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I've been dating for about a year now but haven't been doing so since lockdown. One person I initially felt attracted to, I thought her was sweet when he offered me his scarf when I was cold and was had a laugh on 2-3 of our dates. He was quite stingy although had a good job, I don't mind sharing paying for things especially as we were just trying to  get to know each other. Anyway I was fed up with him saying he can't meet for 2 weeks because of this or that which I was okay once or twice as I have things to do too but the third time coupled with the stinginess just subsided my attraction, it just festered out. I ended the dating. So its good I know I don't want these certain negative qualities he had, stinginess, no commitment.

I started dating someone else who ticks all the boxes, nice guy, treats me with respect, we have some similar interests, pays for everything. He's punctual, has a good job ( this doesn't matter to me but he's self sufficient) but I just don't feel the attraction. I know people say attraction can grow but do you believe you just don't feel it with some people? We are I'd say friends and are still in touch. I'm not waiting on mr perfect as I know this doesn't exist and I really do want to be in a relationship. I have worked so much on managing and controlling my chronic pain which has made me very depressed and worsened my CPTSD. I feel in a place where I can have a relationship now. I would like someone to share simple things with like watching films together, cuddling on the sofa, going on holiday together.

Has anyone had any similar experiences while dating?

Recently, a little over a week ago A street cat named Bob died in a road traffic accident. The story of his owners life, James, an addict who was homeless when he met Bob really touched me. James credited Bob for saving his life and through his books he write about his experiences with Bob, buying his house. His life has completely turned around. James and Bob absolutely adored each other. Since I heard Bob had died , I have been overwhelmed with grief, I cannot stop crying, I feel such intense pain like stabbing and aching in my heart. James is quoted as saying his little soul mate has crossed the rainbow bridge, there's never been a cat like him or will be again and he's bereft.

I feel so much for James, he'll never be able to do all the things he wanted to do together with Bob (they used to fly all over the world for book signings) he was going to be the ring bearer at his wedding. I feel for Bob too, he got out the house, I don't know how but I suspect although nothing has been reported someone took him, dying alone without James beside him. It utterly breaks my heart. His owner was so happy and he said Bob was his soulmate. I have never met either of them but watched the film.

I understand I am upset and I have read comments on social media of others being in tears of Bob's death but I don't understand why I feel utterly grief stricken as if I knew James or Bob personally or as if this has happened to me. I hope so much James can regain happiness and strength from Bob's spirit ( he has said he feel's Bob around and see's a bit of ginger running up the stairs)

I know this sounds really intense but I feel an absolute grief stricken mess over this. Does anyone else have any thoughts on this?

I have been thinking why any friendships or other relationships I have seemingly attracted people who have treated me in an appalling manner when I feel they wouldn't treat others like this.

I have had and have a few friends in my life whom I would not expect would ever treat me in the manner I describe above.

However I do feel a bit disconnected but I'm grateful for who I do have in my life.

There was one person who out of her toxic jealousy exploded at me when we met for a coffee. I hadn't seen her in months. I was homeless and had just secured a flat at this time. I'm sure she planned to meet me in order to be emotionally abusive. This was about 12 years ago and I still feel some of the nasty things she said are in my head. I know this was her issue and nastiness but I can't help feeling this is my fault and a problem with me. I attract these horrible people.

I have had good things happen but I am quite disconnected and I have this negativity from what different people have said to me in my head. I just can't shake it off.

I don't know if this is a feeling of wanting to feel connected and a couple of these people making sure this didn't happen by their behaviour.

Does anyone else have these feelings and can't get even very old nastiness out your head?

I do feel as well I bother people some of the time and when I am 'found out' (my worth) I am not worthy of being treated with respect. This is not my belief system but it is a feeling I have deep down.

I had yet another intense long EF flashback and couldn't sleep last night. I was crying and I was getting angry with all emotions and memories of injustice at work and the memories of where these feelings come from. I was getting frustrated this is constantly going round and round my head. I started to try and ground myself by saying 'I am having an emotional flashback, I am safe, I am in my bed, ****** and ****** are with me (my furries) This calmed me down and it seemed to shift something. 

I can't believe the shift it made in my brain. It felt like the emotions went and felt like an empty space, a peaceful space. My feelings were not intense and all over the place as they had been for 10 months. If I felt the feelings coming back a bit I kept repeating it. I began to remember with clarity how things took place in work and the adequate response I said to my boss out loud.

