Is my ability to bond with people permanently damaged because of trauma? Am I always going to be alone? I really wonder. I've always been more or less isolated because of social anxiety and avoidance interfering with my ability to socialize. I tend to be needy and overshare in some contexts, because of craving intimacy, too, even if it's kind of contradictory with being avoidant. I've been trying to improve on my social skills for years, and telling myself it's worth it to keep trying to connect with people, even though it's hard, and it hurts when it doesn't work, and it feels like it's something that's permanently not for me sometimes. I'm 26 and I still barely have any friends. I'm scared that as I get older, my ability to meet and connect with people is really not going to improve at all, because who's ever going to appreciate and respect someone like me -- with trouble holding a job and not much hobbies or excitement about anything because of depression? I don't think I'm alone because I'm hurtful. I take a lot of pride in not replicating the toxic behavior I was surrounded in through my family, like being manipulative or making hurtful jokes and things like that, but my way to relate to people is still not quite right. Like, I have a few friends but I feel like all my relations are asymmetrical, like others matter more to me than I do to them, always, and it scares me. I don't know if I'm unable to appreciate the proximity in the friendships I do have, or I'm genuinely a side character in the life of everyone who matters to me, it's hard to tell. I feel like I'm one step removed from being abandoned by everyone who matters to me, pretty much all the time.
I'm not in contact with my biological family. I feel like I haven't really had a family at all; any kind of parent figure to really show me safe and caring love, and give me guidance and reassurance. I wish I could have someone like that in my life. I really want a chosen family. I wish there was some kind of dating website analogue for that; messed up person looking for parent figure or sibling-like friend, anyone interested? But there isn't.
Can someone reassure me that it's not just me with these issues? That it can get better, that people like us get to bond with people and love and feel loved, too? That isolation and abandonment are things we can escape if we keep trying and believing it's worth it to reach out?
I'm not in contact with my biological family. I feel like I haven't really had a family at all; any kind of parent figure to really show me safe and caring love, and give me guidance and reassurance. I wish I could have someone like that in my life. I really want a chosen family. I wish there was some kind of dating website analogue for that; messed up person looking for parent figure or sibling-like friend, anyone interested? But there isn't.
Can someone reassure me that it's not just me with these issues? That it can get better, that people like us get to bond with people and love and feel loved, too? That isolation and abandonment are things we can escape if we keep trying and believing it's worth it to reach out?