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I have read in a book than in any sort of group they'll always be a black sheep.

If I take OOTS into consideration I could then imagine there are people who can't fit into this group.
People who obviously need as much support as I and others need here.

An act of invalidation would be say, no, that's not possible, this place is good and we have good support here.

Yes, but, who is guaranteeing there aren't people that due to our traumas, we wouldn't be able to let them stay with us?

As I've never had been fitting in a group as a childhood, this is a concern of mine and I'm interested in hearing the oponion of this forum.

I think in order to participate in a forum a good degree of self expression is required and not anyone has that.
Some people have been abused in sub a way they may have coping mechanism witch doesn't make them compatible with the coping mechanism a OOTS member may have.
This is another logic I'm considering.

I can get, like anyone, all the support available on the Internet.
But, that's one single thing, text and the idea of the persons and value behind every single post.

As I'm homeless and I can't find any more places to handle flashback I recently have got even more close to nature than I used to.
The placed where I used to stop for quick toilet has a nice tree when now I stay on and think and handle flashbacks.
It is basically my first time on a tree and instic brought me there.
It is not amazingly comfortable but the level of protection that tree offer me is something I can't describe.

So I was thinking I've sad and joyful moments in life. Yet, even I've the joyful ones, it is boring, nonsense.

At some point I see a squirrel, it is above me. I also see several birds.
The squirrel get so close to my face, I see him at some inches. We both look into the eyes and then he goes away after some minutes.

I've seen a squirrel for my first time some months ago, just to be clear.

The feeling I had when I saw that squirrel was like a family. He kind of accepted me, that's what I've got as a feeling.

It was like I was a part of a family for a seconds. It wasn't text or ideas. It was living beings.

I never had that. Not a family, neither living beings accepting me.

That's what I want. Of course, everyone would understand is not something that will be fixed any time soon, and it brings a * of a lot of pain.

I had a cry and then managed the flashback. People passed by and didn't notice me, thankfully.

Experience taught me it doesn't matter how cool or clever or firm or strong or sad or whatever I may look, I've never been part of any family, and never had that feeling I had when the squirrel looked at me.

I wrote this from my phone. Battery was dying too. Forgive me for typos and the quality of the post. I wanted to post this.

From my personal report:
2019/02/13 around 10:57 AM London time
The person I saw once with the laptop in the 8th computer area, likely because the other area was full.
I must not be interested in the reasons or intentions, but rather in the library rules as those can protect anyone's freedom to use the computer, as much as the library does the job properly.


Technically, a booked sessions works with 10 minutes waiting time available to log-in. When I reported the act to the librarian I was shy initially, the person pretended it was alright, then waited for the booking to expire. Unfortunately, it was just 5 minutes before the booking was going to expire.
To avoid any similar problem in the future, at the moment I think the best to point to be 2 minutes earlier than the booking start, so if any problem like this arise in the future, the librarian has enough time to handle it properly.
I have reason to believe the person may be abusive, and I suggest a firm solution.

The reason I use that computer is that is on the corner and I can have some privacy, depending if anyone is using the one close to it. The reason I need a computer is homelessness. The reason of homelessness are geographical, C-PTSD, past abuse, background and luck.
However, all this must makes literally 0 difference in the treatment received and perpetuated.

I've to add the booking system can have maximum 2 sessions booked in the future, including the current one no matter if logged in or not (a booked session would expire if not logged in 10 minutes after the booked time). A session generally our or less (it depends on opening/closing time and if there are other sessions booked).
I've add a booking at 10:47, and another one at 11:47. The one at 10:47 went lost as he managed to wait until the booked expired, then the 11:47 was left.

2019/02/13 around 11:53 AM London time
That person doesn't move, I go to the librarian, who checks the library booking system.
I then inform him the person he's still there, then the librarian goes and tells the person to move.
The person tells the librarian he needs the plug or something. Likely he wanted the private space.
However, that must not interest me.
Also, this is a library, and anyone has the right to use the space, that's why there's a booking system.
In is time frame it was me who booked it, then I had the right. If multiple people want to use the same area, then they've to organize and the booking system can allocate a time to each one, ideally, depending on the library.
The person eventually moves, but as soon as the librarian is away and he pass me while I'm coming to the computer, he says "*", I reply "you", and that's the end of it.
I don't know if that was the best reply, but something is sure, I was in one thread started by Blueberry, it is ALWAYS better to let it out than swallow it!
So good job here.
The incident is recorded to have a good history of the abuser.
Any further abuse must also be recorded.
Any single accident must be reported so that I can work well to protect I.C. and prevent any abusers from perpetrating their actions.

