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(Trigger warning, maybe, related to flashbacks, and verbal abuse, and self hate)

Hey folks,

Covid seems to have quieted down to the point that I finally now have the freedom to go about do my business without having to deal with all that restrictions. You may think I m selfish, but no, its because I am deaf and rely heavily on my ability to see the whole face to be able to understand what people are saying to me, but with the masks on, I can only see half of the face, and it cause me frustrations in my inability to understand people. anyway, recently I had a bad incident at work, and it made me realize that I am not yet recovered from the flashbacks.  I purchased a book called "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" by Pete Walker, and I just started to read it. and so far, its very eye opening, because some of the things he described is what I am experiencing to a T. It also mention that sometimes people experience Emotional Flashback and it will take a long time to finally get back to a semblance of normalcy.  After careful research on various different psychological issues, I now have determined that yes, I do have C-PTSD because even after decades of the source of my traumatic event, I still struggle with myself, my ability to handle sudden surprise stressful event, my ability to handle people getting angry at me, my ability to handle my boss giving me an ultimatum, my ability to handle my supervisor constantly asking me questions, and my constant negative thoughts and negative self talk.  But in case you all are concerned, don't be. I already have a regular counsellor who is helping me, he is great, very helpful, and he would suggest me some work where I would try to do work (supposed to help me improve) and he would listen to me when I need to express, and he would give me advice.  Sometimes I feel bad because I don't get better and "I don't need counselling anymore" because its always something that triggers me, be it my siblings, or my boss, or the weather, or whatever. I often wonder will I forever experience this C-PTSD or will I ever get this resolved and get some sense of normal life again? who knows. anyway. thanks for reading, and thanks for any advices you give. I am glad to be part of this community.

Silence.

Hi.
This is something that I was told by a counsellor and I was taken aback because I didn't think it was the main reason.  I remember myself always going out for bike rides for hours and hours, just to escape the family dysfunction. It got so bad, that when I got opportunity to go to university (it was 3,000 miles away) I took it and went. When I was in university I had a sibling who got mad at me because I simply forgot to keep in touch.  I returned back because I don't know. I felt the need to go back home. but then the dysfunction was so bad, that I decided to find a job in another town about 4 hours away. I returned back to my family, only to discover nothing have changed. so I decided to move away, then I moved further away, then further away, until I decided to move out 3 hours away. It was then i decided to start NC with my Mom after a really bad argument that was triggering to me.   My counsellor told me that it was my way of subconsciously trying to set up boundaries to separate myself from my FOO's dysfunction by moving away farther away.  Have anyone experienced the same as what I experienced?    Now I find myself feeling a little bit ashamed for letting my NC go on for so long because I see my siblings cheerfully contacting my mom, while I am still filled with dread and anxiety when I am even mulling the thought of contacting her.

Silence

Hey, 
I've read many topics and seems there are very few topics related to male sufferers of bullying or abuse. so I am going to share my story.   I was raised in a christian household, so I endured a very harsh upbringing, then I also endured bullying at school because I did not fit the normal "stereotype" of a male. I loved reading books, loved watching movies, loved solo sports. and in school those things are not normal.  I developed a serious case of survivor or emotional numbness when I reached teenager because the situation at home became more harder. To me, school was my escape, even with bullying at school. but how do you deal with verbal abuse at home, and bullying at school.  Naturally, I escaped by becoming more immersed in reading books, and using my bicycle as a form of stress relief. During my teen years, I would ride my bicycle every single day, for hours, and every single day, I would try to go as fast as I could. I had a speedometer on my bicycle, so I would cycle one day at 28 mph, or 44 kph, then the next day I would try to beat that record. I managed to reach 34 mph or 54 kph, by the time I graduated from high school. I was given an opportunity to escape my family, when an university accepted my application and it was on the other side of the country. I lived in the west, so this university was in the east coast. so I took it. went there. It was then that I realized I had no goals, no ambitions, no identity. I dropped out because I needed to focus on developing myself to decide goals and stuff.  Flash forward 20 years later, after enduring jobs and jobs, and changes of jobs, and moving farther away from my FOO, and trying to figure out what is my goals, what is my passion, I finally decide to see a counsellor because of a situation at work and I realized it was not normal for me to react that way. 

anyway...I still struggle with triggers caused by people who are around me, ie my boss, someone who work with me, social media, etc, and I still struggle with my goals and identity, however I am slowly reaching my identity and I am content that I have a safe group of friends that I can enjoy outing with, but I am still struggling with jobs and goals and ambitions. I just learned more about CPTSD and suspect I do have it because I keep getting triggered by things that normal people wouldn't get triggered, I am always keeping things on the "straight and narrow" so that things don't go chaotic on me, I tend to be vigilant to the point that it is considered not normal for example, refusing to sit at a table with people behind me.

