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Hello, didn't think I would be doing this, but I feel this need to take a break and distance myself. I only have the energy to mentally fight my own demons for now, so I'll be focusing on myself first. When I come back, I'll be back to helping the lovely people on this forum and showing them support (although I send support even when I'm not online). I am eternally grateful for this forum 

Hi. So I've found that for years, whenever I have listened to someone else's music that they want to show me or have suggested, I immediately tense up and feel uncomfortable, or in better words feel triggered. I am suspecting this to be the tip of the iceberg of an underlying issue, such as being unable to enjoy playing anything (video game, board game), watching any movie, looking at a screen is impossible for me to do with someone else. I'm assuming it is because of the constant movies we would watch together and games we would play as a family, and I was always tense as I would always sit next to my brother (which I despised).
In any case, I was wondering if anyone else is unable to listen to a friend's suggested music?

I know for a while now that when I reach a new stage in trauma, I will want to talk about it. So here it goes.
I know I’ve mentioned this before in my journal, and I understand if this specific thing makes people uncomfortable, so no pressure to respond. So please read this with your discretion.

For me, it feels like this is the most terrifying thing I’ve been through. And I know I’ve been haunted by this for my whole life since the abuse started intensely. I know that I haven’t been sexually abused. But whenever I see someone’s body being overpowered (in movies and in real life) physically (even if it is consensual), I can’t stand it. I can’t stand seeing that because all that I see is myself being overpowered, again and again. I cannot feel the real intensity and grave ness of the situation that I went through every time (I cannot remember), but all I know is that clearly I dissociated all the time, and I feel like every time with “practice” I knew how to play my role very well. Maybe this is why after time (as I was physically assaulted most days), I learnt to give up on my body and my free will. Perhaps that is why, when I want to describe this weekly occurrence, I feel as if this was sexual assault when it wasn’t, and even now, I wish to use the word “assault” to characterize this abuse, as I feel more understood by that and it’s meaning.
I also wanted to add that in most cases I almost felt like I was dying (that is why when a character is on the verge of dying, it just brings me back to this place).

I hope again that I’m not offending any SA survivor, as I know that it happening in real life is different and adds to the trauma. I wanted to post and talk about this for once in my life, as I’ve been silent for so long. I also wanted to feel your support, because this community is the only thing that keeps me going in my trauma recovery journey. I did ask if this was offensive in my journal, and everyone understood and sent their support, but I still wanted to write the disclaimer (partly for myself as reassurance).
Thank you for reading this far.

Right now I'm thinking back to my therapy and therapist. I wanted to know if anyone else has dealt/ deals with this particular problem and what has helped them.
I am afraid of my therapist. Not because we always deal with difficult memories for the session (although this does affect me), but more because she is a stranger. I'm starting to feel the effects of being scared and frightened of her every time I come in. Although I know that men trigger me and I feel afraid, sometimes older women with authority also become triggers and I feel scared again. To come back to my point, I don't know what to do with this automatic response. Is this something to do with trust?

Tw: mention of physical abuse
Dear brother,

I don't know what to say. I was always afraid to talk to you because your mood would change immediately, and I never knew if I would get the bad side of it (the shoving, inducing intentional pain, the hitting). You changed so quickly. You would be nice to my mom after hitting me. You would smile to my mom right after using physical force on me to make me do something. I felt I was your punching bag. And I was.
I am broken today. You have made me broken. Because you could slip through the sidelines with your "brother" card, no one paid attention to us. Everything was pushed aside, parents probably hoping that it was nothing. And I hated them for a long time because of their naïvety, thinking that a blood brother would not harm their siblings too.
People here call a lot of their abusers as people with NPD, and maybe you are one. Maybe you are a narcissist with a personality disorder. I just could never talk with you. I could never be in the same room as you without being hyper vigilant, expecting something to go wrong this instant and to receive blows from you. And these days, I see you in so many people. When some start to behave like you did, I immediately see you; the big brother towering over the little sister.
I also hate being called your little sister. Or even sister. Because our relationship was never that what you see in the movies. I get triggered when I have to call myself sister.

