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Topics - Lostgirl

#1
Suicide Ideation/Self Harm / TW is this CPTSD related?
September 30, 2020, 11:27:44 AM
Is self harm part of CPTSD?
Sometimes I get so angry and frustrated at myself that I can't help hitting myself in the head, banging my head on the wall, scratching myself ect.
My H thinks that's more of a cluster B trait that just gets me even more angry and frustrated at myself as I can't explain why I do it.
I have done things in the past whilst in flashbacks that has hurt my family, I know it's not right to take my issues from the past out on my family and I am working hard with a trauma therapist to work on these issues.
My H has been hurt and the questions often come up of why I did things, why I didn't care ect. But I just can't explain it it's like I'm 2 different people when I'm in a flashback and the inner critic is in full control of me, I don't want to do what's going on but I have no voice and I can't stop myself.
Sorry if this doesn't make sense today is not a good day
#2
General Discussion / How do I move forward?
August 23, 2020, 10:18:57 AM
I don't really know where to start with explaining this..
I have had nearly 3 years of being a completely different person, out of control, nearly constantly triggered. But I didn't know that I had any issues at that time I thought my upbringing was normal and I had had a good life so far, blocking a lot of memories out and minimising situations. I have been convinced that I have never been SA for the last 15 years but now looking at things differently it has happened on more than one occasion.
My grandad died 3 years ago, he was my only positive male role model growing up, he was my safe person. Since he died I have spiraled completely out of control to a point where I don't even recognize myself, I have been 15/16 years old again, ignoring the fact that when I was in that state I didn't think about my family it was all about me the inner critic was in control, u couldn't see that my behavior was hurting my husband and children. I would drink myself to Oblivion and turn to abusive sex from others, I guess recreating the SA I suffered as a 15yr old. I was in full on self destruct. My personality wasn't there at all. It felt like I was watching from a distance I couldn't stop myself or say anything. This evil part was in complete control of my life.
Everything that had been going on all came out in February and piecing things together discovered that I was suffering from some kind of mental breakdown, I was assessed by the mental health team and they diagnosed depression and dissociation. We discovered that things were much more complicated and I was diagnosed with BPD (although we all believe it is CPTSD but my psychiatrist says complex trauma isn't a diagnosable illness🤦) following a suicide attempt in March after the break down of my marriage and ending up under the crisis team. I moved out of the family home and worked 1:1 weekly with therapists, finding out that this is all brought on from traumas in the past.
After 6 weeks my husband asked me to move back in after doing so much research and understanding the science behind it all.
(I am not using this as an excuse for my behavior I take full responsibility for my actions, I should not traumatize others because of my own trauma)

Anyway I have been working with a trauma specialist for the last 6 weeks, EMDR and ways of coping ect. Obviously the situation comes up on a nearly daily basis as my husband has been hurt so much.
My therapist has told me to say and believe that "it's not my fault" "I wasn't in control" "I am not that person"
I am finding it very hard to do as I am hearing most days how disgusting and awful my behavior has been, how everything is down to me, the hurt I have caused. And I don't know how to move forward?
My husband isn't to blame for any of this he has been nothing but supportive to me but he obviously has his own issues to deal with.
I don't really know what kind of response I want from this just need to get it down.
#3
RE - Re-experiencing Trauma / Strange Trigger
August 09, 2020, 09:00:05 AM
As I'm learning more and more about my triggers I have noticed a really strange one that I can't seem to work out or link back to my past.
When I hear my own name in the in the middle of a sentence I cringe and get a pang of panic and I have no idea why?
If someone's saying my name to ask a question or to get my attention it doesn't bother me but to hear it in a sentence seems so strange, almost like I don't deserve to have a name??
I don't know I can't seem to link it back to anything 🤷
#4
Sexual Abuse / TW. Is this SA?
July 17, 2020, 10:03:31 AM
Sorry if this is a bit TMO, this is a resurfaced memory that I haven't even thought about since it happened 15 years ago, my husband says its sexual assault, but I don't know if I'm just not letting myself see it as that or if it wasn't bad enough to be classed as SA but I cannot seem to grasp that it wasn't my fault.

Here goes...
I was 15 years old, I had met this boy (20yr old) the previous week and had relations with him. My parents were both out the house on this day, we had been messaging and I invited him round. We went upstairs and we're having sex and he told me to turn over. I was only 15 I just did what he said. He then tried to enter me from my back hole. I said no, he told me to relax and tried again. I again said no it hurts but he just carried on until he had finished. He left when he had finished and I was left having to wash bedsheets with blood on them.

I never told anyone about this as I have always felt that I put myself in that position and as I was so young I thought that's how it was meant to be and have often since then just let men do whatever they want to me.

It has only resurfaced to my memory in the last few months and looking back as an adult I'm in two minds if it was SA or not
Sorry for the long post
#5
Hi I'm new here and new to Cptsd

So today is my dad's birthday (my main abuser as a child).
Long story short he would make fun of me, put me down, sometimes be physically abusive, and generally cared more about himself than his family, spending his weekends in the pub or with his 12 motorbikes while my mam scrimped and scraped working 3 jobs to make sure my brother and I had what we needed.

I had a breakdown back in February and since then he has been the 'loving, doting father' which has confused me more than anything as he never was like that when I was a child. After sending me flowers with a note telling me how much he cared and loved me last week, I lost it and finally confronted him about how he was when I was a child over a text. He replied saying he can't remember giving me a black eye, never used to hit us, basically denied everything.
This left me questioning everything, but my mam and brother confirmed that I had remembered things right.

I have decided not to get him a birthday present or card as I find anything to do with him makes me extremely anxious and sends me back to feeling like a scared child. Although I have send him something from my children.

I guess I'm feeling triggered because I am expecting a backlash for not getting him anything, and starting to feel guilty like I am a bad daughter I can feel myself getting worse and I don't want to spiral out of control and SH again  :Idunno: