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Topics - Vrizzy

#1
Music / Inkwells (Song by Vrizzy)
September 04, 2015, 04:39:28 AM
This is a song I wrote today. Should I get some music to go with it (I can't write music lol) I will sing it. I may just end up doing it acapella, however. Whatever I end up doing, I will share it with you guys!

(POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNINGS)

It's about PTSD & C-PTSD as well as bullying. I used the analogy of a piece of paper with ink on it to symbolize trauma and stuff.

So here are the lyrics:

Inkwells

It was torn from a book,
Locked away in a darkened room,
Covered up, so don't you look.
You sealed your own doom.

Along came some inkwells with stone cold hearts,
Ready and willing to tear it all apart!
When the scholar's backs were turned,
They took some ink and watched it squirm.

Covering every inch in sight,
Punishing it for putting up a fight!

(Chorus) How do you clean the ink off the page?
How can you just up and walk away?
Why do you just watch it cry?
Why did you believe that lie?

"It's in your head!" "You must move on!"
"What happened's now over and gone!"

"It worked for me so it should for you!"
"You're holding onto nothing!"
You know I'll hear what you say...
but it can't clean the ink off the page! (Chorus end)

Time crawls by then flies on past.
Ink's clouded what was there before.
Just when you feel you're safe at last...
Someone comes along and adds some more!

How do you clean the ink off the page?
How can you just up and walk away?
Why do you watch it cry?
Why did you believe that lie?

"It's in your head!" "You must move on!"
"What happened's now over and gone!"

"It worked for me so it should for you!"
"You're holding onto nothing!"
You know I'll hear what you say...
but it can't clean the ink off the page!

They say the past is already done,
And the future's the view of everyone,
If it's stuck with you, it's your doing.
Everyone's able to keep on moving!

But if I've learned something over the years,
It's not that I can just leave the past.
Through all the blood, sweat, and tears...
It's become so very clear...
Now I see....
It's the past that can't move on without me!

How do you clean the ink off the page?
How can you just up and walk away?
Why do you just watch it cry?
Why did you believe that lie?

(Ohhhhh....)

Moving on is up to you,
It all comes down to what you do. (3X)

Water can cleanse some ink away,
But only if you let them in!
The battles are day to day,
We just gotta try and win!

"It's in your head!" "You must move on!"
"What happened's now done and gone!"

"It worked for me so it should for you!"
"You're holding onto nothing!"

How do you clean the ink off the page?
How can you just up and walk away?
Why do you just watch it cry?
Why did you believe that lie?

"It's in your head!" "You must move on!"
"What happened's done and gone!"

"It worked for me so it should for you!"
"You're holding onto nothing!"
You know I'll hear what you say....

But it still can't wipe the ink off the page.

-----------------------------------------------------
I once read that PTSD (and C-PTSD) is not when someone can't let go of the past. It's when the past can't let go of them. So I incorporated that into my lyrics. I hope you all enjoyed it!
#2
I am using pretend names for people based off of animals or fictional characters:

Tav- short for Tavros (a fictional character); my boyfriend<3

Belle - beauty and the beast; my best friend

Raven - Belle's personfriend

Pikachu - my baby brother

Phoenix - a friend of mine

"Y" - an ex-best friend whom was manipulative

Dearest darling,

I cannot put into words how much you have affected my life, my soul, my mind, and my heart. You, who have seen me at some of my weakest moments and some of my most triumphant experiences, have never faltered nor shown me the slightest bit of uncaring. I know it's been hard for you, especially because you worry about me so much. I hated making you feel like you had to constantly fret over me and deal with my problems. I know that people who love each other are supposed to be there for each other no matter what, but for some reason it shocks me when people actually are like that.

I've told you things that I have been scared to tell other people, only for you to accept me and embrace who I am like it was the easiest thing in the world. You've never told me that what happened to me wasn't real or was "all in my head". I'm grateful for that. I know my "trauma" isn't very extensive or severe or even what most people would be traumatized by. And you probably know this yet you didn't really bring this up.

You are the most amazing person I have ever met, my rock, my life, my soulmate. I look at you and the world melts away; nobody else matters or even exists when I gaze in your eyes, and you into mine. You don't always see how wonderful you are, something we seem to have in common, but I want you to know how perfect you are to me. You once told me I was perfect to you, before "Y" brought me two years of manipulation. You've called me a goddess, and constantly complemented me. You've stayed there even when I have doubted your love for me, and how long we would last.

