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Topics - I like vanilla

#1
I am not quite sure where this one ought to be posted but since it is related to the fact face masks are **HUGELY TRIGGERING** for me, I am putting it in the triggers section.

I am also recognizing that this is a controversial topic and that I might again get ad hominem comments on this board. However, I did want to let others in a similar situation to me know that there might be a potential option out there to help us. This posting is for those of us who are triggered by wearing face masks so that it is difficult if not impossible to wear one. It is also those who have, or who know someone who has, a good reason (e.g. physical, mental, and/or emotional health) for not being able to wear a face mask. I am in NO way advocating against face masks nor am I making judgements about those who wear them (though for the record I generally feel favourably to people who do). I am simply pointing out an option that might be helpful to those of us who have good reasons to not wear a mask, because some of us do have good reasons for not being able to wear a face mask even though we still wish to be good citizens of our communities.


A friend of mine, knowing of my inability to wear a face mask, recently suggested to me to try a face shield instead. I did not know that that was even an option, or even exactly what that was so I looked it up (part of the reason I am posting here because others might also not know about it). A face shield is like a clear, plastic visor that, well, shields your face. It hangs across the wear's face off a band that goes around the top of a wear's head. Ideally, a face shield for disease protection should go from ear-to-ear and extend lower than your chin (based on what I have read on the internet about them). Another friend let me borrow her shop face shield (yes, we managed it from from 2 m apart with appropriate cleaning and disinfecting). For me, the face shield was wonderful. I found it to be different enough from a face mask that it was not triggering for me. The only downside for me was that the shield was a bit heavy, but that is because it was a shop shield designed to protect people from potentially flying bits of metal, machinery, etc. in a fabrication shop (it also serves the covid-19 purposes but is too much for just covid-19 shielding). The ones designed for disease control are much more light weight. I also learned that while not as easily available as face masks, a drugstore chain where I live does carry them. I did not check online but imagine there are sources there. Also, there are directions to make your own, including some patterns to run on 3D printers (not an option for everyone but I have a couple of friends who have 3D printers and I am hoping they will try it).

I know that others might have a different experience, and that still others have underlying reasons to not cover their faces or to not have something around their heads, etc. that would negate the option of face shields, and I send sympathy to everyone in these situations. However, for at least some of us who want to (and/or who are being legally mandated to) participate in this part of the covid-19 safety practices but who have physical, emotional, psychological, or other real barriers to do so, a face shield might be an option that allows us to go out of our homes and participate in activities like those who are able to wear face masks. That said, I am no lawyer, so do not know how legal officials will respond to the face shields vs. masks in various regions where masks are mandated. I am fortunate that while they are encouraged here, masks are not mandatory where I live, but I do plan to wear a shield now on public transit and for similar activities. I do know that health care and government officials in a growing number of places are arguing that face shields also be an allowed option.

Right now, the research about face shields, especially covid-19 specific data, is disappointingly lacking, though I read recently that a number of labs have been doing the testing - hopefully, we will have results out soon. However, using and extrapolating from other research (e.g. related to the Spanish Flu), looking at how the average person uses cloth face masks, and adding information about what we know about the covid-19 virus, many health-care professionals are arguing in favour of face shields as a viable alternative to face masks. (see I do know about science - I actually am, in fact, a scientist - sorry defensive response from above-mentioned ad hominem comments).

For example, an infectious disease expert from John Hopkins Centre for Health Security recently (June 2020) said that the most important strategies remain: wash our hands frequently, avoid touching our faces, and keep at least 2 m apart from each other as much as possible (agreeing with experts worldwide) but then also noted that face shields might eventually supplant face masks because the shields have the added benefits of keeping us from touching our faces and of protecting our eyes (agreeing with a growing number of healthcare professionals and infections disease experts). Finally, he said that more research is being done. So, hopefully we will have some solid data soon. I would post the article but the licensing terms that I agreed to to use the journal articles database, and the copyright laws of my country, prevent me from doing so. I will, however, keep an eye on the hopefully-soon upcoming results of the research and try to post updates as they come up (did I mention that I am, in fact a scientist? Oh, and, yeah, I read the journal articles as well as the news and instead of the social-media postings - wow, I am starting to realize how triggering this forum has been made for me...).

From what I can find, the only real drawbacks that people cite are:

1) shields are relatively bulky, especially compared to masks
For me, the choice of carrying a shield vs. debilitating EFs makes that an easy decision

2) shields are relatively expensive compared to masks
In the initial outlay, yes maybe (a shield at the drugstore chain I mentioned above is about $10) but the shields can be washed and reused almost indefinitely where the one-time use masks cannot and should really be replaced immediately once someone has sneezed or coughed in it (though I have never seen that happen even though I have seen many coughs and sneezes by those wearing them).
That said, yes, other cloth masks of varying levels of effectiveness can be washed too, so expense is still a concern, especially when times are extra tight financially for many of us. I won't deny that. For me, again, it is worth the extra cost, but I would never want to speak for someone else's budget decisions.

So, there is hope for those of us who have difficulty wearing face masks. Face shields might be an option for some of us. If nothing else, it might be worth looking into. And, so I am posting on the board because until a caring friend mentioned it to me, I had no idea that it was even an option. I wanted to pass the information on to others who might find it useful or needed in their lives. I hope that some of you find it helpful.


#2
Where I live they are gradually reopening the province, with physical distancing protocols in effect. Our pubic health officer while recommending facial masks is also adamant that she will not mandate them because many people have good reasons for not wearing one. I am one of those people and am really glad that I am not forced to wear one for riding on public transit, etc. or I would be really stuck because I really cannot wear one. It is a HUGE trigger for me.