The EF have still come back a bit bit today but very mildly and I have grounded myself by telling myself I am having an EF, where I am, I am safe and who I am with. I have some peace with this finally!! I felt relaxed today and even smiling a bit when I was outside (Anxiety/hypervigilance can make being relaxed outside difficult for me too) I am going to write down the clarity of events I remember and why this whole scenario has triggered me. Not a nice time but at least if anything I can release these buried emotions after years.

However I do feel I want to tell the bully exactly what she did wrong and that this was harassment. So there is still anger around her vindication. Also how she knew what she was doing was wrong but felt able to do it. Still anger here too. I need to work on grounding on this.

This shift for me made me realise how inner self talk and grounding taps into your subconscious in a powerful and healing way.

This also made me realise how the psyche is damaged during psychological abuse (I knew my psychological abuse was not right and not true (as a teenager)) but it goes into your subconscious without you being able to control it and this is what causes the serious damage to the developing brain.

I mainly just wanted to record this for me but I welcome any comments too.   

I was looking through the bullying and harassment posts and someone had said they were so glad this person had left and I thought it was the date I left but I actually left the week before this. Not that I think for a moment I would be the subject of someone thinking I'm the bully. After my manager had twisted things it makes me paranoid.

CPTSD is worrying what others think of us. I also get paranoid any 'bad' comment is directed at me, not on here but out there in the world. 

When I get really anxious or hypervigilant my ears sound weird like having an ear infection or a cold without having one, the sound goes on and off and surroundings really loud. I was shopping a couple of weeks ago and I was trying to make conversation with the cashier but felt I sounded very quiet and the 'beeping' of the scanner felt right beside my ears. The rest of the environment sounded distant a little bit like underwater or veiled in some way.

I hope this is making sense. Is this part of hypervigilance?

This comes up for me now and again. I worry if people think I fancy them when I don't or if there is a professional relationship and someone helps me with something then sometimes I do get a bit 'attracted' but worry they think I fancy them. Does this make sense to anyone else? Do other people feel like this too?

I have always felt attracted to the opposite sex even though I have had problems with men and was scared of them for a long while. But sometimes I feel a bit 'attracted' (I use quotation marks as this the only word expresses this best) to women too if they are nice to me or helpful. This doesn't happen with everyone of both sexes just some people. I worry people think I am coming on to them (There is no reason for them to think this other than me chatting to them) You know that unconscious 'attraction' which you can see and spot even with other people.

 I keep getting the same comment going round and round my head and its upsetting me as this comment was directed at me to target me and it feels like the other two bullies have been brought into it and it feels like a threat.

My boss said inappropriate things before I left my previous work (He never managed harassment due to me my mental health and was deflecting onto me)  He said I would have been disciplined for a comment I never made, this is the main thing which bothers me!  He said 'I have protection to these people as well' before he accused me. I said to another colleague has he told his boss about their behaviour?!

Its hard to explain and it sounds trivial. My harassment started when a colleague shouted and pointed at me then I was crying for 45 minutes. This continued for 16 months. My health has suffered due o this treatment, loss of trust in management and people, my interactions with people, not being able to do more hours where if I had support I could have.

I can't get out my head what he said to me before I left, which diminished any trust left in him and cut me off from anything good and from contacting that branch or going there again (My current job is in a different part of the city but the same organisation so we ere connected this way)

I know its easy to say I'm better off out of there and I am but its feeling three or four people attacking me due to my health and his inability to manage. There was understanding of my health (as much as there can be) once this all kicked off and my boss ruined and diminished this for me when he deflected just before I left.

I have lost out on:

A leaving night

• Advice/support as I feel I can't contact the branch
  
• Relief (filling in for absence/holidays)
  
If I'm honest a realistaion that the bully (who had moved) isn't that important
Things were so much better when I left and felt much better

My boss had the audacity to send an email to his manager, me and my union rep to ask how he supported me in the months since we had our meeting. He was also asking other staff I work with after me 'How's....' It really pissed me off and made me angry he had an audacity to ask after me after how he ended things for me.

I wouldn't have went on their nights out - Christmas etc as I don't trust my boss and 2 colleagues have been vindicated - one especially as she was the worse harasser. Three roses sent me a very informative link about relationships and the difference between familiarity and comfort and its the best piece of information I've ever read on relationships - helping me to understand the feeling better.

Part of CPTSD the connection of have an okay ending (after all that had happened) and some understanding of my health meant a lot to me and my boss destroyed this. But the former is all I wanted. I have been depressed, angry and dysregulated about all of this since.

