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Topics - Bach

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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Drowning In Holiday Stress Feelings
« on: December 24, 2020, 07:23:36 PM »
I'm functioning well today, getting the things I need to do done, but I'm afraid I'm going to dissolve into a blob of holiday rejection stress flashback goo.  It's so thick and stifling that I can't even write about it.  I feel like I'm trapped in a narrow space into which water is rising and outside of which fire is raging.

Letters of Recovery / Letter To A Bad Friend (Not To Send)
« on: December 06, 2020, 09:05:16 PM »
Dear S,

I'm really angry at you for projecting your crazy onto me and not telling me about it for six months, then writing me a letter accusing me of being negative and demanding and of not appreciating my life.  What?  Like, I didn't even know that you were upset with me, that's how far out of left field it came.  My memory of our conversation six months ago is not so different from yours, in that I can remember saying the things that you attributed to me, but wow, have you ever heard of CONTEXT?  Where do you get off nitpicking my word choice and then laying on the martyr stuff about how you want to be my friend and encourage me but "it takes so much energy to encourage [me] because these negative feelings overwhelm all positive aspects of [my] life"?  Go ahead, cosmic void, call the kettle black.  And, well, of course, run off to C to be validated in your blaming me for everything and not examining your own words, thoughts, and actions.  And, of course, rub that in my face, you with your whole "I'm spending my time with positive influences" shtick!  Fine.  Go spend your time with positive influences who encourage you to blame others for your depression.  Go be the martyr you want to be.  I don't have time to be your scapegoat.

The thing that makes me saddest is that we did this once before, years ago, and I thought that both of us had learned from it, and that we had rebuilt a healthier friendship.  I thought we had come to a better understanding of each other.  That I could think of you as my friend who would be flawed and broken as I am, who would make mistakes as I do, who would sometimes miscommunicate as we broken people often cannot help, but who would give me the benefit of the doubt and bloody well TALK to me if I said something that bothered you.  As I do for you!  It really hurts that I was wrong.

It also really hurts that I miss you.  I wish emotions were tidy enough that I could say "I'm better off without you in my life", and that would be the end of it.  As it is, I don't know what to do with this feeling of rejection and injustice.  I sort of hate you right now, and want to yell at you and make you cry.  But I know that wouldn't fix this, because though it might soothe you to push my buttons, it sure doesn't soothe me to push yours.  You have hurt me so many times.  I have given you the benefit of the doubt over and over and over.  I've been a good friend to you, and while I know I'm not always the easier person in the world to deal with, it's not like you're a lovely sunny ultra-functional picnic yourself.  And yet, you address me as if I'm dangerous and toxic, nothing but a drain on you that you have suffered for mysterious unknowable reasons of your own.  As if I am not your equal.  As if my purpose is to prove to you that there is someone else who is even more dysfunctional than you. 

The worst part is that if you come back I probably will shrug all this off, resume our friendship, and forget again that I cannot trust you with anything real of mine.  I wish I could find a way to stop hurting about this.  You do not deserve to take up this much space in my mind.

I am very uncomfortable with anger. I know that I have a lot of things to be legitimately angry about and I need to let myself feel my anger and all that crap my therapist keeps going on about, but I find being angry to be exhausting and awful and I don't know how to express it appropriately or process it constructively or blah blah blah whatever I'm supposed to do or not do about it. I suppose I'm afraid that if I get too angry I will burn things down, figuratively, but possibly accidentally literally. I think there may have been an accidental fire incident with my mother in the kitchen when I was 4 or so.

But anyway. People talk about anger as a potentially positive motivating force, but to me it has never felt anything but destructive and scary. I  don't want to engage with it. My therapist seems to think it's very important to engage with it but she doesn't seem to know quite how to help me do it. That's very frustrating. I suppose that makes me angry. Oh, snap!

I'm not hostile to advice or guidance but  I'm not specifically looking for that, either. I would like very much if possible to hear about the thoughts, feelings and experiences of others regarding anger. If anyone has anything to say about this subject that I imagine presents challenges for all of us who suffer from trauma, please share.

