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Topics - meursault

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2
Inner Child Work / IC in Therapy today...
« on: March 17, 2017, 01:59:29 AM »
Did an interesting activity in therapy today that was very Inner Child related that might interest other people to try.  Actually, it might even be a good relationship building game!  My therapist brought a Jenga set, and all the pieces had either "Question", "Admire", or "Share" written on them.  Basically, if you got a piece out, you did that thing.  Ask the other person a question, say something you admire about them, or share something personal.  It was really good.  My therapist asked questions to my Inner Child mostly, like: "What is Little Meursault most scared of?" and that sort of thing. 

It was really good, and I felt very connected and EQUAL to my therapist doing that.  And actually cared for as well....  Our session lasted an extra twenty minutes because we were both doing really well with steady hands.

Anyhow, it was a good little exercise and it helped to feel closer to her and more accepted.  It was kind of a lighter session hat way than normal as well.

Thought that was pretty good, and maybe other people might want to try it.

Meursault

3
Recovery Journals / Meursault 2.0
« on: February 13, 2017, 03:21:20 PM »
Well, I'm basically going to pretend I have an inner child with polio, or is autistic or something, and have to work extra hard parenting him.  So I went to yoga yesterday.  It was good.  Then I asked three different women I know if they'd like to go for a coffee this week.  One has gotten back to me and said yes.  I think Valentine's Day is going to be a bummer, though.  Maybe I'll go and get a bunch of those cheap "Be My Valentine" cards and fill them out from a bunch of fake women to the little boy.  That may be an all right thing to do.  I'm going to go to a poetry slam on Wednesday and read some of my poetry.

***TRIGGER WARNING****

So, I was walking to yoga again this morning around 5:30, and a building before this bank, I looked up to see a woman hitting the ground and scrambling up, then as I came up, I was taking off my headphones, and she was grappling with this guy in the entrance to the ATM.  I said "This $#%@! ain't going to happen!" to them, and she said "He just tried to rape me!".  I asked her if she wanted me to walk her somewhere.  She was pretty angry and wound up, and he was very sheepish and distant.  He threw a knife on the ground and said "She just tried to stab me with this."  Yeah, right, then why was it inside your jacket?  I picked it up and told her I'd walk her if she wanted and she was just swearing at him, so I pulled out my phone and dialled 911.  She said "I don't want the $%#%@ cops" and started walking away.  He started walking away in the other direction as I talked to 911.  They were both gone by the time the cops showed up ten minutes later.  I dropped the knife on the ground and told them what happened and described both of them.  One cop got out and took the knife, and I headed off to yoga.  Ten minutes after I was done talking to the cops, I was laying in Savasana.  It was very weird.  That's the start of my week.  Don't know what happened really, but I feel pretty good about getting in the middle of it.  I was thinking as I walked:  how often have I had things like that happen?  15 or 20 for sure.  And I don't really understand it.  No-one gets aggressive with me.  I'm not small, nor big.  Five ten, one eighty pounds sort of thing.  I am completely relaxed in that sort of situation, though.  I think maybe I learned as a kid how being afraid and upset when in violence or being threatened just antagonized my Mom and my sisters, so I can just sort of completely relax and be accepting of whatever happens.  Maybe that throws people off and it comes across as supreme confidence when I'm faced with violence.  I hope the cops caught up with the guy.  I could still see him shambling along way down the street two minutes before the cops came, and told them so.  If they put in any effort to actually get him, they would have had no problem.  The guy was not fast, and there's no real way to evade them with how those streets of the city are laid out, and I gave a good description.  Feel pretty bad for the girl.  She is native, and where I'm from, I don't think I'd want to have any interactions with the cops if I were her, either.  All the envelopes and papers in the ATM were thrown around and all over the floor in the ATM.  Feel this huge sadness somehow about that, but glad I showed up when I did.

Anyhow, I'm home now, and am kind of letting little boy me sit in an awareness that I can protect him.  That there's a pretty tough Dad he has. 

Meursault

4
Inner Child Work / My inner child at xmas
« on: December 27, 2016, 03:34:43 PM »
Being a poor father to my inner child, I didn't get him anything.   Instead, I drew a card with my left hand as an Xmas present from my ic to adult me...   I wrote: "thanks for trying to look after me, and I hope you do better at it next year."