***TW DETAILS OF CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE BELOW***

For as long as I can remember a much older 'cousin' (W) of mine would come over to visit when his mother visited with my NM (our mothers are cousins and we have always just called him my cousin). Starting when I was about 3 years old W, who would have been about 14 or 15 at the time, would tie me up, usually to a chair (using my own skipping rope), gag me, and molest me. Because I was so young and traumatized, I have very few detailed memories, but I think he would remove the gag in order to make me perform oral sex on him, then put the gag back on. I don't think he had PIV sex with me but he did use his fingers and objects on and in me, all the while I was gagging on that cloth and trying to 'not be there' (I am sure I was dissociating a lot then, part of the reason my memories are so hazy).

I do know that the first-ish(?) time that it happened, I ran screaming to my mother for help, but being that young I was unable to articulate what had happened - what W had done to me. My mother got me in trouble for disturbing the nice visit that she was having with W's mother, why did I always have to be so noisy?, why did I always have to make trouble?, etc., etc. W did not even need to make up a story because never once did NM even ask why I was that upset...

I also suspect that my NM and certainly W's mother had some idea that W had some kind of problems. His mother would give us his old picture books and colouring books - over all of the people and many of the animals W had used markers to draw ropes and gags and torture and blood, and other forms of violence. The colouring pages were not coloured, just these torture drawings added to them and to picture books (not meant to be coloured/drawn on either way). My NM would give these books to us (me and my siblings) without ever thinking how inappropriate that was.

I also suspect my NM suspected something about what W was doing to me because after I ran screaming to her, whenever W and his mother would come to visit, she would dress me up in a nice dress, and frilly underwear (!) (I remember so few details but I remember the frilly underwear...), and tell me to behave myself and play nicely with W while NM visited with W's mother... and so of course, W had free rein to do as he liked with me. They visited 5-10 times each year.

After a few years (!) I think W no longer needed to tie me and gag me (I had given up) but he would because it was fun for him to do so. But, one time, I remember when he was done with me he stood me on a table (I am quite short and he tall so I probably came up to his knees, max to his mid thighs then) so that he could pull my frilly underwear back up and help me to put my stockings back on. He was having difficulty with the stockings - I was squirming and trying to not touch him or he me. He made me put my hands on his shoulders to steady me while he pulled on the stockings. At that time, NM came downstairs to get something, saw what was happening, and threw a fit... at me... for 'making W do bad things to me' and claiming that IF (NM still denying it all) anything happened it was totally my fault for wearing such a fancy dress and frilly underwear (clothing that she put me in) to entice him to treat me this way. It was never spoken of again.

I think W came over less often with his mother after that, though my NM still left him alone with me when he did. After a while he moved overseas for a job. I know other people did other stuff to me after that, though it is all fairly hazy, and that would be a different post.

So yeah, having any type of cloth/mask over my mouth like that is HUGELY problematic for me. And is now a great big trigger as masks are everywhere. I live in a place where people with colds already often wore them (pre-covid-19) so I can stand seeing others wear them, especially when it is not everyone, but for me it is a huge NO, not doing it, no way, no how...

**END OF DETAILS OF CSA (though some general discussions still contained below)**

I have dealt with this problem as much as possible during therapy. I thought things were OK. I had even started a healthy, sexual relationship with someone and it was going well (he knows about my past and we talk and he is careful and gentle and wonderful with and to me). Then BANG covid-19 happens and facial masks happen and I am thrown back into my childhood and helplessness and gagging and getting into trouble for it (and being betrayed by my mother for it). The face masks are almost literally driving me crazy. Oh, and even if I could go there, my therapist retired at the end of December and I have no income and no benefits and no ability (financially, physically, or emotionally) to find a new person.

I am fortunate that the government here is not mandating the facial masks. But some stores are still making it mandatory for entry. In many cases, I can just avoid that location and go to a different place. But earlier this week I needed something for my computer (under warranty) and so there was only one place I could go (ahem-apple-ahem-ahem). I had no choice but to don a mask because there is no entry otherwise, no other place for me to go, and I really need to use my computer as my business partners and I have put as much of our work as possible online to try and save the business and have some income). I even tried explaining it to them, but no go; I had to wear one. I almost threw up, I almost passed out, I definitely had a major dissociative episode. I am still, days later, in emotional flashbacks - oh, and now using my computer is also a triggery thing (thanks apple). I am barely functioning when I most need to function. OH and on top of all of that, masked people give me the stink eye because I am on transit (as little as possible but sometimes necessary) or in the store with no mask on, as if I have no right to get groceries or go to the dentist because I have a psychological injury from childhood abuse. I am afraid that more places will mandate masks and I won't be able to do the most basic of life activities. I have figured out that there is nothing at all that will ever make me put another one of those masks on, but that just narrows my world even, and I am afraid that it will narrow again. I want to tell them to stop and to make it fair, but who to tell? the person who is expert on the topic has already made it official that masks will not be mandatory because many people are unable to wear them - who is going to listen to me? And now, ironically, if I need something from a place requiring masks my only choice will be to get a friend - someone not in my household (my cat cannot go) - to get it, and how does that fit social distancing? BLARGH! I don't know what I am going to do if more places mandate masks... BLARGH!

#3
So, I have been taking a number of positive steps in my life: caring for my health (diet and exercise), networking for my career, making sure to stay in touch with friends, flirting with a guy I like, etc.

And now, big surprise (<sarcasm) I feel like crap. My inner self - those cancerous mental and emotional tumours my NM implanted and fostered in me since I was born are not just festering but actively trying to kill me again. I now feel sad and unmotivated and tired and sad and more sad and more and more sad and the suicidal ideation is back full force (not suicidal but not different enough from suicidal either). And instead of enjoying progress, I just want to go to bed and hide and cry and sleep and cry some more. But I can't because I have work and a life that I am trying to hold on to so I will force myself to keep going enough though I do not want to.

