the reason why I became the LC in the first place.
Lately, I've been more of a Clown when I meet with family as I use humour now to diffuse tense situations and dismiss M's attempt at criticism. However, I doubt this role will catch on as M doesn't enjoy my humour as it detracts from her criticism, the source of her power, and she displays contempt and amps up the critical attacks to put me back in my place. I don't think you can be a Class Clown if the NPD individual doesn't accept you in this role; I think you are automatically shifted to Scapegoat if the abuser doesn't let you play the clown. I'm very aware that I have the seeds of NPD/BPD in me too, and could grow into a Manipulator if I were not taking responsibility for my flaws. I'm worried that my feelings of blame towards S2 is evidence of this; although, what if I'm right, and it's just my lack of confidence in my judgment that's preventing me form recognising the situation for what it is?
S4 - Rescuer/Chief Enabler - still lives with M & F; is basically their caretaker now; has an intense, enmeshed relationship with M. She is becoming a real Flying Monkey for M - not towards me yet, but I saw her leap into action when M was not getting along with her own sister, our aunt. She completely took M's side and got over-involved. And there's lots of Scapegoating for S4 too, with M complaining that she hasn't left home yet, despite secretly loving having her close.

I think S1 and S4 in particular rarely get GC treatment; aka, the praise and recognition they deserve.

So, that's my family, at least me and my sisters' roles, as I see it.

You may notice that I barely mention F; he is still together with my M but so emotionally distant and neglectful, he barely factors into these relationships.
For a long time, I thought he was a good man, and just didn't get involved. Now I see that negligence is a form of abuse in itself, and I am blown away when I think of some of the cold things he's said to me over the years. It's more emotional cluelessness than actual vindictiveness, but it still harms and hurts.
I think he is probably NPD too, as he often complains about having to do things for us, and has said on several occasions that he never wanted kids and if he'd known his children would have depression, he'd have never had us. He said that to me not long after I'd attempted suicide. Nice one, Dad. Good to know you think my life's not worth living.
Either that, or he's on the autistic spectrum, as I suspect S1 is, and thus so emotionally disconnected that he cannot counteract M's NPD tendencies.

I've been thinking a lot about when my sister came to stay with me, ever since she left. I had wanted to be a good sister and give her a place to stay, and I really wanted to look good in her eyes. She had controlled me so much in our childhood by using disapproval, and without realising, I was desperate for her approval, even a part of me wanted to flip our relationship so I was the one in the one-up position and she was the one in the one-down position. So we clashed a bit, there was invalidation and subtle criticism on both sides. She pushed a lot of my buttons and we had a fight at the very last moment, before she got on a train. I felt ambushed, even like she had engineered this so that she could feel like an innocent victim and paint me as a villain. I am ashamed of my behaviour, but I'm also really upset with how she treated me as I feel used and discarded. I just can't seem to figure out how I feel about it all - if it's just my bad behaviour, I can apologise and get on with it. But I feel really badly treated. Is it true, or am I too attempting to play the victim?

Well, here's the email. It's probably far too long and repetitive. Please tell me what you think guys; please be honest, because I need it, I need to move forward. But please also be gentle, because I need that too. I'm so confused.

Hi S2,

I hope you're well. This is going to be a difficult read, so please read it when you have some time and feel up to it. I don't want to upset you during the middle of a busy day.

I'm writing this email because I'm quite upset about how things went when you were in CityA, particularly how we left things on the last day. I feel like I owe it to myself to address this with you. I feel like I was treated unfairly in some ways by you and I want to see if you can understand my point of view. I understand that you will have an alternative point of view, no doubt with things that I haven't considered, so I do urge you - you have a right to reply; please use it.

The thing that really upsets me was the argument we had in our last few minutes of our time together in CityA, because I felt ambushed by the conversation. You had waited until the very last moment of our time together to discuss our issues. It had been a long day, I was flustered from walking, we were standing on the pavement next to a metro station, I felt rushed, and it gave me the impression that by allowing so little time for my response, it was unimportant to hear my side of the story. I had had no warning that we would discuss this and the setting felt hurried and stressful, not relaxed and unthreatening.