Sincerely,
M.

Dear you (this person),
I don't know why I keep seeing you. I understand that we talked and I felt your compassion towards my problems that no one has ever shown to me (except some FOO members, but they have never been able to completely empathize as they are involved). I was equally surprised to receive empathy from a boy. But the feeling of meeting you again makes me scared. Because I have always been triggered by boys my age and even men. Whenever I have been in the vicinity of a man, I've always tried to leave the place or make a lot of space between us. But it scares me to think that I might meet you again. Because I don't know what you'll do. I have this fear inside of me that a man can overpower me. Mentally and physically. And so I have stayed clear of men.
And so I wish that we would not meet, because I'm afraid of that.

Sincerely.

I have never been able to talk about any kind of physical abuse that I've experienced to anyone. I've only mentioned it one or twice, but never felt connected to it, feeling far far away from it. I've just felt this shame for my whole life about it. It feels sometimes
Tw: mention of death
that this extreme shame can kill me.
In any case, I don't know if any one remembers, but a while back I discussed my struggles and inability to do any school work (and how it was extremely triggering). I've found, unfortunately, that it was the punishment that I would receive for giving wrong answers in my early life that I was flashing back to. Now, I don't know what to do about it. I know this seems a silly question, and maybe a bit ignorant, but I honestly don't know how to continue to live a life when I know how it is to be overpowered over your body, to have lived my young years in fear of my own body and having no control.
How do you cope with this?

Hi. I know that a previous member has talked about face masks being triggering, but I wanted to know if anyone has been feeling triggered with the mandatory curfews and wearing of mask on transport and in the city center.
I wanted to also preface that I'd still wear a mask even if it wasn't mandatory on public transport or in stores (I understand the logic behind it). But for these past 5 months since these measures were taken, I've been constantly triggered when I read or hear or talk about the fact that these measures are "mandatory". Especially when at hindsight, it seems as if everyone "finds it normal" and aren't fazed by it. It's just this imposing of rules is triggering me back to my childhood, when so many things were "mandatory" or I had no choice whether I want to do it or not, and this abuse was brushed off or even ignored by everyone around me.
I do understand the importance of the distancing measures, but the fact that it has become a rule and that you will be "punished" if not obliged (with a fine), is very triggering.

I don't know where to put this, so I'll just start here.

Tw: brief mention of de*th

Running is a big trigger for me. Or any physical exercise. The fact that my muscles hurt and I can't breathe properly just triggers this intense part (EF) to overwhelm me with feeling like dying and just unbearable pain. I've had this ever since middle school when we'd have physical exercise and we'd run. It was horrible and it just traumatized me even more. I was wondering if anyone else feels like this and if there are some soothing tricks that could help?

I don’t how to explain this very well, but I’ve been meaning to share this on this forum for some time.
In simple terms, when my cptsd symptoms are more present and (especially) before going to bed, I , most times, have trouble going to sleep before assuring myself that
I’ve eaten enough. If I’m having a bad day and unable to reassure myself, then I’ll constantly be worrying whether I had enough to eat for the night, and feel even more empty in my stomach making me to get up and eat something to reassure myself (in the kitchen). This also used to be the same thing with water (worrying if I had drunk enough), but for this I just took a bottle of water right next to my bed.

I’ve always felt this is normal. I’ve battled with this for my whole life, even from a young age. It isn’t because we didn’t have plenty of food, we did, but maybe because of past experiences in the kitchen with a sibling. I don’t really have much of an idea.

tw: heavy topic, mention of a*use---------------------

For these past months, I've realized that I have never been able to be angry at someone without being scared of being hurt physically back for that. Every time I have shown some sort of minor aggression (like ignoring a person, rolling eyes, etc.) in my life, I have immediately been afraid for my life, expecting punishment for how I'm acting. The thing is, it's still present today. And the fear for my safety is still very intense whenever I show "a tiny bit" of my anger or I find out that someone is angry at me. I'm just tired of feeling scared, so scared, when I assume a friend is angry at me (ignoring,etc.) or a family member. And I just don't find it fair that I have to go through agonizing torture just because this is a person that I care about.
I've told this to two people, but no one seems to understand this. I can't get any support from this.

