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Topics - Anjulie

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Checking Out / Taking a little break
« on: September 02, 2019, 09:12:04 AM »
l'll take a little break for the rest of the week. My forearms hurt (they hurt a lot and often) and I think they are telling me to give them a rest  ;)
See you all soon  :grouphug:

I've done skin picking all of my adult live on a daily basis.
Recently, I came across the OCD Center of Los Angeles, which provides help for Obsessive Compulsive Disorders and related Disorders.
They offer a free 52-weeks email course for skin picking/hair pulling. You receive a mail once a week.

Here is the website:
About skin picking:
52 weekly lessons (Reflections on Skin Picking and Hair Pulling)

The course is based on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I received the first one yesterday and it was about self image. A good text, followed by three questions and one "weekly tip". The layout is very clear and simple, it makes a good impression on me.

Recovery Journals / Anjulies recovery journal
« on: August 12, 2019, 09:54:46 AM »
So I'll try and start my own recovery journal. Maybe it will help me to sort through things. I feel I've held back so much lately.

Last week I fell into a major crisis. It didn't happen out of the blue, but in that extent it was unexpected to me (and my husband and friends).
A close friend who had bin in a clinic because she was suicidal, had returned home and was better. I had been there for her a lot, maybe I have pushed my limits too far, but when I knew she was relatively o.k., I couldn't hold myself upright any longer. I fell into panic, and loneliness and hurt. I don't know what exactly.

That she came home, that was the trigger. But the reason that I felt that way (apart from all the old feelings), were a couple of things that happened earlier.

My closest friend turned away from me. We were friends for 10 years and for the last two or three years, she suffered repeatedly from depression. Well, with her, too, I tried to be there for her and support her and had no room for my issues with her for a long time. I admit that my strength is very limited and maybe it was not enough for her what I gave. She started to contact me lesser and lesser (answered my messages lesser and lesser, contacted me only for special favors), and then she stopped contacting me entirely. I asked her in a letter, what was wrong, but she didn't answer. Then I asked her if she had gotten the letter. No answer. At that time, I didn't feel too much, I was not unaffected of the growing distance and had learned to cope with her absence.
Oh dear I have to stop for today, too much hurt here.

Introductory Post / hi again
« on: August 10, 2019, 09:41:36 AM »
I've been here on the forum months ago and it soon became too much for me. I was in a deep crisis then and very confused so I had to take a few steps back and look for a therapist first. (I have found a very good one now  :) ,somatic experiencing).

Now I feel stable enough to give it another try here in the forum as I found it a huge help and relieve even then when I couldn't handle it. Thanks to all of you for that!

Podcasts, Videos & Documentaries / cptsd and brain damage
« on: March 16, 2019, 06:13:11 PM »
In a thread here in the forum I came across Athena Moberg. I found this video today about C-PTSD and the brain.

It hit me very hard. All the damage that has been done. I did a bit of Internet research in order to find out if the things they say in the video are well researched. Well, it seems to be the case. I just ordered the book "The body keeps the score" to get more information on how trauma affects the body and brain.
Although learning all this was hard, it is also a source of hope. And I love understanding myself better :-) I have a feeling that I want to rush to help me.

Therapy / I don't know if I need therapy again
« on: March 06, 2019, 02:50:01 PM »
I'd like to write about my thoughts about therapy at the moment. Any feelings or thoughts /feedback will be very welcome.

*** Triggers involved***

From the age of 17 I've needed a lot of help: therapy, hospital.. Back then, (I moved out at the age of 16) I was very desperate, not able to live, in fact, I wanted to die. I had no idea who I was or how I could carry on. All my inner life was fear, shame, self-hate and wildly spinning thoughts and moods, I was also hurting myself. Gladly, there was also a fierce will to live, except in the moments I really wanted to die, but that was only because I didn't know how it could get better. Finally, after a real suicide attempt (still, half-hearted), I called a hospital and went to the youth psychiatry.

