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Topics - Ecowarrior888

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I am tired. I am tired all the time. It is constant warfare in my head. Constantly trying to convince myself that I am not at my dad's house anymore. That my husband is loving, caring and considerate. Our home is safe. Lately though my mind is just reeling. It never stops going in circles. I can't stand being home alone not because I don't want to be. I want to be home but my mind starts getting disoriented and thinking I am in the past again. I work so hard to feel better and to be better. I have therapy once a week, I take my meds every day, I use all my coping mechanisms: yoga, painting, singing, playing guitar or uke, playing video games, watching comedies, going on adventures like Kayaking or birdwatching and swimming. Swimming is the best one for me; it is like it almost resets my brain but lately it isn't as effective as it used to be... it helps for a few hours and then I just plummet again.... And now.... it is almost October. The holiday season is starting and I think my symptoms are just getting started....again.

Does anyone else feel like this?

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Art / How I am feeling on the inside...
« on: August 17, 2019, 12:15:50 PM »
https://ecowarrior8888.livejournal.com/14440.html

Not finished yet. There is more to this piece but for how it looks like now... It actually emphasizes how I feel right now.

No glasses...I feel like I can't see clearly and everything is fuzzy.
Disheveled...Tired and beat up from all the abuse, the bullying, the harassment...
The books...To distract myself, to feel better, to document.....

Trying to figure out how to cope at work right now. So triggering :(

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I am being bullied...They are claiming I am 50% of the problem within my team's dynamic. That I am affecting others' working relationship with their supervisors and affecting their work environment. When I know this is not the case. All of my coworkers are feeling the same oppression and frustrations that I am. I know because I help calm them down. But somehow I am the cause of all this when I am the one with the least amount of power (in title) within the team. What do I do? I don't want to leave my team, I love the animals I work to care for. I don't want to leave my workplace because if I do, this means I would have to leave my home and move away. My family is here. My dying "Magnolia" is here. My husband is here (he would move with me but I don't want to uproot him). My friends are here. My industry is small. Do you guys have any advice?

I have declared harassment. I have joined the Union. I am trying to lay low, but they keep going after me. This is all so triggering....
Help? :(

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Art / Coping
« on: August 16, 2019, 02:41:52 PM »
Panic Attacks with my furbaby Zelda, she helps bring me back....
And going on adventures to see burrowing owls in the wild <3

https://ecowarrior8888.livejournal.com/14332.html

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Art / It has been a while...
« on: August 08, 2019, 02:48:46 PM »
A lot has happened. Still being harrassed at work, my Magnolia is still in hospice, my husband broke his arm to the point where it required surgery, I have had panic attacks 3 days in a row.... I am surviving. I don't feel safe to write anymore... or to draw. I know I need professional help, and I have it: I have therapy once a week and I am on meds. I am trying.

Well, here are 2 rough sketches from this week:

https://ecowarrior8888.livejournal.com/12533.html

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Art / Overwhelmed...she is fading -TW
« on: July 05, 2019, 02:23:43 PM »
https://ecowarrior8888.livejournal.com/10511.html

So painful to watch my granma fade....she cant breathe. She still tries to sing to me 😭 and runs out of breath.
I am losing it... too many things happening at once:
My grandma is living her last days
Interview today at 2 pm
My best friend moved to virginia with my nephew 😭
Being harassed at my job, best task of my job is taken away which is why im interviewing for that position again...

And CPTSD symptoms are going haywire because where my granma is in hospice....was a huge part of my childhood.

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Art / Feeling so hopeless
« on: June 19, 2019, 12:00:31 AM »
I call my grandma Magnolia <3
She just went into hospice... 20%cardiac function, which causing her organs to fail and her memory to falter....she turns 98 in less than a month. Such a weird feeling to pray for my magnolia to let go... i dont want her to suffer anymore 😭😭😭

Here are the sketches I made while i took care of her the other day...

https://ecowarrior8888.livejournal.com/10460.html

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The past few weeks have been rough. Haven't been able to keep it together. Too much going on in my head. Art has come out in small bursts....I am being harassed at work and have had to stand up for myself which....is a first. It is so triggering I have had a panic attack almost every day after work. When I am at work I am so numb because I have to resort to how I survived in my dad's house.... showing no emotion to validate the supervisors coming after me. Sometimes I even have doubts where I am like, I am I just being paranoid? Am I making this all up in my head.... but my coworkers have admitted to seeing something off in the interactions and accusations of this supervisor that just continues to escalate things. It is insane.

All the while, my mom is now in remission which is a relief....and now my grandmother is in hospice which is just so painful to witness. She is 98 years old next month. 20% cardiac function, so now her body is just deteriorating. There are days she can breathe and her mind is more clear...and other days where I feel like it is the last day I'll hear her voice. It hurts me to see in a bed not being able to garden, clean, brush her hair or just even eat solid foods.... It is so weird to pray for someone to just let go.... I hate seeing her suffering bt at the same time... I don't want her to go but I'd rather her pass away in her sleep.....

Then, father's day..... I worked which is good and bad because either way I have those bullies that trigger me.... and my father was my abuser.  I have not been able to write in a while just because how everything is so heavy... I am shutting down as I write this.

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Employment / Harassment, why does this keep happening?
« on: June 09, 2019, 07:43:31 AM »
So I was abused by my dad to begin with. Then I had an abusive friendship. Afterwards, at my first job I was sexually harassed and now in my dream job according to my union representative...I am experiencing harassment. My confidence is shot. I was finally learning how to embrace what and who I am. I was owning up to what I have become. A survivor. And now trying to guide my interns or any friends in similar situations because that is the only thing that allows me to accept my past. But it has been getting heavy.... I know none of those instances are related...but I can't help to think, is there something that I am doing that make people react this way to me? What am III doing wrong?

I strive to be kind, compassionate and just supportive for those who need it. Even with the abusers and the people that have harassed me, I refuse to allow them to change my character and that is someone that asks if you are okay... someone that will move your shoes from the rain so that your shoes aren't soaked through next time you go to work...if you are grieving, offering to be there....

But instead I am met with write-ups, my reputation being dragged through the mud in a very small industry. I absolutely love my job, but I don't know how much more I can take of this. I just want everything to stop. When that union representative said I was experiencing harassment, the feelings that came from that were equivalent to when my therapist asked for my father's name to press charges for abusing minors and being a serial abuser....

I am so triggered on top of everything... not feeling safe in my workplace, the way this person talks to me so condescendingly, how anything I say can and will be used against me....

I am so tired :(

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Art / Tangled dark thoughts
« on: May 31, 2019, 03:09:17 AM »
https://ecowarrior8888.livejournal.com/6841.html

I am so tired...... i feel beaten down.

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Art / For a change of pace...
« on: May 28, 2019, 05:29:24 AM »
Zelda is my emotional support animal, she brings so much color to my life 😍
Grateful to be blessed with her

https://ecowarrior8888.livejournal.com/6644.html

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Art / When you cant see past the dark clouds
« on: May 28, 2019, 05:24:27 AM »
Straight up Fog. Darkness.
Im happy to say that i can see through the cloud right now, but last qeek was unbearable. Recovering finally....until next trigger. So tiring to stay afloat...

I hate getting foggy...

https://ecowarrior8888.livejournal.com/6179.html

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