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I've been doing so well for months with flashbacks. Especially making some big changes in my life, which have greatly lowered my anxiety levels/adrenaline at a base level.

A couple triggers have hit me these past couple weeks and now I realize I've been in a flashback this whole time, especially whilst more closely gauging my mood and perception - and a stealthy inner child who has thrown me off! I.e. suddenly my partner seems unsafe and I need to leave because of things he said in a mood but then apologized for (and my go-to CPTSD coping urge is leaving, which I did with my family as a teen and it was a very effective survival tactic....some part of me goes back to it again and again.)

But in the meantime I'm hurting him by completely overlooking and discounting the really good and safety-building things he does, and then I'm scared of abandonment from my being too much for him. He is trying to have my back in some ways but he's not good at it, and I wonder if I'm just punishing him needlessly.

"People perfectionism" runs amok in my flashbacks... triggers or unsafe behavior can make me feel entirely different about even the closest of friends. I hate this. Yesterday, a close friend of mine for years posted something triggering and it made me completely spin out and get emotional and tearful and feel completely different about him, and in a way that completely eclipsed the mutual understanding we should have for others and where they are at in life (and in their own relationships with others).

It's really hard navigating flashbacks when these experiences have felt like they've been a part of my personality all my life. I'm so used to them. When the feelings set in they're so sneaky. It's difficult to think of as this "separate" brain process that is high jacking things and not part of my personality, and to catch it. It's also really, really hard to realize these low points are *not* reality.

It's hard to tell my partner that I think I'm having a flashback because I'm not a war veteran.

It's hard to tell myself yes, this is a flashback, when I'm not in some catatonic or fugue state and work on getting back to reality again.

Then it feels like I'm just built to sabotage relationships. 

Can anyone relate? Catching and accepting flashbacks before they get destructive is so hard....

I got hit hard with some rough emotions today, they surprised me. While searching for important legal documents in my storage, I found some childhood things brought to me years ago from my mother. I found a bunch of the papers, cards, and drawings that she's kept over the years from when I was a little kid.

*Trigger warning - just because I got triggered, I don't know if this will be rough, themes of self-loathing*

So much of what she kept over the years felt like nothing but evidence of how much she loved me and how she was good to me. I found notes from my dad too, which was even stranger, as he was far more abusive (PA/SA, but my M cornered the EA/Neglect aspect pretty good). They were sweet, proud of me, and supportive in all they wrote. I did find letters/diary entries, though, that revealed some of my struggles at the time (ages 4 to about 11) about not being able to make friends, being unable to trust people, being bullied (at home, school, and church), getting extremely quiet (freezing) when something was wrong and not being able to emote, and my strained and sometimes abusive relationships with some of my siblings, so at least there's that.

I think I was triggered by how easily erasable my memories are with no physical evidence, and how much I didn't like myself. I found myself subconsciously looking for evidence of what I've recovered the last year or so with CPTSD, but found very little - someone would find this and think I had an amazing childhood probably with unconditionally loving parents. I didn't think much of it, consciously. Then all of a sudden, I felt just very, very, very sick and ill, nauseous. I doubled over at one point. Maybe I really was just a difficult handful of a kid, innately, and my parents (M especially) did their best, and I was just genuinely odd, unlikable, unlovable, that's why I struggled so much. They just didn't know what to do with me. The kid I was, was such a strange, pinched, lonely, dysfunctional, and self-loathing child that seemed to alienate everyone, and all that self-loathing came right back up for me. I looked at that kid that I was and I hated her, which is really not good for inner child work.

I've come a long way to be the adult I am, from that child that hated herself without really knowing it. But I see it so clearly now. And it was mostly emotional abuse and neglect, the opinions of family and everyone else, that pounded so hard on me, that's what CPTSD recovery has shown me. But it's so hard that it can be so easily hidden, the EA and neglect. It was so retriggering that my body reacted while my mind was just confused. I guess that could be evidence that it really happened, too. Emotional abuse is the worst.

Hi all - I've recently gone NC with ALL family. Every once in a while (like now) I get filled with doubt and think about scootching back to VLC, that I've been unfair and haven't given FOO a chance to explain themselves, that it's all happening too quickly for them, I'm being too hasty. (I mean, all of this snowballed in under 1-2 years). But then I think about what responses I might get if I open that door again. Gaslighting, minimizing, projecting, more emotional abuse piled on.