I'm disappointed in myself for allowing my feelings to bubble over at that time. I said some things that I was justified in expressing, but the way I said them - an angry outburst - was obviously difficult to listen to. I regret expressing things in an accusatory, reactive way rather than a constructive, responsive way, and I also regret venting lots of negative emotions rather than focusing on key points that we could actually work on together. Up until that point, I had been finding it difficult having you in my life again and I had done my best to contain my feelings, express what was needed to to maintain my boundaries, and I tried to help you where I could without giving more than I could afford to. Overall, I didn't get this balance right during your stay with me, and I found myself feeling frustrated  and at times resentful towards you. This was quite new and unexpected for me, and so I was avoiding addressing these issues directly with you because I needed time to come to terms with my emotions and process them. I have realised some difficult truths about what was going on between us at a deeper level, and also some areas I needed to work on, like assertiveness and connecting with my emotions.

I do feel that you could have been more considerate of my feelings in orchestrating the time, place, and context of that conversation. I am able to see and respect that honouring your own needs and expressing your hurt and disappointment was important but difficult for you, and that was probably why you delayed speaking about it until the last minute. But leaving it till the last minute was not ideal and provoked a more hostile reaction than would otherwise have been the case because it took me by surprise and I was completely off-guard. I would have communicated differently with fair warning in a better setting. It's ok that you were not perfect, but please show me the same understanding towards my imperfect behaviour. I am sorry that I said things that I know I expressed in a way to intentionally hurt your feelings. I lashed out and that's not ok. I surprised myself. I'm sorry. Please understand that am capable of better communication, but in that situation, I felt under attack and my feelings got the better of me, so I responded aggressively. If we do talk again, with an agreed time and topic, it will be a more productive conversation.

Even though it really bothered me, I have avoided dealing with this for a long time because I felt like I couldn't reach out unless to was to apologise, but something inside me said no; I can't take this entire matter upon myself. I can apologise for saying hurtful things, and I am sorry. However, the situation is much more complicated; we have both allowed our relationship to wither and so both must take responsibility. I would like to know whether you actually want a relationship with me, to know if it is worth exploring and resolving some issues.

(I feel like you used me, and then discarded me so easily, when I no longer had anything to offer that you wanted.)

From Oscen.

I'm not sure if I should include the last line in brackets - well, obviously I shouldn't; it's mean. But I also feel it's true. I'm not sure what my motivation is in sending this email - do I want to try having a better relationship? Is it to take responsibility and move on with my life? Do I want to look good in her eyes? Do I want to hurt her? I do feel like I've been misunderstood, been used, and been unappreciated and that doesn't feel good. Hmm. But I'm still stumped as to why it keeps spinning in my head and is so tangled up with my emotions.

Hi there, I'd love some thoughts on apologising about something you know you're in the wrong about, and genuinely feel ashamed of, to a member of your dysfunctional family who would probably never apologise to you despite having grounds to.

I treated my sister in a mean way when she came to stay with me a few years ago. In particular, I made fun of a hobby that she is really passionate about. It was very passive-aggressive of me. I also invalidated her a bit.

I don't want to deny that I was horrible to her, but it also wasn't a one-way street. She hadn't spoken to me for years before she came to stay - she only started communicating with me again when she decided to move to my city and wanted a place to stay. When she arrived, she was subtly invalidating. She's older than me, and I found that she talked down to me a lot and dismissed and invalidated my opinions; even in front of my boyfriend, she'd "explained" my attitudes to him, and got involved in discussions I was having with my BF when it wasn't anything to do with her. She was not job-hunting as hard as she could be, which was frustrating in my little flat, especially when I'd warned her how tough this city is for work and rent, and she'd been dismissive of my advice.

After she moved out, she contacted me mostly for emotional support. I noticed that although she had friendships with people and went out and did fun things with them, she never asked me along for things like that, even though I'd introduced to my friends. She only met me one-to-one, and we'd have endless-seeming conversations about all her problems. If I tried to move the subject in a different direction, she'd drag it back to her. Then, after about forty minutes of this, she'd suddenly decide she'd want to hear about me and say, "so... what's up with you?". After feeling depressed by the conversation, I didn't want to open up about my life to her. I would give a minimal reply and try to change the subject, but I'm not good at thinking of other topics when I'm feeling down, so it was difficult. She seemed to make out like I was being... withholding? Immature for not speaking about myself? These conversations were really draining me emotionally, so I minimised contact with her. If I received a text angling to meet up, I'd leave it a day or two before replying.

