1

Poetry & Creative Writing / My Mind

« on: November 27, 2019, 09:25:06 PM »

I suddenly remembered this song/poem I made a few years ago. It vaguely sums up a portion of trauma... Specifically how closed off one becomes when the people who are supposed to care for you will hurt you...
It's the social interaction of my childhood in a way.

I just feel so angry how I couldn't express myself for 18 years.. but reading my own vent helps in a weird way to process it.

----

Twining, twisting and inviting,
A stream of conscious lining,
Wrapping round the void of mad eternity.
White snow, covering the wild glow,
A consequence of mild flow,
Distracted by the lines and shapes of circuitry.

Climbing, whispering the lightning,
An irony in timing,
Clinging to the only thing that's left inside.
I know this seems insane but although,
My mind is not a play show,
Keeping thoughts of lone but happy entity.

Curving, rearranging, learning,
Convoluted swerving,
Curling round the strands of sweet serenity.
Black crow, singing like my mind though,
Fly by farms of night woe,
Cursing and ensuring the uncertainty.

Crying, horrifying lying,
A mix of falsifying,
A book of wrong and horrid self insurgency.
I know this seems insane but although,
My mind is not a play show,
Keeping thoughts of lone but happy entity.

Waiting here goes uneasy,
Just anxious and unruly,
I know it's the paranoia seeping in.
Claustrophobia's not one threat to me,
But we know it won't matter,
Cause my mind is always closed.

Just here, yes you have,
Just a snippet of my luxury, my home,
My sanctuary peace dome.
But how can I control, Something half in my possession,
But we know, It won't hurt me,
Cause my mind is always closed.

Hearing you, I regret,
Just mistakes I cannot run from, I know,
It's unlucky, just stupidity.
Hyperopia, I can't see quite the obvious,
But we know it won't matter,
Cause my mind is always closed.

Quiet and sweet, from the out,
Just a mask over my truth and my soul,
My secret, my hidden goal,
But how can I control, Something half in my possession,
But we know, it won't hurt me,
Cause my mind is always closed

2

General Discussion / How to Rent

« on: November 25, 2019, 04:35:32 AM »

I hope this is okay to ask here - it's not directly relating to CPTSD but it would help to get any sort of advice. I'm looking to move out from my current rental, where I'm living with a flatmate. It was okay for the first year or so but now I'm having to ask her for the rent money and I'm unable to even move around the house because there's so much of her stuff lying around in the hallway and kitchen. I've always wanted to live alone anyway and I'm finally making the steps to do so.

But... I have no clue how to present myself well to a real estate agent in hopes of improving the likelihood that I'll get the property. Usually your parents teach you that stuff but you know... And school didn't teach me, and nobody really taught me. I've asked friends but they haven't moved out of their homes yet. I've asked my therapist but she's bought a property, never rented so she couldn't give me any advice.

I'm asking for advice because I'm pretty desperate at this point. I hate how suffocating and small my home feels. I live in my own room and it's not healthy...

So... when I go to a rental inspection to view a property...
#1. Is it polite to introduce myself to the real estate agent? Or is that just weird?
#2. Should I bother dressing up nicely and making a good impression by appearance?
#3. Is there anything I can say/do that might make me stand out among the rest of the applying members?
#4. Any Dos or Don'ts?

Sorry, I realise this isn't really the right place for it and I understand if the thread is locked or something.

3

General Discussion / I Don't Even Want To...

« on: November 15, 2019, 02:12:06 AM »

I missed out on today's psychiatrist appointment because of my anxiety. I walked up to the counter, said I had an appointment but couldn't remember who with. Receptionist told me to find out and I pretended to look on my phone but I just... Walked out. I don't even know if I want to see this psychiatrist anyway... Last session he gave me the usual CPTSD diagnosis but I couldn't open up about my trauma and he ended up telling me my issues aren't "as bad as others" which shunned me into an EF... Further closing myself up. My heart feels all tight and I'm just really upset and angry.  Do I even want to see this doctor? Not really... I only wanted to get proper advice for medication, and I've got my medication now. So can't I just not show up? Maybe my GP can prescribe me with more... I don't know. I don't know...

I'm just going to hide at my office desk for a while... Try and get myself out of the EF I just put myself in.

4

AV - Avoidance of Traumatic Reminders (eg Dissociation) / Your Inner Parts

« on: November 14, 2019, 10:59:19 PM »

I'm sorry if this is not the right place for the thread.
I was curious as to learning a bit more about what others and their different parts are like... And by parts I mean the little personalities that come out when particularly dissociative.
Are most parts good? Are some bad? How many do you think you have? Have they ever come out in front of other people? How did it go?
Only share if you want to obviously...