It's like it takes everything in my power to keep the door closed. A close friend of mine said it's like being an alcoholic, it's a cold, hard choice you just have to make everyday, there's no reward or even satisfaction sometimes, you just know you got to do it to stay healthy. There's no closure, the itch never goes away. But that's what I'm wondering about.

Has anyone here felt closure, or they could pinpoint the moment where they knew that NC was needed, potentially for a long time, potentially for good? Like it was the "sign" they were waiting for and it was an overwhelming message. And it just felt....right. And you go back to that moment, again and again, to draw the strength you need to keep NC? Or is there just always doubt, always guilt?

My moments have been so intense but even then I still doubt them. Someone with strong, healthy boundaries would find the behavior absolutely unacceptable and get the **** outta there, and I would find it completely reasonable when I put myself in the shoes of an outsider looking in. But even after the PD in my FOO completely smeared me, isolated me from the rest of my family, triangulated them against me and turned them into flying monkeys....and then spread ideas around that my spouse is physically abusive to myself and others (though he definitely isnt, and PD was even willing to attempt to contact his ex to dig up dirt on him, even though PD would find nothing....) all these things that are grossly untrue to still get at me, why do I still feel like I'm being the "unfair" one?

Was there a strong moment if clarity for any of you? Things are so ridiculous and I still feel so foggy ( FOGgy). Will it ever end. Thank you in advance. 

Is every negative emotion an EF and I just need to accept and treat it that way?

Once an EF finds one way to get in and I block it off/work through it, it just finds another way (if that makes sense). Lately how they're creeping in is through depression. Before it was anxiety and/or other emotions, which some part of me doesn't want to associate with EFs. I don't know why, it must be built in denial that nothing is wrong with me, which I learned from FOO. (I learned throughout my entire childhood that I wasn't depressed when I actually was.... severely).

So the logical thing to do: head off all negative emotions. Right? I tell myself "this isn't an EF, I'm just feeling sort of sad about A, B, or C today and it has nothing to do with my past." I might briefly entertain the emotion. I don't do any flashbacks management/methods because I don't think I need them just yet. Then bam, before I know it, an EF already has me on my knees.

How do y'all handle it? Do you think this is a good approach? Hit the EF workbook at even the slightest whiff of negative thought processes? I thought maybe I can just have bad days without EF fears but maybe I can't and the work I must do is daily work, which really challenges my default denial mindset about all this.

Feeling very alone and isolated lately which is making the struggle at it's worst... quarantine, no friends, plus  experiencing major ostracism, abandonment, and neglect from FOO members right now (or I should say, I'm reexperiencing it all over again). It takes me straight back to my childhood in my mind on a regular basis, and I can't seem to shake it...especially depression, non-stop guilt, and shame that they're treating me this way.

TIA 

Hi all -

I've been self-employed for a long time now... Reading through posts here I realize I probably chose this path because working with others triggered me too much (and I only realized the reasons why a year ago, because of my CPTSD diagnosis, but it makes so much sense).

I work with clients online from home as a writer. Today one of my most money-making clients abruptly ended our working relationship, citing "budgetary and resource constraints" all by message of course. I really do not like actually talking with clients face to face or on phone, it can really stress me out, I feel like every time they would hear my voice or even see what I look like, a voice in my head tells me "they will immediately question why they even work with you when they actually come in contact with your personality in real life... "

I fight thoughts like this often... And this client dropping me (though it could be related to coronavirus affecting economy...I try to tell myself this is the more likely scenario!) has me reeling and picking myself apart about how/why it was my fault it happened. I kind of followed up about working with them again in the future when things are better, but received nothing in response.

Do I charge too much? Am I really not worth the money to them? Did I rub them wrong, even through messages? Was I too difficult? Did they only let me go and keep everyone else? Am I doomed in this line of work because of who I innately am?

These questions plague me... How do you all combat the self-doubt, the picking yourself apart when there could be more objective reasons for certain things happening at your work or in your career? I can't seem to shake it, on top of the very real financial worries. Thoughts appreciated... And thank you 

[On the bright side, I had my younger sister's support...for a time.]

