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I'm trying to find a therapist.

I contacted one and asked them if they have experience working with Complex PTSD/CPTSD. They responded that they didn't know what I meant because CPTSD "doesn't actually qualify as a diagnosis."

Feeling very invalidated and concerned. A doctor diagnosed me already, so I know she's wrong.

I just want to preface this post with - I hope it doesn't make anyone think I'm ungrateful for having a job. I was talking to a friend recently who has bipolar disorder, and how we both hold full-time jobs and feel like we're odd because we're able to do this. Like "high functioning" or whatever, which is not really a good term. Neither of us feel comfortable talking in our local support groups about the challenges we face at work because our jobs are different from those around us. In the sexual assault support groups I've gone to, usually the majority of attendees were recently raped and are going through crisis. As a result, they often are struggling to hold a job or have taken measures to postpone work like FMLA or leaving work and finding temporary housing, and that kind of thing. For my friend and I, it feels selfish to talk about our work problems in front of people who maybe can't or don't have a job at the moment.

Now that that's said...

I've been having a really hard time with triggers at work lately. Because of the things I've learned about boundaries since going to therapy and support group, I know that my boss has horrible boundaries and is narcissistic and abusive. My workplace is toxic and I hate it, but I need my job. I'm the sole breadwinner, so it's not an option to quit unless I have another offer elsewhere.

My boss really messes with my mind, they are one of those bosses who will systematically destroy you if you get on their wrong side. I once had a conversation with them in which they gossiped about 14 separate individuals in the span of 2 hours. I've always had extremely strong ethics and one of my core values is honesty and truth. Someone like this who is two-faced and who I can't trust just really puts my entire core self on edge. Being on edge 24/7 for the last 2 years has seriously harmed my mental health and the progress I was making in my healing journey before I took this job.

I feel like maybe I could cope with the triggers of professional life if I wasn't constantly scraping the bottom of my mental health barrel because of this boss. For example, I work in development and they frequently use the word "grooming" to describe the process they follow in a recurring meeting. I hate this. I seriously have tried so many times to explain to them that the word is not right, it doesn't mean what they want it to mean, and even the organization they got the word from admitted the mistake and chose a different word ("refinement"). But despite that, everyone just loves to use this word. Every time I hear it I'm reminded of what I experienced and my FOO and abuser. These constant reminders of abuse make it so hard to focus on work.

To make matters worse, I work with mostly men, and mostly disrespectful, aggressive and sexist men. I have had to grow a really thick skin while working here because I'm a manager, so I have to protect my team, stand up for myself and them, and also manage men who poor performers in my own team.

Sometimes I think maybe I'm just not cut out for the job I'm doing. I want to change careers but I have no idea what I want to do or what I'm qualified to do besides what I'm already doing. I feel trapped and hopeless and helpless.

Hi,

I have childhood amnesia to about age 12. From age 12 I have vivid memories of abuse. The abuser admitted the abuse before I cut off all contact, and my mom confirmed it started before age 12, but I have no ability to recall what happened, just severe body reactions. I have been going to a sexual assault support group for the last 2 months, and I went to another group for 2 years in the past.

I feel like in support groups, the one thing no one ever relates to me about is sex. In the groups I've gone to, many of the women are there for rape or DV that occurred in adulthood, and not for CSA. Many of them remember a time when sex was good. Many of them still have sex or want to have sex again and have a healthy libido.

I have never had penetrative sex in my accessible memory. I can't speak for before age 12, and I suspect that I was raped as a child in those years, and that the trauma was so severe I dissociated and that's why I can't remember my life. I don't know though.

But I feel pathetic. I've been married for 7 years and my husband is so sweet and supportive, but we've never had sex. I can't imagine how hard it is for him, but I have 0 interest in sex. I feel like I'm asexual. I feel like something is wrong with me. I've had doctors do tests and hormonally everything is normal. I have vulvodynia/vaginismus and lichen sclerosus though, and these cause me constant pain and make penetrative sex impossible even if I had libido.

I guess the point of me sharing all this is...am I the only one? I feel crazy.  I frequently look at my future and I don't see how I'll ever be able to have sex and I fear that a sexless marriage for the rest of our lives would drive my husband to divorce me eventually. How can anyone ask that of another person who is perfectly healthy sexually?

Do any of you have no interest in sex? Do you remember ever enjoying sex?

Hi,

I found this website and forum recently. I'm joining because I'm tired of feeling alone. I don't know where I'm at in healing, or how to move forward. I'm diagnosed CPTSD, severe depression, and generalized anxiety.

I've had ups and downs in dealing with my trauma. Right now I think I'm in a down. Just feel lately like there isn't any hope to solve some of my deeper issues, especially with some of the symptoms of CPTSD like memory loss and dissociation. It's like how do you fix things you can't even remember?

How do you know if you developed CPTSD in childhood or adulthood? This forum mentions this distinction.