Hi
Pray this finds you having a good day...
I have been treated for severe & complex PTSD with disassociation ( "Not DID or personality disorder type of disassociation but within the PTSD classification") & severe anxiety. I've had my share of multiple medical issues, a severe car accident with spinal & brain injury, a steel metal quad left ajar fell on my spine, I've had 8 transplant surgeries, muscle surgery, relearnt to walk, relearnt to see/use my eyes again after 5 yrs & 10 m's of living blind, having bad occular, vascular artery & regular migraines, severe joint, spine, neck & arthritic pain issues. I went from never taking otc or rx meds, only using natural stuff, to suddenly depending on over 2 dozen of them to be able to somewhat function. (Thankfully, it's now down to 12 or so!! I kept trying to get it lowered
I have had therapy for 20 years & I am finally trying & able to get my life back in order, but I've missed so much, it's hard to know where to start with life. I'm working on my finances etc. My student loan that was supposedly forgiven come back to haunt me (their error, but my headache) it's resolved thanks to this organization who thankfully helped me again. They were there during my "nonfunctional/ looking somewhat functional" period?!
Anyhow, my loans are forgiven due to severity & permanent illnesses (ugh
). Now I have to do my taxes in batches. My illness has taken a toll on my finances as time was always perpetually fleeting or slowed to a grind! I feel so useless but am determined to resolve things for my own integrity...
I missed payments because time & emotions were two strangers due to my severe disassociation! Omg, my food would rot because I wasn't eating it, I would leave my place with half of my body dressed or ill dressed for the climate. I didn't know where l was, who I was & where I lived & I was gone for hours or the full day/night in harsh environments , I'd have walked miles & miles in a daze, my weeks were like minutes etc, I got a medic alert in case someone found me. Dr's helped me tremendously, especially my therapist for 20 years & she is the usually the only person I truly vent to.. Therapy helped me emote, to feel again & helped my road to recovery, as did my team of Dr's for other issues. I was/am lucky to have a friend/partner who (for the most part) stuck by me through the illnesses, surgeries, day hospital & inpatient stuff etc. It was a lot!
BUT honestly, I've always done things on my own & lived In my own place throughout this...basically fending for myself making mistakes & trying my best to function on very little brain capacity, fragile mentally, physically & financially.
I ate very seldom dissasociating so noodles, canned food & fresh stuff was costly & always rotting. Surviving medically & mentally was above all else. It was confusing & I was perpetually feeling ashamed for being a medical, emotional & physical failure / mess as ever transplant failed, everyone would tell me how tired they grew of hearing the abundance of bad news. They should have seen how it was for me to hear & go through that. I had to learn to cope being blind shortly after I finally was able to walk! Throughout the ptsd would rear its ugly face as wouldp the brain damage. I couldn't see & I had virtually no memory or recall of my past or their voices, I didn't know a friend from a stranger. The more my sight came back the harder & scarier it was...
I am now, after 20 yrs, getting to the point where I finally think I'm ready to try to live a conventional married life, Covid helped that, the intimacy will still take it's time (it's been years) because of my "circumstance", my mental health illness is so much better, it's as good as it gets in my situation, & that says volumes! The physical injury & pain stuff is under control. Well in the past 2 weeks there was a setback as new meds gave me a potential life threatening reaction. I had to stay with him/them due to severe weakness, loss of blood, illness & med interactions. I was told not to be alone at all because l "needed ongoing monitoring"!
I don't want to bring my partner down with all my illness or my illness based financial woes. His job requires a certain level of discretion etc so they check him & If I want to marry, my finances will be seen as a hindrance or carelessness?! No one can read from numbers that I've been through * & back , had to fight for my life & my body, that I've been through severe types of abuse, fought like * just to keep my physical & mental body alive, it's as good as can be & given my circumstances Drs were surprised I maintained what I did & did it alone. I almost had a firm take over because of the medical distress I was experiencing.
Even when you want to progress, you feel like you'll be judged unfairly or be the cause of so :cheer:meone else's turmoil because of your illness. I would be utterly devastated if my "financial issues" looked like irresponsibility on paper rather than the struggle it was to maintain & sustain health. Sure they'll be told but i think it's black & white? I sure hope not because it confuses me into thinking whether I'm even good enough to finally marry. Sadly, I think I may FINALLY be ready after years of walking through the coals of * to get to this very point. Marriage seemed like unattainable dream. Time will hopefully heal, but damn it hurts to even get back in it after years of fighting to get here. It took years of getting use to trying to shift my surroundings, one day at a time, trying to feel safe & now that i'm actually seeing/doing it, I feel unworthy of it.
