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Topics - zeekoctane

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Other / TRIGGER ALERT. Guilt, confusion, and where do I go now
« on: August 10, 2020, 07:12:02 PM »
Please do not read if you are sensitive to IATC [intentional animal torture and cruelty ].

My M had BPD and My F had APPD (antisocial/psychopathic personality Disorder). I was doomed from the start. I grew up with my M telling me that I was just like my F (he was killed in a farming accident when I was an infant). My F was notorious for IATC and zoosadism because of his upbringing. He continually did these things. When I was in 2nd grade my mom started taking me to a farm run by some of her friends. Here, I was forced to participate in various forms of IATC because my mom told me I was just like my dad. She made me do this many times over the next 3 years until that family went to jail for their actions. I hated it. I pleaded to not go, but was too young to not go. I had to obey or suffer the consequences. She stated this would prove to me that I was like him. Needless to say, This has haunted me all day everyday of my life. I just do not know how to get the images out of my head. I need help. My T says they will fade in time, but when?

Everything is a trigger because I live in a farming community and tv is full of shows and commercials with animals. I am looking for ideas on desensitizing my triggers.

And no, I am not just like my F.

General Discussion / it is all so complicated.
« on: July 17, 2020, 09:01:55 PM »
I need to ask question about extremely sensitive topics. Where do I put them? Or how do I mark them? They are related to religious cults, sexual abuse, and zoosadism. I can keep it all inside my head, but I feel the need to ask opinions.

General Discussion / therapy vs. family
« on: October 21, 2019, 09:13:43 PM »
I have been trying to open up to my husband about my recovery. He is under the impression it should be like AA and then all is fixed. I told him today that my counselor told me I need to find something that relaxes me and then we can focus on changing responses to the triggers. Because of my childhood, I have countless triggers. So, I told my husband what I am working on this week and he replies something about my creating all of these triggers so I do not have to do anything I don't want to or go places I don't want to. He says I control what they are so it is convenient for me. I am so frustrated. He wants me to share but he tears me down when I do. Anyways. I am not using these as a means of getting out of something. I work very hard and I am a full time student. I take care of my family. He is closed minded and not willing to read up on cptsd.

General Discussion / At a loss
« on: June 16, 2019, 09:15:04 PM »
I don't know where to start. It has been a long week (or life) and I am looking for ideas or help. My CPTSD is a result of coming from a single parent home with the only parent having BPD. It was very difficult and still is. My mom died about 9 years ago and I thought it would get easier because she wasn't breathing down my neck, but it has not. The plot thickens because my husband of 23ish years does not think CPTSD is real and I should just get over it because every one has a rough childhood. He has continued to blame me for all of his life problems because somehow I created them. I am, apparently the reason for all of his life struggles. For the past 3 years, he has been on many very heavy hitting medications for an injury and has been increasingly coming down on me for wrecking his life. His mood swings are directly related to the cycle of medication in the day. I feel helpless because I know he acts the way he does primarily because of the medication, but that does not stop the hurt. He has now resorted to lecturing me in the same manner that my mom did for my entire life. In a nut shell, he is my trigger and my mom now. I have been in therapy to try and resolve childhood issues but it has become complicated with his "new" role.
Any ideas would be appreciated.

General Discussion / brainspotting
« on: April 26, 2019, 10:00:11 PM »
Has anyone had success with using the brainspotting therapy? There is now a new alternate to that which I am looking for information on. The new method uses an item that gives you a positive feeling so when you are in the negative spot, you can learn to go to the positive spots feelings. I have been unable to find literature on this. It sounds promising to me but I need to know more.

Introductory Post / nervous
« on: March 08, 2019, 08:06:38 PM »
I have been to this place a few times but have not had the courage to join. I have known about my cptsd for about 10 years now. I have gone the various therapies, including emdr and brainspotting, but have not had any resolution. I am at a wall in my life and need to find a way over it. I personally do not know anyone else who understands what my daily life struggles are and am hoping I find support here.

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