UGH! Does it never stop?!? Can I never just make progress and be happy about it without this internal backlash? It takes enough energy to just take these steps. I have none left to also fight the backlash.

UGH! 

#4
Successes, Progress? / I am a person! Yay!!
February 21, 2018, 03:48:53 AM
I had my regular appointment with my T yesterday.

I was feeling good because in the last little while I had been practising boundaries and assertiveness, coincidentally including having heated discussions with two friends (separate times) where we disagreed about ideas that were fairly important to us but then were still friends afterward. This is a new development for me and terrifying because when I was growing up disagreeing with, ahem, 'loved ones' (my FOO, especially abusive parents) meant isolation, derision, punishment, and abandonment. To disagree with friends was tremendously difficult because I was scared they would leave me as a result, but I thought having my own Self was more important so I had those discussions.

During my discussions with my T, out of the blue, I responded to one of his questions with 'Because I am a Person'. Then realized that I absolutely meant it, and that I had never, not ever, said that before in such a way and never, not ever, have I believed it so firmly. I could tell from the look on my T's face that he had realized that too. I took a moment to feel that and let it settle (feeling feelings is a huge part of the therapy I am doing now) and realized that I believe that I am a Person in my whole being. Every part of me is happy with that idea. I have boundaries, and thoughts, and feelings, and ideas, and successes, and mistakes, and Being that belong to me, and just to me. Because I am a Person.

I am a Person.

And it feels good.

I am a Person.
#5
Family / She's trying to hoover me... UGH!
December 16, 2017, 04:41:12 AM
I have been no contact with my parents for more than seven years, and low contact for several years more than that (including several attempts at no contact before getting hoovered up again). I have been making peace with the idea that my parents never really loved me. My mother is an uNP and my father an enabler with abusive, explosive rage. I suffered all forms of abuse at their hands.

I have found a good therapist, whom I have been seeing for three years. I have been working hard at recovery and at having a good life with good loving people in it. I have largely been succeeding, with some snags, obstacles, and hiccups along the way I am moving forward step by step. I have even started being good with the idea that I will likely be spending the holidays on my own (my friends are out of town with their families and the parts of my family that I still speak to are far away). I have had a rough few months (fighting suicidal ideation, etc.) and am finally getting my feet under me.  I have made plans for self care days with activities that feel good to me and have actually been looking forward to a nurturing break.

Then - KAPOW! I get home today and discover that my NM has sent me a Christmas card. UGH! Seriously?!? How does she always seem to know when I am starting to feel a bit better??? I feel like someone has tried to pull the rug out from under me. UGH!!! It has been years since I have heard from her, the last about four years ago with emotional blackmail with the veiled threat that my father was ill and I must see them before 'it's too late'... then blissful nothing. But now THIS!! Do the hoovering attempts ever stop?!?

Please, someone tell me that the hoovering will stop at some point... OK maybe don't because I suppose I unfortunately would not believe it anyway.

UGH!!
#6
Successes, Progress? / Stood up to manterruption
November 21, 2017, 03:10:39 PM
Yesterday, I learned a new word 'manterruption': when a man speaks over top of a women as if she were not even there.

This happened to me at a seminar at work yesterday. During the Q&A several men asked questions of the male speaker; one of these men even taking up much more than his share of the Q&A time. Finally, there was a space for me to ask my question. Before I had gotten even half a sentence out, the speaker spoke right over the top of me, responding to the question that he thought I was asking rather than the question that I would have asked had I been allowed to speak. I spun into an emotional flashback and missed both his response 'to me' and the rest of the session. I left the session shaking and upset and went to hide in my office. Then, I got angry.

I went back to the seminar room. The speaker and some of the audience were still there, so I waited until he had moved away from the main group (almost chickening out but holding my ground). I then approached him and politely but assertively said 'I feel frustrated because I tried to ask a question but you interrupted me halfway through the sentence'. During this sentence he tried to jump in and interrupt me to make excuses, so I had to start the sentence again and repeat the whole thing. I could see him realizing that he had just done it again. I continued 'you let the men finish their questions but spoke right over me while I was talking. I need you to know that. I need you to be aware of that because I felt really dismissed.' Fortunately, this time he got it. He apologized for having spoken over me and thanked me for pointing it out to him. I am not sure that he fully got it but do think that he got it enough that he will take it away and think about it.

I feel so proud of myself for having done this. Partly, I am happy because the speaker teaches post-secondary classes and really does need to be aware that he does this because if he did it to me, a colleague, it is likely he is also doing so to his students who are somewhat lower on the arbitrary hierarchies that exist in academia (and the students are in much less position to object). Mostly, I am happy because that was REALLY difficult for me to do - I had to go and cry in the washroom afterward because it was so emotionally stressful to me. I am (re)realizing how strongly conditioned by my FOO I was that I both had the initial response to accept being spoken over as if my voice does not matter, and that it was also so difficult to speak up to an older man about his poor behaviour. In my family my NM was the largest, most obvious problem and speaking up against her was lethal. But, I was also raised in a 'father knows best' household (all of us ignored mother behind the scenes), and had a father who would explode in vicious rage-filled temper tantrums when thwarted by someone lower on the hierarchy than he was. So, to stand up to someone who is so much like my father was particularly difficult and I DID IT. And I know that I was right to do it. I feel no guilt or regret, just proud of myself for standing up for myself. I DID IT!

#7
Successes, Progress? / At least I got something out of it
November 19, 2017, 04:55:31 AM
I hope I am on the correct board for this topic, and am OK if the moderators need to move it to a different board.

