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Topics - EdenJoy1

#1
General Discussion / Am I too far gone?
November 02, 2020, 04:17:23 AM
I don't know if it would ever be possible to feel part of this world, connect and be happy. Has anyone done this much later in life? I have been at this since my 30's and now 61.  I just can't seem to fit in, feel connected, or feel anything.  I just plod along, hoping, praying, cleaning up the messes.
#2
I was born to an already broken marriage, mother mentally ill, father estranged, siblings left. Grandmother was in the picture for a while. I started running away from home. At 18 got married, then divorced. No one in my FOO has been in my life since. I have one child and he doesn't want to speak to me either. I have no one on planet earth to call a friend.
#3
I am too far gone.

Cannot play games. People expect me to be normal and then when they find out I'm not - have a grand time making me feel worse. I hardly ever interact anymore but when I do, I am in dissociative mode. I just can't deal anymore.

Are there any vlogs by anyone who is thriving with this?

Any success stories?

#4
From infanthood I've been plagued by physical illnesses that just got even more compounded due to the *treatment* I'd receive, if it were removal of glands, vaccinations, antibiotics and the constant feeding of fat and sugar. At 11 I began experiencing pain in my spine, then at 12 diagnosed with scoliosis, which I feel is a condition that's hereditary (family all has structrual problems) but more, that due to my mother's depression and the fighting during the 9 months of gestation, I was squirming during my spine's formation causing this. At 12 I was forced to wear a brace that was like a metal contraption, but I wouldn't. Then my nose began bleeding, then I had boils all over my body. That was just the first 12 years of my life.

Now I have hyperparathyroidism, fibroids, cysts and degeneration throughout my spine. I also have been suffering from superventricular tachycardia events, one this past week which my heart goes to up to 200 bpm. I've been at the ER so many times this year but I cannot do this anymore. There has to be another way. In most likelihood, everything is connected back to my spine, with a problem in the neck area which brings with it the gland problems and also the nerve that innervates the heart. I try really hard to care for self. But it's not enough for in relationship one heals apparently and this is the catch-22. I have lived in isolation for so long I simply have no ability to get to that level and am stuck. Today is a hard day to get through. Feel so heavy and out of it. A week that has been especially hard both physically and mentally.
#5
The ironic part of this, and I've done my crying about it, is that throughout there was no intervention. I had to almost die, runaway, get sick for anyone to even notice my existence. This existence wasn't about who I was as a soul, precious child, but who I was as mirror to them.  Pieces of me died along the way. I don't know any way or anyone who has ever emerged from type of life and became a loving, happy and confident person. Anywhere. I've looked. The stats are: every single type of trauma that could happen to a child from conception to 12 happened.  Holocaust survivors and Romanian orphans i identify with. I acted out as a child, then just retreated within. That's how it's been for so many years. My entire adult life.
#6
It's sad,  and it's taken its toll. I am watching a lot of families on YT and how they interact, how the parents are with their children and am still in a state of being on the one hand bewildered and the other bereft that this wasn't my experience, but was everything but. On Saturday I had a major depressive state where I was praying and crying, then had to look at some of my baby photographs. Maybe I missed something. I went through them again, all of them in a bag, just tossed in there, something like my inner child, it's there - she's there - but tossed in. And I'm looking at my baby eyes and they go from being vacant to terror and sadness. My father hated me and my mother pitied me. But she did feed me and while dealing with her life and depression and subsequent divorce from him, she parentified me and some point though I regressed. Then ate to compensate. I would hoard food. Lie and steal. I had no one to comfort me. It was a nightmare. There were report cards from nursery school and grade school where it was noted that I wasn't attentive and dreaming. Dissociating and disruptive - that was my mode in school. Nobody did ever rescue me. I was thrown to the wolves. Basically. How do you emerge from that/
#7
I was raised in isolation.  I have no relationships to humans. I was never able to attach to them, only to animals and nature. I would like to change this but have no more energy to deal with the world. I have no way of deflecting what I perceive out there and with people. I do have to occasionally interface with people, but it is extremely hard to this, for so many reasons, being able to read people and then not having boundaries so I internalize and then feel hurt by everything unless I go in fortified by praying and meditation. I don't have a therapist - left that years ago. I have severe trauma since infanthood.

How can I change this way of being?