I feel pretty good about doing it....

Meursault

5
General Discussion / My file
« on: December 23, 2016, 06:28:04 AM »
So I requested my file from the local government mental health Centre a while ago and it came today.

They sure don't say much that's relevant, but a few things were kind of interesting.  Ive never told them about growing up except that it was hard and messed me up, except the second last time I let the psych read a brief synopsis, but he said he just skimmed it and said "I see your dad was abusive" yet in the synopsis I even said my dad was the good one, and it was mostly about my mom and stuff with my sisters.  He admitted he didnt really read it.  Anyhow, every time I've been in there is a comment of "trauma: physical, sexual, and emotional abuse as child".  I must have some pretty obvious behaviours common to that for it to keep showing up.

There have also been a couple that just said "personality disorder" which was expanded on in one with "chronic suicidality".

For the most part, they tend to have nothing that is actually relevant to the turmoil I experience.  "Emotionally dysregulated" "decompensating" etc.  How inadequate...

Kond of sobering, but a few had "appears much older than actual age"...

Most had highly intelligent and good insight.

On the whole, it wasn't really worth getting.  There was no.insight and nothing I think would help me.  Every assessment had ptsd, depression,  generalized anxiety disorder, but occasionally there were other diagnoses of alcohol abuse, and social phobia.

Anyhow, I was kind of hoping for something a little more illuminating.

Meursault

6
Podcasts, Videos & Documentaries / Alan Watts
« on: December 13, 2016, 06:10:10 PM »
Thought I'd put this link here...  I've always liked his speeches:

How to Make Yourself a Better Person:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yj4Yfdg4Nfw

Meursault

7
Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Acupuncture
« on: December 06, 2016, 11:06:48 PM »
I went to the local non-government mental health place today.  They get funding for sure, but are not an actual government agency.  They run the suicide line in my city etc.  Anyhow, I went to a drop-in counselling session last week before my legal stuff, and the woman I talked to suggested their acupuncture meditation group.

So, I went there today.  I...am...still...processing...it...

It was strange. I normally get very little out of meditation, but did it anyhow while the needles were in.  It was like I was in a wordless, waking dream.  I was feeling and aware of all sorts of the stuff that happens in my body and emotionally to me all the time.  I have waves of dissociation, almost this quick cycling where I check into reality every couple of seconds and then disappear into numbness again.  I was experiencing that, just watching it.  It was like my awareness was a skipping stone, and the environment around me was the water.  I felt the skipping of my consciousness back to my surroundings, and then back into the "air" of my inner trauma brain.  I went through all sorts of things, experiencing the physical and mental sensations of terror and self-hatred and all sorts of other things, but although I was feeling them, I was also witnessing them.  I don't know how to describe it.  A waking dream I guess, and similar to what lucid dreaming seems to be.  I almost started bawling at one point, and at another was shaking quite a bit.

Anyhow, it was well worth it, and I'm fairly reflective right now, almost like I just woke from some dream full of insight and cathartic experiences that I'm trying to puzzle out.

I had the sensation I got when I thought my therapist was rejecting me in the spring, when I had to temporarily move to the EMDR therapist for a few months.  Like there was a cylindrical meat grinder from my heart to my genitals, churning me inside out with terror and loss of self.  When I was experiencing that today, I imagined my therapist holding me and caring about me.  The sensation didn't go away, but it got weaker.

Anyhow.  I am probably coming across as kind of odd, crazy, or flaky.  I'm not into spiritualism or a non-rational world view at all, but I'm just describing the experience....  Anyhow, I found that well worth doing...

Meursault

9
Poetry & Creative Writing / A poem I wrote a couple of weeks ago
« on: October 08, 2016, 05:47:29 AM »
Tomorrow, I Will Change

Tomorrow, I will change when
Something terrible happens to me.
I wish I could warn myself how
It will tear my life apart.
I wish I'd know to not get
Myself into trouble.
But I don't know what I'll do wrong –so wrong–
That I'll deserve it all.

