Topics

Hey everyone. It has been awhile, but I am back. So thankful for this community.

Back in early December, my sister reached out to let me know that she was divorcing my narcissist BIL. She disclosed the PA and EA she experienced at his hands and, among other things, explained that he had dictated or controlled all of her communication with me over the last few years. She expressed that, with the help of a good T, she had finally managed to see that she was being abused. She knew she had to get out.

At first I was skeptical regarding her communication with me, but time has borne out that she was telling me at least some of the truth (for more on my fun history with Sis, read this). She apologized profusely and has sought to make amends. We have been able to spend some time with her and her kids while at my F's house, and those visits were great.

On the flip side, she has gotten even closer to our undiagnosed BPD mother, the one who abused me my whole childhood, including PA, EA, and SA. I have disclosed all of this to my sis. Previously she just denied that I was telling the truth, but now she admits the EA and the PA (which she also says she experienced) and admits the possibility of the SA. We had another interesting chat yesterday. Would love your thoughts:

Here is my summary of that chat:

1) She apologized for, at Christmas, delivering presents from M for my kids. She reiterated that she did not want to hurt me. She doesn't understand what I am going through, but she respects it.

*********I asked her if she reported my sexual abuse allegations to M**********

2) She said that she did tell M about them. M has racked her brain and cannot recall any such incident. 

3) She said that she wasn't disbelieving me; she just has no way of knowing for sure.

4) She floated (again) the idea that the abuser may block out committing the abuse.

5) She said that M has been to A LOT of therapy and has admitted to being molested by my Grandpa (her father--this is the first time she has admitted this, though we have long suspected it), though she is still quite hesitant to call it abuse.

********I asked if M would be willing to sit in a therapy session with me and my therapist*******

6) She said that M would be willing to do that at the drop of a hat.

7) She offered herself as a mediator between me and Mom. 

She suggested that if I couldn't be around M, then maybe DW and the kids could. 

*******I mentioned that the NC had been driven in part by her mistreatment of my girls*********

9) She said that M had done the same to her kids, but she had intervened and they had had good talks and established good boundaries.

10) She reminded me that M had been her abuser as well, especially during her teenage years. And while it had all been verbal/emotional, it was bad. On this basis, she asked me to take her word, to trust her, that M had changed.

***********I mentioned the idea of Too Toxic for me, Too Toxic for my kids*****************

11) She reiterated her intention to have a relationship with me no matter what ended up happening with M.

12) She told me M has become content with never seeing me or the girls again this side of heaven. 

After listening to several good lectures and podcasts about how psilocybin works, and acting on my T's advice, I decided I wanted to give give it a shot. Based on the protocols established in a few different phase III drug trials, and in consultation with my T and with a Registered Nurse, I designed and implemented my own therapeutic protocol (it included designing the setting, the mindset I went in with, the music I had, the medications available, etc. I also had a trip sitter). I accessed the magic mushrooms via the gray market (not legal per se, but decriminalized). The insights and spiritual experience I has was fantastic, but even better than that is the virtual elimination of all of my C-PTS symptoms. On the scale used by my psychiatrist, my depression symptoms are virtually non-existent and my anxiety symptoms are their lowest of all time. I have not had an EF since my trip, my SOT has only been activated when I almost got in a car accident, my interpersonal relationships have remarkably improved (esp. with my wife), etc. Maybe most notable of all, however, is how fast and how successfully I have done IFS work with my T since my trip. If you go over to my recovery journal, you'll see my latest dialogue between my parts. That was written after my trip. My most enduring symptom (and most debilitating one) has been my Icr, but he currently being helpful and nor harmful.

I do have fear that all of this is temporary, and maybe it is. But I am hoping that the rewiring in my brain that occurred will at least give me the time I need to move the furniture around in my head before everything locks back into place.

Without any hesitation or caveat, this has been the single most useful thing I have done for my CPTSD.

My icr has lately been doing a lot of the driving. He is feeling very protective and trying to defend me from any potential threat. Unfortunately, his ways of doing this is to flip on the anxiety around situations that have hitherto been no big deal. And each time I let him get his way, things calm down for a bit. But then he goes after something else.