Since the summer I have been working with a career counsellor to move on from my dead-end job with an abusive work culture. At the start of the process, the career counsellor interviewed me, including discussing my FOO (as it is relevant to a number of topics such as management styles and preferred boss's style, etc.) as well as a number of standardized aptitude, personality, skills, and other tests. My counsellor and I went over the test results, combined with his impressions and intuition based on his experiences as a both a clinical and career counsellor. During the discussions, I realized how many of my really strong traits arose or were honed by experiences in my abusive FOO. I am the second-oldest of many siblings, and the oldest of the girls. Because my parents practise a particular form of conservative Christianity, and because my older brother is the golden child and likely somewhere in the cluster B world, I was the parentified child who raised my siblings, my parents, and myself from a very young age (in the single-digits). This situation necessarily forced me to learn skills and to hone traits in a very intense context - I am learning that from my child-self's perspective a life-and-death context. 

So, in going over the lists of my strengths and skills, I have started thinking, well, at least I got something out of it. Here is what I have gotten out of being raised in my position in my FOO:


I am gifted at intraspection
-I am extremely adept at reading a situation and knowing how everything, and for me more so everyone, fits together
-e.g. who is fighting with whom, who is having a bad day, who wants to be in charge, who is in charge, etc., etc.
-this is a skill I learned/honed keeping track of everyone and everything going on in my FOO because I was responsible for it and them all

I am very adaptable
-I can adjust to changing circumstances and not be phased if something does not go as planned
-actually, I rarely make plans (e.g. I go on vacation and decide each day what to do after I get there)
-being the responsible person in the chaos in my family forced me to learn this skill

I am able to work independently with little or no supervision
-that is the story of my life...
-of course, the other side of the coin is that I feel suffocated by a boss who pays too much (read any) attention to what I am doing

I am articulate
-I had the role of making my FOO look like the perfect family to the outside world, so I learned to speak well and present well to others

I am good at getting things done despite the BS going on around me
-again, the chaos of my FOO combined with my role as the only responsible person meant that I had to learn how to do this growing up
-currently, I work in the social justice/environmental movement where getting stuff done despite the BS is pretty much the way things are done
-and research shows many of us who were abused as children end up in 'helping careers' so I suppose my career path was also somewhat a result of my childhood (and I enjoy being in the sector I am in, even though I dislike my current employment)

I am resilient
-I can be hurt and disappointed but keep moving forward
-many people have hurt me, many of them FOO, along the way and I have had many disappointments, but overall I am functioning surprisingly well
--I have not accomplished this alone, having received support from my friends, sisters, T, and others along the way, but I have also had to do the work of overcoming my circumstances
-the downside is that I am now having to learn to feel my feelings and still keep going on (oh, that and I got CPTSD)

I think there are probably a few other traits and skills that I have gained or honed because of my, ahem, 'upbringing' but these are some of the strengths that were highlighted in my discussions with my career counsellor. Now, CERTAINLY, I had some of these traits to begin with and likely could have practised them in more healthy ways (and I am finding these ways as I move forward in my healing journey). And CERTAINLY, I would NEVER have and NEVER would choose to gain and hone these skills through being abused. NOR would I ever wish this type of practising on anyone else (there are a small number of people I might wish evil upon, but in other ways...). BUT since I did have the childhood that I had, and since I have no time machine to go back and find my infant self a better home, now what I can do at least is think 'well, at least I got something out of it...'
#8
General Discussion / Recovering to 'Me Now'
November 19, 2017, 04:14:31 AM
I am not sure if this is in the correct category, so am OK if the moderators move it. It is about recovery but also a bit of a philosophical exercise too.

There have been discussions on this forum, and in my life, about the 'me before', in the sense that resources for people with PTSD talk about 'getting back to the you you were before the bad thing happened'. Of course, for those of us with CPTSD there are 'bad things' that happened.

More complicated, for many of us who have CPTSD as a result of childhood trauma and abuse (including me), the 'before' does not really exist. For me, the abuse likely started from the day I was born, and continued until I separated from my FOO. Actually, beyond that as the legacy of my FOO meant that I was still choosing abusive relationships until I got further along on my healing journey. In my case, as for many of us here, the 'before' would be 'infancy' (at, ahem, 'best') but really 'pre-natal' would likely be more accurate. So, there is no 'me before the bad thing(s) happened' to go back to. Now what?

Lately, I have been working with a career counsellor. After hours of aptitude, personality, skills, etc. tests, we have come up with a number of career paths that I would likely be really good at. I have narrowed these down to about seven those that I would be good at and would likely also make me happy and fit my values. I am excited about these possibilities and can see myself doing any or all of them.

During this process, I have been realizing how much of the abuse directed toward me by my FOO, in particular my uNM, was focused on stifling the person that I was trying to be, at that time mostly just an independent Self separate from her. The messages were also aimed toward hindering me from undertaking activities that might lead me to happiness, satisfaction, fulfillment, or any type of 'success' (where I define success as the three characteristics listed, plus making a positive contribution to the world). As I got older these stifling and hindering messages also included ideas that I may never find work that I find satisfying and fulfilling. I am also unfortunately discovering how many of these stifling messages I have internalized and which I must now fight against as I continue moving forward in my career work.

Along the way, it also occurred to me that these potential career paths are essentially the 'mes' that I would have/could have been had I had a good or even good enough FOO. In exploring these career paths, I feel like I am entering parallel universes where I can see myself as I had grown up with a good enough FOO. I also feel like I am being given an opportunity to re-capture the me that was lost to me - really that was stolen from me by my FOO.

So, now I think part of my healing journey has a goal to figure out not who the 'me was before the bad things' but who the 'me is now that I can reclaim her'... if that makes sense?  I had despaired over the idea of any ability to claim the 'me before' as that goal is essentially impossible. But, now I have some hope, because figuring out who I am now, and who I can be, is possible... and I am excited and curious to find out who I am...
#9
I just finished Julie de Azevedo Hanks' book The Assertiveness Guide for Women. I am recommending it here because I have been benefitting from the information, exercises, and advice in the book and think it might be helpful for others on this forum.