Have any of you felt in a no win situation?
You try your best but it's never enough , I pray for once I'm finally enough in eyes of someone who may have to judge me via my financial #'s & not who I am as a person or how much I've always raised others higher, have been there for people whilst my own world was silently crumbling & how I care deeply for humanity & the forgotten.
I feel everyone deserves chances at living their best life & their truth. I am too scared to bring it up with him because he's a nice guy who would down play it & act like he's fine but he'd worry deep down?! I've always helped, cheered & wanted him to grow & he has! I never let my illness get in his way & I am his perpetual cheerleader.
But now? 
All my progress, all my hard work to get here, may actually hurt! We're a society of numbers, a fast paced life & for those of us catching up? It's tough. Some of us are just looking for a break, a hint of compassion, a hope at joy & family, but does society look at you & see you as not good enough or like you're inept? Just another number amongst many?
So I ask, was it worth the decades of fighting /clawing to get here? Yeah. Does it suck? Yeah. I have no idea of the process, it recently came up a few days ago that he applied for somewhere. Hope he's successful! I just don't want to stunt his ambitions if we marry because I had the misfortune of someone's brutal abuse, or for being a passenger in the wrong car that got hit by a senseless driver, or because it was all too much so I temporarily lost my mobility, sight, brain power & mind. I'm only a flawed human trying to navigate this life...
Sorry for rambling, likely no ones going to read my silly life novel/ diatribe as it's a lot to handle. I'm so sorry, I just have nowhere else to ask but here. Out of the storm: only the person who's been through the storm can speak of its ferocity, it's peace & it's potential to cleanse.
I can't believe I'm even opening up here, thank you, at least I can get it out . I am not going to reread this as I've yet to actually hit the send button. The brain damage makes it tough to get my thoughts out clearly, pls forgive me if it's all disjointed, hard to decipher or a plain mess...I am sorry, all three are me, & much more.
Wishing you peace, good health, & harmony, in whatever way you seek or strive for it.
J
Pray this finds you having a good day...
I have been treated for severe & complex PTSD with disassociation ( "Not DID or personality disorder type of disassociation but within the PTSD classification") & severe anxiety. I've had my share of multiple medical issues, a severe car accident with spinal & brain injury, a steel metal quad left ajar fell on my spine, I've had 8 transplant surgeries, muscle surgery, relearnt to walk, relearnt to see/use my eyes again after 5 yrs & 10 m's of living blind, having bad occular, vascular artery & regular migraines, severe joint, spine, neck & arthritic pain issues. I went from never taking otc or rx meds, only using natural stuff, to suddenly depending on over 2 dozen of them to be able to somewhat function. (Thankfully, it's now down to 12 or so!! I kept trying to get it lowered
I have had therapy for 20 years & I am finally trying & able to get my life back in order, but I've missed so much, it's hard to know where to start with life. I'm working on my finances etc. My student loan that was supposedly forgiven come back to haunt me (their error, but my headache) it's resolved thanks to this organization who thankfully helped me again. They were there during my "nonfunctional/ looking somewhat functional" period?!
Anyhow, my loans are forgiven due to severity & permanent illnesses (ugh
). Now I have to do my taxes in batches. My illness has taken a toll on my finances as time was always perpetually fleeting or slowed to a grind! I feel so useless but am determined to resolve things for my own integrity... I missed payments because time & emotions were two strangers due to my severe disassociation! Omg, my food would rot because I wasn't eating it, I would leave my place with half of my body dressed or ill dressed for the climate. I didn't know where l was, who I was & where I lived & I was gone for hours or the full day/night in harsh environments , I'd have walked miles & miles in a daze, my weeks were like minutes etc, I got a medic alert in case someone found me. Dr's helped me tremendously, especially my therapist for 20 years & she is the usually the only person I truly vent to.. Therapy helped me emote, to feel again & helped my road to recovery, as did my team of Dr's for other issues. I was/am lucky to have a friend/partner who (for the most part) stuck by me through the illnesses, surgeries, day hospital & inpatient stuff etc. It was a lot!
BUT honestly, I've always done things on my own & lived In my own place throughout this...basically fending for myself making mistakes & trying my best to function on very little brain capacity, fragile mentally, physically & financially.