Sorry this is so long, I want to feel better from this. Highlights I don't even have an okay understanding from people in my life about CPTSD and wanted this.

Does anyone else (probably) feel they wish they had died a long time ago?

I just can never see myself as an 'old' person and I don't want to. I would have done it already but I have my two wee cats and I would hate them to be mistreated plus I feel they 'know' when I'm really struggling. When I was seriously depressed last year I wished I could take them with me. I have felt suicidal for years with some years not feeling this and sometimes it has been more intense. Last year though I REALLY wanted to go and didn't care about anything, possessions are nothing (I have some things I am grateful for but not rich by any means) My cats are my family, they are reliant on me.

I am struggling just now not to slash my arms. I find cutting really satisfying at releasing everything I need it to but I know its really damaging. I am very self conscious so this kind of stops me but not my pain. Also now I do a sport where I need to show my arms, I am ashamed if anyone sees my scars (They are small and on upper arm but there if up close)

I just feel I want to be out of this pain and move on to a better life, I believe we do get reincarnated.

I do not feel actively suicidal but it is always in the background.I don't want to trigger others but do others feel the same way?

I have been acting out my anger by mimicking behaviour of others who have made me feel dysregulated. It is understandable I am angry but this has been going on for months and I end up crying and becoming really upset.

I'm sure my neighbours think I'm 'mental' which makes be a bit embarrassed to go outside in case anyone has heard me.

It is work related what triggered this. This is what I'm mimicking. I have worked a lot on why I feel like this and it stems back from losing the relationship with my dad after his S.A and being stuck with no refuge with my abusive alcoholic step dad who hated me and my m going along with this.

I want this stuff out my head! It is so intense it has effected relating to to others even more, I think about it all the time, work (before lockdown) home, around others.

I will never trust my boss again (I could never trust my dad again) It seems like I'm mourning this (boss) relationship in a really intense way when I don't trust him, I don't feel comfortable around him. He did sabotage the relationship with colleagues in the work place both unconsciously and to deflect from his (lack) management. Maybe I am mourning having my formative relationships sabotaged through abuse and control?

Does anyone else mimic or act out others mistreatment when angry? Does anyone have any tips to deal with this?

I used to get a lot of pain in my genitals when I was very young.

This always happened at night and the pain started when my mum left my dad overnight with my brother due to DV. I would wake up screaming in agonising pain. The worse pain you could ever feel in your life. It just went on and on, nothing would get rid of the pain.

I remember my gran and mum talking among themselves saying things like 'what has he done to her' I heard my mum saying 'Stay out of her room' when he kept going in at night. My mum took me to the doctors and I remember her saying to my dad 'I'm taking her to the doctors' before we went.

Before going to the doctors she took me to the chemist about different red rashes I had on my 'trunk', legs, thighs. They couldn't help. I remember the chemist saying 'I've never seen anything like it before' I think my mum was worried the doctor would find out something was going on and I'd be removed from her. 

At the doctors, I said to my mum 'Mummy will we tell the doctor it gets sore at night' I clearly remember her telling me 'Let me do the talking' As I was 5/6 I did as my mum told me. My mum just said I'm sensitive with soaps. The doctor took an outer swab which was sore and she really dug the swab stick into my skin as she dragged. I even said 'Ahhh'

So nothing came of this visit. I got a cream my mum could put on when it was sore which of course did nothing. That's like telling someone who has been raped to put a cream on your skin to soothe the bits inside it won't help with.

Does anyone else think the doctor should have been more attuned or done more to investigate or at least ask me what was wrong?

I'm not sure if this is the right place to put this topic.

I read recently that CPTSD is similar to bipolar and incorporates personality disorder - the article did say professionals are still debating exactly what is incorporated into CPTSD. I didn't like PD connotation as my dad was borderline and abused me and my brother was borderline and narcissistic and was extremely volatile and horrible to me. I did find the information on affect regulation helpful as it said if something upsets someone with CPTSD they can't identify the emotion, know why they are feeling this or what it reminds them of - they don't feel the emotion as sad or angry, it is just pain.

I found this incredibly powerful but I would say I can feel, upset/sad, angry, disappointed all at once and extreme emotional pain as well and it often takes a very very long time or at least some thinking as why I feel so strongly about triggers/EF.

Do other people feel like this? Are other people confused by what is incorporated in CPTSD? Do other people reject the personality disorder connotation in CPTSD?

I know some people think CPTSD and BPD are similar but I disagree with this and I think a good therapist would as well. This is not what I mean as regards to PD in CPTSD - I just mean in general terms.