When I picked-up the book I had been expecting a typical list of suggestions for various situations: 'when your boss asks you to work overtime, here are some ways to turn the boss down'; 'when your children wish to borrow the car, here are some assertive ways of saying no' etc. Instead, I was pleasantly surprised. There were virtually none of these suggestions in Hanks' book - she does include some helpful ideas on how to begin 'saying no' conversations but these are only in general terms which could be applied in most contexts and which are included only to help the reader get started on a difficult conversation.

While the book is not what I had expected, it is better because it is something different. In The Assertiveness Guide for Women, Hanks empowers readers by helping us to build a strong foundation to stand on while being assertive. Hanks uses attachment theory to help the reader learn more about herself, her interactions with others, and her communication style. Having this information is helpful because these underlying ways of being influence our ways of asserting ourselves, and our ability to do so. Hanks is descriptive rather than prescriptive, noting that those with avoidant style have a different approach than those with anxious style, and so each has its own challenges in being assertive without ever judging a particular style as 'right' or 'wrong'. She then gives helpful ideas on how to work with our own styles, overcome (or get around) the challenges, and even move toward a more secure style of being and communication.

Hanks also includes information and exercises on the differences between thoughts and feelings, and between needs and wants. She includes information on how to learn what our own thoughts and feelings are and what our own wants and needs are. All of these, Hanks correctly argues, are inherently important, but also vital in being assertive - how can we assert our thoughts, feelings, needs, and wants if we do not know what these are ourselves? (that, at the beginning has been an issue for me)

Finally, as the title suggests, Hanks examines the individual, and more importantly social context that creates particular challenges for women learning and trying to be assertive. Without stereotyping, Hanks recognizes that many women value relationships and often focus on these to the expense of our own well-being. She discusses this challenges and shows that we can have both healthy, assertive communication and care for self as well as healthy relationships. Indeed, she convincingly (and I think correctly) argues that it is only through our ability to be assertive that we can build close relationships with others because being assertive allows us to be honest about ourselves with others and so promotes closer connections with them. Hanks also touches on the difference between assertive and aggressive communications, where the former helps build well-being and healthy connections with others while the latter has the opposite effect.

Hanks' approach is based on solid science as well as her own experiences and those of her clients. But her approach is also compassionate and supportive. She has suffered these hurdles herself, as have many of her many clients. She understands that we are a product of our individual natures, our upbringings, and our societal context. She recognizes that if we are starting in a less-than-assertive place then that is not our faults, but believes that we can move beyond our less-than-assertive approach to healthier ways of being. For me, reading the book was like getting advice from a good friend or a favourite aunt who wishes me to do well and believes that if I have the correct information, some exercises to give me practice, and support along the way then I am capable of developing an assertive style that matches who I am, and that leads me to a more secure and healthy place of relating to and communicating with others. Rather than saying 'here is what you should say and do' Hanks instead says 'I know that you can do it, let me support you and give you materials that will help you get there'. I find the former approach disempowering - what if the boss does not follow the script? what if I can't remember my line? , etc. On the other hand, I find Hanks' approach empowering as she gives me the tools I need to move forward, advice on how the tools might work for me, and trust that I have the ability to use them in ways that work for me (and understanding and support if I sometimes make mistakes and need to try again).

Overall, I found that this is a solid resource both for learning how to be more assertive and also for getting to know myself as a person. Having been raised in an abusive home, I had been taught that learning either of these things was bad and wrong (and punishable offenses). This guide is tremendously useful in countering those messages and helping me to learn a healthier way of being and communicating in the world. I recommend it to others in need of such support.

#10
The Cafe / The Love of Libraries
October 26, 2017, 01:23:08 AM
In a different thread, I became the third person to post about a shared love of libraries. So, I am starting a new thread to avoid completely usurping the original topic (the original is a very interesting one on how people chose their OOTF names).

So, this new thread is for a shared love of libraries.

For me, libraries have always been a safe haven. I learned to read before pre-school (I was about 2 yr. old at the time). I have been reading pretty much continuously ever since; I even read in the bath tub (but not the shower, even with my waterproof e-book reader  ;)). One of the positive things my NM did for us (me and my siblings) was to take us to the library from an early age. I have had a library card as long as I can remember.

Of all my siblings, I think the love of libraries only stuck with me. Overall, a positive factor in my life. In the summer breaks from school, where there was no where else to escape from my NM, abusive older brother, and needy younger siblings (I was the parentified one who raised them), there was the library. I would ride my bike there at least once a week, spending hours browsing the shelves, smelling the books, enjoying the quiet, safe calmness of the space. I would walk the rows of shelves sometimes picking a book at random on a topic completely unfamiliar to me. Other times, I would head straight for my favourite sections to see what was new by my favourite authors. Usually it was a bit of both. I would often spend the day there, just enjoying being at the library. Then, eventually I would have to go home, but I would do so with stacks of books that I would gobble up in hidden corners of my parents' home, and large backyard.

Now, I still love libraries. I still enjoy the smell of books and the quiet calmness and the ability to walk in and learn about anything that catches my curiosity. Books and libraries for me have been ways of feeding my hungry brain (hungry for knowledge, ideas, fantasies, etc.), ways to escape from my circumstances (less so now as I am healing), and safe havens of peace and quiet and enjoyment. The only word I can think of is 'angenehm' - it is a German word which really has no equivalent in English but is a mix of 'pleasant, enjoyable, good-feeling, comfortable, agreeable', and similar words. In short, the way that I feel in libraries.

