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www.boredpanda.com/anxiety-comics-funny-illustrations-gemma-correll

This has been going on for a very long time, Im well past being blindsided and know the cause and effects and what to expect from my shot sympathetic nervous system. Lately my whole universe has been up-heaved again the losses weigh heaver then I think you can expect anyone to keep sanity. Two years has past, I feel maybe Im done grieving and have more of a understanding and handle on whats going on in myself then ever. My endless issue is the demands people feel entitled too..   

I just wish people would not ask, I keep it all to myself, they cant relate and I get another rehash of the "just get over it, or someone painting some kinda comparison of their or someone elses plight as if its going to what? Change whats been physically destroyed in my brain? Motivate me or something? Its not like Im whining about it, THEY are the ones that brought it up to begin with! ARGHH..

Ok so I can be slightly hostile on the subject, and that is something apparently I have no right to either. As a male weakness is intolerable, its like I cant escape the continual beatings across so many levels. Heres a short list of what life has taught me and how taboo Im starting to feel my whole exsistance has become..

1. Anything that creates or brings lasting happiness to a persons life is a commodity that there is a mob of people ready to steal it all from you or punish you for having.

I never had many dreams or expectations. Life is unfair and a life that I have to fight constantly is not a life Im cut out to live. I never even considered I could have a family, Iv taken the relationship card off the table all together. Its even worst I had that for a short time and a son and was very happy before it all was manipulated away, everyone wants what they want, I am discarded yet again, such is the pattern.

2. If your seen as smart people have a tendency to raise you higher or put themselves lower. The natural result of this position leads to resentment, competition, and pretenses to destroy you and enjoy your suffering guilt free by villionizing you the second you no longer serve their needs, or chafe their insecurities.

I cant escape it, my entire life Im seen as the smart able guy, the person who is best qualified to "get it done" or who knows stuff. Sure when I put it like that it sounds like a great trait to have, its *. People want me to solve their problems for them and watch everything good in my life burn to cinders and put me in my place since they misfiled me in the first place.

Iv become rather stoic, I hurt a lot, I must not hide it well enough anymore. "Am I okay" no but its not like I can talk about it. Its apparently ok to shove this other concept down your throat too the "cant you just be positive and happy" speech. Again its not like I run around complaining or catastriphizing, if you beat me up untill I have to talk to make you comfortable its going to go one of two ways, Im going to be bored and distant or anxious and shut down because your saddling me with your expectations, or I do talk and being so familiar with getting beat up with the darker aspects of human nature (which I can see as just part of the whole) and speak matter of factually is too much for people. They turn a blind eye to themselves and I tend to spell things out in a way denial wont help cover. I have nothing to say to anyone anymore, I just hurt people and all they do is hurt me. Even the fact that Im wise enough to abandon the relationship and not submit myself the the anxiety induced by someone playing with my emotions, and them getting attached to someone so ruined it will just hurt them, is unacceptable I allways get what I call the "your just too jaded and shouldent give up on love" speech.

My exsistance is offensive, and the things people tell me is for their own benefit, they self validate their own beliefs and systems of coping with an unkind reality. And with that everything is completely taken away from me. Im thoroughly invalidated, they take my voice, my frustration, my very real daily struggle is mere whining, Im not allowed any of it. I may be even slightly passively suicidal at this point Im undone not having to look at another day of this would be a relief, given the circumstances its a reasonable feeling, BUT even that is an offense! Because most are afraid of something heading everyones way on a long enough timeline, so you get another "speech of what I need to be true to cope" I am comfortable in my refuge of silence, of hobbies, or books, and film, my isolation, but even then they come to drag you out into the light and stab you with their sticks until they themselves are satisfied with the unpleasantness you turn in themselfs. Just listening to these self appointed "Fixers" in the speeches they force on you, you can see the intimate details of the glue they use to cope, silence invites so much out of people.

Im out of ideas, I dont have the energy to act. The farther I try to get away it seems the more of a draw I have, and being a cornered thing I am offensive to their natures. I am allways weary of an inner critic, its taken years of a grain of salt of self blame and observations, these effects are real and happening in those around myself, not warped perception.