Lately he has been systematically isolating me. He continuously suggests that my friends actually dislike me or my wife just married me for pity. He has also suggested that my young children will reject me just as soon as they get to know me better with older brains. He would like me to quit my job to protect myself from those relationships, but that is a non-starter. I need to work in order to pay the bills. He is ingeniously suggesting ways to isolate from people at work--just in case.

Problem is, I am too tired to argue with him. To resist. To reason with him. I have written an inner dialogue with him over on the recovery journal thread. It is like that nearly all the time. I feel like I have a little terrorist living in my brain. And when he doesn't get what he wants he can be so vindictive.

I don't know what to do. Part of the problem is that I at least half believe the doom and gloom scenarios he paints for me. My T says I should figure out what he really wants. She thinks I need to give him a new job where he can continue to protect me without being a jerk. I have no idea how to do that right now.

Moving alone to a cabin in the woods sounds nice, but I know the icr will just blast me for abandoning my responsibilities. It really is a darned if you do and a darned if you don't sort of situation with him.

Thanks for reading!

I'm not sure where to put this note. But, lately, I can get deep into an emotional flashback (I am letting it happen, not fighting it, being in my body, checking in with my IC, etc) when I have an overwhelming urge to vomit. I do so and the EF ends more or less. It isn't vomit like stomach bug vomit. Like, I am not emptying the contents of my stomach (so sorry to be this graphic), just heaving some stuff from the top. I have an appointment with my T tomorrow and my psychiatrist at the end of the month and will talk to them, but wanted to know if anyone had a similar experience.

I journal some with an actual pen and paper, but that can feel so lonely. Lately I've really gotten taken with the idea (inspired by Patrick Teahan's excellent YouTube channel) of writing out dialogues between my inner child and my inner adult. It is really important, at least for me, to identify both the child and the adult as being "inner." In the past I have thought of myself as the adult and my inner child as a previous me. But that isn't the case at all. Both are truly me in the present. Anyway, I want to use this journal to write my dialogues. I am writing this here and not in a private paper journal or in a document on my computer because having readers a) helps remind me that all of this is real and not just some figment of my imagination and b) helps me feel safer because I am around others I trust.

A couple of bits of information that will help with context:
-I am male, straight, married to a woman, and have three young kids
-My abuser was my mother who has undiagnosed BPD.
-I was physically abused, sexually abused, and very VERY emotionally abused (the SA became covert incest when I got a bit older)
-My inner child is primarily 10 years old. I will specify when he is some other age.

Final caveat: all names and identifying details have been fictionalized.

Here is my inaugural dialogue:

* * *

Inner Child (IC): Oh no! We are going to get in SO MUCH trouble.

Inner Adult (IA): Hey buddy. Woah. What's going on?

IC: We made an inappropriate comment around some colleagues and now we are going to be fired!

IA: Gotcha. Wow, that does sound scary. Can you tell me more about it?

IC: We told a story about using the bathroom when we were a kid and Sarah made a disgusted face and said "TMI."

IA: Oh man, I am so sorry that happened. How did that make you feel?

IC: That story was inappropriate and Bill is going to fire us! I am sure HR is already processing a sexual harassment claim against us.

IA: That sounds super scary! Do you mind telling me how Sarah's reaction made you feel, though? I realize you are scared Bill will fire us or HR will discipline us, but do you mind if we talk about us for a second?

IC: What's the point? Everyone knows we are disgusting and gross. I feel like I am a gross excuse for a human being, that I am the kind of thing people wrinkle their nose at. Which is why HR would be justified in taking action or Bill would be justified in firing us.

IA: You are NOT disgusting! You are a beautiful and wonderful boy with a lot to share with others. I love you exactly as you are.

IC: Yeah right. Mom always says we are gross, that no one can love us but her.

IA: I understand that Mom told us that kind of thing, but I think Mom was wrong about that. Can I remind you of something? We married a wonderful, beautiful woman who delights in us. We have three wonderful kids who love spending time with us. They even fight over who gets to sit next to us! We have a fantastic father who is so, so proud of us. The only person who ever suggested we were gross was Mom. And we both know Mom has her problems.

IC: I know, I know. But did you see Sarah's face? She averted her eyes and grimaced and laughed a nervous little laugh while saying "TMI!"

IA: I know, I know. But what was Sarah reacting to?

IC: ME!!!

IA: But she didn't react that way until we told the story, right?

