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Hi guys!
It's been a long time now since I've been on the forum. I hope everyone is doing ok.
My healing process has come a long way, which I'm proud of really. Things makes much more sense now. But I really struggle with extreme emotions when it comes to close friends. Like for years I didn't have friends, but now I'm fortunate to have found two good friends that understands what I struggle with, and accept me anyway. 
Even though I can talk to them about how I feel, and I never feel judged by them, I still find myself on this insane roller coaster of emotions! One minute I feel I can't live without them (!), and the next I feel anger towards them or even repulsion! And I have no idea why.. I mean WT*!?! Fortunately I do have the ability to restrain myself, and I'm not being rude or nasty to them. But the roller coaster is driving me crazy! Feeling anger is quite a new experience for me, so it is very overwhelming and triggering. I know I have to go through this anger phase. I just wish I wouldn't feel anger towards my friends, that have done nothing to deserve my anger. They've only been supportive and kind!
I'm so frustrated with myself... I hate these overpowering feelings!
Can anyone relate? I don't know how to handle this... it throws me into a dark hole, where I can't see any hope or future! I literally want to die! I know it's an extreme response, and totally out of proportion to the situation..

Big TW!!!!!!
Hate, violence description, inner children.
Please only read this if you feel strong enough to do so. I hope some of you are, cause I feel so lonely...
I've just discovered my 3 year old part. I've known about my 5 year old and 14 year old for a while. Kind of known about the 3 year old, but it has been as detached from me as any other toddler. It has always been outside of me, sort of speak. Now it takes over my body and inner experience, without me being able to control it. It is the worst sensation and feeling. My body is kind of itching from the inside. Can't stand being in my body, and want to tear it off. Shedding my skin, just like a snake. The frustration is overpowering. All the while I crave being held, comforted! I'm actually sucking my thumb!! The shame is killing me... When this is going on, I have these pictures, or more like a movie, in my head, where I can see myself being a toddler having a tantrum. And I'm with my therapist.. She is sort of the safest person for my younger parts, but I'm terrified this 3 year old will come out while being with her.... I just can't bare the shame of it.
Sometimes this "movie " change character, and I'm in this form of iron box, or more like a cell with iron walls and bars. I can't breath, becoming more and more panicked. Frantically pulling the bars to get out. Then something suddenly grab my leg, and start smashing me around with brutal force! My skull cracks open, every bone is crushed, and my skin torn of my body... the pain is just indescribable! And there is so much blood! But I don't die... I'm there to experience every ounce of pain there is to feel...
I was never, to my knowledge, physically abused as a child... stil this is playing in my head non-stop! I've always had a very deep sense of shame and self-loathing. Probably because  when I was little, my father looked at me as if I was this disgusting little insect he would be better of crushing to get rid of. My mum basically never looked at me, cause she spent almost all her time at work.
I know I need to start to take care of these parts, but I can't! I hate them so much, cause they make me feel like *, and makes my life unbearable.
Every feeble attempt to be nice to them just makes me wanna vomit, and I feel like a fool...
How to move on from here...? How can I start to view them differently? I have kind of "met up" with my 5 year old part, but she is so suspicious of me, and won't come near me... so I basically turn my back and walk away...
My heart and body are aching... I'm alone, cause no-one understands. I'm supposed to learn to self-sooth, but how is that possible when I hate those parts of me that need soothing so much...?
Forgive me for making this so long, and thank you so much if you've read through it all...

Hi all!
I have a question about Lamictal (Lamotrigine) which is a mood-stabiliser. It is normally used for treating bipolar disorder.
Does anyone on this forum, who have  CPTSD, any experience with it? My psychiatrist prescribed these today, and I thought I just give it a chance... but now I'm scared!
Anyone?

I experienced something today that felt really weired...
I started in a form of self-help group for people with same kind of challanges I have.
When it was my turn to say something I seemed very confident, and well articulated. It was like I was totally on top of the situation. After I while I felt like "who is this?" Like... I know I do have a confident part... a part that has always relayed on intellectualization. But it felt so alien to me...
Now other very fragile and scared parts are acting up, cause they are afraid to be perceived as being more well than what they actually are. Why that is such a scary thing I have no idea! 
Can anyone relate to this?