Iv seen Pixars "inside out" and loved it, I also have seen movies like "As good as it gets" and "Anger Management" Im sure there is a whole world of movies based on psychology Im missing out on.... anyone have any favorites

https://vimeo.com/123004006

Let them know why you feel so sick and are spacy at times or pretend to be normal because they dont really understand what it means anyway?

Its problematic and having people worried gets to be a hassle, worst when they assume your on drugs or something, maddening when explaining just gets you the "just get over it speech" as if your matter of fact explanation for your situation is whining.

And they wonder why I isolate... And spare me the every situation is different because the abuse I seem to get in turn for being sick is the same please, iv been living with this too long and working with people and certain situations I have to offer something sometimes Im not sure how to deal......

I stumbled here a few years ago, I wasent ready then. I have been stumbling and sorting the physical ailments of this anxiety disorder breaking patterns of dysfunctional coping. Im past that phase and starting to really pick at and understand my core issues.
Im 31 and this is a specter that has shaped who I am, and affected my decisions my entire life, conscious or not of it.
I am the stepchild of a man who was so threatened by my existence he effectively severed my emotional connection to my mother my self my life. I shut down and spent the years untill I turned 18 and moved out in a sort of dissociative fog. Run by a deep anxiety disorder I withdrew I could not handle the bully at home at school, I wandered in a sort of auto pilot thru most of my life.
Even moving out with no support life is just a struggle I cant handle cycles of depression of falling apart of running from this thing that knaws at my insides..
That was my normal about 5 years ago things came to a head, my ex left me and a series of events left me homeless one November in Chicago shattered... my hands were shaking I felt physically Ill, adrenaline constantly flow from my veins, I didnt sleep, going forward was a wall I could not describe, the world is not kind to this.
I spent 3 weeks in a ward trying to get help, they gave me Paxil which numbed me further then I already was suffering and tried to sell me CBT when im plenty cognitive allready and emotions follow their own rules in the brain. Someone tried to sell me spiritual bypassing... the system as a whole is inadequate and disgusts me, if I kept following the path they would set for me Id be stuck in a victim mindset getting worst.
With it in my awareness I had to become knowledgeable as to how things work in my own body and where things connect I educated myself... I learned to stand up and see myself for what I was and stopped trying to live up to unreasonable expectations ignored those who ignorance invalidate my catastrophic amounts of damage.
My ex came back around I took her back I understood her damage greater then myself she did not act in malice and I showed er compassion because I loved her. We had a kid or more accurately I used to have a family, her family the situation Ill leave it at the cards get stacked against you to a point that can be ridiculous..and what ever I had going for me that was healthy was cruelly manipulated and stolen from me.... and I am alone again just another crushing layer of trauma. 

I know CPTSD and that cycle of anxiety and dissociation from ones emotional brain is the root of the cycle of depression, that numbing of the senses and inability to feel anything and connected to your own life renders a breakdown of systems of meaning, the touch stones our humanity follows.. I know the connections, I watch the process in myself. But understanding brings me no solace, being blindsided and confusion just gets replaced with a quiet matter of fact reality, and uttering such truths in the ears of those more normal only grazes the darker parts that lie dormant or unresolved in hearts of every person. The systems they build to manage and suppress those ugly things can come undone at the mere suggestion and dissection of your own miserable experience. To talk to others as I do is like dark a witchcraft that sends recoil down the spines of those fortune has been kinder too. And to be silent only sends those same people knocking at your gates for its unacceptable, so you find yourself doing the most painful thing and acting out an inner life more normal taxing your already strained faculty out of compassion for those whos hearts you tread on, alone, feeling it would be better to be more totally alone for it is easier even if not better for your own health.

I have never been one for please and thank you, unless I really feel it.
I always figured it was just me, ten my sister related the same feeling...
Those exercises where you are asked the simplest questions are the hardest for me, "What are you grateful for?"
Its not that I dont savor moments I do, often. But Maybe my own standards are warped, It meets me with frustration, expected gratitude I find resentment in my own heart. I do what I must then the next thing after that, I do for you, I do for me.
To have a feeling demanded from me is a pressure I cant cope with, I fall apart. To invest into the expectations of others is like a death sentence for me, Its not that I have no appreciation, I dont know
Is it just me.... 