IC: I guess.

IA: And she didn't react that way once the moment had passed, right?

IC: Yeah.

IA: So what was she reacting to?

IC: The story I guess.

IA: I think so. She had a little reaction to a bit of potty humor. Lot's of people don't like potty humor. But that doesn't mean she is disgusted with you! And, to top it off, we don't even know if she was disgusted. She didn't say so.

IC: Then why does it feel like she is disgusted by me?

IA: I think it is because we learned to be disgusted with ourselves, to find ourselves loathsome. And we both know who taught us that!

IC: But what if she really was offended and goes to Bill or HR?

IA: Can we cross that bridge when we get there? Have you ever known Sarah to not address a problem with you directly if she had one? Have you ever known Bill to fire anyone for something so minor?

IC: No, I guess not. But you never know!

IA: True, we can't know for sure  how other people feel, what they think, or how they will behave. But we can choose to live our lives consistent with what we know to be true about ourselves.

IC: I understand, but I really feel like texting Sarah to apologize!

IA: Are you trying to see if she is upset with you?

IC: YES! That way, I can know what to expect.

IA: If Sarah is upset with you and holds a grudge or bitterness toward you but refuses to address it with you, then that is a problem with her, not you. Is your conscience clear?

IC: Yes. I wasn't trying to do or say anything off color. I just was telling a story from our childhood.

IA: Right! Do you think you might be more circumspect in the future where Sarah is concerned?

IC: Of course! I don't want her to feel uncomfortable.

IA: Then, I see no reason to discuss the matter further with her or anyone else unless she reaches out. In the unlikely case that she is offended, then that is on her to bring up, not you.

IC: But I am still nervous!

IA: Of course! But now we have the opportunity to manage those nerves, to practice self-love and acceptance. I love you and our wife loves you and our kids love you and our father loves you! And God loves you too, just the way you are! HUG!!!!

[feels]

Hi all--

I have been NC with uBPm for almost four years. And it has been FANTASTIC! I am continually working on myself and dealing with my C-PTSD and am excited about the journey. Shortly after I went NC, my F filed for divorce (this was not coordinated, but it was very welcome). I have a really good relationship with F. For most of my life, F enabled uBPm. Once M moved out, he and I had several heart-to-hearts and have done a lot of work. He has apologized for not being there to protect me from M and has sought to make amends. He is on his own journey of healing. He has also been my biggest champion as I continue on my healing journey.

My sister, however, took a different approach. She utterly condemned me and F for abandoning M. M eventually bought a house in Sis's neighborhood (I wish them much joy together!  ). Anyhow, after multiple years of on-again, off-again chats with me, Sis finally decided about 14 months ago that I was too toxic for her and her family and basically went no contact with me. This made me quite sad. Apart from this whole kerfluffle with M, I really like her. And I like my kids to be able to spend time with their cousins.

Well, today, out of the blue, she texted me to ask if we could talk. According to my F (who she is still cordial with b/c she wants her kids to know their grandpa), she has told him that she has grown sick of dealing with M and had the epiphany that M has systematically taken over all of Sis's attention. Again, this is secondhand, but apparently Sis told M that Sis is not responsible for the fact that M's relationship with me and F fell apart. F says he thinks Sis (who previously dismissed my account of the emotional and physical abuse I suffered at the hands of M) genuinely wants to hear why I went NC. However, what Sis doesn't know is that my M also sexually abused me.

Anyhow, I am torn about what to do. I love my sister and her kids and want them in my life and I want to be in their's. But I also don't trust her after some of the nasty things she has told me and the way she has dismissed me when jumping to M's defense. She has never reached out before to ask to actually talk (it has always been her acting as a proxy for M to heap more abuse on me--usually in the form of texts so she can show them to M to prove her loyalty (I suspect)). This feels different to me, but I don't know.

What do y'all think?

Hey everyone,

My psychiatrist has me on Prazozin to help me sleep through the night (I often wake up at 2 or 3 in the morning in a rush of adrenaline; sometimes I remember the nightmares). It has worked SUPER well. I sleep through the night now and I am having fewer nightmares. Last night I forgot to take my prazozin and was wide awake at 1:30 unable to return to sleep. I have been sitting bolt upright in a chair in my living room for the past several hours dissociating to YouTube videos trying to relax. This seems worse than before I got on the Prazozin. I will talk about it with my psychiatrist at my next appointment, but wondered for now about other people's experiences (whether with Prazozin or not). 

