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Topics - Regret

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Sleep Issues / My dreams are a changin'
« on: August 21, 2019, 06:47:29 PM »
For the past 2 to 3 years, ever since discovering or realizing I had the cPTSD disorder, my ever lucid dreams have always been helpful and/or entertaining. My dreams were positively therapeutic (at least the ones I would remember).

Over the past week, this has changed and I don't know why. Now I am having dreams about bad events in my within the past 30 years. They are not dreams of past events, not reliving the events, but they include the people in the places as they existed in those not very good events in my life.

One was the narcissist I knew for a few years who did great damage to me telling me I still had my old problem. I asked what that was and they said "you are still in love with yourself." Really? I have no clue where that came from.

Last night I had a dream about being in a workplace, the scene was a combination of two places of employment over my past 30 years,  and involved me and another person being told that the consensus of the company was that in 88% of the things I did, I was found to be or have a negative influence by those I was dealing with while working. The other person was rated at 20% negative.

Both of these had me waking up triggered, not feeling well and questioning what was going on in my dreams. Up until now, I was never criticized in any of my dreams. My dreams were always representations of past events but in a happy, positive and changing for the better script, re-writing my history in a better way than it was. They helped with my recovery.

That seems to have changed now. I'm not looking for an answer to this,, what's going on, just saying I'm not real happy about my dreams turning negative lately and have no idea of where they are going in the future or what effect they will have on me, or my life upon waking. Or my daily life.

If or when they do, I will add to this.

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Mother's/Father's Day / Mother's Day Forgiveness
« on: May 12, 2019, 05:44:33 PM »
Today I realized I never knew my mother.

She died 2 years ago at 99 years of age.

Over the past two years I have learned a lot about her life and now understand her.

I know how she raised me and how that turned out.

Today I forgave her.

May she rest in the peace she never knew.

Time for me to move on . . .

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Depression / A different state of depression, maybe
« on: April 25, 2019, 11:54:13 PM »
First, I'll admit I haven't read everything on the forum about depression (and there is a lot to read) and have yet to watch the Stanford video but I noticed something different about my depression today and wanted to know if anyone else has experience the same thing.

I've known depression for 30 years, maybe 40, and the period of deepest depression for me, times I remember well, were in the 80s. Over the past 10 to 15 years, I been depressed at times but it was never as bad, as deep as the 80s but it still ended up putting me in a very bad state of mind.

Since the parental tapes left my head a few months ago, those tapes that I used to guilt and shame myself all the time, a lot has changed so much in my life is new to me. Today I felt exhausted, just wanted to sleep, had no energy or desire to do anything. After a few hours, I realized I was depressed but without the guilt or shame tapes to make me feel worse, the depression was nothing more than what seemed to be a need to take the day off, sleep and rest. I wasn't bashing myself with guilt and shame so the depression didn't put me in a very bad state of mind. I spent most of the day doing nothing, just sleeping and resting, and now I feel much better.

Am I mistaken as to what I think has happened? Or, has this been experienced by anyone else? Having discovered my cPTSD about 2 years ago, everything since then has been from a different perspective so I don't know if it is possible for depression to present itself this way.

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General Discussion / A life stolen Ė Whatís love?
« on: March 22, 2019, 10:26:27 PM »
NOTE: I type too much, motor fingers if you will. I get going and it just pours out. I have so much to say and try to keep it short but this is what happens. Sorry for the length, I tried to keep it short..

I have to start somewhere and after reading a new member introduction today which really hit home, I decided to start with this.

A very long time ago, from when I was very young and into my early grade school years, my feelings were stolen from me. Oh, I had them and when they were expressed, they were in one way or another destroyed or co-mingled to the point that I think the only one I was left with was anger, which when felt was usually not expressed toward or appropriate to the situation at hand. Ended up being contained anger never released. I think the last time I had feelings was around 4th grade when I was betrayed by a pastor and had a promise made to me by my parents broken.  Soon after that, I remember lying on my bed, crying, saying to myself that I will never allow myself to be happy again because happiness would always leads to disappointment, rejection, emotional pain and anger. And, I have only cried twice that I can remember since then. Throw a tantrum back then? Sure, why not. No one would listen to my side of the event and I didnít know how to do anything else. Tantrums did not make things better and since I was being both seen and heard, a big no-no in a dysfunctional family, it made it worse. I did not exist to my parents as a real person, I was not allowed to have feelings, I was taught to do what others wanted of me regardless of what I wanted for myself, my feelings were meaningless, my parents emotionally absent never supporting me and what I may have wanted my life to be. They never asked or listened so how would they know. And as for my feelings, I was not allowed to have them so they got buried and all mixed together in one big ball of anger. I guess thatís why Iíve been sarcastic and critical of others my whole life. Itís what I ended up getting or taking away from my young, formative years. Detached, co-mingled and totally suppressed feelings.