Hi!
One issue has really troubled me these days... I'm married to a very warm, affectionate and loving husband. Feel very fortunate I have him in my life. The thing is that I've been struggling with a lot of EF's lately, and even though I get all the hugs I want from my husband, it doesn't seem to help ease the sense of hunger for affection I have. When I'm in therapy, the therapist does use some bodywork-techniques and touch is part of it.  The more she touches me, the more I crave it! I feel like a 5 year old, that wants to crawl onto her lap and just be held.
The shame is unbearable, so I haven't talked to her about it.
What can I do? It feels like I haven't eaten for a long time, and the hunger is killing me! The craving is making me crazy! Can anyone relate to this at all? Or am I just a freak?

Hi! I was wondering where to find "My messages" where I can find my inbox and PM's . Been reading the manual, but I can't seem to find it..

Hi!
After I started therapy a couple of months ago, I've experienced what I think is dissociation.
I've had identity confusion, and a sense of being fragmented for a long time, and I've had clear experiences of depersonalization, where I leave my body and look at my surroundings from above. The first time that happened, it happened suddenly and it was defenetly not something I chose. But after the first couple of times, I could leave my body when I wanted to. When emotions and stress were to painful. (And then during a better period in my life, I was unable to do it. I lost the ability to leave my body.)
Now I've also experienced a couple of times in therapy that my body just shuts down. I can't move or talk! But I do realise what's going on around me, and I can hear what my therapist is saying. I just can't respond.
These experiences are pretty clear to me, and I know it happened without me choosing it.
But in almost every session, I also experience kind of zoning out. I just can't figure out if I actually choose to do this, or if it happens automatically. In a sense I really don't want to dissociate, cause then the session feels in vain. But on the other hand dissociation feels comfortable, and it's really annoying when the therapist tries to "wake" me...
I think some child part craves human touch, and wants to dissociate, to receive that from the therapist.
Am I just fooling myself here? Can any of you relate to this?
I'm on a quest to find the "truth" about my experiences. And nothing but the truth! This might be a personality trait in me that is not particularly helpful, cause I get "stuck" and confused very often. I'm just really scared that I make things up. That now I've read a lot about CPTSD, so my psyche kind of makes these things happen for no reason other than a need to be seen and recognized. That I make up my own story, and symptoms to match the diagnosis.
My mind keeps going in circles about these things. I can't stop it....

Hi all! I know this question is a bit silly really, but just wondering; When I read about children who are being a*used in some way or the other, normally the symptom-description state the child will have/will develop problems with school-work and behavioral issues, etc. All of this makes sense, and I guess reflects normal reactions to not so normal circumstances.
But can anyone relate to actually performing well at school despite being constantly on edge at home? I could behave somewhat defiant at school, cause it was a much safer place! But it was never a real problem, and didn't interfere with schoolwork. In a sense school was like a free-space for me. I've always had lots of interests, and loved different subjects. (Socially at school was a bit different though, as I was always very insecure and vulnerable. Felt bullied at times, but not sure if that was truly the case.)
Does this indicate that I wasn't really traumatized? *my neverending story of confusion*

This is such a struggle for me at the moment! Last year when I first learned about CPTSD, I had a lightbulb moment and my jaw dropped. Never before had I read about something that so deeply resonated with me and my experience. I've written about this on this forum before, and your kind responses always lifts me, and help put things into perspective for me. But the confusion seems to come in waves, and now I feel like I'm drowning..
A part of me seems to work hard at trying to convince me that what I now experience in therapy (weird reactions, emotional overwhelm, regressing etc) only happens because I've read about it. I've read about the symptoms of CPTSD, and now I just act it out only cause I want to receive the recognition and empathy from the therapist. The part keeps on rambling about how pathetic I am, and that my experiences do not classify as trauma. And why is this so important to me in the first place?? That what happened to me classifies as trauma?? I don't trust my own experiences or my perceptions of them. I don't trust my thoughts or my feelings... I don't trust my likes and dislikes. I don't know what I really want or what I wish for... everything is just blurry and inconsistent. I don't know what I need! I don't know what I hope for....