5

Recovery Journals / Making a Change

« on: November 14, 2019, 10:04:12 PM »

Things won't change unless you make an effort TO change things. So this is my current plan...
- Be more active on OOTS as a support line.
- See my therapist and psychiatrist.
- Take my medication.
- Continue reading various self help books.
- Look for a new house to rent.

Yesterday I saw my therapist and I opened up a little about my identity dissociation episodes and my 'other parts'. I realised though that I seem to dissociate a lot less. It used to be almost a daily occurrence when I was still with my FOO. I dissociated a week ago I think... but that was the first time in a month? So, I think that's good progress.

But at the moment it feels like my life at home is... stagnating. I live with a flatmate which really impacts my recovery I believe. When I walk into the hallway I just don't feel... safe or comfortable. Doesn't help that my past experience with a previous flatmate didn't turn out so great.
Trigger warning - sexual
It was stupid really. He talked about the dangers of being around someone a lot older than yourself, yet he was the one to make the sexual advance on me... thanks for ruining my own home.
End TW
My current flatmate is okay but she's taking up a lot of space and I can't use said space to really look after myself. I know especially that healthy meals and a good diet will improve overall health, but I can't cook when the kitchen is a constant mess. 

My current obstacle is plucking up the courage to tell her I'm looking to move out. I feel an immense pang of guilt, feeling like I'm practically throwing all the bills onto her as soon as I leave. It feels like... if I tell her I'm moving out I might as well be saying "Have fun struggling on your own".

6

Successes, Progress? / Learning to Notice Abuse

« on: November 13, 2019, 12:25:04 AM »

I'm still not the best at picking up red flags in abusers, however I am getting better at speaking up about the interactions I have - which in turn helps me to avoid people that might hurt me again. I've been talking to my therapist about tone and language, trying to determine when someone is being aggressive, assertive, or passive... I think I'm slowly making progress.

But I mainly wanted to commend myself because a month ago I went no contact with someone who was slowly getting a hold of me. I sort of had an inkling that his words were manipulative, and whilst I couldn't completely figure it out on my own, I did at least seek help about it.
Trigger warning - Emotional abuse
He kept pushing blame onto me, stating I HAD to talk to him every day, had to say good morning. When I told him I had work to do, he said it wasn't good enough. He said he wasn't asking for much so I should follow his demands. When I changed my mind about coming to see him face to face, he became furious with me, saying I wasted his time and efforts, saying that I only think of myself.
End Trigger
But the thing is, I noticed it was abusive and I actually took a step back.  So I'm happy about that.

But now my next challenge is to deal with this friend of mine... he's not abusive per say but I feel that I still need the same amount of courage, confidence, and self worth to be able to set boundaries between us. Being around him triggers my EFs and I need to learn to just... let go. I've known him for 7 years, which has made it hard to end that commitment. But I'm trying to tell myself that it's the best for me. I just can't be around someone who makes me feel like an idiot...

Overall though, it's progress!

7

Frustrated? Set Backs? / I Make The Same Mistake - **TW EA**

« on: November 05, 2019, 01:59:13 AM »

Trigger warning - Emotional abuse
I'm LC with my FOO right now... I keep thinking "It'll be fine, they're better people". I keep making the same mistake. Was only going to stay the night with a friend... for reasons that would be too in depth to explain here. Thought it would actually be peaceful, enjoyable.

My M suddenly informed me that she was picking F up from the airport that night. Then she mentioned cleaning and how he'll be angry if we don't get the place clean. Then the flashbacks hit me, seeing his anger directly in my mind, feeling my entire body go cold and numb - I remembered how every single day after school... having to clean everything before he gets home otherwise I'd face the repercussions. I remained silent for a while and walked outside to be alone for a minute to try and calm myself down.

My M followed me and started insulting me, telling me I was anti-social and disrespectful to my friend there. Said I was selfish for not thinking about his needs. But that wasn't a flashback, she was actually saying it to my face like she had done for years and I couldn't... I snapped and ran off to cry in the darkness of my backyard.

And just something small... (though it made me lose my mind) - coming back to the house after my M's stressed cleaning, I found she had thrown out the little donut I bought for myself. She claimed "I didn't know there was anything in the bag" but to be honest, I just don't think she cared. The bag very obviously had something in it, and the bag wasn't even hers. Throwing away any little pleasure I could ever give myself. That sums it up alright. I realise this is so small of an error but.. surely it's small enough for her to actually care then?

I need to stay firm to this low contact thing. I'm going to ruin myself if I keep giving them chances. I ended up getting a taxi back to my own place with my friend. It's cramped but I feel safer... I wanted to leave before having to meet my F again. I still feel like I'm in a bit of an EF, so anxious, jumpy yet depressed at the same time. I dream of the day I can turn this LC into NC. I really really wish...