Three years of love that I would not change. Next year we will have been together four years and after that, five. I want to marry you someday, settle down, follow our dreams, and raise children. I know we are relatively young and this is in the future but I am excited about what's to come. You, who've known me my whole life and who was my childhood crush, know that is has been a bit difficult for me to think about the future. Because of you, because of my loved ones as well, I can look forward with a rush of anticipation and joy.

Words cannot express my love for you, and how much you mean to me. You just somehow know when I am upset or feeling sick, even when I try to hide it. I know I'm not the best at hiding these things but even over texting you can tell my moods. I remember when Pheonix was moving away and we attended his farewell party together. The emotions suddenly hit me at one point, close to the end, and I started to cry because I knew I would miss him. Instinctively, you noticed and held me close as I cried. You didn't say a word, but just kept me close to you, allowing me to bury my face in your shirt. You just knew what to do. Writing this right now, my heart swells with love and gratitude.

Oh, my love, I don't know where I'd be without you! You are truly the most amazing person who has ever, is currently, or will ever exist.

But, I might be just a bit biased. ;)

With all of the love a human is capable of giving,

Vrizzy
#3
Music / Song inspirational songs
August 30, 2015, 10:10:16 PM
Here are some songs I've found that I find inspirational and I hope can inspire you too! (If there is a possibility of a trigger there will be a * by the song. I don't know every person's individual triggers so that's why I am trying to be careful. Usually the trigger warning is about some swearing or someone speaking about abandonment or stuff like that.)


  • To The Sky by: Owl City
  • You'll Be In My Heart by: Phil Collins
  • I'm A Survivor by: Reba McEntire*
  • Try by: P!nk*
  • She's A Wildflower by: Lauren Aliana
  • Go The Distance from: Disney's Hercules
  • Dig A Little Deeper from: Disney's The Princess And The Frog
  • We Are One from: Disney's The Lion King 2
  • Almost There from: Disney's The Princess and The Frog
  • People Like Us by: Kelly Clarkson*
  • Begin Again by: Taylor Swift*
  • Unwritten by: Natasha Bedingfield
  • Born This Way by: Lady Gaga*
  • Breakaway by: Kelly Clarkson
  • Fixer Upper from: Disney's Frozen
  • Let It Go from: Disney's Frozen
  • Stand by: Rascal Flatts*
  • Mean by: Taylor Swift*
  • Roar by: Katy Perry*

Links to the lyrics (songs are in the order they appear in):

https://play.google.com/music/preview/T3b762kidmen2cvl3pn4zbfpyhe?lyrics=1&utm_source=google&utm_medium=search&utm_campaign=lyrics&pcampaignid=kp-lyrics
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/philcollins/youllbeinmyheart.html
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/rebamcentire/imasurvivor.html
https://play.google.com/music/preview/Tkx4chmpcuioztj2x6xrhq7wn2q?lyrics=1&utm_source=google&utm_medium=search&utm_campaign=lyrics&pcampaignid=kp-lyrics
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/laurenalaina/shesawildflower.html
http://www.disneyclips.com/lyrics/lyrics57.html
http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/princessandthefrog/digalittledeeper.htm
http://www.lionking.org/lyrics/RTPR/WeAreOne.html
http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/princessandthefrog/almostthere.htm
https://play.google.com/music/preview/Tapsfqu44tgjd226k2btsf7fkei?lyrics=1&utm_source=google&utm_medium=search&utm_campaign=lyrics&pcampaignid=kp-lyrics
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/taylorswift/beginagain.html
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/natashabedingfield/unwritten.html
https://play.google.com/music/preview/Tonfuasdc26mll622cw2qxxirj4?lyrics=1&utm_source=google&utm_medium=search&utm_campaign=lyrics&pcampaignid=kp-lyrics
https://play.google.com/music/preview/Todltcd2ceriwszjnrrlft2swkm?lyrics=1&utm_source=google&utm_medium=search&utm_campaign=lyrics&pcampaignid=kp-lyrics
http://www.metrolyrics.com/fixer-upper-lyrics-soundtrack.html
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/idinamenzel/letitgo.html
https://play.google.com/music/preview/Tnkzivf574yhgebnuy6icym4key?lyrics=1&utm_source=google&utm_medium=search&utm_campaign=lyrics&pcampaignid=kp-lyrics
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/taylorswift/mean.html
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/katyperry/roar.html
#4
Art / Pictures of Lucky
August 30, 2015, 09:14:23 PM
More pictures of the little fuzzball<3

Being this cute is hard work!