Hi everyone!
Just wanted to tell someone what happend in therapy yesterday. I go see this therapist that uses different techniques concerning how trauma affects the body, and work on reconnecting body and mind/memories/emotions. Everytime I'm there, my little self shows up, and she is very hypervigilant, anxious, and shaking like crazy. But yesterday my body suddenly collapsed (!) like I fainted, but I was semi-conscious and could hear what she said. I just couldn't respond! My body felt totally limp, and I felt dizzy and nauseous. It took quite a while for me to become normal again. She then told me about the Polyvagal theory, and how collapsing is the body's last resort defense mechanism.
There might be something about this elsewhere on this forum. If so, I'm sorry, I just found it truly interessting. I've read a lot about it today, and it makes so much sense to me. In the same way your body can stay in a perpetual state of hypervigilance, it can also stay in a "collapsed " state for longer periods of time. What I thought was "just" depression fatigue getting worse over the last couple of weeks, might just be my body trying to tell me it is overwhelmed and really scared about all the new stuff going on in my life. Strangely that was comforting to me.

If anyone wants to share any thoughts about this, personal experience, knowledge etc. I would be grateful.

Hi!
I was just wondering; would you consider CPTSD as being a "permanent" condition? Like diabetes fx? If you get diabetes, you have it for life, even though losing weight and eating the right kind of food can eliminate symptoms. If you let yourself go, gain weight and eat junk again, the diabetes will resurface.. Is it like that with CPTSD too? Like, I know one can learn to manage symptoms and function much better in daily life, but will you then "lose" your diagnosis and be considered cured? Or will CPTSD kind of stay in your "system" for life? Don't know if my question made sense, or just sounds stupid...

Hey everyone!
I thought I'd ask a weired question. How many of you find that having a dog eases your CPTSD symptoms? And are there anyone that actually feels the opposite?
I absolutely love dogs!!... animals in general. A couple of years ago we got the most beautiful puppy! She was my dream dog in many ways. I had experience with dogs from earlier, but had never had my own. My problem was that day by day I found myself getting more and more stressed. Obviously I needed to provide everything she needed on a daily basis. She was a very active dog, and I was so scared I was not gonna be enough for her. That what I did would not be good enough. I ended up being so stressed and fatigued, I had to give her back to her breeder. (Which by the way took very good care of her!) I missed her so much, but was also relieved I now didn't have to take care of her. Now my boy really wants a dog, and I would love for him to have one. We've been in the process for a while, but again I get so scared I will not do right by this dog. When I'm able to use my brain, I know I can provide whatever the dog needs. But when I'm in a flashback I get all scared and tense. What if this will rub of on the dog and make him/her scared too? I know some dogs are able to calm their anxious owner... but it would not be like that for all dogs I guess... Sorry... this might seem stupid to some, but it's a huge deal for me. I really truly miss a dog in my life, but gets easily overwhelmed... what should I do?

Hi! I don't know if this has been discussed in another thread. Maybe I've posted something about it myself at some point, but I'll go for it anyway.
Some of you might remember me having a hard time with confusion regarding my story, and what is really the truth, and nothing but the truth!
I've spend my first say 40 years on this earth knowing my father wasn't a good man, and that being around him was very unpleasant, on so many levels. I've also known my mum tried her best to provide for us everything we needed, so she worked a lot, but was never really available. She never recognized her own feelings, let alone ours.
I've memory of some situations which yes, was not pleasant, but traumatic?? I really don't know!
I really struggle with the shift of one day being certain I am "entitled" to call what I been through traumatic, and then the next day, I just can't give myself that recognition. I know this can be pretty common with EA, but stil... I can't find, or make my peace with it! It's exhausting and so frustrating! Many days I beat myself up about it. Feeling so shameful, especially towards my mum and sisters. I'm lucky, cause I do have a great family, but none of my sisters see our childhood the way I do. They do support me, but I still feel so ashamed about it...
Don't know how to escape this...

I've been wondering how quickly other people change from one fractured part to the other. Like, I know we are all different, and have different experiences. But would it be considered normal for a person with CPTSD to change from being suicidale one day, to being perfectly fine the next day? I've read about structural dissociation, and that makes a lot of sense to me. But stil it is quite baffling that one can be so far out one day, with no hope, no wish to stay alive even for family's sake, everything hurts, and the next day everything is just normal. One can be happy, painfree and wanting to do stuff. The switch is unbelievable! Sometimes the switch also happens from minute to minute. It's exhausting.

