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  I feel like that I am not getting very far in therapy. Now, that being said I will obviously explain.  I have been dealing with being flooded by flashbacks for the last several months.  I get them at any time of day, in any location and no matter what I do I cannot seem to slow them down or make them stop.  My therapist says that this is normal and that it is part of the process.  I understand that, but it doesn't make it any easier for me to sort stuff out.  I am not slamming my therapist at all, I love her and she understands me so much.  She understands me better than anyone else does.  I guess what is bothering me is that I feel like I am stuck in one spot in therapy, and honestly I am sure I am getting somewhere it is just so much and so difficult.  I know that I am getting somewhere, it is just going so slow.  It is 14 years of abuse that I am trying to come to terms with and work through.  That is a lot to work through.  Anyways, I am just rambling, not real point to this post. Guess I just wanted to be heard

I keep trying to get out of this funk, to feel better.  No matter how hard I try though I feel like I am fighting a battle that I cannot seem to win.  Tomorrow will be two weeks since I started to feel this bad.  I cannot seem to get my head on right or even begin to slow things down long enough to try to make any progress. Things in my head are going 100 mph in 90 different directions.  Each time I think that I am getting anywhere something comes along and knocks me on my butt again.  I cannot get the thoughts to slow down long enough to try to focus on one thing to try to figure it out.

I feel like I have no one who understands, that I can sit face to face with and talk to and feel the emotion, the care.  But then I remember that I don't know anyone in person that has been through anything remotely close to what I have been. And even still, not like I go around telling people about my past.  I just don't know what to do, but I feel like things just keep getting worse and that my mind keeps slipping into darker places.

Anyways, thanks for reading my crap

So as some of you may have seen in other locations on this forum, I have REALLY been struggling lately.  I thought that I had one friend that I could rely on, but now that some things have happened I am not sure where to go or what to do about it.  It all seemed to start to crumble last Tuesday, and I was hanging out with my friend.  After my therapy session my head was in a really bad spot and I couldn't get out of it.  It has been as if I am just trapped inside my mind and I can't get myself to go elsewhere. Well I got super depressed that night and my friend thought that I was suicidal, and let me tell you straight up I WAS NOT.  She took it upon herself to stay up all night to keep an eye on me, and though I appreciated it, it was not necessary to do so.  Getting up the next morning she was still super terrified for me still. Yes my head was still in a very bad place but I was in no danger of killing myself.  She was suppose to go somewhere with me but she thought that us being in the car together for the drive was not a good idea.  So she told me to take her car and just drive myself.  I was livid that she thought I was a danger to myself and still let me get behind the wheel of a car and drive alone.  I was at that point a danger to myself (wanted to hurt, NOT die), and I thought that it was an unwise choice for her to make, because at that very moment I was not in any right mind to think if I should be driving or not. The next day she said she thought I was mad at her and I said no, not mad, hurt.  Her response was "Well, it's okay cuz you hurt me too".  I made the choice then to give the two of us space so I can work on myself.

Yesterday morning I get a call from my Therapist asking me if I was ok, because that friend called her at 1:30am and told her that I was trying to kill myself ( I WASN'T).  I am still very angry and upset and  feel betrayed\ because I feel like she crossed a line.  My husband was home with me, he knew what mental state have been in (yes still am) and he was wise enough to not leave me alone.  When she called my T I was ASLEEP!  Getting a call from my T was a huge shock and because of it I am on kind of a watch of sorts.  She keeps checking in on me and if I do not respond she is going to call my husband.

The point of this long post (sorry) is to get advice on what my friend did.   As I said I feel very betrayed, she took my pain and struggles and made it about her.  I am just trying to figure out if I am just in my reaction, or if I am just looking at it wrong.  I would like other points of view
Thanks For Listening (reading)

Not sure if this is where this belongs:

I have never really trusted people because of my past.  I have only had a couple of close friends, but like everyone else they are gone now.  There are very valid reasons as to why they are gone and of course it is due to my choices, well I guess. There are two that I can think of. One of them has three kids now and we were fairly close until about three years ago.  She got herself into drugs and lost custody of the two kids she had at the time (my godson and goddaughter).  I had my daughter to take care of and I did not want the drugs, the shady people around her.  I had told her several times that she needed to clean up her act, but she wouldn't.  I had to cut ties so that I could protect my daughter.  She claims to be clean now and had another kid (all three kids have different dads). The second person I have not spoken to in almost 7 years.  She was very self absorbed and had to be the center of attention all the time.  The reason I cut her off is because on my 21st birthday she held me down while her boyfriend raped me. The pain is still so strong when I think about it. 