Its common that CPTSD sufferers have little or no close attachments to others, because that capacity leaves us.
I am loved by many people who have graciously put me in their hearts, and the wall of disassociation, this muting of that emotional capacity to really connect leaves me feeling miles from everyone in my social life. Like some ungrateful house cat I enter their lives they project their natures on me and I simply stay the beast I am, this highly functioning emotionally castrated sociopath. This broken person who just wants to break down and cry, whos biology has turned against him. Yet every time I open that door, try to feel and connect show that side, those same people just feel helpless in the face of that and  turn on you out of frustration and the compelling urge to act on the emotions you have stirred. Ignorance of anxiety disorders and hurtful nonchalant statements "Just get over it" "You need to man up" Whats more heartbreaking then the person you love the most throwing their hands up and leaving you when you just wanted to be close to someone who is there for you. I cant tell if this is getting better or worst anymore...

Oh wow this site got an overhaul, I havent been around for a while..
It is exactly as the site is named, this fog of disassociation is a * of thing, the more you educate yourself the more you move your perspective away from that ground zero point where you dont have the perspective to see yourself or the situation.
My mantra these days has been cultivating emotional intelligence..
Emotions follow their own rules and processes and nuro pathways in different parts of your brain, so in my humble opinion eating a buncha emotion suppressing SSRI's and doing Cognitive Behavioral  Therapy to rationally suppress emotions as a fix for this is the stupidest thing I ever heard of. Maybe even more damaging in the long run...
My CPTSD has robbed me of so much emotional depth as it is leaving a disconnected Highly functioning sociopath of a shell, feeling anything with real depth just opens the flood gates of pain, and sets off my anxiety biology machine rendering me useless as the protagonist in my own life. 
I connect the dots, I read the books, I end up here.. Hello again.   

Its pretty clear to me at this point where everything is broken, I was robbed of the resources to get a life together from the start and now I feel robbed of the resources to get better. I have no money, my nerves have been cooked beyond reason, sure Ill find another job that pays little eventually, but even when I talk to people that should be helpful with this they just wanna shove emotion muting pills at you, the same emotions that need to be reprocessed. I need grounding I need attachments but have started to avoid them alltoghether. The desire for them has gone... and when you have attachment issues you need attachments to work on lol. Iv found that few people in this world even care, and the ones that do, cant do or wont do much for me. I dont want to live a half life, I dont want this muddled sense of self, the fog of derealization, and the physical suffering my body puts me through in the face of stressors, the emotional disassociation. Relationships ground me in healthy ways but at the moment I feel so outta sorts a burden on myself yet alone anyone else.. and fear a lot of fear iv been hurt so bad when I talk about it I feel as if im talking about someone else. I have a direction I want to go but even thinking about it becomes paralyzing, im stuck Im not sure how to move forward anymore...   
And thats a problem, I cant just go thru the motions and lead a meaningless existence ya know, Ill find my balance find some work distract myself some more, but this will be here just as it is waiting... I need to be proactive but Im not sure what to do anymore.. I cant be the only one who found such a position here which way is forward? Im outta sorts.