Well, tomorrow decided
To show up yesterday instead, but
That didn't really change anything,
It's still as bad as I feared.
It kind of snuck by me in the night, I guess.
It climbed from midnight, through evening and
Afternoon, and crept past me, through the new
Morning, and crawled past midnight again.

I swear I didn't see it go by,
It was too damned sneaky and decided
To wreck today by climbing into yesterday.
It was too impatient to wait, I guess.
When it got there, it must have
Perked up its ears and smiled.
It saw all the pain and weakness and blindness
I was already carrying. 

It must have shone with delight,
Grinning wide when it saw all those yesterdays
Already filled with terror and humiliation.
“It's still just a boy!” it must've said to itself,“This'll be easy.”
It probably sat down for a few minutes and
Wrote it all out on a napkin or something, thinking,
“How can I tailor this to hit
All the weak points just right?”

It sure knew its business!
All those yesterdays,
So full of disintegration and panic,
It just corralled them all together.
I don't know how it did it, but
It fattened them up so much they spilled
All the way from yesterday and
Burst through to today.

“What kind of trick is that?” I ask,
Or would, if my mind wasn't pushed into tomorrow.
So now I'm stuck in tomorrow, and
I'm scared of what lurks here.
What stalks silently around me,
Ready to sneak past into my yesterdays again,
And force me ahead! ahead! ahead through all the tomorrows,
Until it finally pushes me past the last one and into the black?

Meursault

10
Recovery Journals / Meursault's Journal
« on: October 06, 2016, 02:19:00 AM »
Hi everyone,

I'm not sure what I'm going to be doing day to day now, but I think I'm trying to be back.  I was going to post this elsewhere, but it's so long, I thought I better put it in a journal... hope it's not too annoying...

I'll just say sorry for making a mistake regarding the rules.  I thought I was doing what we were supposed to, but apparently not!  I'll take more care in the future.  I'll shut up about that now.

I missed coming here the last few days.

I went to my city's mental health emergency hoping to get into a short term crisis centre.  The cab I took was playing "Everything Is Gonna Be Alright" by Bob Marley, and the cabbie and I were drumming and singing along.  I was crying and whatnot.  The cabbie told me to take care of myself and life was going to get better.

I met with a hostile psychiatrist.  She was very upset about my general refusal to take medication.  I have tried MANY of them in the past, and she kept challenging me asking what dosage, what was the "Trade name", how long I was on them, etc.  I don't think she was too happy when I was able to remember how I was generally on the max recommended dosage, and stayed on several of them for over a year, and in some cases 2-4 years. 

She then started pushing the anti-psychotics, which I refused.  How is it that mental health experts can think numbing out and suppressing the emotional symptoms is a solution to trauma, which is inherently unprocessed/suppressed memories?  She said "clearly your therapist isn't very good, or otherwise you wouldn't be here.  You should find another one"  She said that after I told her my therapist is the only mental health professional I've ever found genuinely helpful.  She told me she was going to keep me in the psych ward until my trial, and if I wouldn't go voluntarily I was going involuntarily (a security guy was stationed outside my door by this point).  I kept saying I needed a few days in the crisis unit.

Eventually the psychiatrist came back and said "So, we're going to have to decide whether to send you to the crisis unit or admit you to the [???] ward.  Actually, I've already decided.  You're going to ??? ward.  It's very nice, there are no beds and it's very quiet."

I tried to argue, and the goalposts began to shift against me to get compliance.  Over the next day, through her and different psychiatrists, it went from her saying "You can check yourself out in the morning" to "you can check yourself out after you see a psychiatrist in the morning" to "a psychiatrist MAY be in today, to psychiatrist saying "we will revisit you having outdoor smoking privileges next week on Monday or Tuesday". 

On the upside, I had the whole ward to myself for a day, and the staff weren't condescending, domineering or dismissive.

One white-haired psychiatrist told me that he thought what I was going through was about as hard as anything he's heard.

I saw an "occupational therapist", who had a student with her.  They were both very cute, and I felt broken and damaged and unmanly.  She kept on pushing CBT type stuff on me.  I have no problem with CBT, but it has limitations, and I think I've internalized a great deal of its value over many years of different therapies and groups.  I must have been pretty comical, because they were in stitches a few times.  She tried to deal with what she could about my living arrangement problems, but couldn't.  At one point, there was this exchange:

HER: "Can you stop referring to her as the 'good' therapist?   That implies there are bad therapists."