Libraries.  :cloud9:
#11
Suicide Ideation/Self Harm / It's trying to kill me...
September 02, 2017, 01:40:13 AM
For this one, I will say a general trigger warning for the topic but there are no specific details about abuse.

I have this awful voice, this horrible, terrible part of me that hates me and is trying to kill me. It has told me it hates me, and exactly why it does (such horrible, hateful words it has for me and about me).

It tells me to throw myself in front of the train during my commute. Recently, I went hiking on a trail that had a large cliff. I had to turn back as it urged me to run off the edge. How is it fair for it to bother me on my recreation time?!? How is it fair to bother me at all?!?

**I** am NOT suicidal. I very much want to live (case in point, I left the bluff area). I have worked really hard to get where I am in life, I have worked really hard to get where I am on my healing journey. I am continuing to work very hard on both. BUT that horrible, terrible, part of my hates me and keeps sending horrible, terrible suggestions.

I have told my T about this problem. I was scared as I was sure he would get the people with the butterfly nets to haul me away (pardon the noir humour but I am in a noir mood). But, he (the T) reassured me that that is not the case. Ideation and fighting are different and I am fighting. But that voice. It is getting louder and more insistent. I continue to fight but it is making me so tired and so scared. I wish Monday were not a holiday as it means my T appointment got bumped into later in the week. I want to just hide in bed until then but I must work in between.

I hate that there is this part of me that hates me so much. I hate that I have to fight it so much. I hate that I have no idea what to do about it - I have tried fighting, discussing, negotiating, ignoring, and even befriending it. It has no interest in anything except hating me. I plan to hold on and keep trying, but some days I am less hopeful than others about ever beating it.


I just needed to tell that to someone(s) who might understand where I am coming from.
#12
I have such a strange problem. I have been making progress with my new T (not that new as I started seeing him over 2 years ago). I have been learning to have boundaries, trust my gut, interact with people, etc. As a result, I have started for the first time in my 40+ years of life been developing friendships with good, decent people, who treat me well, know me for who I am and still want to be friends with me (that last part continues to astonish me - ah, something to talk to the T about).

The problem? The situation is freaking me out.  :aaauuugh: I have no idea how to handle friendships. I am also finding that a part of me is certain that making friends will literally kill me. Aside from that, that part of me is trying to really kill me so that I have to enact strategies such as standing very far from the edge of the subway platform (not suicidal but fighting the part of me that wants to kill me for having friends). I have spoken to my T about these issues and he is helping me work through them.

But in the meantime, I have been isolating to the point that my friends worry about me - I do not return phone calls or emails, and worry that I will lose my friends over this behaviour. The problem? They know me, all of me, know what I am going through and understand and are patient. That should not be a problem but their care triggers me more and an incredibly negative positive feedback loop has been created.

ARGH!!! How unfair is that?!? I have worked so hard and my seeming success is becoming my downfall. ARGH!!!

Does it ever end? Will there ever be a time when I can just stop struggling with this? Will every step forward lead to retaliation by my inner demons? I want to have friends, but I am afraid of friendship. ARGH!!!

Sorry, I just needed to vent. Argh!
#13
The Cafe / Happy Women's Day
March 08, 2016, 03:30:58 PM
Hello,

I just wanted to wish everyone a

Happy International Women's Day!

:party: :band: :party:

#14
Family / Trophy Child - Narcissistic Families
February 25, 2016, 03:38:11 PM
I recently came across the idea of a 'trophy child' in narcissistic families. For me it was like a light bulb went off as the concept totally resonated with me.

Before, I had only seen discussions of 'golden children' and 'scapegoat children' in narcissistic families. Although my siblings used to argue that I was a golden child (they now know better), I always felt like I was both gold and scapegoated even though everyone argued that this could not be the case; you must be one or the other (apparently). Largely, the online discussions were also led by scapegoated children denigrating the golden children so I also never felt comfortable suggesting that I might have grown-up in a somewhere-in-between position (anyone on those forums - which I no longer visit - who suggested they might be a golden child got block capital letter responses about how they had not right to express the hardships they too faced in their families  :sadno:).

Now, I am realizing that I was almost certainly the 'trophy child'. I was valued, solely and only, for my accomplishments. So long as I was at the top of my class, so long as I got the solos in band, so long as I was on and won at all of the academic teams (I am terrible at sports), so long as I excelled at everything I did, and so long as I anticipated and met all of my NM's needs and wants (to the exclusion of having any of my own) I was 'valued' and given the illusion of love.

To my siblings, yes, it might have looked as if I were the golden child; they often heard 'why can't you be more like Vanilla?'. However, unlike the true golden child who can 'do no wrong' (in this case my brother who got excuses from our NM for every transgression including some minor crimes - he did not have courage for major ones), I generally could 'do no right'. Similar to the scapegoat, I faced constant criticism, though unlike the true scapegoat (in this case one of my sisters) the criticism and emotional manipulation were covert and subtle; a withholding of - ahem - "love" and approval, a 'are you really wearing that?' type of questioning rather than an outright 'you would choose something that ugly' feedback, but still an eternal 'you are and never will be good enough but you are expected to keep trying'. And try I did, much to my detriment...

Unlike the golden child who was secure in the knowledge that he was 'the best' (though I would argue while he could not, and cannot, see it that position also led emotional problems for him), and unlike the scapegoat child who always knew she was 'the worst' (which of course we recognize as being to her detriment), I lived in a constantly shifting sand of always trying to 'get it right' but never being able to quite do it. My NM made sure to change the criteria of 'did well' so that I could never quite reach the goal. I was going to say it literally drove me crazy, but it did not quite do so. The double bind, however, did contribute to my getting CPTSD.

Has anyone else come across this concept, the 'trophy child'? Does it resonate with anyone else? Why do we not see discussions of it in the 'golden child' vs. 'scapegoat child' articles and forums? I think it really would have helped me to know about this family 'role' before now. I think it will help a lot as I am working through a bit of snag that I am in now in therapy.