8

General Discussion / FOO and Pets **TW** PA, EA, death

« on: November 03, 2019, 09:07:26 AM »

Trigger Warning - Physical/Emotional Abuse, Neglect, and Death
The Negative Stuff
I have very little contact with my M, but recently she told me that whenever her cat starts getting 'bitey', she squirts it with water, or throws it off her hand and then harshly growls at it. Later I had the cat under my own care for two weeks, I couldn't understand why M would ever need to do any of that to the cat. He was quite lovely actually and if he ever was 'bitey', I just wouldn't encourage it, that's all. The cat I believe ended up getting more attached to me, he sits on my lap but not hers. But it got me thinking... if she has such an over exaggerated punishment for the cat's simple 'wrongdoing'... it wouldn't be surprising if her own punishment of myself was over exaggerated as well. Am I maybe seeing signs where there aren't any? Is this a huge assumption to make? Not sure... I struggle a lot with believing in my trauma but I feel that.. little things like this help see it a little more clearly. I didn't like seeing how she would fling the cat off her when it was playful. I know it's an animal and I'm not but I still feel the association somehow.

A much earlier example in my childhood was the new dog, belonging to my F and M. That was a very clear indication that there was something wrong in my family. F's punishment style was to hit and yell, and I don't think it did the dog any favours. The dog was obsessive, untrained, and a danger to every one around. It had to be put down due to its aggressiveness. If that's not a sign of a traumatic childhood, what is?

My M had rabbits that were untrained and almost starved due to negligence, they ended up running away (good for them). A bird that was bought and then forgotten about in a cage in the backyard, which she later sold. I feel like I had more pets than that but I can't seem to remember now...  But it's all just so... sad.
Sorry, most of this rant was just to validate my CPTSD a bit more again...

The Positive Stuff
However... it took me a long time but I did eventually work up the courage to get myself a pet - just for me. This sort of.. grew. And now I have two fish tanks with about 30-40 fish, and a skink in her own terrarium. I'm slowly learning to feel affection for pets again. I really suppressed any kind of love towards animals because I always have this feeling that they will be taken from me. There's always this anxiety in me that I have over my pets, but I'm getting better... and I'm doing my best to take care of them and not follow in my FOO's footsteps. So, hooray for me? 

Sorry for the long rant. Also sorry if this is in the wrong category of the forum. I'm still wrapping my head around it...
I wouldn't mind hearing about others' experiences with their FOO and pets if they are comfortable to do so of course.

9

Family of Origin (FOO) / Curious about FOOs

« on: November 02, 2019, 04:36:21 AM »

I hope this is okay to ask. Let me know if not...
I was wondering if it's common for those with CPTSD to have parents with relationship troubles? If that makes sense. For example, splitting, divorce, etc.
Personally I was born to a single mother after my biological father left her. My mother threatened divorce with my step father many times and constantly moved in and out with him.

Regards,
Complex.

10

Self-Help & Recovery / Nosy Coworker

« on: November 01, 2019, 09:57:55 AM »

I'm really sorry if this is in the wrong category or not worth discussion.
A year ago I changed my real name to something completely different as a way of distancing myself from my family. I have not regret any part of it and it has been incredibly freeing. Thankfully as well my coworkers adjusted to the new name. When they asked why I changed, I reply with "Cause I didn't like it" as a way to avoid spilling on about the association with my name and past trauma.

But every few weeks this coworker in particular asks me "Have you told your parents yet"? This drives me into a shock every time he says it and I become so angry internally - as to even think of doing such a thing would be against the very notion of my name change. The problem is, every time he asks I either mumble myself out of the topic or just say "No" and then leave as to avoid further discussion.

This is really troubling me now and I don't know how to tell him the truth without being vulnerably open to him. I don't want my coworkers to know about my CPTSD or depression, I fear I will be treated differently then. So what do I say? I try to be honest yet closed off at the same time which then... gets me into situations like this.
Even if there is no advice that anyone can give me, it felt good to rant about this at least.

Regards,
Complex.

11

Introductory Post / Hesitant

« on: November 01, 2019, 09:34:29 AM »

I was diagnosed with CPTSD alongside the obvious depression and anxiety.
I feel I've been stuck in a terrible rut. How does one motivate themselves to do things that will in turn make them more motivated?

I'm hesitant because I fear I'm making up my problems somehow, that I don't have it 'bad enough'. But then again, that's exactly what my parents told me - whom have proven to be less than adequate guardians. Yet I still struggle to know what is truth and who to believe. I've been debating with myself what is best for me. I tried ignoring my CPTSD diagnosis for months, trying to push myself to catch up with everyone else around me. But then I fall behind and I berate myself and my symptoms thinking they're unacceptable to feel.

So, my new method is to embrace it I suppose. As they all say, the first step is acknowledging it right? I'm always afraid to speak out about my diagnosis in fear of being attention seeking or accidentally disturbing others. So I'm hoping here I can just let those thoughts out a bit.

Thanks for reading.

Regards,
Complex.