------------------------
I had planned to post this if required, and I thought it was after the last incident.

Thank you for reading.   

I arrived to the library around 5 PM and it was quite quiet. I've now established new tactics and strategies for managing flashback and even if they aren't easy to practice, they're meant to work better than difficult situation in libraries and similar places (PS: I now handle flashbacks surrounded by nature, unless too extreme weather or too much rain)


When I arrived the library was quiet and I wanted to post on OOTS.
Unfortunately though, after  just 10 minutes someone came to sit next to me. A smelly person arrived.


However, it is hilarious that someone can smell more than a homeless. It ticks me off a little.
His phone is in vibration and disturb me. (It ticks me even more).
It is quite triggering to write this close to him, but I felt I wanted to let it off my chest.


I wanted to post on OOTS but like this is nearly impossible, quite the pain in the ...

That's one of the reason housing first philosophies are meant to work, I guess. (Everyone need personal/private space and proper privacy).

As a survivor one of my quality I had to develop is to enjoy the small things,  as good things aren't many, but there are a few.

I know a cafe, it is expensive for me, but I like it there. I started to plan to spend the Sunday morning there.

Unfortunately, Saturday I sleep in a place that is very difficult for me. It is difficult to get out in a good shape.
I can't explain much more of it at the moment.

But what I want to say is that I tried so much hard with all my might this week. Good plans and strategy, it took me a lot to develop it.
Unfortunately, one of the homeless steals my sport direct bag. (Empty, most of the valuables as already been   stolen, I had the clothes drying on chairs).
I had another one repaired with duct tape and needed the other one also.

I've reason to believe now it make me live those moments when my mom touched all my stuff without ever asking, and moved things in my room always as she wanted, even she knew soon I was developing a trauma where I at some point, I had to have all the things in a specific place. That went better by time but my mom.worked hard to make it worse every day.

Crossing personal boundaries without caring of the person at all, like if it is not a human but a object is a trigger.
A homeless stealing from a homeless also is. Many aggressive ones just will discriminate on the one who are different, less aggressive, or SEEMS doing better.

I believe it is just the traumatized one who are turning slowly into abusers. I am chosing the other journey, even it is hard.

That and the fact nobody woke me up today and I had 20 minutes to get ready while the persons cleaning were already cleaning in front of me (long story, but I had been sleeping on a strategic corner to have 15 minutes before someone was sweeping in front of me and touching my stuff, witch is traumatic for me).

Eventually I managed to get out and as I hoped, I also used the toilet (I generally don't make it in time and there's no restrooms available after I leave the shelter).

Unfortunately though, the things were highly triggering. I also had a bag repaired with duct tape. A sleeping bag witch I couldn't get too much wet and well, a bag that could break. Not much space for the bread I had to buy for lunch. I had arrived late at the cafe and my preferite spot is taken.
It is one of the little joy I wanted to have.

At lunch time I managed to get that spot but one gentlemen ask.me if I want to.order something, I can't afford it, paid an expensive espresso already.

I'm not taking much space but it tells me those sofas, he can fit lot of people and if I can move. I understand and move (and think I had to arrive early as I planned when is quiet).

I had to manage a bad flashback before in front of many people, it wasn't easy.

I cannot go into details but if I'd add more this post would make more sense than what it does now.
For.example, I am not sleeping in a shelter but a specific project with specific rules and limits, and that's the only thing available at the moment (or something worse full of drugs and blood everywhere, or the streets). That doesn't mean I dont nave plans, but thigs are never ad easy ad they seems.

I fear to be judged as if someone doesn't know my situation fully, some things don't make much sense. For example why is a coffee expensive? Because at the moment I have a sick note that states I can't work, I plan to work, I sell the big issue witch is triggering and difficult and that is my only income literally. There are always reasons behind the situation of a survivor, in my opinion (not like their bad action are justified, not like that, but like what they feel make sense).

I wrote this on mobile with limited time, please excuse the quality of the post.