When she left the city for good, we met up and spent a nice day together. In our last few minutes together, she said that she felt like our relationship wasn't good and accused me of ghosting her. I was taken off guard, and I let her have it. I said that she was nasty, judgmental, and didn't respect me. I was really verbally attacking her - it was not completely savage but I wasn't thinking about how I wanted to behave, how it would make her feel, or how it would affect our relationship. After that, she basically didn't respond; just said goodbye and left. We didn't contact each other for months after that, possibly over a year, and we've not really addressed it.

I don't feel good about how I behaved, because I didn't behave well! But I also feel hurt and used and manipulated. I know that in that situation, it probably seems like I should be the one to apologise, but I felt ambushed, set up. The positive thing is, it opened my eyes to the true nature of my relationship with this sister - she uses me - and also to my behaviour. I am not as unconscious as I was back then, but I still know I haven't resolved everything and I'm not above it yet. I don't want others to be able to manipulate me like that, so I need to grow more inside.

Is apologising to her for my actions part of the process of growing internally? Should I just apologise for my part and leave it? Should I try to communicate the greater situation, which she most certainly had a hand in creating? She bullied me while she was in her teens, criticising my tastes just because it made her feel good. And then she left the family home and didn't communicate to me. It's funny; when we were arguing on our last day together, that's what she said to me - that by moving away, I'd abandoned the family, and that I'd "ghosted" her, even though she barely communicated to me for years, until she needed a place to stay. Is this projection? Am I projecting? I'm ok with knowing that I do some of the same negative behaviours as other family members. I've grown up with fleas, so admitting it is important for curing it. I'm just really confused about my relationship with her and I want to know that I can do something about it, that I won't look back and regret my behaviour this time.

After much internal debate, I sent my mother an email in February saying that I wasn't happy with our relationship, etc. She left it three weeks before replying and during that time, I felt like she was toying with me and decided that what I really wanted was no contact. However, I was still thinking about how to implement it when I received a reply from her. In it, she said all the "right things"; that she was getting counselling and wanted a more meaningful relationship with me. Of course, she didn't take responsibility for anything, suggest a way to change anything, or even ask me any questions, actually. I gave no reply, as part of me felt joy to read the email, and part of me felt mistrust and fear. I really want no contact, but it feels very dramatic.

My mother is probably a narcissist, but very covert. At times, I think she just has a very bad case of fleas from her own mother, which she has never taken the responsibility upon herself to own up to and shake. We have never had any real depth or meaning or reliable contact in our relationship. She's not (noticeably) abusive to me, she's simply distant, absent even. I feel discarded by her, really, and just wish that I could discard her and the disappointing relationship once and for all, so that I'm not waiting for her to pick me up again, when and as she feels like. I'm like a doll that she's not interested in playing with much these days. She doesn't seem to like me when I'm being me; I must dance on a tightrope to get any warmth or approbation from her, by anticipating what she wants from me and giving it to her - validation, reassurance, voicing her own opinions for her to agree with - but not too much! If I speak too much, she gets irritated and cuts me down, even if she absolutely 100% agrees with me. Trying to speak with her Is extremely draining, and I feel like I'm on edge the whole time, waiting for her to smirk and sneer at me and dismiss me.

I have received another email from her today, acting as if nothing has happened, giving me the usual update about what's going on in her life. It was absolutely not what I wanted or expected when I sent the original email telling her that I'm not happy with our relationship - that we would just carry on behaving the same way to one another. I am not completely surprised however - I did not tell her what I wanted or was expecting, and it is very much her usual pattern of behaviour anyway; to ignore something I've said because she doesn't like it.