Just lounging around.

What's that over there?

Just a few more minutes, mom. (I jokingly say I'm Lucky's "Mom" even though he's not my cat lol)

Himmel standing guard while Lucky wrestles with that evil shoe!

Ma, closeups are too blurry!

No photos, I'm too tired!
#5
(TRIGGER WARNINGS MAY APPLY)

Around July of this year my grandparents went on a trip. Everything was normal, we looked after their parrot Tuco, dogs Himmel and Peppermint, and their koi pond for them. On their way home, they saw something in the middle of the road: a little white bundle of fur barely bigger than a man's hand. A car drove over top of the bundle, and they worried the small creature had gotten hit. But the air of the car passing overhead blew the creature's fur back and he stirred. It was a small kitten, barely a few weeks old. Grandmother asked Grandfather to stop the car, and they stopped. Grandma picked up the small bundle of fur and brought him home. Grandpa and Grandma decided to call him Lucky and raise him as their own. They've raised baby animals before, so they knew a bit of what they were getting into. They had to help him with the ear mites and fleas he had acquired, but those could be cured relatively easily. They stopped to get his flea problem taken care of and set up an appointment with their vet to see about his overall health.

Lucky wasn't weaned when they brought him home. It was anyone's guess who the other animals of the house would react to the new arrival. Peppermint, whom is only about a year old and had been the baby of the house, sulked a bit and didn't seem to like Lucky much. Himmel, however, is an elderly gentledog and adopted Lucky as his "puppy". Tuco, the resident smart-mouth, didn't seem to mind Lucky, although he does eye him wearily sometimes. With time, Lucky has grown into a confident, happy kitten who has since been weaned from milk and now eats solid food. He acts like a normal kitten, and is full of mischief! He loves playing with Peppermint (whom has taken a liking to him) and will sometimes fight with her. Himmel tolerates his hyperactive kitten behaviors and Tuco just watches with interest and slight apprehension.

Lucky is a miracle kitty. He has gone through some things in his short life, and the abandonment he experienced is beyond belief for anyone who has a heart to comprehend. Why someone would leave a helpless kitten in the middle of the road is beyond me. I'm just glad Lucky met my grandparents. He's going to have a great life and grow into a handsome cat. (I think he is a mix between an American Shorthair and an Oriental Shorthair just by looking at his features. His face is a bit narrow like an Oriental Shorthair but a bit rounded like an American Shorthair. He also has a bit of a slender build in comparison to the more hardy build of the typical purebred American Shorthair).

Lucky when he was brought home.

Lucky a few weeks later

Lucky now
#6
Checking Out / been a bit busy
August 27, 2015, 10:52:42 PM
I just wanted to let you know that since the college semester has started I have been a bit busy and I have also been dealing with some stuff recently. I'll be in and out most likely.

So yeah sorry about that. ^^"
#7
Hi guys sorry to ask kinda the same question again...I think?

Something has been bothering me a lot lately and I just want to get it off my chest.

Like I said, I've never been outright bullied and I've never been abused or neglected by my family.

My family's not perfect but I know they love me. My parents have had trauma and I think one or both of them might have a mild form of PTSD. (My mother's parents divorced when she was really little. She had to witness her mother and stepfather argue a lot and even sometimes physically fight. She was also bullied and cheated on at least once. Her brother died in his 30's and she had to deal with that too. My father witnessed a break-in where my grandmother's dog was stolen. And his parents also divorced when he was young.) My baby brother has been diagnosed with PTSD because he had Mercia as a baby. So doctors and hospitals can really scare him (I think he's better now.)

They've had real trauma, just like you guys have. What happened to me was mostly covert and to the point where I don't even know what really happened. Maybe I really do remember middle school better than I thought and the problems I had back then were just me misunderstanding the other children because I have a form of High-Functioning Autism (Asperger's). Maybe my ex friend wasn't manipulative and I was the manipulative one. I know victims often doubt things but I mean this isn't trauma that threatened life or threatened injury. So is it real?