PS: this was an extremely difficult bad day, but I eventually managed, so this is the right section, for today at the least. I hope to start a journal, that's a short term goal, but not yet possible. This is also something to get things off my chest. A small part at the least.

Edit: enjoy the little things, I say because in the cafe I enjoyed half an hour, when I also could manage to read posts here, after I handled the flashback. Basically it was half an hour on an entire morning and also while I was hungry, but still, it was a nice day overall. Anger for how it went after my efforts, and next week I plan to make some things clear and ask to be sure I wake up, so I can be sure nobody leave earlier with my property. Sunday is also very important to me. Last time in this cafe I managed to play Pokemon.

No, I'm not an affiliate.
Yes, I love music.
Before Pandora I managed to find music I liked but nothing like now. Genres were not accurate enough, at all.
The Genome Project thing that powers Pandora make it so each track as several attributes and those make it so you discover new and new music you like or can like.
There is a thumbs system that really works.

I use a VPN app, with "smart proxy" so it is used only on Pandora, and then make it so the app think I'm in the US (it is only available there). It is just amazing. I also use Spotify, but just on demand. YouTube also.

I have several radio and each one gave me amazing experience. I thanks sounds so much.
I am hyper vigilant and be super aware of anything it is hard, music let me be aware of the smallest part of it, just amazing.

I listen hours and hours and it is probably something I definitely love.

You can love music without liking Pandora, of course (I also invite anyone to do what they like).
I wanted to share one of the good things that made me happy this winter.

As a homeless it is difficult to have privacy.
Where I'm settling, somewhere in the UK, I have access to PCs through the library.
Semi OT: The computers are highly locked down and with outdated Internet explorer, I think they're literally only meant for some Microsoft Office work and very simple web browsing (very often, the web browsing part is not that good due to the outdated Microsoft Internet Explorer and the resources used to keep the PC clean/locked down).

There is a computer witch is on the corner and faces the wall, it's the best thing I have. There is another computer next to it and if there is someone using it is not very easy... plus depending on how much the library is busy and on who is using it, there can be highly triggering situations.

Yes, I find it very difficult to participate to OOTS due to this (reason A).

Now, regarding reason B, witch has been affecting me for long time. I have some kind of "performance anxiety" combined with "abandonment fear". In practice, I feel like I have to write a post very well in order to be accepted in OOTS (or any forum in general). (this is also further complicated due to reason A). I feel like the smallest of the mistakes could make my messages be misunderstood, and make me excluded from any community. I've been kind of bullied and isolated from when I was 10 years old IIRC, so those feelings don't surprise me that much.

But this is insanely stressful and drain my energy so much, as it highly compromise my ability to participate to a great place like OOTS, and also to provide and gain support from it. I'd imagine that as we know well what C-PTSD is, to be excluded would never be a thing, still I feel those fears. I know a writer that once wrote that in any sort of group there will always be the black sheep, like some kind of human nature rule (psst, it was the only book I enjoyed reading as a teenager and I read it very fast. Initially, it didn't make sense, then I realized it could have been related to C-PTSD).

Hello,
I'm Rovivrus, a new member. I have been lurking on this site for quite a while and I decided  to join.

Piano is an Italian word witch means both the beautiful instrument, witch I think can give C-PTSD stories a good melody, and the slow speed of the journey of recovery, yet with its great aspects.

I am 20, witch for some here may sounds a young age, but my story is long and the experiences I lived already many. The time available to recover is something good, but it doesn't make it any easier nor is balanced if compared with what I went through and I'm going through.

I've to state this clear, you may see many triggers on my posts. I can state some things of my current life and would probably get the compassion of many, but actually all I ask is to see beyond those things, as they do not reflect at all who I am.

So don't see something like, let's pick poverty, as necessarily bad, as that poverty may be the result of the struggles of a survivor to escape something so much worse, that it cannot be even compared. On top of that, consider the two steps forward one back rule, and the real hope. In addition, there are positive things in living a life fighting against the evil abusers, and I'm sure any survivor would choose that journey no matter what they will have to go through. So, poverty is bad yes, but no survivor is to blame for this, but rather they have to receive the congratulations for their achievements and they have to be encouraged to continue their journey.


All I ask is nothing but to walk the journey of recovery with you.