#15
Frustrated? Set Backs? / Discouraged...
February 16, 2016, 07:17:25 AM
I am feeling really discouraged right now.

I saw my T today. I travelled to his office feeling so good as I had made some progress on an issue that I had been struggling with lately. After taking a few moments to feel how good that progress was, we started talking about the 'next steps'; he lets me lead the discussions and this is the direction that I wanted to go in.

In the process of looking at 'next steps' and 'next goals' I started to discover how much of the fetid, putrid mess of lies from my FOO still exists in me. I could feel them in me, poisoning me; I can still feel them in me, poisoning me. I had had no idea how much I was in denial about that. I think the denial has been a protective shield because I also started realizing how much of these messages I still, really, truly, in my heart of hearts believe. I wrote above that these are lies. I hope that they are lies but I am feeling fairly certain that maybe I have been lying to myself and ignoring these messages which really are truths, awful, horrible, unhappy, truths about me.

I am feeling so discouraged right now. One step forward and twelve steps back. Has my progress all just been an illusion? Part of me is starting to wonder if I should just give up on therapy now because it seems like I'll never dig my way out of this mess anyhow.

I am feeling really discouraged and sad and alone and scared.

I just needed to tell someone that.

#16
Hello,

Generally speaking I like the new format for the board. But, I am noticing now that the login function is a straight login. Before we could login and also set the timer to be logged out. Being on the computer is my vice/addictive behaviour. I really need the time out function but it no longer seems to be an option with the login.

Please, does anyone know how to login in now with the timer? Or Please, could the timed login be put back as an option?

Thank you,

Vanilla
#17
General Discussion / Whom have you told?
October 27, 2015, 03:50:26 PM
This is a topic that I have been working through lately in my own life, and one that I have seen coming up on a couple of threads...

Whom have you told? Who in your life knows that you have CPTSD? On the reverse side, whom would you never tell? Did you have good, bad, neutral, surprising, other experiences in telling? Would you do it again? Who would you like to tell but maybe do not have the courage yet, or are unsure if it would be safe?

It's a lot of questions. Please feel welcome to respond, or ignore any or all, or to make up your own as best suits you  ;D


In my case, I only learned about a year ago that I have CPTSD. I have likely had it since childhood but did not know that that was what it was. Recently, I have made the decision that whenever I can safely do so, and when I feel like I want to do so, I will speak my truth. I am really tired of carrying the burden of someone else's shame and guilt and embarrassment. I had no control over what was done to me, and I am tired of carrying 'blame feelings' for that. I am also tired of the unfairness that people with physical ailments can speak freely and expect and get accommodation for what ails them (correctly so) but that those of us struggling with mental health illnesses and concerns are crammed into a closet locked by shame and stigma.

That said, I am not 'out' everywhere. Sometimes, discretion is the better part of valour. And sometimes, I am OK with the situation as it is, or too tired in other ways, or just not wanting to be 'the advocate' in every situation.

So:

-my friends generally know that I have CPTSD. Some are closer to me than others so know more details. I am also very careful to treat my friends as friends; I have a good therapist to help me with the challenges in my life that need therapy.
-on the other hand, I told someone that I thought was a friend. This person, who has the background to know better, gave a 'you just have to think happy thoughts about unicorns and rainbows' response. I was really surprised. I also lost the friendship over it (they were completely unwilling to move past this position and I could not be with someone so dismissive of my challenges). :'( But, I am still OK with the fact that I told and would likely do it again.
-I also recently told a group of collegial persons that I volunteer with. This seemed important as my CPTSD was having an impact on the work that I was doing with the group and causing worry among the other members (e.g. some were concerned that I was angry at them and wanting to quit, etc.). Generally, the telling went well. The others were respectful and hugely supportive. Plus, we reorganized tasks to make them more manageable for me. I am glad that I told and would do so again.  ;D ;D
-my FOO does not know. I am NC with almost all, and the FOO is essentially the major cause of my CPTSD. I am in contact with two supportive siblings but am unsure if I will tell them or not.
-I would NEVER tell the people in my immediate workplace. Here, there is a culture of bullying from the top down (the head of my section is a bully). While some of the people are likely 'safe', many of the people are also of the mindset that the bully is 'a great leader', so you can imagine the response that I would get. Most also hold social sciences, such as psychology, at best with suspicion but generally worse with contempt.
-I am unsure if I would tell another group that I volunteer with. My CPTSD does not affect my work with this group, so it seems unnecessary for them to know. I think most of these people would be safe but they are more teammates then friends. Plus, my volunteering life overlaps with my professional life and I am not sure how that would play out. And really, I enjoy having a space where I can just go and have a good time working with others for a good cause and not have CPTSD be part of it all. It is almost my CPTSD-free zone and I need that in my life.


We, as pointed out on another thread, seem to be among the last groups still 'forced' to be in the closet. I am now exploring how to safely open that closet door.  :spooked: I am starting to plant seeds where I can (with apologies for mixing metaphors). In doing so, I am also surprised to learn how many others are struggling with mental health illnesses and challenges but are also hiding in the closet (or being crammed in against their will), and how many love someone who is dealing with mental illness and challenges. When I tell my truth many are relieved to know that they are not alone and that someone is willing to say something. Sometimes too, the reverse happens; someone has the courage to speak their truth and I am appreciative and relieve to learn that I too am not alone. Yes, sometimes it goes badly and you unfortunately cannot unring the bell. But the results so far have encouraged me to continue planting the seeds when I am able and in a 'good place' to do so.

I am hoping others might have stories to share, both where things went well and even where things went wrong so that we can celebrate times that went well and commiserate with times that went less than ideally and learn from both.