I'm thinking how to proceed. I made sure I didn't waste my precious time reading her email carefully - just skimmed it to see what it was about. It felt like such an effort, such a transgression, to send her the first email saying I wasn't happy. I thought it would set something in motion. Now I'm back at square one, just because she doesn't feel like changing in any way. It sucks that it has to be so much effort for me every time - deciding how to respond to her, thinking what I want, what is possible, the best way to go about it. It all looks just normal enough from the outside that if I did what I really wanted - cut her out so I'm not wasting emotional energy like this anytime she wants to drop one of her sporadic pellets of attention on me - it would be very difficult to explain. I suppose I am still growing in confidence to the point where I can do what feels right for me, and that is enough. It's hard though. She looks good on the surface; looks like a glossy photo of a great mother. It's hard to voice that under the sheen, it's all hollow. I'm not really sure how to proceed.

My neighbours are a couple in their seventies. I often hear them arguing loudly, shouting at one another in their flat. At other times, I can hear them coming and going outside the front doors of our flats, and the woman often speaks to the man in a very harsh tone, even if just to ask him to bring something from the flat.

I find hearing them very triggering, especially when they are outside my front door and the woman is raising her voice. It is especially bad if I'm home from work in my pyjamas during the day. I feel afraid that they're going to open my door and come in and shout at me. I freeze up while I listen to them and can't think of anything else while they are there. I have to remind myself that they have nothing to do with me, our flats are separate and my door's locked so they can't come in! Sometimes I go and check the door's locked, but I don't lately. It's triggering because it reminds me of hearing my mother outside my room, shouting at me or my father or one of my sisters, and hoping that she will not come in, because it was always for something bad. Dad occasionally stepped up and took over the shouting at children duties, too. They usually shouted at me for not doing housework or leaving my things lying in the lounge. I also feel afraid if I can hear the cleaners vacuuming the landing, because my mother was always in an absolutely foul mood when she had to hoover, and I think I even avoid going out of my flat then so I don't have to see them!

I wouldn't have thought that having my parents occasionally come in and shout at me for not cleaning up, etc, was actually that bad, but my reaction to these triggers makes me think it was worse than I'd realised. I haven't monitored my reactions enough to know how the event affects my mood in the following hours, but I guess hearing shouting and feeling afraid I'd be shouted at next so often throughout my childhood really made an impression on me. I think it's not because the bad things were actually so bad, it's just that the unseen abuse is actually the lack of positive things to balance them out. Mum and Dad never just knocked on the door to ask me how I was or talk about my day. We just didn't have those conversations at all, really. And they both could get really angry, really enraged sometimes. They'd never hit me or get really nasty in their verbal attacks, but my self esteem would be laying there in tatters. I used to feel terrible about myself as a person, unable to change and be a neat and tidy good girl who did her homework and her chores. They didn't seem to care how I felt in those moments, they'd just vent their frustration that I didn't do what they wanted me to. It wasn't on purpose; I wanted to be good, but I didn't know how; didn't believe I could after a while. They didn't help me to change or show me a way. I think my mum hated spending time with me, so she never helped me learn to cook or clean or anything. She often seemed really furious if she had to show me how to do something. I remember once she saw me get dressed (I didn't want to get dressed in front of her because I was very shy about my body so I did it quickly), and she got angry about the way I put my bra on! Ok, I wasn't doing it right, my boobs were getting squashed at the bottom, but still?? I really have to wonder what was going through her head.

From a very young age, I already knew that I wouldn't get positive attention for doing well in school or doing my chores, because my parents would either ignore it or find a way to pick holes in it. So I just gave up. Now, I'm a bit better than I was but not out of the woods - still at that point where I'm struggling to make myself work on housework and admin for work (I manage to keep up with the bare minimum and that's it) and any extra hobbies I'm interested in, but I zone out to deal with the stress and fear of doing it wrong.

I wrote about this because I heard my neighbours out there in the hall just now and remembered how terrified I used to feel while I was studying and I'd be at home in my pyjamas, overwhelmed with guilt as I procrastinated my way through university. This particular trigger is much better now, but noticing how I felt and that I associated the woman with my mother flagged up just how badly my childhood had affected me. It's definitely affected my ability to relax over the years.