Does anyone experience this? Or has?

Hi, so I know that maybe this has been talked about in other posts, but I don't know if I'm having the same thing as everyone else.

So, every time I go to sleep I have a dream, sometimes they are actual nightmares, but most times they are just dreams where I feel scared all the time, the same fear that I felt when I was young. This has been going on for months now, from the moment that I started acknowledging my past and emotions. The dreams sometimes mirror past life situations, but most times it's just a mix.
However, I'm realizing that I'm (the littles) are becoming more and more scared to sleep and become anxious when I start to feel like sleeping. But tbh, going to sleep has always been a fear of mine because of the conditions I have been: as painful as this is, most of my life I had my bed in my b's bedroom, so I was always afraid of making noise.

Hi, I've been wanting to know if someone has felt the same as I have.
Starting from yesterday, my body has been physically hurting so badly: my brain hurts and my muscles ache a lot. I kind of am freaking out inside because I don't know what's wrong with me.
I've people talk about "emotional physical pain", and I think I've had it, like pain in my stomach. But right now this is too much, it's like my body is in a flare up. Everything hurts.
I just wanted to know if anyone has any advice of what's happening (at this moment doing my own research is just too much).

TW: mention of "bad memories"

My life just feels so terrible right now. Yesterday, Friday, I had to do a thing with my m. But it just threw me off so badly. I've been dissociated since yesterday's night: I'm scared, I'm afraid for my life. I feel so vulnerable right now. I can't remember anything, who I am, my future desires and my needs. If I try to focus on one thing, only bad memories are coming to me. And I don't want to remember. I can't believe that those memories actually happened.
Now I am hearing a voice saying that what happened to me was never bad. People have had it worse. I've never been phy hurt, or maybe I don't remember. I think I have but...
The things is that before the disaster on Friday, I had been feeling kind of in control. I was aware of my triggers, I was grounding myself and unfolding more of myself and little me. I was feeling clearer than I've been in a long time. And I was happy with my previous therapy session.

I am hoping that writing this out, and posting it will allow me to see that what I feel is real. That I am hurt. I just don't know what to do, but I'm suspecting that having more responsibilities this next week is affecting my other parts really hard.

Hi, I wanted to share this experience to see if this is normal.
For my whole life, I think, homework has been a big trigger for myself. Every time I do an assignment, I am triggered and complete the work with dissociation and force (on myself to finish). However, today, while I was doing an assignment, I caught myself feeling like I deserved to go through the flashback, and that I deserved to feel the 'bad' emotions; therefore I wasn't able to become aware of the flashback and step back from my work (for a break).
I was wondering if for anyone else they continue to trigger themselves voluntarily because they think they 'deserve it'?

Hi, I just wanted to write this out as it's been bothering me for the past days.
I've been feeling intense guilt and shame over my life, and it's been physically painful too. I can't really do anything, and I keep on being dissociated because of the intensity of my emotions. It is true that I've felt like this in my childhood, and that's maybe why the intense shame is a trigger. But I can't even think straight, and I feel so scared and just want to curl up and disappear.

Hi, yesterday and today I tried to do some "self-care" stuff. I intentionally told myself that I can do whatever I want that makes me feel calmer and better, like reading, watching videos, coloring. The thing is, that after 10 min or so, I get triggered, and then it takes me a while to "calm down". It's frustrating because I am trying to help myself, curl up in a blanket with my toys and read, but after some minutes I get triggered and feel so much worse than I started, like angry, tired, etc.
I just want to know if someone knows why this is happening to me, and what can I do to help, because I'm trying to soothe my inner self but I can't in the end.

Hi, I'm new here and I just wanted to ask, what to do when your therapist does not have any knowledge on complex ptsd? Will the therapy still work? I have tried 2 sessions of "talk therapy" but it only made it worse (I got really scared at the end of the last one), and so my first session has been with hypnosis. I wanted to know if I can still manage with my therapist even if she has no knowledge of C-ptsd.
Thanks in advance.