We've been having trouble getting our middle child (age 7) to stay in her own bed at night. We recently moved to a much bigger house. But, before that, we were so cramped in a tiny apartment that she regularly slept in bed with my wife and I. We have slowly been transitioning her to her own bed in a room she shares with her younger sister and things have gone ok. But tonight she came back out of her room after being asleep for only 45 minutes. I asked her why she was up and she told me she got out of bed because she woke up. I snapped and told her that she needs to figure out how to roll over and just go back to sleep when she wakes up. And I ordered her to her room. She became dejected and sad and started to head for her room crying when I was assailed by guilt. I quickly apologized for snapping, reassured her that nothing was wrong with her, that we are all learning and change can be hard. That is when my wife walked in the door from work and she went and tucked our girl back into bed. My guilt surged again and I found myself drawn into a flashback.

My body is tense and I am trying not to cry. I am sitting on a couch in the living room while my mother shames me in front of my siblings. She is yelling and cursing and telling me just how terrible I am. And I am like, yeah, I am awful. I just shamed by 7 year-old little girl for having trouble sleeping. What kind of a-hole am I? So my current feelings of guilt merge with my old feelings of shame and I get trapped in my head, terrified that I will traumatize my kid like I was traumatized. This happens with some frequency. I am EXHAUSTED!!!! UGH.

Hey all--

I developed OCD in response to the emotional abuse I suffered as a child and the gold standard for treating OCD (Exposure and Response Prevention) worked like a charm. The OCD was a way for me to police my inner thoughts. I know what OCD anxiety feels like--it is characterized primarily by anxiety about absolutely absurd thoughts, things that I know are not even in the realm of possibility. My first victory was to reclaim the sanctity of my mind for myself.

I have been told that I also suffer from GAD and I have had some success treating it with traditional CBT work. But, I often feel like the CBT work doesn't address the swirling turmoil and tsunami of emotion below the surface. Here is an example:

I am a high school teacher at a small, close-knit private school. I often have students in my office sharing about their struggles, especially mental health struggles. They know I am a safe person. I occasionally (in an appropriate way) share bits of my own story that seem relevant to what they are going through. The empathy usually helps encourage them and helps deepen a trusting relationship from which I can encourage them to do what they need to do for themselves. When I open myself up like that, however, I can become consumed with fear that I will be harmed. This usually manifests as dark fantasies of my boss firing me for crossing a "professional" line with my students. I *know* he won't. He and I have actually discussed this aspect of teacher-student relations many times and I am by the book with all of our policies. But that doesn't soften the terror. If anything, it feeds it because I begin to suspect that he is lying to me and is just waiting for the opportunity to fire me when I am least expecting it. It is clear to me that this mirrors the way my M treated me as a kid. She would lie, pretend that it was just against the world, and then use whatever I had allowed myself to share against me when I was least expecting it. I learned to just never be vulnerable with her or anyone. Basically, my defense against toxic intimacy was just to have no intimacy.

I know this isn't OCD because there are no associated compulsions and while my fear is highly unlikely, it isn't absurd on its face. Besides, it doesn't respond to repeated exposures. It just opens the wound all over again, which I know is what a trauma response feels like.

I also don't think it is GAD in the traditional sense because it doesn't seem to respond well to the sorts of logical, thought-replacement, cognitive restructuring of CBT. I mean, the CBT helps enough that I can mostly just ignore the fears and keep going, but it is exhausting. It seems to treat just the surface and just the outward-facing part of me. Here is an analogy: when I cook pasta, it isn't uncommon for the water to threaten to boil over. I simply lift the pot from the stove and it calms down. But, when I set the pot back down, it will boil over again. The CBT work seems like lifting the pot off the fire, but it doesn't do anything about the fire itself.

So, I suspect this is a manifestation of my fear of intimacy, of the danger of opening myself to anyone. I am a flight type, so my immediate impulse is to run away. I start looking for new jobs. I fantasize about quitting altogether and moving to a cabin in the woods. I swear to myself that I will just teach and not have any kind of personal relationships with students. Etc. It is only after a week or two passes and I don't get fired that I calm down. Until the next time.

