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I know I'm doing the right thing by reducing the contact I have but right now I am feeling so lonely. Many people around me have extremely close and helpful extended family members and it's getting to me.
I have also stopped initiating contact with almost all SO family.

Its isolating. I know it's also protective but I am struggling with it.

I just need to get this out. This could end up being a ramble.

My T has freaked me out. She didn't intend to I know. She asked me to do something to aid with grounding, such a simple thing, but it was like a direct trigger. I am still not ok days after therapy.
We've been working together for years,  I trust her, I love her (this is a mutual, not in a weird way, we have both acknowledged this in sessions, in a deeply caring way) she actually gets me and now she triggers me.
Things she has said/ done have triggered me before and we've worked it through but this was so different.
I panicked in a whole new way. I was already in a flashback, I was coming out of it then suddenly the threat came from her. I am so freaked out by what happened. I don't know what to do. Was I staying with it and feeling something or was something else going on. I just had to keep saying no, I felt so out of control. I am so on edge. Am I finally begining to shift how I interact in flashbacks and find a voice to say what I need.
Has anyone else noticed a change in the way they come out of flashbacks?
I usually freeze, very still, quiet but this time I was shaking my head saying no I can't and I dont want to it was so different.
I am really scared about my next session, I know I need to tell her what happened, it was right at the end of session, the last minute so I don't think she realised what was going on. I feel if I tell her it might be like pressing repeat and doing it all over again. I am so confused. I don't feel like me.

So, this is perhaps a silly question but...
What do you do in the evenings?

I struggle to do anything other than flop in a heap because I'm so tired. Recently I've been thinking I might need to push myself to do a bit more. To begin to reclaim some of the 'me' that has been eroded away by everything that is CPTSD.

Any thoughts or suggestions welcomed.

Today is the anniversary of my Fathers death.

Feeling nothing. Like someone has taken everything, all feelings. Not in a numbing way, in a completely empty way. Hollow.

Well that's it really, I just wanted to tell someone. To get it out, to see if it would make any difference.
I don't think it has tho.

Ah well, time to clear up the days mess.

So, does anyone else ever feel they somehow need their flashbacks?
That somehow they give them a link to the past and truth about what really happened and that it was real after continually being told otherwise.

Struggling with the fact that I might need the flashbacks. They have some how become part of my identity. I need the memories contained within them to become whole again. That they are necessary for some sort of healing to begin.

Does anyone else wonder what it would be like if there 'Little Ones' met themselves as adults?

I am terrified Little Me would hate and not trust me as an adult, be ashamed of me, that I'd be a disgrace.

Little me and the adult me need to be kept apart so I don't shatter forever.

Anyone else feel like that?

So this feeling malarkey... it's difficult. I can't get my head around it.
I'm learning about feelings. They confuse me SO much.

Today I felt something. I phoned my M. While I was dialling her number and the phone was ringing I suddenly became aware of my heart pounding and that I was shaking. I have no idea what emotion went with it.

I am wondering if people generally just blot out the emotion side of feelings or the physical side too.

I have never noticed that reaction before, I'm wondering if it was there before and I didn't notice or if it's new and things are bubbling up as I'm accessing more of my past and confronting it.

I'd appreciate hearing any thoughts, ideas, similar experiences, comments, etc you have.

Today I found out the frog, one that lived in my childhood home's garden has died. I feel sad. I liked the frog, he would jump out and surprise me, but in a good way not a threatening way. I wish the frog hadn't died. I feel sad. I want to tell the frog I cared about it.

There lies the progress, I feel sad and I know why.

Painful this progress.

Why am I crying about a frog.

Today I was angry.
That is an achievement for me because I knew I was angry. Before I didn't know what anger was I, I had to google it. It sucks tho as I had to be angry to get that I'd achieved something.
I am trying to sit with it now, that feeling. I don't know why I was unable to remain calm, previously i would have been. Something triggered me, I have no idea what it was. Right now I hate myself for the hurt I caused others when I was angry. It's really getting to me as I have no idea how to stop it happening again and be kinder to those I love.

What do other people do when they are angry? How do you work out what makes you angry? Any other thoughts/ comments/ ideas etc would be great to hear as I am struggling with this.

Right now I want a Mum. One who'll listen, and be on my side when I've finished speaking. Someone to support me.

My Mum isn't like that. I will not ring her. It's better to feel alone and burdened than to hear her accusing voice or have her claim my pain as her own and have to heal her wounds while mine remain open to the elements.

I'm alone again.

I want to hide. To be left alone to be me on my own without anyone else watching me, seeing me, knowing me. No noise, no expectations, no time boundaries, nothing.
I am in an EF and I want to feel my way through, to begin to actually understand. I realise that pushing my experiences away doesn't help but right now I have no idea how to feel my way through this and be with others.

Anyone any ideas.

I wanted to ask a question.

Did anyone else pretend everything was ok, normal?

I've wanted things to be normal, ok, like everyone else, or my perception of that. I created an illusion of normal. I went to extreme lengths to portray myself and those around me as ok. To hide everything.

The shame, the guilt I feel now. I should have stopped it. It's my fault it happened. I let people think everything was ok. People believe my created word. Now I want to escape it but how?

What happens if people find out what really happened, what life was really like. Everyone is going to hate me for lying to them, or just think I'm lying now.
I feel trapped.

I just need to get this out. I hope that's OK.

Nobody gets it.
I feel so alone. Always alone. I was so scared.
Little me was so scared. It's like someone continually pressing repeat.

Nothing can make it better.

I have connected more pieces of the puzzle and it hurts so much.
I don't want any of this. I know it wasn't my fault back then and I was little but my world spiralling now is my fault. I just can't stop myself feeling everything again and again. My continual fear upsets other people. I don't mean to. Whenever I feel like I have the confidence to say something it all goes wrong. I wish I was invisible.

I wanted to ask, has anyone asked their therapist a personal question about there past?

We have been working together for a while, I know she has suffered trauma herself so she really understands a lot of what I say.  She has always answered my questions but I have never asked details. There is one thing I'd like to know. I think she'd answer a closed question but I'd like more detail so I'd know if she'd really understand me.

I'm worried tho. I  know things I've said have got to her because of her own experiences, we pick up each others stuff now and then, we work it through, it's been helpful to see someone else battle and survive. I'd hate to trigger her and break the trust we have.

So... Im new to all this.
Just begining to wonder if it's possible to unravel my past without my present  world falling apart.