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Topics - PleaseWait

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Over the years I have been on a mission to solve my life long health problems. I've read so many journals and reputable journals I come off as a bit nutty at doctor visits. Mostly dismissive responses in which the Dr defers to surface manifestations as the "safe" bet to either avoid hard work to diagnose, or a fear that they could get something wrong the more complicated the case gets. Either way, I'm 42 years old now and been undiagnosed since age 11. Being pre-occupied by traumas does not help anything. I sound paranoid and its somewhat supported by tests. Except the serious pain which I have an explanation for but no one will hear me.

I have an autoimmune disorder related to susceptibility to the Epstein Barr Virus, VZV and HSV1. All work in concert or sympathetic to one another. My spleen was removed when I was 11 so I get all kinds of lymphatic symptoms which are increasing dramatically in pain level. I know the high mortality of chronic EBV problems is ramping up.

I have been through extremely low points where I felt so bad that I couldn't rationalize a reason that I should have to live this way. I honestly considered suicide. Even now I consider the assisted option here in Oregon. But I'm too young and not diagnosed terminal. I cannot work or reliably commit to anything really. I got boned by Social Security and don't even care to fight. I'm hanging on but find it hard to keep my momentum or build any for that matter.

In my wait until January stinkin 10th until I see a rheumatologist, I need to figure out a way to communicate with him so he doesn't think I'm crazy. I have plenty of verified tests. I'm not just saying I think I have it. I also have tons of family evidence that its genetic. I'm scared for my shortened future and for that of my children. My daughter was hospitalized at age 4 with Kawasakis, later ruled out as Mono. 2 of my sons with autism including myself. My Grandfather with Guille-Barre, myself as well.

I'm all over the place and think I need help sorting or preparing a presentation of sorts for my 90 minute appointment next stinkin year.

Any ideas would be super!

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If anyone wonders why this is so odd in its presentation, I call it Autistisorting. Hypervigilant analysis, some from the ASD and some triggered by trauma. It all started when I was 5 or so. ADHD and all sorts of other considerations. I was duped into thinking there was something seriously wrong with me. For years I hyperanalyzed, then I realized who was wrong. It wasn't me. I had been doing what I think a lot of people might do. I was hurt, and when it all started I was 5, when my parents divorced. Easily described as the most traumatic event in my life, until more. Trying to find a place where I felt needed and belonged was hard. I was holding onto the wrong things, and still am.

1. Lost my family age 5.
2. Beaten by step mother, taken from home by state age 11.
3. Nearly died from mystery illness, spleen removed. Viral cause
4. Aged out of group homes.
5. Into drugs age 19.
6. Married age 23, 15 years of *.
7. Skull fractured at work 2007, still not working.
8. Kids removed from home 2008 (medically unfit to care for children)
9. Mother concocted sexual abuse allegations against me, state of WA withheld this info until 2016 when I was finally informed that the reason I lost my children was because my daughter was telling stories that were not true. I knew she was doing it, but no one would tell me. She recanted her testimony in court 2016.
10. After my divorce in 2012 my 9 month old daughter was raped and murdered by my ex's live in boyfriend.
 
And I still have more things that seem incidental but surface at times with aggressive or isolation response. Too many events I need to reset. The worst part is that due to the implications, I want desperately to lash out and defend myself. I learned the hard way though, thats when people develope the wrong understanding. I'm looking for a place to feel safe and sane because I can be thankful that this all taught me how to be absolute and never let these things happen again.

And then I rush in flailing my arms like Gumby running out of a warehouse fire. Uggggggggggggggg


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Introductory Post / Come to a realization!
« on: October 25, 2019, 04:36:31 PM »
Hello everyone,

Entirely by accident I find myself here after a thought pattern that led me to the realization that 100% of my daily is comprised of isolation, self-loathing, poor health and stifled productivity. The analysis was based on a stereotypical understanding of PTSD in war vets. I imagined their plight, then considered my own. The list of traumas that have contributed to my current state, are very similar and in many cases more extreme. Complex PTSD was not originally my personal Dx. I believed that anyone can rationalize and recover once they can understand. However; I realized I am powerless to not feel this way and I must do something. I allowed myself to get backed into a victims corner and got too comfortable. Looking for my way out.......

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