Anyway, I don't really know what I want. I just wanted to share this and see if anyone can relate.

Thanks!

I am convinced my M has undiagnosed BPD.

I've recently started doing work with my T to address the inner critic and boy has she reared her ugly head. Though I also experienced plenty of CSA and some PA, the EA might be the deepest and most difficult thing to deal with. It wasn't just that she molested me or beat me, but that she explained that she did those things because I was disgusting. And she would then apologize and offer to kill herself if I preferred to not have her as a mother.

I had to massage her feet every night. I had to massage her back every night. I had to pack her lunch for work for her. She was a teacher (God save her students) and I was often tasked to grade their papers. When she was in one of her "get healthy" moods, I was jolted out of bed at 5am to go for a walk with her no matter what else I had going on.

I never did anything correctly even if I did it in exactly the way she instructed me to. There was always a flaw. I never measured up because I was just as useless as my father. I was never clean enough for her and was forced to scrub myself over and over and over and over again. She told me that Jesus was disappointed in me for not loving her well. I was going to go to hel l for dishonoring my mother.

In my adulthood, when she began to suffer from more medical issues, she always seemed to find herself in a crisis when Dad was traveling for business. And, being trapped in the FOG, I would come to her house to take care of her for a couple of days, all of this despite that she lived 4 hours away and I had a job, a wife, and young kids. My wife was gracious to allow me to go, but I should never have been put in a position where I was forced to choose between remaining with my family or giving her the kind of reassurance she felt like she needed. And I don't know if she felt guilt for the way she treated me, but she would often hand out large amounts of money on these occasions. Wanting to believe the best of her, I took the money as an apology of sorts. Of course, as I left, she would make comments about maybe not being alive for my next visit. And I would secretly pray that she would be dead when I came back, that she would screw up the alcohol and opioid combination she was on. And then I would INSTANTLY berate myself for even thinking such a thing.

Anyhow, my internal critic sounds JUST LIKE HER. And in times of stress or during a flashback, her rage-filled or manipulative voice fills my mind. I am worthless. I am crap. I am disgusting. I can't do anything right. I will never amount to anything. I am a horrible son/father/husband/friend/coworker, etc. What will I do without her voice to guide me?

As I have been trying to deal with the inner critic, she has made absolutely clear that she is strong and powerful and will not easily be dislodged. I feel so discouraged and want to give up, to go back to drinking way too much whiskey, to zoning out to reruns of Friends over and over again, to dig a hole and crawl in. But I WON'T! Not because of shame or guilt, but because I have a RIGHT to a life of joy and peace. I didn't start this fight, but by God I am going to finish it.

Anyhow, writing all of this out really helped. I needed to externalize this. Thanks for this community that is always here.

Pete Walker in his book Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving suggests a very combative approach to the inner critic via thought stopping and telling the critic to "shut-up", etc. He views the inner critic as a foreign invader to be fought and vanquished.

However, I have had some success with an IFS (Internal Family Systems) T who wants to integrate the critic and express gratitude for all the ways the critic protected me during my trauma but relieving the critic of this responsibility going forward.

I guess the question comes down to how one thinks about the critic: is the critic part of me and therefore needs to be accepted and integrated or is the critic part of my abuser that has been left with me and I need to excise it?

Any thoughts?

Thanks!

We just moved to a new house and it superficially reminds me of the house I grew up in. One issue is that I have a window just behind and to the left of my bed, just like I did growing up. I now find myself staying up until 1 or 2 in the morning in an effort to get tired enough to just fall asleep instantly. I do have nightmares sometimes and wake up in the middle of the night sometimes (though my psych put me on Prazozin which has really helped with the middle of the night wake-ups), but I am scared to lay in the darkness because I sink into a twilight zone of sorts where I keep "jumping" awake, expecting my perp to walk through the door and attack me (or that my perp will break through my window). This wasn't much of a problem until we moved to this house and it is impractical to try to move my bed somewhere else or to move to a different house. It is easier to go to bed if my wife is awake but laying in the bed--I can trust her to keep watch for me, but she usually gets to bed before I do.

Does anyone have advice on dealing with hypervigilance keeping you awake?

Thanks!

