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Topics - johnram

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Therapy / Too much EMDR - brain fog??
« on: April 17, 2020, 06:08:46 AM »
hi all,

i want to understand from others how EMDR may impact you negatively.
I think its helped me a lot but concerned its now a barrier to my recovery given it keeps the brain churning memories and "processing"

what are peoples thoughts and experiences?


I am trying to understand my risk of developing schizophrenia/psychosis, given my mother had it. I have had a lot of trauma, hence the ask.

So for context, my mother had post natal after i was born, but that later became schizophrenia. It has stayed with her since (over 30 years) and has mostly used Depixol to treat it.

Now, we had a traumatic childhood and more trauma beyond, and have gotten through all that. I am now 37 and given the following factors i dont think i have a risk but just want to check and understand:

- my mothers family doesnt have schizophrenia, it appears very situational (bad arranged marriage, first time leaving her home country)
- my father doesnt and neither does any of his family
- my brothers and i have had a traumatic upbringing and that hasnt posed a risk
- i have done lsd twice, and didnt impact me, also did some weed, my brother did some other drugs and was fine
- Have gone through depression and addictions myself and come out ok
- my age is much older than when a man should get it (i am 37 and i believe nearing the drop off for no risk?)
- I dont have any symptoms etc
- her circumstances were specific

hope that sets a scene, and appreciate any guidance. as i have had my own mental health journey, this is just one thing i want to understand given i feel i have moved forward a lot.

thank you kindly

I have sat infront of many a therapist, they dont get it, or they do to some degree, but rarely do they get the depth and nuances.  Its why i find these forums exceptional, people understand, they may have a different approach (always useful) but its welcome.

In this world, with all the bad that goes on, and even though my parents used me and in some ways made me "a giver", having now understand more and more what happened to me, and why i have cPTSD symptoms and associated problems, i feel i want to help in the future as a therapist. 

Keen to take views and thoughts to that question?

Additionally though, i keep reading and have been told qualified therapists dont earn much, now as an aside, that isnt my motivation but it does matter, and i am really confused as i see therapists charging fair money in my opinion, and appreciate they may not see more than say 25-30 clients a week, but suprised they dont earn sufficiently (someone else said this again recently to me)

anyway, i am rambling, but just wanted some thoughts

thank you

General Discussion / TRE - Trauma releasing exercises
« on: May 22, 2019, 11:59:35 AM »
Wondererd if anyone has tried or uses TRE - Trauma releasing exercises, and how they found it?

i tried it once in a class, and wasnt sure what to make of it, but thinking of trying again, but having these forums makes me feel less like a one man bad on a mission to fix myself, so thought i would ask


Hi all,

I am a little confused, i have been reading Pete Walkers CPTSD book and i feel i have displayed all 4 4F responses in differing shapes on the negative end of the continium. When i read such things, they often throw me and i feel a bit muddled and regressed that i have a lot to fix then, but wanted to post to get a sense of others experiences of these matters and working through their trauma responses??


Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Wim Hof methods - anyone used, thoughts?
« on: May 15, 2019, 12:15:36 PM »
Hi all,

i struggle with meditation, but have come across the wim hof method (loads of youtube videos and he has been in news more lately). 

I find the breating similar to meditation and it does lift my mood, if i can get myself to do it.  The cold showers part is harder, but once i am in the rythym i can keep it up more regularly

i post to ask others views, experiences (both positive and negative) of Wim and the approaches and supposed benefits


General Discussion / Shame over being manipulated / my own actions
« on: May 14, 2019, 09:32:58 AM »
So i am going to share something that is very shameful and hard for me to comprehend, so please bear with me as i know different people will have different reactions: 

my tortured upbringing resulted in my dad turning against my mother in a big way, but also from the age of 7 turning me against her (telling me stories about how she was crazy and had attacked me [she did have issues and was in and out of psych ward ]). 
When my brothers were born (i was age 9), this anger subsided a bit but did continue.  My mother was forced to run away from home with my brothers at my age 12 due to my dad and me forcing her through our neglect, leaving me solo without the new companionship of my siblings whom i adored. 

When she returned, after 6 months away, i did not want her back but it was what the wider family said was best.  Slowly, my dad encouraged my anger and i started to verbally then sometimes physically attack my mother.  She eventually left the family home solo. 

As an adult, i now know it was my dad manipulating me as he has done with others, and as hurtful as it was for me for my mother to have left, and we have both forgiven one another as she sees me as a victim as do i see her the same, i still have this confusion over my actions, and cant fully shake of the shame and guilt - writing this is helping but i want to put it out there.   

not sure what i am intending to get out of posting this, but i felt the need to express this.

I am keen to get other peoples opinions on a current dilemna i am facing.

I left my job under the advice of my wife in December as physical symptoms and behaviours associated with my cPTSD were getting worse.  My wife's words "you were not in a good way".  Now i have used the time since to do some intensive EMDR (3 hours a week) and i have been resting and managing the weight of that. 

I feel i am in a better place now, and have started to look for work now, as my buffer fund is running out. 