Anyway, sorry for the long story, but its my story.  I hope this story will help people know they are not alone because I do know male tend to be alone and suffer in silence for years and years, and we need to break that stigma that male never suffer, male are supposed to be strong and tough, but male do have inner emotional turmoil that sometimes overspill in bad ways, and I hope this will be a safe place for people to talk about it and feel supported.

Silence.

Hi,

I know its been a long time. I have been doing research on C-PTSD, various vlogs on that topic, disassociation, disregulation, etc etc.  It is a way for me to better understand it, and understand what I am going through.  But I do have questions that the vlogs and websites seems not to answer.  How do C-PTSD react in terms of school/examinations? What kind of emotional control do C-PTSD have? Can a person with C-PTSD completely supress their emotion to the point of being cold and logical like a Vulcan?
I do remember being addicted to bicycling as a way for me to vent my emotions, but I am wondering has it affected my C-PTSD or not.

Those are the questions that I would like to have answered if possible, if not. thats fine.

Hope you guys can help me out here.
Suffering in silence.

Hey folks,

I just fired my therapist. I was disappointed with how she dealt with me and my frustration. so I decided not to see her anymore.  Have anyone done that, or should I just continue to see her.  Originally she is not the first one, as I went through 4 already. two was excellent, the recent two were bad.

the excellent therapists, I had to stop as the price were too high for me to afford, and the other one, she change careers and no longer is available.

also, Im curious, how long does it take to work out your psychological issues, because recently, I was informed that they will set up a period of 8 sessions, then reassess and see how that happens. does that mean they expect me to fully recover after 8 sessions?

How do I recover a lifetime of abuse, from foo, and constant self sabotaging that continue up to now, and also constant work triggers and my experiencing ptsd after finally leaving my work.  In one case, walked out of my job, couldn't work for a year, with my continually seeing a therapist, then finally I was ready to find another job. Even with that new job, i was a wreck but managed to hold myself together, and keep working.

Anyway, I hope I didn't say too much, or say something wrong.

My question, is that has anyone fired their therapist, and looked for another one. how do you determine a good therapist, and how do you afford a therapist considering most therapist tend to charge an exorbiant amount of money.

Just wondering, as I am tired of struggling.

S

I did use EMDR therapy to deal with my fear of change, and fear of attending college. and eventually It did help me overcome my fear of attending College. I did go to school, studied for 2 years, and graduated with a diploma. Im proud of my achievement. However, I am curious about people who have already used EMDR.  I do not want to know details, as I respect their privacy, but  I am curious about how people react to using EMDR.  Did it work?
Based on what I read, it is supposed to have a "adverse" reaction before becoming better. but my question is how worse do it have to be?
When i used EMDR, for me, It felt like it didn't work, as I don't remember, or don't have anything to say.

So is there a specific guideline that a person is supposed to react when using EMDR as a treatment, or it varies from person to person?

Thanks.
Sufferingsilence.

I grew up in a very strict household, over protective and strict mom, passive father. I grew up very afraid and always do everything what my mom wanted.  I also worked as a peacemaker for years to help keep the house calm.  (I am keeping it simple but if you have questions, I am happy to explain more) Eventually I graduated from high school, and seized the opportunity to go to USA for university as a way to escape the toxicity of my home. But unfortunately, it was then I realized that I do not know who I am and don't know what is my ambitions or goals.

So I spent quite a long time trying to find out what do I want to do with my life, what to do with my career plans.  Now Im approaching midlife and I am still stuck.  My questions for everyone, and I did ask my counsellor but it seems my counsellor is stumped or not willing to help me work through my struggles.  Do you find yourself feeling trapped (doing the same thing over and over, in your mind, struggling to figure out but going no where.)  And Do you find yourself feeling like give up because you spent so long in your whole life fighting (fighting to keep peace, fighting your own self, fighting co workers or boss for respect, fighting to get what you want.)  I talked with my friend and he said that I should not give up. but right now I feel fought out and just want to have peace and quiet. no more fighting, but I know I have to fight in order to get what I want (career wise, as I just graduated college with a diploma in automotive mechanics).

Plumb tuckered out.

Suffering in silence.

Hi, I am a newbie here to this OOTS, and would like to introduce myself. I grew up in a dysfunctional family (don't we all) and experienced quite a lot of suffering (verbal abuse, physical abuse, overprotective parent, etc.). Because of that circumstance, I continue to struggle with my mental health issues all the way to my present day.  I look forward being a part of this community which could help me understand what I struggle with.  If you have questions, you can ask me as I am new here and am not sure of what Im allowed to post, or not.  One of my struggles is my shyness so I am working on that.

SS