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I have people I've known over the years that seem especially close to their families.

They go on vacation together, do a lot of shared activities, and even move as adults to be close to each other.

It makes me feel weird because I don't have that and also because there isn't anything inherently wrong with what they are doing.

Maybe I'm jealous or scared for them or confused.  I don't know how to make sense of it or why it is something I think a lot about at times.

I planned a meeting with a group of people.


The original invite list was small but word of mouth had me adding more people.

One person that reached out to be invited is someone I didn't want to invite.  I opted to invite them to see how it would go.

It went as I expected.  This person talked over me, invalidated what I said, and kept offering advice when that wasn't the purpose of the meeting.  I am most upset with myself for not saying anything or setting any boundaries.

One of my colleagues shared that this coworker is really hard for her to work with as he reminds her of an ex husband.  I noticed that she didn't even speak during the meeting.

I am working to not feel responsible for that dynamic.  To be honest when she talks she tends to be very similar to him.

But I am also wanting to be more direct about some boundaries with people who do this.

I was thinking that at our next meeting in December we set some community agreements.  I also wish I hadn't sent the invitation to him. 

I am mostly wishing I could stop being hard on myself for how today went.  I think people beyond the two I mentioned here had a good experience.  But I don't like being talked over and being invalidated by someone that wants to feel important and not listen to others.

I am noticing that I am navigating the highs and lows of my emotions better than in the past.

For so long I've been so drained I haven't been able to do anything after work and needed to spend most of my weekend recovering. 

Those things are still true but I am getting better at resting.  And now I am doing an art class after work once a week.  Yesterday I went to a concert that completely threw off my routine and I handled it relatively well today.

I would still rather be on my own most of the time but I am also more able to interact in ways I normally would have avoided.

Something is bothering me about a conflict I am in with a coworker.

This coworker and I have a big difference of opinion in how to approach work with a particular group of students. I don't think she realizes (or maybe is just realizing) that I don't agree with her and that what she is doing isn't actually affirming to the students.

This difference has pushed us further apart over time and has recently widened because I set a boundary with her regarding a training she is organizing for teachers.  I want her to stop what she is doing and she also is very self assured that her approach is fine (or stuck in admitting to herself that she is wrong).

My perspective is informed by lived experience both as a member of that group (being autistic) as well as knowledge and living with CPTSD (which her approach could lead to for these students).

I know that I could talk to her.  I also don't feel like talking to her is safe at this point.  And both of these points make me feel upset.  I want to want to talk to her and also am really scared.

Even though it is hard for me to be in conflict, I think I do have good skills to manage when another person is willing. 

But I am stuck because I know that she will be resistant and I am scared of consequences that could fall on me because she is more savvy at navigating the social power and structures than I am.

I am feeling really low today.  I'm not sure I've cycled through my emotions about a recent a-ha I had.

I am realizing how I have fallen into a dynamic with the principal and the special education teacher at the school where I work which is me still trying to received approval and validation from my parents.

I feel so ashamed of this.  It's embarrassing.  And I can't seem to stop and break out of the cycle I'm in.  I'm still stuck in some of the actions I've been doing and that is making me feel really ashamed.

What I am seeking is to be seen and heard.  And it's not working so I feel distressed and disconnected.

I sort of manage to feel ok when I am home but am stuck when I get to work. 

I haven't really spoken to my FOO beyond a few texts here and there around birthdays. 

I don't want to talk to them because every conversation is predictable and surface and not acknowledging of any of the things that happened over the years.

And yet, I feel this sense of grief.  I also feel shame like I am doing something wrong.  I feel like no matter what I am not living up to their expectations.

I wish I had a family that cared about me.  I wish I had a family that would talk through what happened and make things better. 

I wish I had been cared for the way I needed growing up so that I didn't feel perpetually disconnected from other people.

Our way has just been to lose connection over time.  I tried and tried and tried for long.  And it's never been good enough.  I feel like us "losing touch" will somehow also be my fault in their eyes. 

It's like I can't have the relationship I want and need but am left with pain and hurt instead. 

My cat's quality of life continues to decline.  I plan to talk to her vet about my options for her.  She is closer to her time than she was before. 

I wrote a poem for her while I sit here and cry at the prospect of her not being a daily part of my life but also not wanting her to suffer.
...............

You are the cat for me

Unnoticed by others
But bright to me

I gave you the time you needed
And you gave me the time I needed

Slowly and surely
We grew together

You bring so much joy
You bring so much light

You are the best cat for me

I was looking up something lately based on how I was feeling.  I saw an article that said something along the lines of "you teach others how to treat you." 