Now, my old boss who is narcissist / aggresive, who i dont like, and i think used my good nature to achieve her own personal goals (i dont know how to be assertive at work generally and particularly with her), she wants to hire me back.  The job pays well, and anything else i have been applying for doesnt pay as much (big gap), the recruitment market is brutal at the moment for my skills and experience.  i also want to change careers and feel that by doing this i can save some to allow that to happen, i feel if i have some more direction i can handle it better.  However, there is this latent issue of going backwards, of not moving forwards, after taking such a big step and movement.

my wife says, if i do go back, i need to have a plan, and methods to how to deal with it better, and look to change it slightly.  For me, i feel its more, take the money, use it as a base to then start looking for work, as from a CV point of view, it will look ok as i am returning to the same company, and i can then start looking into the careers i want to shift into. 

So i say all that, with the fact that i have former colleagues who have been out of work for 6 months to two years, and some have had to move abroad given the changing nature of our work.  So it feels like, its logical to take it.

Anyway, i am a bit allover the place, but wanted some guidance and thoughts please
thank you kindly


Firstly, appreciate the topic of psychedelics brings up varying opinions and has legal issues (I do not want to get into that side of matters).  I am just wanting to find out if people have used these for their treatment and what their experiences have been?

I have seen various videos, and read testimonials from people who have suffered addiction, depression, trauma and other assortment of mental health issues and they have found psychedelics and in particular Ayahuasca.

thank you


I have been viewing some videos by the Spartan Life Coach on youtube, and i am often wary of self help types trying to sell stuff, but he seems genuine, has done his homework, and seems to have gone through some of the things he teaches

i was keen to know others experiences of him, and in particular if they had used his courses as i am feeling close to doing so


PS - there was this old discussion, but i wanted to ask again -

So, i have posted before on what i feel exercise really gives me a boost, but having watched and read more about my cPTSD recently, i have come to appreciate that maybe the fact i am hypervigilant, stressed, tired, addicted etc which drain my cortisol, adrenals etc etc (brain chemicals of which i know names but not a lot of detail), it makes sense that i would get more of a boost from exercise, especially as intensity is raised a bit too.

As if i understand correctly, it gives the brain a boost of dopamine, reduces the stress symptoms and maybe heals some of the damage in the other chemical components

now i have done reading on these chemicals more from an addiction point of view, but i am keen to know if the above makes sense or anyone can offer some thoughts?

thank you

Sleep Issues / Lack of dreams - what does it mean / impact?
« on: April 18, 2019, 09:54:39 AM »
I am aware people often have flashbacks etc during their sleep, but i am quite the opposite, in that i have no dreams whatsoever and havent done for a long time. 
Started to question what that means for my memory processing / health etc, but generally what it means psychologically and open to any thoughts / comments please

General Discussion / Loneliness - flood of tears in therapy
« on: April 17, 2019, 06:04:04 AM »
For a long time, i was shut out of my emotions.  i lived on autopilot, however this recovery journey has been changing that, and more so in the past 3/4 months through some EMDR.

I was discussing with my therapist yesterday what area we should cover next (we have a long list), and working out strong feelings, and the word "loneliness" popped into my head, and then i was suddenly scared of it, as in i felt the pain of it immediately - we agreed to go with that as the next topic, and then a memory came to my head, and i broke down crying, a deep physical cry (for me)

For me that is a big deal, i have cried during EMDR when i am deep in, but never during normal talk therapy.

In many ways, i am glad for my own bravery and change to come to this point, but i am also scared to enter this topic of loneliness as it now feels like one of the most key issues in my story, which makes sense. 

Loneliness makes complete sense as a big wound for me - my parents both used me for their needs or neglected me, my mother ran off when i was young (returned later - but any form of relationship was gone), i have made weak friendships over the years who havent cared when i needed more, and my whole journey of struggle has been very solo, part of that is the shame of it all, but also the inability to articulate to myself my pain, let alone another. 
the fact i am writing this here before i carry onward with this, and the fact i cried in the manner i did, offers me hope of change, it isnt easy these recoveries, but i dont feel i have a choice, if i want to be more than that which was given (taken away) from me

posting to share, posting for thoughts from others, but also posting because its helping me get some sense

Building Protective Factors / David Goggins
« on: April 14, 2019, 09:37:54 AM »
I sometimes listen to interviews of David Goggins on youtube.  a man who would be a candidate for cPTSD given his history.

However, he has achieved a lot through grit (Navy Seal, champion ultrarunner, world pull up champion etc), and it does make me feel a bit weak if i am honest, but also curious about possibilities?


Therapy / Self EMDR - speed / intensity of machine
« on: April 13, 2019, 10:47:58 AM »

So i am currently receiving EMDR through a therapist, and that is going slowly but surely.
I also bought myself an EMDR machine for home usage, which i have occasionally used for simpler topics, or a continuation of a session when it is safe.

(I have not told my therapist i am using the machine given i have seen / heard the reactions therapists generally have to this and how its generally seen as a threat to their skills - but i am aware people do self EMDR - i.e. i have done broad homework)

I have one question though, i have a sense of how the speed / intensity may work in EMDR, but i would like some clarification / explanation from someone who knows better


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