I subconsciously blame myself when people treat me badly especially if I have known them a while or are/were friends. I know within myself their behaviour is their problem and not my fault. It is like a battle I have with myself. I don't l know if this is the inner critic?

There was a friend I had known for a long time who had upset me on two previous occasions one by not communicating she had went into a venue and leaving me waiting outside for almost half an hour (difficult as I hate standing about and feel people are watching me) and for making insensitive comments about my abuse (she often makes comments without thinking) So I decided to distance myself from her. She wanted to meet at least once or twice a week and due to the above I wanted to protect myself. I had not seen her for months at a time for years and now because she was at a loose end she was clinging to me.

She wanted to go to a play which I had said months ago I would like to go, so honoured this although I didn't want to go with her (I should listen to this) We started bickering a bit as she had become in the past months quite arrogant and it was getting on my nerves, she always thinks shes right. I said to her she wasn't being a good friend leaving me outside waiting on her when she never communicated anything and I wouldn't expect any friend to do this.

When we got outside after the play she exploded into a tirade, screaming in my face saying continually 'you never said sorry' (It did sound ridiculous!) I was literally two minutes later than we planned to meet and she was one of the first at the venue. She is always late for everything. I said she was drawing attention and tried to reason. The only thing I did wrong was not walk away. I am working on this. As a child I had to stay and listen to abuse, so its like a freeze reaction. I was off sick from work at this time. She also knows about my mental health problems - CPTSD, depression, anxiety. I text her after 2 weeks to say I didn't want to see her again after her volatile outburst and can't believe she did this to someone with severe form of PTSD which she replied saying I was playing the victim etc.

I know this is her issue which I told her, if she thinks her reaction is 'normal' she needs help. And that I have had enough of this type of behaviour in my life. One things she said in her many abusive messages was that I have had a lot of bad endings and this has kind of stuck with me. People have treated me badly and things have ended badly but I don't believe this was my fault yet is niggles at me.

There was this 'friend', work (bullying) and a couple of other people I thought were my friends treating me badly and being abusive and nasty which still get to me. I think, if this happens in 3-4 different places then this must be me? I know what happened in each of these scenarios, the recent friend thinking she's always right, my manager not managing and blaming me to deflect from himself, a 'friend' turning people against me though her jealousy etc.

Does anyone else have this internal battle?

My mind has been swarming as to what my previous work situation has been reminding me of. Its understandable I was upset by what happened - in short bullying and harassment, my boss lying and blaming me.

The disconnection I felt with this situation as I moved branches reminds me of when I told my friends when I was 13 I had been abused by my dad and he said I was lying. I couldn't go to my dad's house which was my only desperate refuge from my step dad's alcoholism and emotional abuse, my mum backed my step dads every word and action. I changed as a person,  wouldn't say I was confident before this but I was annihilated starting at 13, lost my friends and all my issues in the world seemingly began. I have never been able to feel anything about this period in my life or the ensuing years afterwards up until now.

For some reason this has also been triggering and upsetting me where it never had before. Years later, I was in my early twenties, I tried to trust a man and he was my first boyfriend, it was a very brief relationship. I had serious issues being around men and struggled talking to most people but with men it was worse. I had been abused so badly and felt ashamed around people buy mainly men. I had severe physical issues due to my past abuse and was in pain and discomfort all the time. Anyway I entered into a relationship with this man. I thought maybe he could help me trust men again. He violently raped me which was the worse/same pain I'd ever felt in my life. I felt this pain as a child when I was 5/6 being raped. My so called bf wouldn't stop when I asked him to and kept on going. I was in pain for days afterwards and could barely sit down. I was so niave as to 'proper' relationships, I thought this pain was partly due to sex. I didn't want to think the way he 'had sex' with me wasn't consential. I met him once after this and he was distant, aloof and even tried to have sex with me again. I thought this was normal. Also my fault my body wouldn't let him. My body didn't let him the first time but he forced him self inside me. Then he dumped me. I thought there was something wrong with me physically. Which of course there was but years later through sex therapy I have learned this can get better. I have diagnoses for what was wrong, what I am still dealing with. I didn't know why this came up with my work situation but I think it is because what it initially reminded me off with loss and abandonment of having no escape from my abusive step dad and being abandoned by my mum. It was my dads S.A which lead me to being stuck with them and then then the physical and emotional pain I've never been able to release from the rape. 

This was a release writing this.

Due to recent events with coronavirus and the vital importance it has been for the wider community to connect and help one and other.  I wanted to take the time to air how things ended at *said office. When you started to ignore me by walking away from the staff desk two weeks before I left I felt our working relationship has not been rebuilt.

