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Dear "Colleagues,"

I want to write nasty words and send them to you.  I want to hurt you like you hurt me.  And yet would that actually make me feel better?

As I grow into my knowledge and understanding that I am autistic, it makes the way you treated me feel even worse. 

You crushed me.
You destroyed my spirit.
You left me feeling small.
You took advantage of me.

And I blame myself.  I hate you, but because you aren't here anymore, I turn it on myself. 

I wish I knew if you think about me.  I wish I knew that you felt sorry for how you acted.  I wish I could move past this.

I wish the pit in my stomach would go away.  I wish the images of your faces would fade.  You pressed against my childhood abuse and used my healing against me.  I trusted you and you betrayed me.

I also left.  I could have stayed and continued to endure your treatment.  But I didn't.  And I think that leaving was the only way I could send a message.

I hurt still and am not sure what to do with that hurt.

Recently my autocorrect made journal to journey and I like that for this year.

Today was a chill day - a special breakfast, a hike in a new place, and rest.  I also connected with other speech therapists online about how they approach supporting themselves in our work.  One person shared their experiences with requesting accommodations from their school district.  It was helpful although I am afraid of taking that step for myself.

Something regarding work has been becoming clearer and I will try to put to words what I am noticing. 

School and relationships growing up were not easy but work has always been where my differences are most notable and where I experience the most difficulty.

I have not had a single job in my life (including babysitting and lifeguarding as a teen) where I didn't experience some sort of "what's her deal?" and covert shaming by others.  That leads me to today where my brain and body are convinced I cannot be a worker and that I will always be a target.  This isn't entirely misguided - there is a lot of evidence for it.  There is also evidence against it - I have obtained a number of jobs and voluntarily (even if some of that volunteering was after a lot of bullying) left. 

I hope some of this year is me radically changing my relationship to work.  Now that I understand I am autistic and live with CPTSD, I believe I can figure out how to better support myself. 

Hello All,

I am working on the exercise outlined at the website below and wanted to share the link in case it was supportive to anyone else.

https://neuroclastic.com/who-am-i-printable-resource-for-connecting-with-your-core-self/?fbclid=IwAR2lDM9yqysAEHRgloKu6PqCgfI39QjOhiCy99A5KRn1VfARHN3QjcrLugU

I'm curious for any thoughts or reactions -

When you are in an EF or in flight, fight mode, do you prefer for others to be around or to be left alone?

Dear Rainy,

Today you noticed depressed feelings at the thought of going back to work.

You feel like it doesn't matter what you do, that no one cares.

You have so many ideas and feel like there is no one to hear them.

You feel like people just want you to do your work in a way that they think you should do without considering the merit in your perspective.

You feel like it isn't possible to work without becoming a target and experiencing bullying and gaslighting.

Your heart feels heavy because you deeply care about children and doing what you can to support those you meet. 

You see patterns and want to impact systems.

You want someone to notice how hard you work.

You want to feel like you are part of a team.

You want to put your ideas into action but don't know how.

I am writing this to say I notice these things and I care about you.  I notice all the weight you carry and how hard you are working to lighten that load.

This past year was especially hard.  People hurt you and let you down.  You continue to demonstrate resilience.  I think the time has come to let go of some things.  You don't always have to bounce back.  It is ok to feel the hurt.  You will always do what is needed.

This coming school year I hope you will find opportunities to adjust defensiveness if that is supportive.  I hope that you put your energy and passion into something you care about and let the rest slide.  I hope that you take days off for yourself.  I hope you hold onto the light that makes you you.

Hello M,

I miss having you in my life.  You often spoke of being a witness to my healing and growth.  I really needed that.

When I left you said I could stay in touch.  I did and shared some of my challenges.  We had a weird interaction and I haven't heard from you since.

I thought that maybe you felt awkward about that interaction.  So I tried to reconnect and you haven't responded. 

I don't need you in my life the way I did before.  But the loss of you completely is heavy.  I have a gap that I am trying to fill.  I am trying to show myself the care you showed.

I wish I understood what happened.  But I don't think I'll ever know.  I hope that you are ok and I hope you know I miss you.

Dear K,

I have been feeling incredibly hurt by the distance between us.

I used to feel safe and comfortable to reach out.  I don't anymore.  The last time I reached out you expressed a need for space.  I gave it.

I am hurt by the ways you have of late expressed what I perceive to be toxic positivity.  It bugs me and leaves me feeling unsettled.

As I thought about our relationship, I wondered if perhaps I took more than I gave.  Or maybe that is a story I am telling myself.  I think we both reached out when needed and now we don't.

I could try to reach out and express my wish for us to reconnect.  But I am hesitant to do so.  I don't want to be rejected.  It seems like you are going through a lot and I am not a friend you need as much anymore.

This hurts because it has happened to me time and time again.  I moved a lot growing up and felt people slip away time and time again.  On top of my parents being abusive, I lost people I needed time and time again for my dad's job.

