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Has anyone else been diagnosed with this?

I joined an online support group for it... but feel like the connection with psych issues and CPTSD is so strong that I still feel alone on the site. I feel like a lot of support the other fibro people offer totally make sense but I don't know how to do them because I have such a disconnect with my body and such a hard time taking care of myself.

Just wondering if anyone else had both issues... would love to talk.

Thanks.

my dad has started hospice and his end is nearing and I just feel so confused by it all...
I don't know how I feel... how I feel about him... how I feel about him dying...
He is still with my mother and so having to interact with her is wreaking havoc on and in me...
but after all these years I'm do disconnected from my feelings and my body that I know something is wrong and that I'm upset but I don't even know why and so can't figure out what to do next...

my dad was never around when I was growing up in the US (his job was based in Switzerland and he traveled all over the world for it.. he also had other kids in England). my mother was a truly terrifying monster but was brilliant and managed to manipulate us all. my younger sister, husband and i actually think she might be slowly killing my dad by withholding medication/medical care which is why I have had to stop the NC for now.

my younger sister and I had a long conversation last week trying to figure out how we felt about my dad - whether we held him responsible for seemingly looking the other way while we were growing up and just trying to stay away as much as possible. He's had such a hard life himself - holocaust refugee - spent his teenage years in an orphanage in a country where he didn't know the language... his first wife ran off with another man, his second wife committed suicide while their children were teenagers and then he married my mother who is a narcissistic BPD (in fairness - she also experienced extreme trauma as a child at the hands of her parents and it ended up destroying any shred of humanity in her). My father was wealthy and 30 years older than her - so I think she just wanted to pretend he could be HER father. Joke was on her because he lost his money shortly after they married... but by then she was living in a new country with a new baby (me) with no friends and no job prospects since she was a drop out.

anyway... where are these ramblings taking me? i thought i had decided to be at peace with his impending death and that - shrug - it didn't matter because I don't get attached to people anyway, right? but then it seemed i was repressing good memories with him as well as the bad... my sister started pointing out how similar him and i were in many ways with our avoidance and our (at times unhealthy) devotion to work. then, this week, my older sisters flew here from england to see him and my oldest sister continued that thread... making excuses for him and trying to show me who he really was - or had been - before my mother's influences...

now I don't know... is this all building up to realizing I do care about him, only to be devastated by the loss of him after so many years of NC? I guess.. better to realize it with a short time remaining than no time? (though he's not quite all there anymore so it won't matter to him)... or maybe this can just be a way of growing closer with my sisters (who I have always been distant from because my damage plays out in avoidance of connections/relationships)...?

my sisters have said that they will not return for the funeral because of my mother and so we are discussing celebrating his life in his old haunts in europe... but is it strange that I am looking forward to celebrating him more than being with him over the next couple of weeks? I want to rewrite him in my mind to be the fantasy father - and I can't do that while reality still confronts me... I don't know... it's all so painful... two days ago I went to their house and when I said goodbye to him he touched my arm briefly... but it seemed like it was a loving gesture and I ached and then cried the whole car ride home imagining what life would have been like if he had been a real father (like I see my husband being to our girls).

ok... ramblings over... just don't know what to do with myself since I can't seem to express this to anyone in my real life

Just curious if anyone else has this?

Hi All,

So my husband and I have two foster daughters that just started living with us in January (though I've known the older one for 5 years now in more of a professional capacity). They are 16 and 17 years old and - as you can imagine - come with a whole lot of struggles. To some extent, my husband and I knew what we were getting into (as much as one can) as we had intentionally focused our foster parent training on working with teenagers... but our only actual experience had been with younger kids before this. I also was completely caught off guard by just how perpetually triggering motherhood apparently is for me... whoops...

On top of all the to-be-expected drama, my 17 year old's behaviors are seeming more and more like BPD to me. I'm reluctant to label a teenager whose personality is still forming (and remember how frustrated I felt getting a lot of labels at that age)... but as the child of an uBPD mother myself - her behavior (and my husband's response to it - which I'm interpreting as enabling) is triggering me and I'm struggling to see and act on helpful next steps.

I am seeking professional support for her. She - understandably due to her childhood trauma - has massive trust issues and so getting her to see a therapist has been very challenging, however - even she recognizes that her behavior is out of control at this point and said I could make an appointment. I have an appointment at a local clinic in 2 weeks (already been waiting 2 weeks but a month out was the fastest one without going to the ER). I'm just praying she's going to actually come when the date arrives.

In the meantime, does anyone have experience with potentially BPD teenagers? I feel like my judgement is so clouded. I've read a thousand books (and am HAPPY to take additional book recommendations) but I'm big time struggling at the moment and my CPTSD has given me a laundry list of other issues to tackle.

Phew - even writing this out is making me feel a little more ready to take this on though. Thanks to a great psychiatrist and her prescription pad - starting to come out of a deep, dark depression - so maybe this doesn't have to be hopeless!

Anyway - any words of wisdom are much appreciated!!!!!

This might sound crazy... but does anyone else retreat to an inner "fantasy" life frequently? I put fantasy in quotes because while it is imaginary and of my creation - for whatever strange, twisted reason - my inner world is actually equally filled with trauma.

I've only recently started trying to analyze it and think about why it exists and what it reveals about me...

Just curious if this was something anyone else had experienced.

Hi All,

Just wondering if anyone else has read Childhood Disrupted. I know I'm not the first one to recommend it - but I want to second everyone else who has suggested it - life changing read for me (hopefully truly life changing if I can follow the advice in it).

Anyway, it allowed me to make the connection between my completely confusing and debilitating health issues with my CPTSD. I'm a 32 year old female who prides herself in completely ignoring physical needs/pain (totally understand how self-destructive and damaging that bizarre self-harm has been) but anyway - who has suddenly been completely crippled by physical pain/symptoms. I went from working literally 18 hour days to now being on medical leave. I've been out for a month but was utterly crushed by the depression that came from not being able to work (my number one source of avoidance and relief)... but thanks to a fantastic psychiatrist and PCP - meds have lifted me out of the dark cloud enough to get out of bed - at least briefly - woohoo I showered today! Mini victories

Would love to chat with others who are just realizing the connection between physical health and their CPTSD and how they're juggling emotional/psychological healing with physical issues... as well as how they explain anything to anyone... to doctors... to jobs... friends... people ask you what's wrong and I feel like responding with - "here's a list of books you should read... it'll basically explain it"... especially when NO ONE in my life has any idea about my childhood... even my husband's understanding of it is only vague... he knows my mother is very mentally ill and knows there was trauma... but that's it.

Alright... and there it is Hope to hear from anyone!

Just feeling so hopeless... this doesn't seem possible

While I saw others building with straw and sticks... I worked so hard to build mine from bricks.

I knew the story... I knew the risks... and so I put so much energy into working with that sturdy material... into building walls that would never fall down or cave in...

... that I forgot doors or windows...

Refusing to change course after all that work... feeling the wolf's breath too close for comfort... I placed that last brick long ago...

Now the air has almost run out...

Everything still looks great from the outside... sturdy, large, beautifully designed - solid brick.

...and there are no windows to look through to see that I'm inside... on the ground... gasping my last breaths...

help