ME:  "There are.  Over half the therapists out there are terrible.  They really should be doing something else for a living.  You have no idea the number of awful people out there."

HER: "No.  They are still good.  They are just different.  You can't judge their value as therapists."

ME: "Yeah I can.  A lot of therapists suck."

HER:  "No.  You can MAYBE say they are  less effective, but they are still good."

ME:  "I think we're just going to disagree on that.

The whole time I was panicked and dissociative and just disintegrating.  My body was screaming at me.  I think I did pretty good.  When we ended, I said "A psychiatrist is supposed to see me in a bit.  I now know they're 'good', let's cross our fingers that they are 'effective' too!"

We all laughed.  Later she came to say she was leaving for the day, and asked how I was.  I told her I was distraught, and she said she can't tell if I'm joking.  And I said I joke around when I'm nervous, and she intimidates me.  She laughed saying "Awww, you're SCARED of me!"  That was unpleasant.

A guy came in who was talking about how horrible jail is, and how he saw a lot of violence and "more blood than I thought I'd ever see."  A very frail and quiet woman came in, who was drugged up badly.  She was very fearful, but ended up trying to help me do a puzzle, but her brain wasn't working, and she eventually knocked the puzzle off the table.

Finally I had a meeting with another psychiatrist, who came with a team of others, and I was able to articulate how the miscommunication, lack of self-determination, and disempowerment weren't helpful.  I mentioned that I had been in these very rooms 25 years ago, and all I got was drugs and invalidation when I first came for help to deal with my Mom from growing up, so now I am not really interested in more of the same.

SECONDARY PSYCH WORKER:  Why don't you tell us about it now?

ME: "No.

SECONDARY PSYCH WORKER: Just give us the gist.

ME: No.

They sent me in a cab to the crisis unit, and I spent the last few days there, and calmed down considerably.  There was a man there I saw last time I was in, and an elderly woman came part way through my stay whom I befriended and hung around with on my last stay.  The frail fearful woman from the ward came along at some point, and she told me I was the only person who was ever nice to her, and she asked if she could live with me.  I felt really sad about that.  I hope she gets some help.  She cried a lot.  A couple of friends visited.

I got out today at ten.  I went to my house that I'm renovating.  It is SOOOO stressful.  I  HAVE TO work on it, and get it ready before winter and before my trial (in 8 weeks!!!) but just immediately fragmented and was in a disintegrated trauma state by 1230, after my Mom showed up (I can't drive so she has the power to be super invasive when picking me up material).  She started standing there and telling me how what I was doing was wrong, and I quickly fell to pieces.  An hour earlier, I was "Grimly determined" and confident.  I HAVE to move out of where I am now end of October.  I HAVE to have that house livable by winter.  I HAVE to get the court's permission to move.  I HAVE to be home for a curfew every night.  I HAVE to relive the trauma of the night I was trapped under my Dad's body in court.  I HAVE to start going to my lawyer's to relive that nigh again and again.  I HAVE to deal with my Mom all the time, and be under her control.  I HAVE to face the possibility of jail, where I will be trapped in again! and am sure I'll be victimized badly, or maybe house arrest, where I will face that terror of agoraphobia and social phobia again that I still work on daily after over 20 years, and the loneliness and isolation and self-hatred and fear of people.  I'm not weak, but I'm completely crippled with trauma and anxiety.  That's my next two months.  And I'm so utterly powerless in almost every aspect of my life!  And the flashbacks, emotional and regular, are terrible.  I'm being triggered by something every hour, it seems.