Well, now I have one friend that also has a PD and she is not always the easiest to be around.  She has suicidal tendencies and I have tried to be there for her.  Well, after all the times I came running when she needed me the tables turned.  I really needed her yesterday, and she said she is not what I need.  I feel like she shut a door on my face and walked away.  I am not sure what the * happened and why she just left all the sudden.  All I wanted was to know that I have a friend, and I feel like that was taken out from under me.  I feel like I am a conditional friend, she is only there if she needs my help, and then she is done with me. 

Now, I understand that my current state of mind could distort what I am seeing and what I believe, but I am not sure what to do about it or how to respond to it.  I honestly am kind of mad at her but I am not sure if my anger is valid.  I am not sure if I am justified to feel the way that I do or if I am just like usual screwing things up.  I am not sure what to say to her, or how to even bring up the fact that I feel like she abandoned me in my time of need, when I have been there every time she said she needed me.  Is it wrong for me to feel this way?  Should I say something to her or just let it go?

I am having a really really rough time today.  I feel like all I want to do is shut everyone out and not let anyone close to me.  All my life I have felt like everyone that I get close to is just gonna up and leave me one day.  I open up to very few people and when I do it is only a small portion of what is going on in my life and in my head.  I try not to even burden other people with what I am going through. This fear of abandonment has been proven to be right.  The few people that I have opened up to have indeed ended up abandoning me in the long run.  I feel like I can trust no one.

Well today, I feel like I am doing everything wrong and that all I do it hurt the people I get close to.  I seem to always do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing.  No matter how hard I try to please people it is never good enough.  I wonder at times why do I even bother letting anyone in anymore, seeing that no one sticks around.  I have always been one to give people the benefit of the doubt, and it usually ends up bitting me in the * in the long run.Even when I think that "this time will be different".  It is never different, and it it never will be.  All people want to do is hurt me, take advantage of me.  Again, this is something that I know is not logically the truth but try tell that to my head and my heart.  What if all I am meant to do is be a fly on a wall that knows everyone elses  businesss but I am not allowed to share mine without warning.   

When I was around 13 I had my first ever Panic attack.  I was at a skating rink with my local church youth group ( haven't attended that church in YEARS), and while I was skating for some reason I started thinking about my past and I freaked out.  I couldn't catch my breath and I felt like my heart was going to burst out of my chest at any moment.  I got so dizzy and so pale that they ended up calling an ambulance on me.  On the way to the hospital they had an oxygen mask on me, and kept telling me that I had to calm down.  Well, I was in a vehicle with two men that I didn't know so that didn't help.  Logically I understood that they were not going to hurt me, and that they were there to help, but my head wouldn't slow down or calm down.  The panic attack got worse and worse until I thought I was going to pass out.  Finally arriving at the hospital they gave me a shot in my arm and I fell asleep.  When I woke up my dad was there and boy was he pissed. He said that I was making it all up and just trying to get attention.  After several hours, and tons of tests to make sure nothing else was going on they released me.  The whole was home he yelled at me, belittled me.

Due to the severe sexual abuse that I endured for 14+ years I have these panic attacks all the time.  Thinking about my past sets them off, or seeing someone that looks like one of my abusers, or hearing someone talk that sounds like one of them. I feel so stupid that this happens and I feel like I should be able to control it, but I can't.  I can't even drive by places that remind me of them, because I freak out.  When I am in the middle of a panic attack nothing else exists.  I feel like I am back to being younger and I am going through the abuse all over again.  I am on medication to help ease them when they happen (actually 2 things, one stronger than the other in case the more mild one doesn't work).Sometimes even after I take both meds I still have troubles calming down and have to resort to taking my night meds in the middle of the day just to knock myself out.  There are times where literally nothing else works other than making myself go to sleep.

What is wrong with me?

I am new here and looking for the support I just have never really found outside my therapist and husband.  I am 29 and a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.  I was abused 4-7 days a week for the first 14 years of my life.  I suffer from C-PTSD, Anxiety Disorder, OSDD, and Self Harm.  I am really here just trying to find support and a place to put my emotions, hopefully without criticism. I feel very lost in life and like I don't really fit in anywhere.  I am married and we have a 6 year old daughter who is one of the reasons I keep going.  When the abuse slowed down when I was 14 I thought things were going to get better, but I was wrong.  I was raped 3 times in 5 years between the ages of 16 and 21, all by different guys.  I have often asked myself what I did wrong.  What was I doing so horribly wrong that this has happened to me.  I try so hard on a daily basis to function and be a good mom, but it is not at all easy.  I have not found anywhere I have felt comfortable or that I belong when it comes to support.  I get tired of being told that I am only reaching out so I get attention.  I didn't ask for this to happen to me, I just want to feel like I belong somewhere. Anyways, Hi.