I was surprised you did this after the meeting with senior manager, my union rep and myself. I understand I aired to Martin I was unhappy regarding my treatment after I had remembered how my harassment had begun. When you accused me on my last day for the third and final time of saying 'She looked at me funny' (she has a squint). This instantly diminished any trust I had left in you. I shouted at you previously because of what you accused me of. Then telling me I would have been disciplined for this as well as speaking to Melony regarding her harassment and shouting at you. You invalidated my harassment and my health when you said this to me. I have not been at peace with any of this since.

This highlighted to me Melony has not been adequately spoken to regarding her harassment which took place and this has not been reported in order to vindicate her about harassing and targeting someone with a mental health problem, a disabled person. (*Boss said I shouldn't have spoken to her as she's disabled (she has mild cerebral palsy) when he instructed me to do so)

I left *said office feeling completely disconnected and knowing I could never go back there. This made me feel isolated and depressed and made my transition to *another branch much more difficult. I wanted a leaving night but after you began to ignore me this was the deciding factor I didn't have one. A cold goodbye from staff after four years of working there further upset me. (I just wanted something 'normal' instead of constant chaos or isolation in my life)

When I found out a night out was arranged 2 weeks rearranged to 5 weeks after I left and Peter (*harasser who started harassment) had invited Melony, someone who harassed me due to my health fueled the above feelings. I felt this was inappropriate and insensitive.

I also find it confusing you said you were busy therefore never had my last lunch with me but said you'd like to come and watch my sports game. I didn't want things to end like this and it started to upset me after a couple of weeks when I realised it had and this couldn't be changed.

I had felt everything in work had become better before the last two weeks at *said office. I'm further upset I don't feel able to contact or ask for advice/support from *said office due to how things ended. The recent improvement at *said office before I left could have had a positive impact on improving my health but instead the ending has caused detriment to my mental health and wellbeing. I hope in time to be able to speak to you on the phone or build some sort of bridge. This will not take away the impact of how you made things end for me.

As the whole country has to isolate, it's a lifeline for everyone to have connections, small acts of kindness and support from people and services most normally take for granted. I hope you can appreciate how frustrating and isolating this can be and come to realise the impact the ending at *said office has had on me.

All the best,

Brightlight

I really want to send this to my ex manager!!

*My manager allowed bullying and harassment after *Peter shouted at me and I was crying for almost an hour. Melony joined in with Peter's harassment and my manager witnessed this and harassed me to move branches due to this. Despite this he was 'nice' to me which felt good. One day he put in for a move without my consent for me to move to another branch. My union rep sent him an email about this. After this he encouraged bullying and harassment from Peter and Melony and completely ignored me. He avoided me on my break/lunch. Melony copied this. I think my manager was trying to make me jealous he was giving her attention. I felt suicidal. I never got help with reasonable adjustments but Melony had positive discrimination from most staff.  My managers 'union rep' and my manager were trying to get me sacked due to my health and aspects of the job he wasn't helping me with. This is the UK, so we have the equalities act, so the above behaviour is very serious. (I believe the behaviour is serious and unacceptable anywhere) *I hope this additional information is allowed - just to help people understand the background.

My country like many others are in full lockdown at the moment.

We are only allowed out once a day for essential shopping (food), medicine, and exercise. I have had flu like symptoms without the cough which may or may not be the virus - a lot of people just don't know at the moment.

Due to CPTSD and depression, all my life comprised of for a long time was going out for essential shopping, medicine and no exercise. This is not a new thing for me. However I am quite a bit better than my worse mental health state and finding not being able to nip outside when I want a wee bit difficult.

An exercise group I belong to is having a live stream in a couple of days which I will find difficult to do as I will find it hard to introduce myself its like I get scared to speak around lots of people with fear of being judged. There is another member who a few weeks ago during an exercise where we have to count each others laps stopped and I realsied at the end (I found it easier to focus watching everyone else due to high anxiety - we are all in a circle) she was crying. Two people comforted her but I couldn't help feel she was upset because of something I did. I knew I hadn't actually done anything to upset her. My laps are fast (but weren't always done correctly and takes practice) and I think she was comparing herself to me. There are other exercises I am not as confident in yet, so I am by no means an expert but trying.