I'm now back in my crappy apartment, with sporadic running water and a caved in ceiling, in bad shape but feeling determined.  I have so much on my plate, and am absolutely terrified and being triggered and hammered into a terrified dissociative state with this trial stuff coming up.  I had signed up for an 8 week mindfulness program a couple of months ago, and started that a couple of days ago.  I have to somehow shrink this all down to just living moment by moment, but I don't really have the skills for that.  I still think I haven't found my feet since that EMDR guy.  Maybe I won't now.  Before the accident with my Dad, my life really wasn't full of drama and these extreme shifts and whatnot.  I wish it would stop.  It's been worse since a woman I know got mad at me when I told her I didn't want to know her any more and called the cops saying I had guns three years ago.  I didn't, but got evicted, and am now controlled in my living arrangements.   Before then, in 41 years, I had lived a total of 7 places.  I've lived in about as many since then.  The legal system just keeps stability from being possible at all.  I haven't even had the trial yet.  This shock trauma PTSD on top of the developmental trauma c-PTSD is really doing a number on me. The legal stuff alone fills the criteria necessary for causing PTSD. 

That was VERY long and I'm sorry.  I hope I didn't worry anyone by leaving, and if I did, I'm sorry about that.  I missed my c-PTSD peeps!   Sorry for running away, and I hope I'm welcome back.  Here, with my therapist, and with one friend are the only times I feel like I matter at all and am actually a human being.  The only times I feel like I can relax, even a little.  I missed you all!

So..... That was my week...  How was yours?

Meursault

11
General Discussion / Ciao
« on: September 24, 2016, 08:42:26 PM »
Hey everyone,

I'm just going to leave here.  Hope you all do well.  I am just far too unstable now I can't handle anything.

Meursault

12
Inner Child Work / Speak up, ya little weirdo!
« on: September 24, 2016, 03:43:36 AM »
I was reading something where someone was having trouble with the idea of hearing their inner child last night.   Got me thinking, because I think I have a pretty good feel for that going on in my own head.  Thought I'd share this in case it's something others can identify with or connect to.

These last couple of weeks I've been completely disconnected from my inner children.  After last night, I started to do what I always do.  Talk to them.  Imagine if you had some traumatized kid you were babysitting, no expectations or anything.  Maybe the kid is severely mentally handicapped even, and can't understand language.  The kid never talks, hides, but watches you for threats constantly.  You can scare them away or terrify them so easily.  What would you do?  I just talk (internally, but like I'm talking to a kid).  I keep a positive, firm, gentle voice, and just describe what I'm doing, thinking, and what I think about them.  I'm actively talking TO them, though.

Kind of like if it was a real kid, and you wanted to vacuum, knowing it will terrify the kid.  "Well, this floor sure is dirty.  You know what?  I should vacuum it!  It's a pretty scary sound, but I know it'll be over quick.  It sure scares me, but then I get a nice clean floor.  It's alright to hide if you're scared of the sound.  I'll be quick.  I bet after you'll be amazed at how clean it is!"

That sort of thing.  I started doing it again last night a bit.  No expectation of hearing back from my inner child/ren, but just creating a vibe that should they wish, they can talk.  Last night it was feeling the really painful, desperate longing I get with women, after I had my date.  It's just an agonizing attachment need that's never been fulfilled, I think, like those Romanian babies after the fall of the Iron Curtain, or videos of lots of mammal infants who haven't been held or touched or cared for.  As frantic and urgent as if you were suffocating.  It's not about getting them talking so you can hear what's wrong and fix it.  It's about making them feel safe and loved.  That's it.  When they feel safe enough, you'll know what they're saying without words, since they make you FEEL it.

It all went to hell the last few of weeks, I've been having a hard time even living, and terrified of the future, full of self-loathing and stuff.  I scared them all into hiding.  Sigh.  Now I have to spend a bunch of time talking again to demonstrate I'm safe.  They want to find someone safe, so I'm just doing what they want, but I have to earn their trust.

Today's been a day of that father part of me doing that.  All they are saying so far is they are completely panicked and exploding with wild, animal terror.  I haven't been on their side very well, I'm afraid.  I feel kind of guilty, I just spent the last couple of weeks constantly threatening and terrorizing a bunch of little kids.

Anyhow, just thought I'd share that in case it's at all a useful exercise or perspective to someone else.

Meursault



13
Dating; Marriage/Divorce; In-Laws / A date.
« on: September 23, 2016, 02:11:48 AM »
I had a date today.  We just met up for a coffee.  I was pretty nervous but I think it went pretty well.  She's about 30 and I'm in my forties.  Really happy and exuberant person.  Really self-confident and full of life.  I noticed I wasn't very good at making eye contact, which I consider a victory.  Even a few months ago I wouldn't have even been self-aware enough when around a date to notice I wasn't making eye contact.