I feel so confused these days! I just got a new GP which is very emphatetic and and actually "see" me. For some reason, that alone throws me into a full blown EF and I turn into this shameful, needy litle ****! Don't get it. If the GP wasn't empathetic and nice, I would understand!... anyway... She thinks that the diagnosis of CPTSD does fit for me, so now I officially have the diagnosis. It was actually a huge relief at first, cause I've felt this to be accurate to how I feel and my situation in general when it comes to symptoms and stuff. But now I rant on about how I've probably have exaggerated both my symptoms and what happend in my childhood, and feel just as confused as I was before I recieved any validation from any doctor or therapist.
I just don't know what to make of this and how to make my mind stop spinning like crazy! And how can I know what the real truth about my situation is? Objectivly speaking, I know I had an abusive father growing up, and a mother that drowned herself in work to cope with life. She was not available, and did not recognice how damaging our father was. I've read enough about emotional abandonment and abuse to know that alone can cause CPTSD. Stil I have such a hard time accepting it. Before this I struggled to make doctors and therapists to see the connection between my symptoms and my childhood... and now this?!
Don't know what to make of it all. Anyone familiar with confusion like this?

Lately I've read a lot about dissociation and the feeling of having a fractured personality or soul. I can see I'm not the only one on this forum that can relate to that feeling.

But I was wondering, can anyone relate to having parts that really messes up everything when it comes to the healing process? Obviously I want to get better, function better in my life. But these parts seem to think selfdestruction is the way to go! I know which step I should take, at least some, in order to start on my healing journey, but I just can't get myself to do it. I have a clear sensation that my very fragile 5 year old me is terrified of becoming better, cause anything unknown is terrifying. And the prospect of having all the demands of life on our shoulders again, is very anxiety provoking.
There also seem to be a very defiant part, that just simply won't do what is required to become better... I have no idea why!
How can one get on with life, when these two (or more) parts makes such a big deal of sabotaging every feeble attempt?

Hi!
Probably an awkward question, but just thought I'd ask people with personal experience;
Like, I know hypervigilance is a symptom of CPTSD. But do one need to constantly be in a state of hypervigilance to get the diagnosis?
I was in a constant hypervigilant state for over 6 months as I attended therapy with an angry non-emphatetic therapist! But now, a couple of months after ending sessions with her, I find my body much more relaxed. I don't have the sense of all-consuming dread and fright, I don't see scary men and angry faces lurking in the shadows as much, I don't startle at the slightest noice, and I have my appetite back. Is that then proof that I don't have CPTSD? Or is that "normal" to also have periods like this, even if you do have the diagnosis?
Like I've mentioned before on this forum, my therapist got angry with me when I suggested CPTSD as a possible reason for my symptoms.. so I don't have a diagnosis. But I can basically tick every box at the symptom-list.
Off course I don't want the diagnosis, I'm just trying to make sense of it all. And it's frustrating when you don't get any validation from people who are supposed to be experts..

Hey!
I was wondering if I could share a little bit of my story here, when it comes to employment.
I've always had a feeling of never being good enough. Even though I did fairly good in school, it was never enough. I've been a perfectionist as long as I can remember, pushing myself to the limits every time. A constant drive to just do a little bit better...

I've managed to become both a Preschool teacher, and later on a Bioengineer within the field of pathology. But the minute I'm supposed to do something practical, I get all tense, and superscared to make mistakes. Wether it be as a cashier at the supermarked, as a teacher working with kids, as a carer for disabled people, or working at the hospital as a bioengineer, etc I always end up supertense and exhausted. No matter what I do... But I've always kept pushing, cause that's what you do! That is what is expected of you. On top of this I've done a lot of charity work. Being the "good" girl that I am!

But 4 years ago my world came crashing down! After an operation, I got really sick. I was bedridden for 2 years. I think all defensemechanisms I've ever had came crashing down too, and I litterally thought I was gonna die.

I'm slowly getting better, but I find myself resisting the healing process! I'm terrified of the prospect of working again... It's like my body can't cope with the idea. The mere thought makes all the energy drain from my body. I really don't know how to overcome this. Can anyone relate at all?

Shame really haunts me writing this. I don't want to be percieved as lazy, or unwilling to work...

Hello!
I'm a new member here, and would like to introduce myself.

I'm a 43 year old woman from Norway. I do not have a diagnosis of CPTSD, but struggle with many of the syptoms of this. In Norway, many therapists don't use this diagnosis at all, and my therapist actually got angry at me for mentioning it in the first place. But after reading about it, it makes so much sense to me. I've been so confused about different things, so I hope I can learn more on this site through hearing other peoples story, and by that, shed some light on my own.
Thank you!