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Burned Out From Healing?!?
« on: September 02, 2020, 04:37:40 PM »
I've been working so hard for so long, and for a while I felt like I was making progress but lately I've been feeling worse and worse every day.  I've been seeing a functional neurologist for a while, who says the treatment can reprogram my autonomic nervous system to no longer be stuck in fight-or-flight mode. This if course would be wonderful, but at the moment it feels like the whole thing is just scrambled up, less reactive to some things, more reactive to others, but no better overall.  I started tapping in July, and at first that seemed to be very helpful, but lately it doesn't seem to do very much.  Talk therapy over the phone is torture.  Drugs don't help.  Nothing helps.  I feel like it's too late both in terms of my age and in terms of the current state of the world for me to ever have any kind of satisfying and productive life.  I keep wishing I could just die already. 

« on: July 12, 2020, 03:44:44 AM »
 :wave: Hi, do anyone's kid parts want to hang out in here with me? I want to make up a good place for us where we can have fun stuff and a place to talk.

Happy flowers for a good place!

1. Even if we do something "wrong" like forgetting the grocery list or missing the turn on the way to the airport, the person I am with is probably upset about the situation because it is inconvenient or stressful rather than angry at US because we made a forgivable human mistake.

General Discussion / Still More Unresolved Trauma - Feeling Hopeless
« on: March 26, 2020, 01:15:15 AM »
This morning I had to go to a gynaecologist for symptoms I've been having that I was hoping would go away but instead have gotten worse.  It was unsettling to be out with the current situation, and doubly so to be going to a doctor's office in building full of doctor's offices.  That probably primed me emotionally for what happened when I was there.  I had to wait for a very long time for the doctor to come in and during that time for reasons that I might write about in my personal journal if I can stand to, I started to go into an emotional flashback of traumatic experiences I had with gynaecology as a young teenager.  I did all the coping things to fight it off, but as the time passed it was harder and harder to stay calm.  When the doctor finally came in to do the exam and I was brought fully back into the present by telling her about my current condition, I thought I would be okay, but then halfway through the exam I lost it and burst into howling, hyperventilating tears.  I have always struggled with pelvic examinations without really knowing why, and today it came back in full force.  On the one hand, I know it's a positive thing that I understood what was happening to me emotionally, and that I was able to cope well enough to finish the exam and then get myself home safely.  On the other, it feels absolutely horrible to have been smacked in the face not only with the distress but also with the reminder that I still have vast areas of trauma that I have barely even thought about, much less dealt with.  I have been completely useless today and I feel nothing but dread of tomorrow.  I have therapy tomorrow and I can't even stand the thought of that.  I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep. 
:fallingbricks:  :stars: :stars: :stars:

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / It's too much!
« on: February 04, 2020, 05:11:43 PM »
I feel wrong and bad and guilty and sad and overwhelmed.  Being this messed-up needy person who can't even go out with a friend and have a good time without suffering a backlash of anxiety, loneliness and abandonment after the good time is over is too much.  I work and work and work to heal and cope and grow and stay on a even keel, and the work just keeps getting harder but the pain doesn't ever stop, and it's all too much.  Even when I'm in the middle of having the good time and feeling happy and content and appreciating it, there's still a little voice reminding me that it's going to be over soon and then what?  Telling me my friend doesn't need me as much as I need them, that they don't really care, that once I go home I will want more contact, I will reassurance and want to court attention, and I'll have to restrain myself so as not to be a pest, and it's too much, TOO MUCH.  Right now I feel like life is unescapable torture, and that I just should stop expecting it to ever be "better". 

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Anxiety Doom Spiral
« on: January 09, 2020, 05:40:22 PM »
For the last few days I've been fighting off some kind of respiratory bug but I've was trying to push through it in the name of getting my life back into some kind of normal rhythm since returning from three weeks overseas on the 30th.  Well, that maybe wasn't so smart, because today I am too ill to do anything but lie on the couch.  I've been feeling a lot of emotional distress about this illness, because although I am certainly accustomed to feeling unwell in a variety of ways that I experience regularly, I am seldom ill with any kind of cold or flu-like symptoms, and I have some related traumas. 