Hi all - this is the first topic I've ever started... I'm nervous. But I think the pain and loneliness of what I'm experiencing is far greater than my fear. I'd love some advice...or anything...or to hear if someone else went through something like this that is/was similar, just so I feel less alone. (I'm also so sorry if this is long...)

I was diagnosed C-PTSD last winter and I'm in therapy. Over the last year, I've slowly been opening up and confronting some family members about it and its many causes, but it's not gone well (and reading through all the FOO I finally have an idea of how common this really is).

I was the SG for my older siblings while they themselves experienced many shades of abuse/neglect from our parents, which I also experienced too. I was very much shamed for being emotional in any way, shape, or form, often singled out/ganged up on for this a lot – and for my entire life, the unspoken family "story"/"rule" is that only my older sister experienced abuse/neglect, the rest of us turned out just fine (not true, as I discovered going to therapy last year...)

Despite the healing this diagnosis has brought to my life, the denial/manipulation is so re-triggering. Unexplained flashbacks have improved, but now family is a new and bewildering source of triggers, during recovery, and it interferes deeply with my life regularly now. It's definitely beaten up my marriage...bless hubby for being so resilient (the reason I sought treatment/diagnosis in the first place: saving my marriage, as my husband would, unknowingly to both of us, trigger me with some things).

On the bright side, I had my younger sister's support...for a time. She has been the only real good, close, and safe relationship I've had with a family member (though to be honest, I always felt close to my mom and older sister, but since opening up about my mental health, this illusion shattered). We've even considered ourselves best friends since high school and have been extremely close. We could be ourselves around one another, talk about anything, and feel mutually like we never experienced judgment. We looked after each other better than all other members of our family imho.

But then things began to change. She's always been a bit of a people pleaser, a chameleon, showing different faces to different people. I began to see fawning/enabling traits in her around family members and the more I learned about family dynamics/roles. But I never thought it would go down this road. Even though I've mostly trusted her and felt we could talk openly/honestly about other family members (and about pretty much anything under the sky), I outright asked for her confidence and to keep things from my mom and older sister for now, so I could talk/ease them into the topic more slowly when they were ready, and so no one could get hurt.

Then communications with my mother and other sister started to get strange, as if they were addressing things she told them about what I told her. Worse, they both started to manipulate/guilt me with it - especially my older sister (who I suspect is uNPD), who tried to devolve me and my younger sister's relationship into "me using her as my therapist."  I think she might have been jealous of our sister relationship for a long time - though we had a fairly close relationship ourselves talking about her issues very frequently, before she started alienating me and pushing me away.

During an intense marathon conversation a few months ago, she said more stuff that seemed based on things I'd only told my younger sister. Based on things my younger sister told older sister too, she tried to project all my problems onto my husband and paint him as an abuser, and then said we were both "mean people" (because my husband confronted her on saying racially problematic things a couple times and I didn't get involved). The worst part: she questioned/minimized memories of my abuse/neglect that would come anywhere near to what she experienced.  She also undermined it all by claiming I wasn't seeing the right therapist, even though she had been through this very same thing with other FOO and aired these very same types of grievances with me before I was diagnosed. (So this all could have only happened to her...? Impossible that it could have happened to me?)

My mom, on the other hand, just played the "guilt" hand: acting sad, hurt, the one who had truly been wronged (and this happened out of nowhere before I even talked to her about anything), and then completely avoided the subject and went out of her way not to talk to me much, but especially about this. I skipped family holidays this year for protection from all this, and got very negative reactions when I did. Nothing but a sense of hurt and from her, no sympathy, as if trying to goad me into saying "I'm sorry" and "Are you alright?" (When I never got those questions from her/older sister amidst all this).

When I next saw my younger sister after all that (back in November before the holidays) she admitted to me that she did betray my trust. I didn't even make her feel bad about it or guilt her, but expressed how saddened I was that she was so overwhelmed she felt the need to vent to family members who weren't ready to hear about this yet—and that I had to hear it from them, which was really hard for me. I didn't express to her that they were using what she told them in hurtful/manipulative ways because I didn't want to even come close to "talking trash" (and she could possibly tell them all that, too, and this would all just become worse). I told her she could always trust me and be honest with me, and speak her true feelings (and have never given her reason not to!). I didn't want this to be a blow for her...in fact, I want to be a good older sibling to her, to let her know that my love for her is unconditional when my love from other family members has been conditional.