Then, my healing journey began. It feels that I have done recovery work since then every single day from getting up till going to bed. I really had a lot of therapy, mostly psychoanalysis, and two years ago, dbt, But the dbt-Therapist kept telling me, it was all not at all about guilt. One time she felt compassionate for my f when he'd bullied me and I sent him an angry letter. She said: he just doesn't know how to do it right. She kept telling me, I had to many expectations of them, so they can't fulfill them. And that they have rights, too.

But overall, there has been a lot of progress and now there is a lot more joy and good relationships in my life. I can't list all the inner accomplishments, but they are there. I thought, I'd cope without therapy now.

Since last summer, I've had a hard time adjusting to my new life circumstances (my lifelong invalidity pension had been granted). I didn't have to work anymore - work had  always been very difficult and often retraumatizing. I guess, somehow this was against all of what I have learned of life's values. What to do now? And then I saw how strong my inner critic still was, poisoning everything I engage in - for example, songwriting which was a central coping-skill for a long time, but also new things. I ran into them until I'm exhausted.. And I'm noticing that I have so many flashbacks, most days at least one... To see, after all this inner work of nearly 30 years, that I am still so damaged... it is so sad. :'( And I feel a lot of shame, that it's still not solved.

I have difficulty in showing what I feel (the extend of it), my husband is himself exhausted from the crisis I have because it triggers him sometimes to see me suffer. All my friends have problems themselves and there is no one really healthy around me atm.

I was proud not to need therapy any more... But now I've wrote all this, I can see it would be very helpful to have a person with which I can be myself without breaks on. Well, I can be with myself, and I have made big progress in being there for me. I think that is why I ask myself if a therapist would help in other ways I can. But it is hard to feel what I feel when I'm alone.


Symptoms - Other / Flight response very strong
« on: March 02, 2019, 10:41:55 AM »
at the moment, everything is a bit overwhelming to me. I think it's because of the book "From Surviving to Thriving" from Pete Walker and that I really dared to quit my job. And now there is this forum. All these things are very very good, I can feel it in my heart. But, as I'm used to in such times, I always want to add even more activity to this.

For example, yesterday I signed up (I said I would come for a trial session) for a local yoga class - because I've read the posts here in the forum about the book "The body keeps the score". Yesterday evening I felt so exhausted and totally overwhelmed with everything, that, together with my husband, I realized that it is way too much with the yoga class. As it was nothing fixed yet, I decided just to not go. It was the right decision but I was already exhausted by the process.  :stars:

This morning, it went on with excessive App- browsing and downloading. Well,  by now I've recognized this and have deleted the (self-optimizing) apps, fortunately they were all free....

Does anyone know this? I wonder if there's always an ef behind it... because if it is, I might be in ef most of the time these days....
And that makes me sad. And afraid, because my husband is already really exhausted by my inner work and the changes in my life and the depression-like feelings.

Introductory Post / Glad I've found this place
« on: February 28, 2019, 08:04:10 AM »
I've found this forum through the book "From Surviving tho Thriving" by Pete Walker. This book was such a relieve to me and made me see clearly what it is that I have to deal with every day.
I'm 43 years old and have been more or less in crisis since I was 17. There was a lot of therapy, sometimes hospital. My diagnoses varied between mixed personality disorder to ptsd. English is not my native language (I'm from Germany), and I hope I can expess things properly.
Due to my cptsd, I had to quit working and get a low pension. I live with my husband who is also affected by childhood trauma. This is sometimes heavy, but most of the time it helps us understand the other one and support one another to be my/himself.
Until recently I kept a once-a-week-job (cleanig another household), but I had to put so much effort into being capable to go (and there were almost always ef) that I quit two weeks ago. One part in me (inner critic as I know now) keeps telling me to be ashamed, but the other (my heart) tells me this was a true act of love towards myself.
So, at the moment I feel overall not so bad.
What I've read in this forum touched me, because you are so kind and supportive to each other. I'd like to be a part of this :-)


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