This phrase rubs me the wrong way and I'm curious what others think.  I've been experiencing a lot of shame since reading this.

I would say that statement doesn't account for trauma and how brains work when under stress.  It doesn't account for diversity in how brains experience the world.

I do see how we can communicate our needs and preferences to others. 

But I just can't move past how awful that phrase sits with me.

I wanted to reflect on some things I've noticed this week since returning to work.

A big one is that there is a person who I had tons of conflict with when I first started this job.  This week our noticed that our relationship has really shifted over the past several years and now we seem on our way to becoming supportive of each other.  I noticed that even other folks in our speech therapist group who were really mean to her being more inclusive. 

I am noticing how by being myself and reflecting openly on my growth, it is having a positive impact on others.

I have also been more able to have conversations with people this week than I have in the past and actually be a support for them.

I also was able to reconnect with myself today using a self-compassion exercise on Kristen Neff's website.

I am still struggling but I am also trying to acknowledge what is going well.

I'm not sure if I titled this thread well but it was the closest to what I am trying to work toward.

I am curious if anyone can relate or has ways they manage.

I had a few work interactions over the past few weeks that have left me feeling ashamed.

During these interactions I was emotionally dysregulated and shared thoughts and concerns in a way that isn't going to get help or support in the way I need.

What I think happened:

People still feel generally unsafe to me and I tend to expect to be hurt or dismissed. 

Given this mindset, I think I keep myself stuck in a place where I feel like I have no agency or ability to get my needs met or viewpoint heard.

I am realizing that when I walk out the door to go to work, I tend to go into "auto pilot" in order to cope and don't feel prepared almost ever to interact with most people.

I think what I would like to shift is feeling more prepared or confident in interacting with others.

I don't want to give up on myself like it feels like I am doing. 

There are reasons I do that but I am really tired of feeling so much lingering shame for my emotional dysregulation.

I think there are ways to say "I'm not feeling my best right now" in a way that doesn't send the other person into fight or flight too.

I mostly need to vent about something that happened at work.  I work in public schools in the US.

At the beginning of each school year, the place I work at has some trainings they call Summer Institute.

This year I was excited by a class they were offering and signed up (and was grateful to escape the boring ones otherwise offered). 

Today I received an email about the class that boiled my blood.  The email said that the class was intended for folks that work with secondary students in grades 6-12 and that those of that work in elementary schools wouldn't be paid for attending that training.

The reason my blood boiled is because before today there was literally no indication that class was meant for that targeted audience. 

The way the person wrote that email made it sound like the many of us elementary folk that signed up were clearly wrong and how could we be so silly. 

Ironically the class is about how to be inclusive of kids with disabilities.  To me this type of interaction is what makes it hard to develop inclusive environments.  Gaslighting people when you made a mistake is so frustrating and demeaning.

I want to speak up but also know it would not be received and it would simply reflect negatively on me.

I would have appreciated if the person had just acknowledged that they made a mistake in titling the course otherwise none of the folks she needed to email would have signed up.

What I also want to say to that person is I am tired of being made to feel like my reality is not happening.

I've been frustrated with the thoughts from several different folks in my life that I am a "people pleaser."

While I don't necessarily deny that I do things that would be categorized as "people pleasing" I am also thinking about the fawn response and how people pleasing is fawning.

I think that calling it people pleasing feels judging to me and like it's something I am intentionally doing.  When people say I am a people pleaser I feel let down and unsupported and ashamed.

When I think about it as fawning, I recognize that my brain is trying to keep me safe.  It may not be a great strategy and not working for me anymore (or really ever have worked), but it is my brain doing its best to respond to the things that have happened to me.

I don't particularly want to ignore reality or not face uncomfortable truth about myself.  But sometimes other people just miss the mark of what is happening internally for me and that leaves me feeling more alone.

I am wondering if anyone else experiences time blindness and what you have found to be helpful in supporting yourself.

I notice I have the most trouble on days where I don't have work or clear structure.  I get stressed by things I need to do to adult (like chores) and worry about not having time to do things I enjoy.

I have tried roughly planning out each day with a written calendar - just giving a rough estimate of what I'll do hour by hour.  That is helpful for me to realize that the stuff I don't particularly want to do won't actually take that long and I'll have time to do things I like.

I am wondering if this has a bigger impact on me than I am recognizing though.

Dear Parents,

I got began working with an orthodontist earlier this year and am now wearing Invisaligns.

I am angry at you for not supporting my need for braces when I was younger.  I never understood why you got braces for my siblings but not for me. 