I used to hang out with her a few years ago when I drank.  I actually sat around in a hallway with her outside her boyfriend's place for hours when she got dumped at one point.  She was all crying and drunk as could be, and I just hung around not getting involved, just there for when she needed a walk home if he didn't let her in (he did eventually).  I think she was about 22 then.

I think we had pretty good conversation, quite a few laughs, and I asked her if I could take her out for supper next week.  She said yes!

I was anxious, but not shaky.  I felt pretty small and unmanly, I'm afraid, but mostly I was all right.

So, two good things happened today, seeing my therapist and the date.  I'm thinking that made it my best day in quite a while.  My mom called and almost crushed it, but I'm good again.

Funny how you get all these optimistic fantasies after that sort of thing.  I'm imagining sitting around with her after work having supper, living together.  Fantasizing about being funny and making her laugh.  Kissing.  Saying things that make her feel good.  Seeing a light in her eyes when I'm around.  Having her monopolize the bathroom getting ready for some event, living together.  Going out in the cold in the winter to warm her car so she doesn't have to.  Being surprised with a hug or a birthday cake  All that good jazz.  Not being all weird and thinking it's going to happen, but just enjoying thinking of that as something that's possible for me.  I'm not at the point of mentally putting her in a wedding dress, or a hospital gown, glowing and holding our baby or anything....  dammit, now I am!  Don't even know how well we'd mesh yet, but I just feel alive and human and potentially lovable at the moment, so those kind of thoughts aren't just alienating and painful.

I hope I don't screw it up, or worse, she just rejects me and doesn't give any real reason.  That's the worst.

Anyhow, usually I mostly just feel like some disgusting subhuman thing in this world, unwanted and unlovable.  Amazing how much light and hope and feeling of mattering and belonging I get from just having a coffee with some interested woman.  The world has a future, and there is colour in my grey world for the moment!  I was almost too scared to meet her.  Now I have to make sure  don't just end up in the "friend zone".

Meursault

14
General Discussion / Hey peeps...
« on: September 22, 2016, 03:58:54 AM »
I just want to thank everyone for being here.  I can't speak for other people, but this place is pretty important to me, so thank you all.  This is about the only place that feels safe to me nowadays.

I hope everyone has a good day tomorrow, and is gentle and accepting of themselves.

Meursault

15
General Discussion / What do people think...
« on: September 21, 2016, 11:37:57 AM »
I really try to write short posts, but I can't seem to do it.  So much stuff is happening in my life right now...  Sorry.

That EMDR guy I saw has really messed me up.  I had made another appointment with him during our one session, don't know why, and emailed to cancel, and tell him what I thought of it all.  The exchange is below.  Am I just some crazy broken pathology?  I don't understand how it was alright to do that.  Am I just some difficult, non-compliant freak of nature who is so insane I don't understand anything?  This was at a place specifically devoted to trauma, PTSD, and c-PTSD, and I don't understand how what he did was at all acceptable.  I sort of feel guilty that I'm being mean and vicious with my email below.

What do others think?  I feel like I'm basically being gaslighted by therapists right now.  Last one trying to make me feel like I was being unreasonable for expecting her to read my emails even though our arrangement was that I could email, and she even solicited them, and now this.  It's like they both are acting like I'm just emotionally damaged and irrational.  Sure, I need to learn how to deal with stuff better (coping), that's why I'm there, but I've just found myself lost in a place where it feels like I'm being told my interpretation of reality is wrong, and I'm crazy for having a problem.  Am I coming across as crazy with this email I sent?  And am I wrong for thinking of this as gaslighting?  His response of "miscommunication" moved the goalposts, and minimized, and completely neutralized my problem by essentially saying: "You didn't understand."  I think that's gaslighting as well.

I am only two months from my trial about my Dad's death.  I really need some support, yet these therapists are the biggest destabilizers  in my life.  I'm completely in crisis.

Meursault
--------------------------
[EMDR Guy],

I'd like to cancel my appointment for [Date].