I found this book today. It is a dissertation by an Australian researcher with tons of case studies. I have read the first 20 pages or so and the case studies are really helpful for me as a man who was sexually abused as a child by my mother.

I find it curious that I never forgot the physical and emotional abuse I suffered as a child, but I have only in the last three years recovered memories of sexual abuse. In my career I am an academic (though not in psychology, I have quite a bit of social science training) so I started researching the phenomenon of repressed memories and found that there is a divide in the academic literature between clinicians on the one hand who largely accept some version of repressed memory (probably more like motivated forgetting and/or dissociative amnesia than the repressed memory theory of Freud) and memory researchers on the other hand who discount the whole idea that one could forget something so traumatic.

The first time I remembered my sexual abuse was during an EMDR session on a memory of emotional abuse. That memory morphed into one of SA. So I have to wonder, am I creating false memories? Is there a danger of that? Why would I create false memories? It is not like I enjoy thinking about these things!

The memories certainly seem very real (though I recognize that to some degree I am consolidating similar memories and I often don't have a lot of details), but are they real?

I experienced PA, EA, and SA at the hands of my undiagnosed borderline mother growing up. I went no contact with her nearly four years ago. While I made known to her and to my siblings that I was going NC, I did not dive into the details. I tried to maintain a relationship with my sister, but that has deteriorated as she labels me "toxic" for cutting our mother out of my life. When I have attempted to explain that there are things she doesn't know about, she demands that I tell her so she can decide if I have good enough reasons for going NC. I have no doubt that if I told her that our mother sexually abused me, my sister would call me a liar. I don't think she can deny the EA or the PA, but she does minimize it. Here is my question:

Do I give my sister the details? Two considerations: 1) She and my brother-in-law have five young kids all adopted out of the foster care system (really, my sister is a wonderful person who is just blind regarding our mother). They spend a lot of time with my mother. I don't know if she would abuse my sister's kids, but I don't know. My mother is getting older, so maybe not. I just don't know. 2) Who am I protecting by not revealing what happened to me? I don't care that much about protecting my mother (though, I truly view her as severely mentally ill more than I view her as evil) and want to protect her new-found stability (my father divorced her at the same I went no contact). But more than that, I don't want to be ridiculed or rejected by mutual family members with whom I still spend time and enjoy being with.

Thanks!

Hey all,

I tend to stay off this forum because a lot of the content can be triggering for me. But, I am back because I am desperate for people who can understand what I've been through.

About three years ago while doing EMDR on memories of EA and PA, I recovered my first memories of being molested by my undiagnosed Borderline mother (I am male). She also physically abused me and emotionally abused me. She would sneak into my room at night, lay in my bed with alcohol on her breath, apologize for being a horrible mother, and offer to kill herself. I always comforted her (even as a young boy I was made to be the parent) and then she would often fondle my genitals. Since then, I have recovered lots more memories. My wife, several close friends, my father, my priest, and my therapist know about this, though only my wife and father have any more than the basics.

After two really intense years of therapy, I was much, much better. I was so much better that I decided to try to wean off the SSRI I was on without telling anyone. Well, that went very poorly and I started drinking heavily in order to cope. When I woke up on my bathroom floor one Saturday after blacking out from the alcohol, I resolved to take action. My wife was at work that day and I had all three of my kids (ages 8, 7, and 5) at home with me. I thank God nothing happened to them (they were watching a movie when I blacked out and were still watching the movie when I woke up), but it scared me. So that evening I told my wife what happened (she is a Critical Care Nurse). A couple of days later I saw my T and my Psychiatrist, got back on my meds, and got back in therapy.

One of the things that happened after I stopped drinking was a massive influx of flashbacks, including of memories I hadn't previously explored. These memories are altogether more violent and terrifying than what I had previously worked through. They include not just fondling by my M, but also regular anal penetration with her finger and, more commonly, a thermometer. They also include more memories of PA and PA with SA (like being hit hard on my left shoulder blade by a blunt object, falling into the corner of a coffee table, and having to get stitches and the time at a restaurant where she dragged me to the back after I "embarrassed" her in front of her friends and she slammed me against the wall and grabbed me by the nuts through my pants as a punishment).

Side note: One memory I actually never lost was her trying to take my temperature rectally when I was 12. I shoved her away and told her to never touch me again (and she didn't--at that point the abuse became much more covert incest and emotional).