Perhaps we have served the purpose we were meant to for each other.  I am sad that is over.  I think in the future if I was really in a bind you might lend a listening ear....but for now I am grieving.

Dear "Colleagues,"

I haven't seen you in almost a year and yet each day I feel as if I will come around a corner and there you will be.

Lying.

Cheating.

Gossiping.

Disrespecting.

Gaslighting.

Maintaining your power.

Making fun of students.

You were horrible to me but I really cannot forgive how you laughed at and made fun of students.  I wish they had better.

I feel a deep need to understand why you treated me so low.  I made a lot of mistakes and exerted a lot of effort trying to please you and do my job the best I could.

Yet you looked down on me from day 1.  Ignored me, went behind my behind my back, acted like I was an alien. 

I want to know that you feel badly for what you did.  I doubt you even give me a second thought because I am no longer there challenging you.

I wish I could leave behind the hurt I feel from my time being your "colleague." 

I reflected a bit in my journal about how I don't feel like an adult.  A fellow community member asked me some follow up questions that seemed like it might be supportive to open up to the community.

The questions they posed to me were what would make me feel more like an adult or what do I see as an adult?

I do think I am really influenced by culture as well as harmful systems about what makes an adult.  When I hear the word adult I see someone with a professional job, a family, a car, has a lot of answers, seems confident, has a lot of friends, owns a home, is involved in the community.

Very few of those things apply to my life.  I also don't actually believe those are things that make someone an adult.  They are really influenced by a lot of "isms" that keep us stuck. 

I think what I would like to be is someone that responds versus reacts, feels joy, feels comfortable with myself, sets boundaries. 

I can do those things when working with students on my caseload or children in general. 

But it falls apart when I speak to many other adults.  I don't see myself as an adult with many people especially with men and people in positions of authority.  I still don't think I've gotten over the dynamic of my parents (especially my dad) looming over me and losing it. 

I also have been able to do those "dream" things with a few adults.  What they have in common is they communicate directly, are open to hearing my perspective, are mostly honest and upfront with me, and our relationship feels two ways.  No one is perfect and the folks that fall into this category also caused me harm.  But I think that we could have talked about it and worked through it.

It is interesting how I am getting caught up in the a very specific and biased image versus actions of an adult.  I don't fit the image I described and this makes me feel like my version of adulthood doesn't count.  I also haven't fully found my way to work with or through my feelings of how small my parents made me feel. 

I am going to take a break from the forum for a bit. 

I was made of holes
Words and ways of understanding poured through these holes
Resisting their names
Keeping me from the truth

One day I caught what was pouring out
I held in my hands and looked at it
Really looked at it
"This is part of me," I realized and I said it's name

From that day, it continued and continues to pour
And I have progressed from trying to catch all that poured out
Some of the holes healed
Some are covered with gold
Others are barely covered
And some never will

I have names and words and understanding
And sometimes it all feels so heavy
And breaks my heart in ways I wouldn't expect

For now I try to care for those holes
Resisting yet hugging the hurt that caused them

I am grieving for you
Even though I've never liked you
Your story and life have inspired me
I am proud of the risk you took
To leave a hurtful and abusive home
I don't think you healed or made peace
You passed on trauma to my mother
Which she passed on to me in my cells
Today I cried because you are dying
After years of dementia
I am grieving because you've been scared
Even though I've never liked you
You made me feel silly
I never felt like I knew you
I never felt comfortable around you
Your childhood home made me feel eerie
Which now I know is because it was
I wish you hadn't suffered
I wish you have a peaceful transition
I hope for strength
In how your death will shift dynamics 
I hope for strength
To keep healing
Thank you for being courageous
In the ways you could
It made a difference and gave me a chance

I used to get my fill from your presence
I felt a well of comfort inside
I heard a reassuring echo from within

This delicate structure stood on
A faulty foundation
Of years and years and years of no comfort

What I ignored is how each misunderstanding
Left cracks in the side
Small tiny holes where my comfort slowly seeped out

When our worst storm arrived my well crumbled
I stumbled and fell
When I looked up I saw the desert I was in

I have felt alone ever since
Ashamed of the assumptions made about what you must mean to me
The echo of reassurance now a ghostly empty howl of despair

I am learning to build a new well
From providing myself comfort
But I am still in the desert
Hoping for a helping hand
..........
This evening I had a very sad revelation.  In meeting new people at work, I've had several folks make assumptions about the comfort my husband must have brought when he got to our new home.

I feel so much shame when they speak about their own relationships and my experience is so different.  I don't want to say anything because of my shame and other reasons I can't really identify right now. 

I wrote this poem to try to express my feelings which really come down to how I've felt responsible for providing my own comfort for so long and it is lonely.

Hi All,

I want to acknowledge up front that this podcast is from stuttering research.  The intended audience speech language therapists, however I think the conversation was often framed in ways that may be accessible to others. 