She burst into tears saying she had been overwhelmed (understandable!) because my revelations really change the family narrative, and it is a shock. I comforted her and gave her my sympathy/empathy (funny how I'm doing all the comforting...). But I received nothing from her in return that gave me any notion she felt regret or remorse for breaking my trust.

In fact, since then, she has been defensive of other family members, has somewhat echoed hurtful things my uNPD older sister said to me (even projecting onto my husband too as if he's an abuser, even asking if he hit me??? which is ridiculous - and all this based on talking about the things he does that unknowingly trigger me). She even became angry with me after a text exchange discussing things between me and my mother (after which she asked that we don't see each other for a month because she was overwhelmed, a request I respected without complaint or batting an eye).

I can't help but think she's been talking to all of them behind my back about everything and that breaking my trust wasn't ever because she was overwhelmed. It's because she secretly disagrees with my experiences, or someone is influencing her to be skeptical....my older sister? My mother? . We've always had a trusting relationship, why would she be scared to open up about being overwhelmed now? It all didn't add up.

Everything since that moment has been different. I'm feeling like I've lost my best and most supportive friend, my younger sister, someone I considered a "rock" my whole life, to the influence/toxicity of other family members. I wonder if this is her way of trying to run around, please everyone, make us all happy, true to a "fawning" nature I see in her more and more.

I sometimes feel like I'm breaking and that this is all my fault. I'm torn between providing her with a positive presence to counteract the toxic ones from other family members, and being increasingly more and more triggered by the loss of trust, having EF's afterward that debilitate me and affect my marriage. I'm also deeply torn between LC or moving towards NC with little sister, and it's breaking my heart....especially because I've never been close with anyone as I have with her, besides my husband, and I have very severe issues with closeness and trust. I feel alone and desolate and without family. And often wonder if I'm going crazy.

I had an especially bad EF the other day when little sister suddenly opened up about her own relationship problems with her BF. Then, she said, "Please keep this from mom and don't tell her." After she broke my confidence? After she shared details about my relationship and lots of other things, and I asked her not to....and then that info I told her was used to shame/guilt me/undermine my progress?

Sorry for this long and messy message. This has really been tearing me apart...advice, commiseration, perspective, anyone who's been through the same thing, I'm all ears. Is she just fawning? Or is there some NPD I never noticed (in my mom too)? Or both fawning and NPD? Or should I not distance myself? But what about the triggers and EFs caused by her that are increasing when I'm mostly doing well at other times...?

One of the very few things I thought I'd never lose in my life, I'm losing...thoughts appreciated.... and thank you in advance 

Hi there everyone. I joined this board a few weeks ago and have posted a little bit on other threads, but figured it was time I officially say hi. 

I was diagnosed with C-PTSD last winter - to much relief finally at 31 years old, and too many years sensing something not quite right with my mental health; but as I'm sure many of you know all too well, it's been a rollercoaster and extremely painful even though it's brought amazing perspective into my life and helped me face the truth and find healing...

I'm coming to terms with family emotional abuse, negligence, and some recovered memories of physical/sexual abuse. I'm in the process of both opening up about all of it with family and painfully re-negotiating boundaries with them after I've been met with an overwhelming wave response of apathy, minimization, and denial... And even losing close relationships with some of them that I thought truly deeply cared about me.

I'm learning to realize better that I experience flashbacks almost all the time when I only ever thought I was just emotionally sensitive and flawed (and shamed/punished for it as a child, shame continues today...)

Anyways, it's been extremely lonely. Few to no friends to talk about it with, loss of closeness with family (or maybe the illusion of closeness has finally been shattered) and a partner who is wonderful but not perfect at understanding and does the best he can...

My hope is to connect and not feel so alone.... And maybe I can do the same in return for at least some of you  Looking forward to participating and sharing and being in the presence of people who will better understand all this, and meeting all of you. Thank you in advance...