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It's been horribly harsh nearly each time that I attempted to seek emotional support. It's triggering. I feel the morale over there has gone way downhill.
Has anyone else had bad experiences? Or even good ones?

[No triggers]

"Recovery from the world"?

Yes, I'm recovering from the world's violence and insanity. Complex PTSD is just a symptom of it.



No triggers


I'm On the edge of hope.
Let's see, briefly about me... I'm female, 36, was sexually abused by my "f." at 13... 
I'm a highly sensitive person, "empath" - if you believe in such a thing, INFP, and an Aquarius. Three things I love more than anything else - music (this is supposed to be my mission in life ), nature and animals, and love.

I feel pretty alone and depressed tonight. I don't have anyone to talk to about this stuff; between therapists and am not sure when I will find the perfect fit. I'd rather have a good fit than not.

I'm disappointed in myself, again. So much. I'm so embarrassed! In front of what little semi-casual friends I have (which are two people who live far away from me). My boyfriend of over one year, is my sole emotional support. We get along so, so well.
I miss having professional support, a team of people who watch over me. Now it's only a reserved and uninformed psychiatrist. My insurance is decent for someone who lives below the poverty line, but I have little faith that I'll be able to find the kind of competent, trauma-centered support I had for four years prior. That was an absolute miracle. So much good work was done in there, as far as the basics of trauma and how it has affected me. We did mostly CBT. It did not help me as much as forming a safe relationship with another person (my therapist), releasing myself from the blame of the sexual abuse, and starting to love and be gentle with myself. But for the last year I was with her, we were stuck and I just felt that it was time to move on; the seasons changed. She gave me a graduation ceremony, very special.

I've always been spiritual (not so much religious), and it is what has kept me palpating the cliff of darkness towards a pinprick of light. So far it's been right all along. And even though, since August of last year I've fully thrown myself into dysfunction, seclusion, and agoraphobia, I feel blessed to have access to kind places on the web. Mainly, one called BeyondMeds. I learned that all of these symptoms correspond with the symptoms of Shamanic Initiatory Illness, and have, for thousands of years. In other words - I need to submerge into the fire completely, in order to become the wounded healer I am called to be. I have felt myself get stronger. But...

But, as I was writing above, I'm embarrassed because I play online games to self-soothe. It's what kept me okay and feeling "safe" during the abuse and up to now. I recently gave up one game (I am pretty sure this time it's permanent), to fall into the trap of another - buying three months of premium subscription for a big discount. It's a place where I can have my own plot of land and make it a beautiful, safe space. I could also continue blogging about it, but this time make beer money from Google ads.

I'm relieved to see, though, that this time around there is a more sensible "part" of me that argues with the former part. She sees through the fluff and knows that since I've lost so many years to coping by gaming, I deserve to discover as much wonder and freedom in the real world, as possible. I know that this tug of war between them is part of the process of learning. Everything is actually as it should be. Universe in its divine wisdom has orchestrated everything to go at its own pace. I just wish I could explain this to my two friends, when I excitedly told them that they are welcome to come visit me online.

I need to be dysfunctional right now, to become stronger. I am very glad that I am blessed with this chance to step away from the world and observe it. Now, not only am I awakened and aware, but I'm out of the matrix, too. I look at everything through the eyes of emotional intelligence, and the world is thus, much much easier to understand and digest.

This is where I stop rambling for now.

Do they hinder healing?

I survived my abuse by immersing myself in video games for hours on end (and creating music).
I'm 36 now, and feel embarrassed to still have this ravenous hunger to play them, every few months. I don't know what this hunger is. They are soothing but temporarily.

Just curious.

(continued) - being around people, I feel happy and forget my worries.

I don't understand why such a drastic contrast. What terrifies me so much about being alone? In the words of my boyfriend, "Essentially we are all alone". Then why is it so traumatic for me? Even one hour spent alone in my room, and my mood begins to plummet.

Can anyone relate? Thoughts on why the contrast is so sharp?

Alas, I cannot find this in User Manual. What are the allowed maximum dimensions of an avatar picture?

And off topic/odd curiosity: How is this forum/Out of the Fog funded? Is this a nonprofit?

I felt so inspired at the end of this summer. I found a great, supportive man. He never says a harsh word. Makes love to me so beautifully. Makes me feel like a woman. I said to myself, "I'm ready to improve my life. I'm unemployed again, but I could go back to school." Skip forward to now. Music courses, I dropped (music is my calling... I'm *!). Bookkeeping courses - not able to finish on time. He is the one who recommended bookkeeping. This way, "I'll always have a job". I don't know what I will tell him. Every single job I've ever had has been a mostly very unpleasant experience; frequently humiliating for me. I'm putting off work search yet again.

I think I have PTSD from a few separate incidents. C-PTSD from CSA. C-PTSD from previous marriage to a man who yelled at me at least once a week, while I lay in bed sobbing my heart out. This went on for five years. Then PTSD from workplace, starting with my first job. Not only did I have to daily rub shoulders with my CSA abuser, but my boss yelled at me in his office, calling me dumb; sexually harrassed me. Also, my recent PTSD is from a long-distance relationship for one year. We were ultimate soulmates, telepathically in touch with one another. I knew that when texts and calls from him were sparse, he was seeing or having sex with other women. I worried to no end, drowning in pain. Now I have separation anxiety, and require people to never ignore my texts or calls, especially my boyfriend. And, lastly, PTSD from one year of living with a sociopathic roommate, trapped with her.

So, it seems that the older I get, the more all of these things accumulate somewhere inside of me, in a very painful spot that never seems to heal. I don't know why I have this cursed sensitivity to harsh words and violent communication. Each instance seems to disable me even more. If only I did not have this sensitivity. I -am- highly sensitive, but this sensitivity feels different.

I feel that maybe the more I push, or attempt to push myself to assimilate into society, the more avoidant of it I become. I'm giving thought to applying for disability based on my PTSD, and if all goes well, just taking care of myself with as much support as I can, until I get better. My previous therapist was against my going on disability, which I could not understand and resented.

I just watched the whole 2014 Rosemary's Baby for the second time. I usually absolutely can't watch gore but tolerated it this time. More than that, Rosemary's emotional trauma - the constant crying and screaming and not knowing where to turn - made me feel really good and "built" me up. This is so insane. What is the dynamic behind this?

I'm 35, survivor of incest (father/daughter). Recently unemployed and sinking back into depression. Scared that I will never be able to achieve my dreams. I keep failing.

Wishing I could age faster so that the end of my life draws nearer and then I'm outta here.

I don't belong anywhere... I have had many people in my life leave because my life and my struggle made them feel too sad and powerless.

So, hello