I found so much of it relatable to trauma experiences that I wanted to offer it here in case it is helpful to you.  I did find it a little activating to listen to, but it gave me more ways to understand myself and how I show up to work with my students. 

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/stuttering-foundation-podcast/id1484412687?i=1000541206532

A new year and I am ready for a different place to write.

Today started off difficult however I think the conflict was needed for growth.  But it does make me tired. 

I am trying to start the new year off with as many days of including yoga nidra as I can.  In group classes, I have found yoga nidra really unsettling.  Those were before I understood my trauma background.  Now I lie on my recliner and listen to a guided yoga nidra on YouTube. 

I am also considering the words heal and connect for this year. 

I hope to feel more rested tomorrow. 

I used to ignore
The water I was in
I didn't see it

I thrashed and struggled
Hitting the bottom
Not sure where to go to get up

One day I started to feel
The water I am in
I felt it all around me

I let it consume me
Push me
Pull me
Turn me
Flip me

I was dizzy and sad
I was sick and angry
I clung to anything I could hold
But I kept slipping

There was another day
Where I stopped
I floated
I didn't resist

I started to see
I could clear out the dangers
By facing them

One by one the dangers
Began to clear
And it was just me in the water

Riding the waves
Up and down
Facing some danger
Clearing out the water as I go

Hello all,

I am doing some learning for my professional license as a speech language pathologist. 

I am often surprised at how much the field of psychology has influenced treatments we do.  Some vocabulary crosses over that I find myself having strong reaction to.

One such word is  "Desensitize."  I personally do not like this word.  For me, it feels gaslighting like I shouldn't be having the reaction I am having. 

I think most folks probably don't see it that way and rather focus on the aim which is to adjust how one reacts to certain things. 
I also think most folks in my field aren't as trauma informed as they could be while most of my students I find experience trauma on some level.

I'm curious if anyone has any experiences or perspective to share on the word "desensitize."  I always feel nervous to ask other professionals in my field because they don't think about things the same way I do. 

At times like these
I can't find my way
My internal compass is lost

The voices outside of me
Overpower the voices inside
Again

No matter how many steps forward I take
Some things knock me down
And drag me back

What can I see this time?
I know I have fallen
And I still love myself

The forces aren't my fault
I am only a human
Doing my best

I started with disadvantages
Encoded in my cells
And reinforced by my environment

This time will pass
And I will move forward again
But for now I am lost

Dear PIL,

I dread your upcoming visit.  I am stuck in an EF and I can't figure out what is happening.  Why do you all get to me so much?

I think you all seek connection and you don't know how.  I cannot bear watching the abuse you inflict on your children.  It impacts me too because you constantly mess with my husband's mind.

You have not been kind to me since the day I met you.  You were cold and silent and excluding.  And yet you say you aren't those things.  I have witnessed time and time again how your words don't match your actions. 

I am asking myself what it is I want.  I don't want to see you all again.  You fill me with fear.  Some of the worst moments of my adult life have been at your hands.

Perhaps that is my issue.  I thought I was away from parental figures and then I married a person who is still very much trapped in his enmeshed, parentified child role.  Perhaps I feel afraid I will never be free of parents. 

The timing of your trip is horrendous.  Next week is a difficult anniversary and perhaps you didn't want to be on your own.  Yet, why is your eldest son and not a contemporary or person your own age your solace and comfort?  You do not see the negative impact your behavior has on your son.  He is already on edge and next week is going to suck.   

I cannot reconcile the human you created that is my husband with your behavior.  You are selfish, wounded people that have caused harm as parents.  You have yet to acknowledge that and given what I know of you, I don't expect that you will. 

I dread your visit. 

For decades of my life I didn't see that I was fragmented.

My pieces would catch and snag and I would keep going. 

I thought that is what I was supposed to do.

I was climbing up a mountain and kept stumbling.

Each stumble and misstep fragmented me even more.

But I kept going because it felt important to get to the top.

I finally made it to the top. 

In a single moment at the top, I felt all of my pieces align and I sensed the truth: I am abused. 

Then the pieces shattered and collapsed on the Earth in fragments.

I gathered these pieces up and began to examine them one by one. 

Luckily a deep and strong part of me held an outline and guide.

I found that I could still walk and move forward. 

It was still up another mountain as well as down into some valleys. 

Each step of the way, each piece I examined I could put back it I the outline. 

Some pieces hurt more to look at and connect. 

Those hurt pieces initially fragmented me again and again.

I started again and again to put myself back together.

As the pieces held more consistently, I saw that I wasn't putting myself back together.

I was always whole and good and worthy. 

And yet looking at those pieces was/is important. 

Some of the pieces still stick out and aren't fitting as well as they could. 

But I remember the feeling of being completely aligned and present with all of my truth and possibility and feeling and being. 

I will keep walking and seeking that wholeness.