Anyway one of our coaches had a pep talk about confidence in a session a couple of weeks later and 'we all have different life stories' and sometimes we have imposter syndrome etc and it was a good talk and positive. Then everyone on my team gets send an email from another coach about being positive and gave a specific example I said I couldn't do without naming me but I felt this was like big brother watching me. Also there was an example about laps and someone saying they only got a certain number of laps and when she was training this made her feel less confident. I know this was sent to everyone but makes me feel it was directed at me. I have never said I 'only' got such and such number of laps but would maybe seem disappointed when I never got the required amount.

I know they have had talks before (before my time there) about confidence so this is a universal thing. There is someone in the group who I feel (I can't even explain the feeling!) 'knows' the laps comment was about her feeling/comparing herself to me and its as if she feels (I'm struggling to explain this) 'good' about this and as if I am the one being 'negative' Does this make any sense to anyone? Does anyone resonate? 

Is it 'normal' to not remember huge parts or emotional abuse?  I find it so hard for me to put this into words to describe how horrendous it was.

I was 12 going on 13 when this started by my mothers bf, I was already traumatised by witnessing DV and had been S.A and P.A before this. By far though the emotional abuse and emotional neglect was far far worse for me. My mother sided with her bf.

I don't know if it was previous truama, re-traumatisation therefore the brains way of protecting itself from more damage so its easier to forget? Or my developing age, I can't remember huge chunks or the E.A just how it made me feel. And still makes me feel. I remember bits. I can tell bits but can't express how day to life was for me other than *.

It is good and a long time coming but I feel resentful that children are protected from emotional abuse in my country now. I used to pray every night to get taken away from my home life and it never happened. I am glad there is an awareness of E.A and the effects but I just feel its too late for me. I feel a tiny slight is now considered E.A now. 

MY mums bf abuse was OTT, he put the fear of God into me, I was scared to move or speak. He said I was only good for being a prostitute (referring to the S.A by my dad) 'only a mother could love that' referred to me as an 'it' or 'that' '*' I failed at school so I was 'stupid' and he played me and my brother off against each other. I was told not to speak and that my voice was so high. I still feel a bit paranoid about the sound of my voice now (which I've been told sounds normal) 

I feel constantly hypervigilant and this is more active around groups, open spaces and worse when I feel depressed.

Today at work I was sorting an order for a customer and I said thanks when I handed her the order. She looked at me, this weird look like she thought my facial expression didn't match the circumstances, I felt she was judging me. I feel this a lot of the time.

I feel threatened if someone looks at me for a long time or sometimes I look excessively unhappy or scared as I am very nervous in the environment and I feel others relate to me negatively due to this. I assume I know what others are thinking of me by their facial expression and always think its something negative unless thy smile at me.

I know this stems from trying to figure out how someone was going to behave towards me and I had to gauge the mood through body language and their facial expressions. Does anyone else struggle with this? It makes me want to SCREAM 

Hi guys and girls and everyone,

I am struggling to move on from harassment in my workplace by two people, my manager ignored this and then joined in with it himself. He tried to blame me which is what is most upsetting for me. I am so upset about this when the last time I saw him was 7 months ago now. I am still crying like a blubbering wreck. He waited 'til 30 mins before I left on my last day and blamed me and accused me of derogatory comment I never said. I feel he cut me off from having a leaving night due to his behaviour and accessing further help from the team as I don't trust him after how he treated me.

I am in the same job but a different office and he and my other ex manager phone all the time about staffing etc. They have a good relationship with some other people in my team (who are all fine - phew) and it makes me feel even worse. I know the problem was him but I just wish it had been different. My health could have improved had he been more supportive and I feel I could have tried to trust more and make connections.

I have asked myself if this is reminding me of something else from my past and all I can think about is when I finally told about my dad abusing me and it was a sudden cut off and the shame this entailed due to 'everyone knowing' and my mothers bf calling me a prostitute. I felt alienated and wanted to explain to my dad I didn't want to hurt him or get him into trouble. Not being in touch with him massively impacted on me as my mum's bf was an angry alcoholic who emotionally abused me as the worse possible time in my life. 

I tend to keep my feelings (which are many and intense) to myself. I have disclosed my CPTSD diagnosis to a couple of people including work as I needed support. However I feel It'd hopefully be helpful to do this to an organsiation I'm a member of as difficulties have arose with my CPTSD. I feel more comfortable telling them I have PTSD rather than CPTSD as I feel shameful disclosing this. I feel like people will know my trauma, that it was mainly in childhood and I assume people wonder why are you not over it yet?

The whole complex nature of this disorder makes me sound damaged. This is what I worry about. I want to help myself and my situation but don't want to feel uncomfortable.