I don't know where to start so Ill start at the beginning. There is not a time in my life I don't remember being emotionally withdrawn and reserved, trust was something I learned adults were unworthy of, maybe I was sharp IDK but anything I liked was just a tool used to manipulate and control me with, I came into this world full of resentment and isolated myself. My stepfather entered the picture when I was very little maybe 5 or 6 jealous and possessive of my mothers attention he was abusive, verbally allways on the edge of physically hurting me that's where she drew the line. I lot of my memory is gone, when I dig I can unearth stuff but in reality I spent my time until I was 19 in this fog of derealization.. once I remember we were sitting on the couch and I dared lean on my mother (something bold, I don't know what made me risk that) He flipped out, I was isolated before but that day there was a finality to it. I had my family but might has well have been living alone. A buncha stuff happened but it all mostly slips my mind, when my sisters talk about the past and growing up for me its as if they are talking about someone else. My mother says I just remember the bad stuff, marginalizes it.
I had this bully at home and kids are horrible at school, and then I had these teachers, these authority figures shoving work at me trying to use incentives I didn't care about or understand, in second grade my nerves were shot, I simply didn't even have it in me thru the hate and anger and resentment being forced to do assignments and the endless fear and abuse that made up my life... this continued until I turned 18 graduated highschool I never rebelled I shut down, to do anything, to give anyone anything was more ammunition to ruin the little peace I had left for myself. I moved out after six months of working at this burger joint I broke down couldn't keep going like I couldn't do school work... I went to my aunt who told me the longest time to move out there and get away from what I suspect she had some idea what I was dealing with, but her lover just lost her mother and brother and took it out on my presence in their house betrayed again I moved into a boarding house payed more rent then I could afford to live and suffered in silence for a year and a half.. fell in love with a girl that act made me take down walls i didn't even know i had around myself and hurt even worst when she betrayed me because she hated herself, I'm 31 now all this time Iv never got paid enough to live, people steal everything they want from me if they can, when I was 22 I moved to FL with the sole intent to buy a boat to live on find a sustainable existence, and even then the isolation the pain would rip my world apart and send ever searching for healthy attachments, stable situations, and the world is cruel A man with no money, I have no social value, no one will help me, I struggled even when I found work it never paid anything I could live on.. the struggle wears me down. The first time my anxiety got to the point of concern life fell apart no job, no boat, I ode a bicycle 1200 miles to chicago, the horizon was the only thing in my world that didn't feel like my nerves ripping my body apart, I was broken I didn't know how but something was wrong with me, I rode until I could not ride anymore... I met the woman I spent the last 8 yrs with at the end of that trip, and that relationship gave me stability, and when she threatened it being stupid I fell apart, got physically ill.. she left twice nd the influences I understood I took her back, her breakdowns made her weak and everyone wanted what they wanted for themselves out of her that surrounded her, her family, her firends... I learned I could live without her. But I understood her.. I thought she was above all that she got pregnant I this x-mas I have a son that will be turning 2, I will never see him or her again, she fell apart and took everything, she breaksdown and the man she was intent on being married to is just negotiable in her life.. she let me down the second time she left me the turn of events left me homeless in the middle of winter, no one would help me, I learned I had an anxiety disorder, and was bad it was 2 yrs researching and recovering and figuring it out, she got erratic and pushed and I got ill from it, she could not put everything on me so she abandoned me, after carrying her for 8 years. a lot happened in between I guess but it reads like a Greek tragedy, no matter what I do I get a loosing hand. huge blocks of time are just gone, I'm often like an animal I wake up and its as if this is how it has allways been, nothing has happenedbefore this day, I'm numb. I manage.. Iv started thinking and handling a lot of things differently, I'm becoming more emotionally intelligent. But I'm on the edge.. I have a another boat, I isolate I make myself happy, even when I feel like death my attitude is Tully one that's positive... Iv become a Buddhist over the years, Zen allways made sense to me. The way the world really is is something Iv allways had to accept... life is like this, I conquer my delusions. But I'm here and entering a new phase of my life.. I don't know what this means. I'm not fit for the relationships I need, I feel great but perhaps Its just I have nothing left to loose anymore so I'm carefree, I really don't knowanymore, its been a while since iv seen my life in such a diffrent angle.

So a few years ago things got bad, like last straw homeless in Chicago in the middle of winter after a horrible chain of events. Never could keep it together I kept falling apart, all I knew I was Ill equipped to live how everyone else managed, I kept crumbling, no support from anyone, never getting paid enough to live, and everytime I fell it was face first because I am a man. So after that I had to do a lot of research and work, I floundered along for so long... and now here I am 31 realizing my nerves have been shot out since at least 2nd grade. And all the words I ever had was I cant I just cant after a certain point. And society is pretty merciless so I struggled, I still am, but I have awareness and that has made all the difference.   
Im over this blindsided phase, and will not submit to this quasi clinical victim mentality.. At times anxiety disorders have more in common with diabetes then psychological disorders, true understanding and what it means is beyond anyone not suffering with one... and pills just mute emotions needed to be processed to repair damage.. its barbaric. C-PTSD seems to no be recognized officially I have too many firends that get labeled GAD and they call it a day, or PTSD.. so my even being here is hard earned knowledge...
So yeah here I am...