Anyhow, I am just now coming to terms with the fact that I was raped. Repeatedly. While I am actually coping well (still no drinking!), I am emotionally unavailable much of the time to my wife and kids. My wife keeps wanting to know what is going on with me and I just tell her I am having emotional flashbacks, but won't give any details. I feel like I CAN'T give the details. Like, even if I wanted to, I couldn't form the words. I am probably going tell my T about these memories at my next appointment, but otherwise I want the circle closed.

I guess just feel like I would infect others with the filth that is in me if I let it out. I don't feel guilty at all. I know I didn't deserve what happened to me, but I am feeling violated and dirty and disgusting. I don't want to gross DW or anyone else out.

I'll take whatever thoughts, prayers, advice, solidarity, or "hugs" are available.

TW: Sexual abuse, suicidal threats, physical abuse, religious abuse, verbal/emotional abuse

As part of my long-term recovery process, I am writing a memoir. This is one of a few complete entries. Thanks for reading.

***

"Jesus wants you to love your mommy better. He is sad that you are such a bad boy" she told me. And, of course, I knew it was true. But what was wrong with me? Why wasn't I able to love her better? I tried. I tried really hard, but it was never enough. And I just knew as I lay awake in bed night after night after night that Satan and his minions would pop out of my floor and haul me to *. And of course * looked a lot like it does in All Dogs Go to Heaven.

* * *

She used to sit me in her lap and tell me how much she loved me, how I was the only one who really understood her. And then she would change. Her eyes would darken and her face would become a taut mask stretched over bone and her smile would become a scythe and I would scream and cry and bury my head in her chest and beg her not to make the witch face. And it would stop. And she would deny that she had made such a face. I must be imagining things. As usual.

Once as an adult I confronted her about the witch face. She denied ever making such a face and then, as I was speaking to her, she made the face. I called her out on it even as terror swept through my body and then, like a wisp of smoke, it was gone. She had no memory of such a thing.

* * *

"Why are you so disgusting? You stink and your pants stink and you never wash behind your ears." I must have had the backs of my ears inspected hundreds of times. She often insisted on a full body examination after a bath to confirm that, indeed, I had not left "nast" and "filth." Often these abject inspections necessitated her touching my body at different points. She was particularly anal about my bottom being clean.

When I (inevitably) wasn't sufficiently clean, I was forced to re-bathe myself in her presence until she was satisfied.

* * *

I started sleeping in the closet because it offered me a bit of protection. I grew to hate the night time visits where she would apologize for being such a terrible mother and would offer to kill herself if that is what I wanted. Sometimes this was accompanied by fondling me. Sometimes not. I hated it.

In the closet I felt protected but knew that if she found me in there I might be beaten. So scared at night, I often peed in the closet to avoid going to the restroom. I woke up once to her stomping me in my stomach and then just walking out of my room.

* * *

Dad once confided in me that she had a screw loose in her head, that she was crazy, but that we were stuck with her. Of course. Everyone had a crazy mother. Mine was no different. So what if I threatened to call 911 as she beat my brother. So what if she insisted on taking my temperature rectally until I was 12. So what if she ran over my beloved cat one evening after church. So what if I was screamed at, gaslighted, hit, and blamed for every wrong. Moms are crazy. Everyone knows that.

"Only Mommy," she said, "can love such a gross boy like you. No one else will ever want you."

* * *

As part of my therapy, I have reworked many of my memories EMDR. . I have also done imaginative work in which I rescued the wounded inner child at various stages. I have rescued baby gcj07a, young gcj07a, and teenage gcj07a. But nine-year-old gcj07a has proved reluctant to be rescued (more on this in later posts as well).

In The Body Keeps the Score Dr. Bessel van der Kolk explains that trauma splits everyone who experiences it. At the extreme end of this is the development of Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), but even when DID does not develop, the personality fractures in response to trauma. A specific form of therapy called Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy assists a person in reintegrating the fractured elements. IFS specifically focuses on how the fractured person develops the exile (the trauma victim), the manager (the defense mechanism focused on controlling the exile), and the firefighter (the defense mechanism focused on distracting the exile). I won't explain it all, but my exile is a 9-year-old boy. His manager and firefighter are each about 13 (and they hate each other). This boy is afraid for his mom. In his compassion he wants to make sure she is cared for. But more than that, he knows he is disgusting. And he knows if he gives her up then he is saying goodbye to love forever.