I ate very seldom dissasociating so noodles, canned food & fresh stuff was costly & always rotting. Surviving medically & mentally was above all else. It was confusing & I was perpetually feeling ashamed for being a medical, emotional & physical failure / mess as ever transplant failed, everyone would tell me how tired they grew of hearing the abundance of bad news. They should have seen how it was for me to hear & go through that. I had to learn to cope being blind shortly after I finally was able to walk! Throughout the ptsd would rear its ugly face as wouldp the brain damage. I couldn't see & I had virtually no memory or recall of my past or their voices, I didn't know a friend from a stranger. The more my sight came back the harder & scarier it was...
I am now, after 20 yrs, getting to the point where I finally think I'm ready to try to live a conventional married life, Covid helped that, the intimacy will still take it's time (it's been years) because of my "circumstance", my mental health illness is so much better, it's as good as it gets in my situation, & that says volumes! The physical injury & pain stuff is under control. Well in the past 2 weeks there was a setback as new meds gave me a potential life threatening reaction. I had to stay with him/them due to severe weakness, loss of blood, illness & med interactions. I was told not to be alone at all because l "needed ongoing monitoring"!
I don't want to bring my partner down with all my illness or my illness based financial woes. His job requires a certain level of discretion etc so they check him & If I want to marry, my finances will be seen as a hindrance or carelessness?! No one can read from numbers that I've been through * & back , had to fight for my life & my body, that I've been through severe types of abuse, fought like * just to keep my physical & mental body alive, it's as good as can be & given my circumstances Drs were surprised I maintained what I did & did it alone. I almost had a firm take over because of the medical distress I was experiencing.
Even when you want to progress, you feel like you'll be judged unfairly or be the cause of so :cheer:meone else's turmoil because of your illness. I would be utterly devastated if my "financial issues" looked like irresponsibility on paper rather than the struggle it was to maintain & sustain health. Sure they'll be told but i think it's black & white? I sure hope not because it confuses me into thinking whether I'm even good enough to finally marry. Sadly, I think I may FINALLY be ready after years of walking through the coals of * to get to this very point. Marriage seemed like unattainable dream. Time will hopefully heal, but damn it hurts to even get back in it after years of fighting to get here. It took years of getting use to trying to shift my surroundings, one day at a time, trying to feel safe & now that i'm actually seeing/doing it, I feel unworthy of it.
Have any of you felt in a no win situation?
You try your best but it's never enough , I pray for once I'm finally enough in eyes of someone who may have to judge me via my financial #'s & not who I am as a person or how much I've always raised others higher, have been there for people whilst my own world was silently crumbling & how I care deeply for humanity & the forgotten.I feel everyone deserves chances at living their best life & their truth. I am too scared to bring it up with him because he's a nice guy who would down play it & act like he's fine but he'd worry deep down?! I've always helped, cheered & wanted him to grow & he has! I never let my illness get in his way & I am his perpetual cheerleader.
But now? All my progress, all my hard work to get here, may actually hurt! We're a society of numbers, a fast paced life & for those of us catching up? It's tough. Some of us are just looking for a break, a hint of compassion, a hope at joy & family, but does society look at you & see you as not good enough or like you're inept? Just another number amongst many?
So I ask, was it worth the decades of fighting /clawing to get here? Yeah. Does it suck? Yeah. I have no idea of the process, it recently came up a few days ago that he applied for somewhere. Hope he's successful! I just don't want to stunt his ambitions if we marry because I had the misfortune of someone's brutal abuse, or for being a passenger in the wrong car that got hit by a senseless driver, or because it was all too much so I temporarily lost my mobility, sight, brain power & mind. I'm only a flawed human trying to navigate this life...
Sorry for rambling, likely no ones going to read my silly life novel/ diatribe as it's a lot to handle. I'm so sorry, I just have nowhere else to ask but here. Out of the storm: only the person who's been through the storm can speak of its ferocity, it's peace & it's potential to cleanse.
I can't believe I'm even opening up here, thank you, at least I can get it out . I am not going to reread this as I've yet to actually hit the send button. The brain damage makes it tough to get my thoughts out clearly, pls forgive me if it's all disjointed, hard to decipher or a plain mess...I am sorry, all three are me, & much more.
Wishing you peace, good health, & harmony, in whatever way you seek or strive for it.
J