These things shouldn't bother me but they really do. (I've had that told to me and I agree with it. What happened to me is minor and I'm probably just being unintelligent.) I've had abandonment issues since infancy and having people leave me (no matter how few these have been) really does affect me. Being excluded in middle school probably was because I didn't always know how to initiate contact and would awkwardly hover nearby. I was scared to ask if I could play. I would sit alone and hope someone would notice me because I was too scared to ask for help. I also wanted to see if people cared because sometimes it seemed that they didn't. When I tried to help the other girls with their problems they told me no. I was emotionally immature during middle school and people probably felt they had to walk on eggshells around me because I was sensitive. My depression was even worse back then and they probably didn't want to be with someone who was depressed? Some of the boys would tell jokes they knew would make me mad or upset and then they'd laugh like it was funny. I don't know if they were joking with me as friends but part of me doubts it.

People used to be happy to see me when I was really little but I kept shying away from them because I was confused and shy and didn't know how to take this. Eventually they stopped trying. But only one of these people was in middle school with me. So I don't know...I just don't know. I am sorry that I am rambling but I am very confused.

I think I had an EF? I wanted to write a small fanfiction story and wanted it to have a bit of drama in it but not a lot because stories usually need some obstacle in them. I saw a writing prompt and it talked about someone dedicating a song on the radio to their s/o. Well, the song that came to mind was one my ex-boyfriend had referenced to me once. And so....yeah....I wanted to use that song but it started hurting and things went downhill from there....

Was this an EF? Sorry again about the rambling. 
#8
Well, some of us if not most of us probably struggle with self-esteem and I've heard that saying positive things about yourself can actually boost that. Trying to think about things you like about yourself will maybe help you to see what you actually do like about yourself!

The minimum is five things but you can do more than that. ^^

I'll go first:


  • My copper hair
  • My ability to write
  • That I can speak my mind
  • That I can mimic people and animals
  • That I am smart

Your turn!  :hug:
#9
The Cafe / Lucky believes in you!
August 17, 2015, 04:51:28 AM


This is Lucky the kitten! My grandparents found him in the road and took him home. They're raising him and boy with his start in life is he a lucky little cat! He is so happy now and has two doggie playmates (Himmel and Peppermint)!

Well, Lucky believes in you! He wants you to be the happiest you can be because you deserve it!

I wanted to show you guys his picture in the hopes that this little cutie will bring a smile to your face!
#10
I think this is the right place to put this? I've looked over the forum and can't find anywhere else soooooo....anyways, hello again. I've got some questions that have arisen from my life and from my research into C-PTSD. I've read the causes post and it did not mention  bullying or social neglect by peers to be a possible cause...(also I put trigger warnings in the subject because I did not know if some words I say will trigger people. Sorry about that ^^")

Can these cause C-PTSD especially on someone who already has abandonment issues? And by cumulative events do they mean events happening the same year, Evert year, or can there be years in between events?

Maybe if I tell you my story it might help my weird questions to make sense. I'm sorry ahead of time for being long-winded and for if I'm wrong. I really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings by my thinking I have C-PTSD if it turns out I don't.

I've had abandonment issues since infancy. My family treats me with love and are there for me. Many of the other children used to be excited to see me but I was so shy I had a hard time and eventually they supposedly gave up. My parents saw that I was a bit different from other children and wanted to get me help with my motor skills and stuff but nobody would listen to them. People thought they, especially my mother, were just overly concerned first time parents. (It turns out that my parents were right and I've got Asperger's, Depression, ADHD, and three different Anxiety disorders.) Anyways, in third grade everything started going downhill. I had a teacher whom was not the nicest. I had been struggling with my math assignment and my teacher ended up leaving me alone in a semi-darkened room while the rest of the class went to an assembly or some other such thing. Being alone and the dark were my two biggest fears when I was a child. I was sobbing when the librarian found me. The principal tried to make me say it never happened. Middle school was the worst because even after being diagnosed, the others (different children than before) still shunned me. The girls would surround me when I was panicking and not let me get away to breathe and recollect. Granted I did not really explain this to them but I did ask them to stop. Also, we were in middle school so I guess I understand that we were silly children and did not always understand each other. During middle school, which was a very very small school with single digit numbers of students per class, I had a friend. She stayed for a year but she ended up leaving. Then I met a new person whom became my best friend. But she had to move to another school a year or so afterward. We stayed in touch and were friends up until recently when she moved to another state and stopped talking to me because of that. After she had left during middle school, I was basically on my own save for two people I spoke with on occasion and stood up for me but were older than I. I wasn't popular and was the butt of some jokes by some of the boys in my class. The girls would leave me out of things (supposedly because I was emotionally immature) and wouldn't let me help them with any problems even though they tried to help me with mine and I wanted to return the favor. My eighth grade year was especially rough since my two friends who stood up for me had graduated and my whole class got into arguments that would last the entire day, usually ending with one or more of us in tears. This and the following reconnection with old friends are all I really remember from middle school and partially only because I've asked my family what I've told them and I have a relatively good memory. Many of the finer details have been lost to me. Almost as if I blocked everything out. Now, one of the only good things to come out of middle school was reconnecting with a friend I had from my dance class when I was younger as well as her brother. He and I eventually developed crushes on each other but with a two year age difference and his sister not wanting us to date, it didn't go anywhere. (We were too young anyways.)

