Hello again everyone,
Been a while since my last post. I've been steadily keeping a journal, doing inner-child work and breathing for relaxation. I would say that I've been overall improving over the last few months. As an example, I need to speak in front of a group and give them instructions for my new job. I've never done anything like that before, I would avoid such situations in the past at all costs. I tuned into that meek little inner-voice in me that's positive and encouraging and I kept making him say "You can do this!" louder and louder until it was louder than my anxiety. Now that's the voice I listen when I'm anxious. I can actually look forward to the opportunity to speak in-front of everyone now
But I've hit a situation where I don't know what to tell myself. And it's holding everything back. It's stonewalled any attempt at inner-child work.
For background. I grew up in a dirty, unsafe hoarders home. Both my parents were dysfunctional, one was violent and erratic and the other was malicious, passive-aggressive, painfully indifferent. Enmeshment was large part of how we operated. I had no one I could talk to and I suffered in silence for a long time. Even when I left, I never talked about it.
I'm beginning to become aware of how much pain my inner-children are in. And that I can forgive; I didn't bring that upon myself. That home, those parents, were not my fault. But I'm beginning to accept that I took out my pain on others, even my own brother who never once wronged me. I know I have to heal, so I wont cause anyone else any pain, to be successful, to be responsible. But I'm so beside myself that I continued this awful cycle. I don't know what to tell myself.
Since writing that last paragraph, it came to me that I need to love my inner-children unconditionally. I don't know how to do that. I've only ever known conditional love. I don't have a clue what unconditional love would sound like in this situation. Does anyone have an example of unconditional love?
Been a while since my last post. I've been steadily keeping a journal, doing inner-child work and breathing for relaxation. I would say that I've been overall improving over the last few months. As an example, I need to speak in front of a group and give them instructions for my new job. I've never done anything like that before, I would avoid such situations in the past at all costs. I tuned into that meek little inner-voice in me that's positive and encouraging and I kept making him say "You can do this!" louder and louder until it was louder than my anxiety. Now that's the voice I listen when I'm anxious. I can actually look forward to the opportunity to speak in-front of everyone now
But I've hit a situation where I don't know what to tell myself. And it's holding everything back. It's stonewalled any attempt at inner-child work.
For background. I grew up in a dirty, unsafe hoarders home. Both my parents were dysfunctional, one was violent and erratic and the other was malicious, passive-aggressive, painfully indifferent. Enmeshment was large part of how we operated. I had no one I could talk to and I suffered in silence for a long time. Even when I left, I never talked about it.
I'm beginning to become aware of how much pain my inner-children are in. And that I can forgive; I didn't bring that upon myself. That home, those parents, were not my fault. But I'm beginning to accept that I took out my pain on others, even my own brother who never once wronged me. I know I have to heal, so I wont cause anyone else any pain, to be successful, to be responsible. But I'm so beside myself that I continued this awful cycle. I don't know what to tell myself.
Since writing that last paragraph, it came to me that I need to love my inner-children unconditionally. I don't know how to do that. I've only ever known conditional love. I don't have a clue what unconditional love would sound like in this situation. Does anyone have an example of unconditional love?