Understanding that my level of anxiety is being strongly influenced by my physical condition and by past traumas, I was doing a reasonable job of controlling it until I saw a few comments on Facebook about current events that made my anxiety spike.  So I hastily logged off Facebook and turned on the TV.  I was cuddling with the heavy buddies and watching a game show when the station broke in with a news alert.  It always makes me anxious when programmes are interrupted for a news alert but today it has sent me into a total doom spiral.  My head is a tangle of fears and "what-ifs" concerning both my personal condition and the state of the world, battling with parts of me that recognise that the anxiety is way out of proportion to anything that is objectively happening.  The battle between the rational and the emotional is provoking even more anxiety. 

I really REALLY don't want to take klonopin because I was relying way too much on my PRN meds while I was away and I want to give my body a break from them to help preserve their effectiveness.  I'm trying really hard to manage this outsize reaction with other methods, but I might have to give in and take some because I really can't with this life right now.

Family of Origin (FOO) / Ambivalence About Eventual Death Of Abuser
« on: January 03, 2020, 02:39:43 PM »
My mother's death is not necessarily imminent.  She's 81 and though she has physical manifestations of her own trauma, she doesn't have any serious medical issues and I could see on Thanksgiving that there's still a poisonous robustness to her.  She could live for years yet.

Sometimes when I think about my mother, a part of me wishes that she would just die already.  That's not even a spiteful wish on my part, just a desire to get something inevitable over with.  I don't feel guilty that part of me feels that way, and I have absolutely no fear that I will regret not trying to reconcile with her before her death.  As far as I'm concerned, I put that all that to rest when I went through my strange bout last year of wanting to have a relationship with her and then figuring out what a terrible idea that was.  So I'm not even sure what the ambivalence is.  I just know that I'm having increasingly frequent urges towards hoping for her death that I can't quite square with my fundamental humanity. 

Holidays & Other Important Days / Thanksgiving Is An Oncoming Train
« on: November 20, 2019, 06:02:54 PM »
Trigger warning?  I don't know.  It triggers me.  Mother stuff.

I am very close to my brother, and for many years, he and I would host a Thanksgiving dinner for friends who didn't have other places to go.  We continued doing Thanksgiving dinners at his house after he started a family, and it was traditionally my favourite holiday.  However, a few years ago, my NM and her husband started coming to my brother's Thanksgiving dinner after they decided they were no longer up to making a trip out of state to spend Thanksgiving with one of his children.  As a result, Thanksgiving is now the one day a year that I see my mother.  It's a nuisance that has to be borne and there's never any drama, but even so, it messes me up.

I had some good days last week when even though I was feeling extremely down both physically and mentally, I was still able to more-or-less function, to do all the things I most needed to do, lay low and keep myself out of trouble the rest of the time, and bear it all with good grace.  But this week, I've been an absolute disaster, unable to concentrate, having difficulty sleeping, lacking the motivation to do even the smallest things, and filled at all times with frantic formless anxiety that makes it incredibly difficult to sit still, but just as difficult to attempt anything productive.  This morning I identified it as anxiety over seeing my mother next week, along with many other scary feelings, including an amount of anger I'm afraid to even recognise, much less admit to, and even a wish for her to die, not because of anything I feel or don't feel about her life or because I think that her being dead will give me any satisfaction or benefit in any way my struggle to manage my life's issues, but just because she has to die some time, and her dying will be ANOTHER @#$%^& THING that I'm going to have to deal with that is going to suck and bring up a million horrible thoughts and memories and difficult emotions (included will be excoriating grief over the mother she never was and the chance at a healthy life I never even had and the fact that she wanted me to die MY MOTHER WANTED ME TO DIE) and I want to get that &^% over with already.

help me I feel so bad I don't know how I'm going to stand it and just like when I was a child NO ONE WILL COME AND SAVE ME NO ONE WILL EVER COME AND SAVE ME

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Can't Cope Must Cope
« on: October 07, 2019, 01:38:13 PM »
Today has barely even begun and it is already exceptionally difficult.  I often feel low first thing in the morning, but usually I can ignore it and even sometimes shake it off by getting up and taking action.  I have done that this morning but the distress persists and is intensifying.  It's warm and muggy day today, with no sun until next week predicted.  Predictions might be wrong, of course, but my internal weather right now is just as oppressive and sticky and grey as it is outside.  I have important things to do today and all I can feel is "I can't.  I can't.  I can't.  I don't want to be here.  I don't want to do this."  I really want to just lie on the couch, take some drugs and binge-watch something that will make me cry. 

