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I was raped repeatedly as a child and that's why I have trauma symptoms. But it's so difficult to talk about it and it seems like everyone wants to use phrases like sexual abuse instead.

I don't agree with 'CPTSD' either- I don't have a disorder, I experience the predictable and known effects of being raped as a child.
'CPTSD' and 'sexual abuse' are just metaphors to make other people more comfortable.

As a child and I was held down and raped- that's the truth.

I had bad experiences of study but I really want to participate in life, to fulfill more of my potential. I want to study writing but I just can't stand the thought of subjecting myself to what happens in higher education, people saying hateful or just ignorant things about child sexual abuse. Because whenever it happens I feel so unsafe and worthless.

I usually try to get language that excuses abuse addressed by those with power, to make it stop, but my past experiences trying to study writing is that head tutors tend to defend the actions of the person who was hurtful or offensive. Last time I was told it was "free speech" but what this other student said was absolutely disgusting. No-one else was upset by it so I felt so alone and invalid and worthless. I cancelled my enrollment.

I feel like if we survivors don't express ourselves then all we hear, in film or in literature, is from the abusers or enablers perspective. But in order to express myself I have to subject myself to hurt and abuse from others, and if I try to complain I have my feelings denied yet again by those in power.

It's like a reenactment or reinforcement of the original abuse. I'm abused, silenced and my reality denied. I had an ok experience studying a short course last year but I want to do a proper degree and it's there that I've found so many objectionable attitudes in the past. It almost feels like it's a badge of honour to some people to be insensitive to the impact of abuse and violence.

On top of this my partner never lets me talk about the abuse. So I'm scared that if I study then some days I'm only going to be around people who deny my reality, at home and at uni. That feels dangerous to my health. But I'm furious that I feel so afraid and so limited.

Trigger Warning: child sexual abuse, institutional child abuse

Hello fellow survivors,

My CPTSD was caused by a childhood of abuse by multiple abusers and in multiple settings. I was abused by my parents, by strangers and in state care I was abused in institutions and in foster care placements.

My greatest difficulty is in feeling safe in the world, because I found no-one and nowhere safe when I was a child. So many adults who were meant to be safe, who I was told to trust, sexually assaulted me. I was moved to 'safety' again and again, only to find it was not safe. I was moved from abusive adult to abusive adult. Art 15 I ran away from my foster care placement to avoid being abused again by the dad and was kidnapped on the street by a man who abused me until I was 18.

At 18 I ran away again, knowing this time I was safe at least from the state as I was 18, and finally found safety in a young persons housing program, where I was taken to a rape counseller and diagnosed with Complex PTSD.

At 38 I have been trying to heal from the abuse for 20 years now. I wish that the authorities would spend a minute being me and know how much confusion and pain it causes when you allow a child to be repeatedly abused. How I have spent so much time and money and so many tears trying to get some sort of life back.

I have never had a career, because I get bullied at work and I am so badly affected I can't go back. I spend a lot of time alone at home, because I have flashbacks and become very frightened. I was also assaulted by police as a child, so I experience feelings of terror when I see a uniform. I was abused by government workers as a child, so getting help from any kind of funded organisation is triggering and upsetting.

I have a private counseller, paid for by an organisation that is meant to support survivors of abuse in children's homes, but really just pays for my counselling, because, being a government funded organisation, so many things they do remind me of an abusive institution. They are able to pay for about half the sessions I really need.

I have a partner who supports me and I have some friends, so I am very lucky. I don't see anyone from my family of origin. I tried to see my mother but I felt suicidal every time.

I recently testified to a royal commission on child abuse in institutions, it was an awful experience, the commission staff were patronizing, insensitive and really pushy. It felt like being abused by another institution, this time by a commission that was meant to finally hear my abuse experience. The commission staff made me feel like a worthless piece of dirt. They said that us who survived child abuse in state care are now all violent, bad people who use drugs.

It's not true, it hurts like * that they think that. Some survivors used drugs, and maybe some turned bad, but we weren't bad kids, we were abused kids, and most of us are still not bad now at all. But we are suffering. I don't know why the commission was held when they seem to hate us so much still. The government hated us as children, they hate us as adults. They protected our abusers, who are really the bad ones, and they just shifted us around. None of the abusers who worked for the state have gone to prison.

I know this is too long, I wanted to say what I feel and what's happened. I feel so much grief and hurt over how cruel people are.  It hurts that everyone continues to support a system that continues to harm me: whether its enabling bullying at work or the ongoing hatred from government towards those it abused. It seems like it's okay with most people that I'm treated like *.

I feel like I am still being abused.