I'm extremely unimpressed with your lack of care and professionalism during my consultation last [Date]. The entire experience was psychologically overwhelming, and I feel you failed to even make the most basic assessments before destabilizing me with bilateral stimulation. As that was only our first meeting, and you had no idea of the details of my experience, my reactions, or how well I am resourced, that was recklessness bordering on negligent.

You did more of the bilateral stimulation of EMDR in one forty-five minute period, on our first introduction, than my last therapist thought safe after months of knowing me, knowing details of my trauma, and knowing how I respond. You utterly failed to properly follow EMDR protocol. You had no apparent concern with overwhelming me, or concerns of my safety or stability.

I have been so severely destabilized and activated, and I can't yet seem to find any way back. From that experience, I have called crisis lines several times, slept little, found myself mindlessly standing in traffic in a dissociative state, and straining relationships in a state of disintegration, dissociation and panic. I consider your approach unsafe and harmful.

I was also disturbed by your dishonesty. You told me you knew my therapist, [Mrs. Awesome Therapist] – not knew of her, but knew her – even giving your personal opinion on her expertise.  However, she has told me she doesn't believe she has ever even spoken to you. Dishonesty is inherently manipulative, which is inherently abusive in a therapeutic environment.

I really don't see how you could excuse this behaviour. I'll anticipate your response here with an analogy: If I told you I knew Mick Jagger, I couldn't then claim that I was being honest when I actually meant I knew OF him, or ABOUT him.

Your repeated mentioning of bringing her into sessions with you and I (stating you do that all the time), and directing me to sign a consent with her to be able to communicate with you doesn't add anything positive to my interpretations of your intent.  Insisting you'd rather talk to her about my issues so I don't become distraught, directly conflicts with you immediately failing to follow EMDR protocol and overwhelming me.  To me, it seemed like I was being used as an opportunity for you to demonstrate your ability clinically to her (courting her for potential employment?).  The workers at the Suicide Hotline thought it appeared even more "creepy".

So, your dishonesty, recklessness, and disregard for my safety or stability leads me to believe you would be entirely unhelpful, and likely harmful to any recovery efforts I attempt. I am scrambling constantly to survive from that experience, can't seem to find any way of restabilizing, and am extremely volatile with suicidal thinking. Nothing seems to be working.  I have basically been activated to such a severe extent, I have no ability to get out of it.

Thank you for your time, I suppose, and I hope you take the time to reflect on improving some fundamental deficiencies in your therapeutic approach.  Perhaps there is someone else at [Trauma Centre] whom I could find more helpful in the future,

[Meursault]

PS.  I should also note that although you said the introductory session was only $65, future sessions would be $130/hr, despite the next session being scheduled for weekday daytime.  Your website says sessions at that time are $115/hr.  I will assume that was simply an oversight on your part, but you should more clearly communicate your payment arrangements to clients in the future to avoid confusion or misrepresentation.  It is more professional, and less prone to abuse to know and communicate these financial details especially when dealing with populations who may have trouble advocating for themselves.
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[His Response:]

Dear [Meursault],

Thank you for your feedback and I am truly sorry for any miscommunication between us.
As we won't be able to work together so I will reimburse you for the amount you paid for initial meeting. I will send you the amount by a cheque or interact money transfer.
 I wish you the best in your healing process and again I am truly sorry for any miscommunication.

Warm Regards
[EMDR Guy]
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[I responded:]

[EMDR Guy],

That you are viewing this as a miscommunication, when you were clearly being reckless in your failure to follow safe and established protocols regarding EMDR, doesn't give me any confidence you are aware of your own failing here.  It disturbs me for the sake of future clients, and really think you need to revisit how to conduct therapy safely, openly, respectfully, and honestly through whatever institution you received your training.  A bit harsh of me, I realize, but I think accurate.

I'm not seeing how miscommunication was the issue here at all, actually.  But if there was something you communicated in error, you should realize that making yourself understood clearly and concisely is part of your job, and failing to do so can easily exacerbate clients who are already overwhelmed with the chaos of trauma.

Don't worry about reimbursing me, as I have already forwarded the receipt for tax purposes.

[Meursault]

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