I've been sick from this thyroid issue for over a month now.  It's maybe getting better?  A little bit?  But not much, and enduring the symptoms is starting to break my brain.  There's nothing to do but wait.  If this is how my girl with Crohn's feels every day, no wonder she talks about euthanasia.

Symptoms - Other / Hoarding?
« on: September 25, 2019, 06:45:27 PM »
I don't know if this has anything to do with C-PTSD or not, but I've been hoarding like crazy lately.  Mostly food and cannabis, but I've also been buying lots of things lately.  On Monday after my therapy session, I took a farcical trip to Target and careened around in there for a while because there's a mini-waffle maker that I've been thinking about buying for a while, and for some reason I thought I HAD to have some mini-waffles right away, and of course, to make mini-waffles you need a mini-waffle maker!  Except that by the time I managed to struggle out of there and go home I was so tired and confused and disorientated that I put the mini-waffle maker my room (along with the pretty shirts and the underarm deodorant that I also bought even though I've got plenty of both), and I haven't even looked at it since, much less used it.  I've also been shopping online and ordering things I see ads for on social media that look like a good idea, regardless of whether I actually need them or not.  Mostly not completely crazy or useless things, but things I don't need and shouldn't be spending money on.  Packages keeping showing up and I don't remember ordering them until I open them.  I haven't gotten anything yet that I totally don't remember ordering, but I'm kind of afraid that might be next.  It's really distressing!  Does anyone have any thoughts or insights about this?

Addiction/Self-Medicating / Overmedicating To Retraumatise
« on: August 07, 2019, 07:36:20 PM »
I've been doing really well not binge eating and not chasing interpersonal drama for my retraumatising compulsions, but I need to stop pretending that I haven't been smoking too much cannabis.  For many years, cannabis was a big Substitute Problem for me.  A big source of toxic shame, and also a driver of another Substitute Problem, my eating disorder.  Using cannabis was something that I did furtively and compulsively for many, many years, like the 13-year-old I was when I started with it.  It never had any particularly reliable helpful effect on me, just a variety of things with which it helped amazingly well at times and worse than not at all at others, carried the drawbacks of fire, smoke and appetite stimulation, and was also always a problem for a million reasons having to do with it being socially frowned upon by so many people and, oh, yeah, ILLEGAL.  But every pharmaceutical I ever tried had terrible side effects and little to no benefit, and marijuana was a comfortable old thing for a long, long time for me to believe I'd be a better person without.  Then medical marijuana became available in my state, and despite my reluctance to "give in to being an addict" and stop "trying to quit", I got a card last year.  At first, it worked really well for me.  Being able to choose specific strains to address specific needs instead of the "pay your money and take your chances" model I operated under for my entire adult life was just amazing, as was not having to get into weird situations and fork over cash for whatever the friend of the friend of the friend had and then use it by throwing it at everything and seeing what stuck.
 I was able to use cannabis constructively for several months.  Lately, though, I have reverted.  It's been at least a week now since I started noticing I was becoming undisciplined with my use of marijuana, telling myself I was still okay "because it's not like it used to be" and intending to "smoke less tomorrow."  Today I realised that I am smoking whenever I feel like it without really thinking about it, accelerating, and not only that, I have been smoking the wrong kinds in the wrong amounts at the wrong times, and it has been slamming my body with triggers.  Leave it to me to take something good like medical marijuana and turn it into another tool for my own destruction.

Okay, now that I've admitted it in public, can I please just stop?

Recovery Journals / Action/Achievement Journal
« on: July 25, 2019, 08:14:17 PM »
Borrowing this idea from Blueberry, I want to use this journal as a place to plan and recognise myself for my practical daily-life efforts, separate from the place where I need to thrash out all my mental turmoil.

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