* * *

Here is a psalm of lament I wrote in September of 2019 (inspired very much by the work of a former professor of mine in his book Hurting with God).

Why have you shut the sky against me, oh God?

Why do my shouts only return my own echoes?

You rescued Israel from Pharaoh and Daniel from lions

And you set David's feet on solid ground.

But I have been abandoned and forgotten,

left to suffer alone with no consolation.

Why was I born to a woman who hates me?

Why give me a mother but not a mommy?

I was terrorized and denied my own identity,

my earth had been made to stand still.

But your eye was focused on others' needs,

on setting their worlds to rights.

How long, oh Lord, must I suffer from my trauma?

How long, oh God of my heart, until you restore me to my senses?

Send me rain from heaven, oh God!

May your tears wash away my fear!

Weep with me as you did for Jerusalem and Lazarus!

Shelter me beneath your wings

and call me out of the grave.

I do not want to die, oh Lord.

I do not want to drown beyond your reach!

I am helpless, Lord, entangled in nightmares of blood and fire!

Lift me free, oh Lord, for the sake of your love for me.

I've watched as mothers nurse their babies,

even wild animals know this comfort.

Be a mother to me oh God.

Be a mother to the motherless!

As you have been in ages past,

so lso be with me for your name's sake!

For I am unworthy to have you come under my roof,

but only say the word and I shall be healed.

For whom have I in heaven but you,

and there is nothing on the earth I desire besides you.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but you are

the strength of my heart and my portion

forever.

Why I am posting here is because I am curious as to whether SA is something typical of Borderlines? Or, at least, not uncommon?

***TW--CSA***

I posted on the SA forum about a memory I recovered a few days ago in EMDR therapy of my unBPM (with whom I am NC) molesting me when I was elementary aged (I am male). While I would have readily described my relationship with M as covert/emotional incest, I never suspected physical SA until a few days ago. For context: I know my M was physically and emotionally abused as a child and I have suspected for years that she was also sexually abused. Anyhow, any clarity out there? Thanks!

I was in therapy this morning doing EMDR work when the memory I was working on slid into another memory of my mother molesting me when I was elementary age or so. It was so unexpected and unlooked for that I just assumed my memory was being overactive. But then my therapist had me keep going and the longer I explored this the more "real" the memories felt. I was flooded with night after night after night. Though I was emotionally abused and physically abused, I had no memory (until this morning) of sexual abuse. Am I making it up? Are repressed memories real? I mean, it was like something that had been edited out of my memories had returned. The way I had remembered this stuff was that I was exploring my body myself, but now it seems that it was my mother. It also makes a lot of sense of my various other childhood symptoms, my bed wetting, insomnia, sleep walking and talking, waking up in my closet with the door closed and my body against it, my nightmares of demons coming at night to drag me to hel (I was raised in a very religious household), my urninating on random things at night, etc. It just seems in-credible. Like, my M is a real piece of work, but I never suspected anything like that. Anyway, am I nuts?

The vast majority of the abuse I suffered at my M's hands was emotional. That is, the abuse I remember. But I also have huge chunks of my childhood that are just missing. I have always noticed with curiosity that others seem to remember their childhoods far better than I remember mine. But I do have one memory. And it haunts me. And I always wonder if it is real:

*TW--PA--Suicidal Threat*

I was maybe 5 and my older brother was 7 and younger sister was 3. My unBPDM had flown into a rage about something or another and dragged my brother back to her bedroom and all I could hear was screams. I opened the door and saw her beating my brother and said, with the phone in my hand, that she must stop or I would call 9-1-1 for real this time. And she stopped. She went out the door screaming that she knew she was a horrible mother and might as well kill herself. I don't remember anything after that. But I have often wondered how often this same scene played out in my younger years before I could overpower/seriously resist my tiny mother (5'1"). I have long doubted this memory because no one will/can confirm it for me (back then, F was also experiencing EA at her hands and tried to stay gone as much as possible and I have not wanted to mention it to enBro or enSis because they would just gaslight me).

I've never shared this memory (except once with my wife and once with my F). Thanks for reading.