And, before I go on, I have to say that I have a very good memory of my life. I remember playing with a farm/ranch toy with animals and fences on the floor of my parentís home before I could walk. I remember toilet training. And I remember 3 huge, significant events in my early life, events that I truly believe were the beginning of my cPTSD, emotional and mentally abusive events that took place when I was about 3 years old. There were many others bad things that happened to me in that time period of 2 to 5 but the big 3 impacted me forever, as I now know, and I can still picture the 3 scenes as if I was standing behind myself watching events happen, detached from my body seeing myself as one of the participants, chronicling the traumatic events for later use, for reference as I tried to make life better starting in the 80s, to make sense of what I was, who I was, why I wasnít worth anything, why I was a square peg in a round hole, why I could never do anything right, why I had no friends, why I could not get close to anyone and why I would not let anyone get close to me. And then came my 3 month spontaneous apocalypse, the big reveal showing me what had happened, that allowed me to put 6 decades of bad memories into perspective, to understand everything but also with the realization that the traumatic scars last forever, and recovery is not a fast, easy road.  And the memories I have? None of them are good, happy times. Only remember the bad stuff done to me and faux pas I did to others. I now try to fall asleep at night looking for my mind palace of good times. I have but two, one is not a happy ending and the other was a temporary event with no one else around, both happened during my high school years.

So, with that background said, back to this topic, whatís love? The one feeling that I have never had, never experienced is love. I donít have the foggiest idea of what love is.  I do not feel love, I do not know love. I did not realize others loved me in the past but know they walked out of my life after a period of a few months to a few years because I did not, could not return the feeling of love they had for me, some loving me 10-20 years after walking away. I was not, could not look for love because I did not know what love is. I regret that I lost a lot of good people in my life who loved me because I did not see it, feel it or return it. If love hit me square between the eyes today, I would not know it, feel it, be able to receive it, appreciate it, share it or return it because as many have written on this site, I was taught that I wasnít worth anything and I guess love is the really big anything that went missing from my life.

I was, as could be said, that person looking for love in all the wrong places. As a fawn, I did what I thought others needed or wanted me to do be accepted by them. I did everything for them, never for myself because I didnít have a clue of what it meant to be a person, I was not myself, I was not living my own life, a life stolen at a very early age. And the relationships I did end up having were shallow and short lived because I only sought the feeling of their acceptance after doing something I thought they wanted me to do. Thatís really a sad commentary. Another regret I has is how my life could and should have been so much better had it not been stolen.

So, whatís love and how do I find that feeling? What do or can I do to find that basic feeling and kick start it back to life in my head, my heart?  I must say that for several months after my spontaneous reveal, I truly understood, not felt but understood, what love really is and why one of my biggest regrets is never having had love in my life. Then there are the many regrets of the many opportunities missed because I did not know love. With that came the deep desire to go back and apologize to all those I hurt for not knowing, not understanding love, for not knowing they loved me and I basically rejected their feelings. Those regrets hit me in my heart, not my head, and for the first time in my life probably gave me an experience of true love lost, the sorrow and the deep regrets for those things that were stolen from me, my life, and making me realize how my life could have been so much different, better, full, filled with love had it not been for my early emotional traumatic experiences that started it all.

I canít buy true love, I know that. But is there a way to develop, to learn a feeling I never had? Or do I spend the rest of my live without it? I'm at a loss on this.

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Introductory Post / New member introduction
« on: February 28, 2019, 09:40:34 PM »
The forum handle says it all, my current state of mind - regret.

Became fully aware of my life, what it or I was for close to 70 years, when convergent life events, which made me realize I first had PTSD and then discovered its precursor C-PTSD. Those realizations started an interesting period of dreaming backward, with very lucid dreams, over several months with the very last dream resulting in my personal apocalypse, the unknown was revealed, the cause of my life's problems became clear and my life began anew that day with all of the social skills and real life experiences of a 2 year old.

So, regret, actually regrets and there are a lot of them, has me in a state of mind that there is nothing that happens at any moment of every new day that does not bring back something from my past life that I now regret having done because the life I was living at that time was not my own thanks to C-PTSD given during my first 4 to 6 years of my life.

I fully understand what happened to me, and my sister, and blame no one but am looking for a way to get out from under the constant regret I have for not having been able to live my own life for over 6 decades, for all the hurt I caused others and the stupid things I had done.

I don't know if this site will help me, I hope it does, but it's a first step, a new step, and I'm not sure if anyone else has ever had a spontaneous reveal of all, woke up with a totally clear mind, the parental tapes erased and being able to for the first time live in the moment. I was given the chance to start with a clean slate. The PTSD is gone but the complex remains.

I am out of the storm, in a way, but being battered with a lifetime of regrets and knowing the cause. Mine is a long story, this is just an abstract, so I will leave the introduction here and hope I can find or learn things to help me get over my life filled with regret and that which is deep inside not letting me resolve their causes.

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