In high school, I yet again reconnected with the old friend from my dance class and some other people I had know in elementary school. I also made some new friends and generally got along with people. I started maturing and becoming happier than I had in a few years. Then I met my ex boyfriend. He and I were like Hans and Anna from Frozen (sorry, spoilers! ^^") except we knew each other for a year before we started dating. We were happy (only his mother was a bit of a control freak which annoyed me). He and I already planned out our future together. I knew he was going into the navy after graduating but I didn't care because I loved him. Well, nine months in he went to visit his grandparents for a few days. When he came back it all went sour. The day he got back he was gonna take me to his Youth Group which had done for almost our whole relationship. That morning he had texted me telling me he loved me. That evening when he came to pick me up he told me that he wasn't sure he loved me anymore. He was trying to protect me and though I think it's nice he was trying to help me I still think that what he did was stupid. A while down the road I was finally able to get with my childhood crush, whom I've been dating for three years. (He's the Kristoff to my Anna) He treats me like a princess and has called me a goddess on several occasions. He even bought me two bracelets, one with a heart and the other with an infinity symbol to represent our infinite love for each other since he knows I have abandonment issues.

Thankfully my abandonment issues have gotten better due to my cutting ties with a guy I had been friends with for two years before finding out he was psychologically manipulating me. I felt I had to walk on eggshells around him and I've caught him in so many lies that I've lost count of them all. He (without saying it outright) limited who I was and basically ended up treating me terribly. He did this all so sneakily that it made me look like the bad guy. He and the other three people that were in a friend group of our's, would say I was being manipulative when I asked for help from them, even when I explained to them many times that I can't always word things correctly and sometimes get scared to ask if they'll abandon me outright because I've heard that people will leave if you ask them that too much. Then, later, I'd ask them if I was manipulative and they'd tell me no. This is only part of it but I feel as if going on would breach their privacy too much and bore you all to tears. (The privacy thing is partially why I'm a bit vague and don't mention names because even if I'm still slightly mad at some of these people I respect their right to privacy.)

From all of this I've had what seem to be-based on descriptions I've found here-to be Emotional Flashbacks. I've seen children who were shunned and socially awkward that were about middle school aged and have started disassociating and wanting to run and hide because of it. Sometimes people I love will say things that others-whom have hurt me-have said and I start panicking that they are like those people and am so scared that I sometimes have curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor and refused to move for several minutes. People aren't always around to witness these things and I don't always vocalize them but my boyfriend and best friends can kinda tell when this is happening. My boyfriend is especially good at it and can calm me down from a full blown panic attack just by holding me close. He can even detect my moods over text even when I've tried to act like nothing's wrong. My closest best friend, whom is like family to me, has witnessed some of these moments but one of them happened after I cut ties with my old friend. Basically I read something my boyfriend had sent me and remembered something that the manipulative friend had told me because of it. I thrust my phone towards them and started sobbing in the middle of us walking back to their dorm room. (Thankfully this was during summer courses so not many people were around.)

There's probably other things I've done or said but I'm slightly tired so my brain isn't working the best at the moment. Please, once again, forgive my long-windiness, possible inaccuracy, vagueness, and possibly confusing explanations. Um thanks for you time and I hope I didn't bore everyone to tears or come across as a manipulative person! ^^"
#11
Hi everyone! I'm Vrizzy and well, I've been looking into C-PTSD  because I may have it. I'm nervous posting this because I'm not sure if my situation could cause C-PTSD. I've not been abused or neglected by my family but I've been neglected by peers during elementary and middle school. (Those were probably my fault.) Anyways hi and nice to meet everyone. ^^"