I know you have a story that says why but it often felt like a vanity thing or related to money.  How it makes me feel is that I'm not good enough.

I resisted getting braces for a long time because it felt overwhelming and scary and embarrassing.  But every time a child I work with makes a comment about teeth, it hurts.  Every time an adult looks at my mouth with a look that says "*," it hurts.

I tried to pretend for a long time it didn't bother me.  But it does and did.  I still feel worry that I am being judged when I go to the orthodontist (even though he has literally never made me feel judged). 

I am trying to take actions that will help me feel more confident.  I wish you knew how hurtful your lack of support is.

Something that is weighing on me is that I have not told anyone in my family that I am autistic.

I wish I had a family that I could talk to about that.  But telling them would be more harmful than helpful so I don't plan to say anything.

I am glad to be back and to take time to explore my thoughts and experiences here.

I look back on the past year and see how far I've come.  As some things heal, other things still feel incredibly hurtful.

My in-laws will be coming in a few weeks time.  It feels like they are always coming.  I would be fine if I never had to see them again.  I know that isn't reasonable given a lot of factors...but it is how I feel.

I tried sharing my perspective with my husband during a shared counseling session.  I think he understood my perspective more than the counselor did.  But, he continues to not register what his family does as abuse so it's hard for things to change too much.  All I can do is try to take care of myself.

I'm also just generally struggling with my "relationship" to my family.  I am in this place where I feel like my parents don't like me.  They don't really try to reach out anymore and if I send them a brief update of something neutral, I don't get much of a response. 

I think my struggle is with the pressure for how things are "supposed to be" and how they really are for me.  I feel a lot of anxiety and shame.

Hello All,

I was a member of the forum for a number of years and took an unexpected break from posting last year.  The year was getting to be too overwhelming and I found my participation to be draining my energy.  I am in a much better emotional and mental place than I was a year ago.

I am back because the topic of family is weighing really heavy for me right now.  I feel completely invalidated by many people for the approach I feel I need to take in managing my "relationship" to my own family and to my husband's family.  I also just generally feel this deep wound for the ways in which family has harmed me and how our society is constantly emphasizing how family is everything.

I hope to get support for the feelings that are coming up.  I think I finally found a therapist that will be supportive but there also isn't anything like folks that have shared experience.

Dear "Colleagues,"

I want to write nasty words and send them to you.  I want to hurt you like you hurt me.  And yet would that actually make me feel better?

As I grow into my knowledge and understanding that I am autistic, it makes the way you treated me feel even worse. 

You crushed me.
You destroyed my spirit.
You left me feeling small.
You took advantage of me.

And I blame myself.  I hate you, but because you aren't here anymore, I turn it on myself. 

I wish I knew if you think about me.  I wish I knew that you felt sorry for how you acted.  I wish I could move past this.

I wish the pit in my stomach would go away.  I wish the images of your faces would fade.  You pressed against my childhood abuse and used my healing against me.  I trusted you and you betrayed me.

I also left.  I could have stayed and continued to endure your treatment.  But I didn't.  And I think that leaving was the only way I could send a message.

I hurt still and am not sure what to do with that hurt.

Recently my autocorrect made journal to journey and I like that for this year.

Today was a chill day - a special breakfast, a hike in a new place, and rest.  I also connected with other speech therapists online about how they approach supporting themselves in our work.  One person shared their experiences with requesting accommodations from their school district.  It was helpful although I am afraid of taking that step for myself.

Something regarding work has been becoming clearer and I will try to put to words what I am noticing. 

School and relationships growing up were not easy but work has always been where my differences are most notable and where I experience the most difficulty.

I have not had a single job in my life (including babysitting and lifeguarding as a teen) where I didn't experience some sort of "what's her deal?" and covert shaming by others.  That leads me to today where my brain and body are convinced I cannot be a worker and that I will always be a target.  This isn't entirely misguided - there is a lot of evidence for it.  There is also evidence against it - I have obtained a number of jobs and voluntarily (even if some of that volunteering was after a lot of bullying) left. 

I hope some of this year is me radically changing my relationship to work.  Now that I understand I am autistic and live with CPTSD, I believe I can figure out how to better support myself. 

Hello All,

I am working on the exercise outlined at the website below and wanted to share the link in case it was supportive to anyone else.

https://neuroclastic.com/who-am-i-printable-resource-for-connecting-with-your-core-self/?fbclid=IwAR2lDM9yqysAEHRgloKu6PqCgfI39QjOhiCy99A5KRn1VfARHN3QjcrLugU