#18
Successes, Progress? / Email Mission Accomplished
October 19, 2015, 02:56:52 AM
Phew! I just sent a bunch of emails related to very important correspondence that I have been procrastinating for too long - the others involved have been worried about me + the communications were necessary for a big project that we are working on + my not sending the messages has really been messing things up for everyone - ugh!  :fallingbricks:

The emails, more likely the project, are somehow all 'triggery' and terrifying to me in a way that my T and I are trying to figure out  :stars:. I get terrified and dissociate even thinking about sending the emails. It's bizarre because it is a project that I want to do, in fact am very excited to be part of, and the others involved are wonderful and supportive. We (the T and I) are starting to suspect that it is not the project or people themselves that cause the triggers but that there are aspects of the project that are attached to other, less pleasant, experiences in my life. We are working on some hypotheses now, but in the meantime the project and related communications are still necessary.

I am all shaky and lightheaded right now  :'( but the emails have been sent  ;D

I also emailed one of the people in the group that I consider my friend in order to ask him for help.

I sent emails. I asked for help.  :woohoo: I am happy but also need to go and cry now, and have some herbal tea and maybe a hot bath and breathe and recover (and hopefully stop shaking and 'wanting' to leave my body).

Thank you. I just needed to share this with others who would get it.
#19
I tried to reply to an earlier posting that touched on this topic but go the 'too long ago' warning... so, I am starting a new thread. I hope that is OK.

I have been discovering something in therapy that has been helping me. (maybe this post belongs on the 'tools' thread?). That is, rather than trying to shut down/block out my inner critic, I have been engaging in discussions with him (mine is a him most times, though I believe that ICrs come in all genders).

With my last T when my ICr acted up, the T would 'insist' that I tell the ICr to 'shut up!' (often T would even go as far as 'shut the &^$* up!), to commit inner violence on the ICr (e.g., imagining smacking the ICr or tying up and gagging the ICr). That never sat right with me. Even though the ICr was behaving in ways that seemed abusive to me, I could never comfortably behave in abusive ways back to him. The T claimed I was in denial about the affects my ICr had on me. She was wrong; I got how the criticism hindered my healing progress and pushed me toward maladaptive behaviours, I just did not agree with the methods the T proposed for getting the ICr to leave me alone.

My new T is more holistic. He believes that all messages we receive from our inner 'selves' are important, even if it is to learn the source of our fear/anger/incorrect belief, etc. So, lately I have been just talking to my ICr and listening to what he is telling me, both in 'words' and in sensations in my body.

I have been discovering that my ICr has been very upset, especially with the verbal and other 'violence' recommended by the previous T. My ICr has also been upset because from his perspective, he has been trying to protect me from the harms of the world. Yes, he, from my perspective, is doing this in a way that is harmful to me, but he is coming from the place of a scared child whose 'job' it was (from his view) was to protect us from our abusive NM and others who were harmful in our world.

I am learning that the more I ignore and try to shut up and shut down my ICr, the more he screams and yells for attention. On the other hand, when I talk to him, we are often able to work out a solution. On occasion, too he is correct; I am heading toward an ill-advised action and it might be wise to listen to his warnings. If that is the case, I thank him for alerting me. More often he is 'correct', but from the perspective of an abused child who is not able to see all of the factors and long-term consequences of a decision. In these latter cases I try to explain to him that yes, I can see why he is afraid but that xyz make the decision safe. Either way, I also try to convey the idea that I am the adult who will protect us; he can finally take a break from that responsibility. I am finding that the more I communicate with my ICr the calmer he is becoming (though, of course he still does act up at times).

I am posting both because this is a strategy that has been mostly working for me, and which might be helpful to others, and because I am wondering, has anyone else had experiences like this - engaging the inner critic in a dialogue rather than fighting against it?



#20
I am not sure if it is OK to make this type of posting, nor, if so, if I am in the correct thread - mods please feel free to delete or move.

I am starting this thread because in a number of discussions (especially on the 'symptoms' threads) people write about finding/losing one's self, 'not knowing who I am', 'discovering who I am', 'having a weak/strong sense of self', etc. All centre on the idea of Self, and what that means.

I am also starting this thread because I have lately been thinking (and getting angry) about how much of my 'Self' has been 'stolen' from me by my NM, FOO, and others who have preyed upon my vulnerability since.

Books on PTSD (my library has these, but not on CPTSD) often talk about 'getting back to your previous self' (before the accident, crime, natural disaster, etc. that caused the PTSD). I am discovering that this is one of the differences between PTSD and CPTSD, at least for those of us who have CPTSD from growing up in abusive homes, for me, there is no 'previous self'. Before the trauma started I was, at best, an infant but more likely in utero. It is impossible for me to go back to a 'previous self'. I think I am more on a quest to discover the person 'I would have been' or, perhaps more accurately (and appropriately?) 'the person I would like to be now'. I suppose that is another reason for this thread; I am well into adulthood and am only just, finally, beginning to figure out who I am.

So, I am posting this thread because I am curious about how people view one's (or their) 'self'. How do we lose self? How do we find it? Can we find a 'self' that had not developed before the abuse started? - is it inherent and still there, or do we need to find/create something entirely new? (or some combination of these, or something entirely different?)...

There really are no 'right' or 'wrong' answers; I think even the 'experts' debate the topic. Nor is there any obligation to answer all of the questions I posted above. Plus, tangents are welcome - it is likely I missed asking about important aspects of 'self'.

This thread is more for exploring ideas of 'selfhood' and/or how 'selfhood' interacts with CPTSD.


OK, I admit it, I also posted the thread because I enjoy a philosophical discussion but none of my 'philosophical discussion' friends really 'get' the whole CPTSD thing - though they are still sympathetic and supportive of me.