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Topics - Eidolon

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My mom thought of herself as a long-distance energy healer and reiki master. One night, while she was inebriated, she started talking about energy and started "pushing" hers into mine while I was trying to sleep. I remember distinctly her saying "your little heart's beating so fast." I know she was messing with my chakras now, but I had no idea what she was doing back then. I started having weird dreams and slept in a dog bed instead at one point, and she told me "I know what you were dreaming about" as soon as I woke up. I still have no idea what she was talking about. I know she pushed energy into my ovary and it hurts to think about it, she was into reincarnation.

Just kind of hurt and confused about it. I never really told anyone because I didn't know how to. I thought they'd write me off or call me crazy, but some days there are parts of my body that really hurt from remembering what she did. She would tell me we would have to hunt for our own food; that the government was going to kill us. As far as I'm aware, I was the only person she told about her end of the world theories. She was against vaccinations. I never considered it cult abuse until recently, I guess she was trying to get me to parrot off her beliefs as my own.

I hope this makes sense. I'm just getting back into meditation and some things do not feel right at all about what she did.

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Sexual Abuse / TW Nmom and flashbacks
« on: April 18, 2021, 05:09:31 PM »
I recently started going through physical flashbacks of sexual abuse from my childhood (by my mother who has been dead for over 10 years; sparked by meditation and memory flooding.) It wasn't once or twice, it was almost every night and I couldn't remember anything until now. It feels bad- like my body's saying I wanted it even though I was having panic attacks because of it. Lots of self-blame but I was a child and I didn't deserve it. I know I didn't. She was the type to blame me after and I'm just grateful that I don't have to deal with any of her blaming me anymore. It was never my fault. :pissed: None of it had any purpose. She was just cruel. Sorry if this triggers anyone, I'm just angry and hurt right now because it wasn't just her; she knew my half-brother was doing things, too, and tried to pit us against each other to fight for affection ("your brother has hepatitis B so you do, too" which means she absolutely knew.)

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Recovery Journals / Anyone Else in Acute Care? TW
« on: April 15, 2021, 06:52:29 PM »
I ended up in an acute care facility. I went to pick up some of my things today and I guess I'm just still adjusting to a new environment. I miss being able to take care of my physical appearance and I think I'll probably have to go on disability. Does anyone else have experience with being in an acute care environment? I've been volunteering around the facility and that helps with my confidence a little bit.  No idea where I'll go from here.  ??? There's not a whole lot of direction so I'm just doing the best I can.

I picked some dandelions! I guess that was a bonus; I like weeding. :)

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I need to finish a commission that I've had for almost a year. I said it would take a few weeks, maybe a few months, and I'm still not done with it. I haven't even started. I'm frustrated with myself because the reason I haven't done it is, "I don't know how."

That's not really an excuse. I just need to work harder to learn to draw asian features and samurai, but it feels like I won't ever learn. And that's not true! I just need to work harder, but it seems like I can't even get that right. Like I'll always be unable to draw it. Very frustrating.

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Physical Abuse / TW PA/MA My Half-Brother/Mom and Games
« on: October 29, 2020, 04:07:41 AM »
My half-brother is autistic and several years older than me (I think around 7 years older?)

We would play these games where he would pick me up and throw me into a metal bed frame. He would dance around and laugh about it, marveling at my new bruises until I started doing it, too. There were times he threw me so hard into the bed frame that I could not breathe. I just wheezed on the floor. Nobody did anything to help. I could never tell anyone because he was the golden child, or when I did, there would be humiliation after.

My N Mother, drunk as ever at one point, pulled me into her room with my half-brother crying on the bed. He was wailing about being sorry, how he didn't mean to do it. She said I had hepatitis B and he gave it to me somehow, the doctor's results had come back. But there never were doctor's results for me! Those were for him! I got tested when my dad received custody, I don't have hepatitis B. Never did.

I remember being under a blanket and him pressing himself against me when I was, I don't know, 10 years old. We'd play games like Super Smash Brothers Melee and pretend to "do it" on the game. Nobody said anything about that being strange. My mother was trying to teach me about "sexual chakras", so I believe she had something to do with that.

I want to know who taught him to do those things and I want to scream. I want to throw things. Who said that was okay? Why was playing like that okay? I messaged him a few months back to ask him if he was sorry. It wasn't much of an apology.

Why am I ashamed of being the one that was thrown around?   :'( It's unfair.

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Recovery is difficult and being unable to cut off all abusers makes it worse. I relapse and think, "they're not so bad. They couldn't have been so bad." But they are. And it doesn't get better with them. I self-sabotage trying to help people that don't want to be helped. I look in the mirror and hate myself because I'm not who I want to be, and I don't believe the things I need to. It's exhausting and I'm so tired of disappointing everyone I know. It's not even disappointment at this point, it's just self-fulfilling prophecy.

I'm tired. I'm so tired. I don't want to wake up anymore. I'm tired of the roller-coaster of emotional flashbacks that reduce my recovery to what feels like nothing, even if it isn't. I hate that I was made this way by other people. Cognitive dissonance is ruining me. I keep telling myself "I will do better" instead of just.. doing better. Why can't I just do better? Why can't I just do what's healthy for me? The self-sabotage is at an all-time high and I don't know how to stop it. A lot of me feels like I deserve it. :fallingbricks:

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Something interesting happened a few days ago. Tiny (my five-year-old self) tends to linger when I'm incredibly hungry or feeling isolated. I don't know how to describe the feeling. Like dreaming, or meditating, but somewhat different.

I saw Tiny inside of a box in my head. I opened it, and I asked her if she would like something better than the box. She seemed frightened by the possibility of anything other than hiding- she kept saying she wanted to go home, only she didn't know where it was.  We disassembled the box and rebuilt it into a cabin where there could be anything she would ever want. There's a nice comfortable bed and plenty of food. Outside, there is a big forest and fairies to be friends with her. My dad is there and she knows that if she ever needs anything, I am always right there, because I'm carrying her inside of me. She was ready to have a nap after that. I think I fell asleep, too, but I can't recall.

I tried to remember the rest of the day and it's just blank space- like the day never happened, and it was just that moment. Feeling a little nervous about it. I must have been awake for the rest of it. I'm really glad I managed to soothe Tiny, but there's still insecurity in not remembering other things.

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Recovery Journals / Affirming Person-hood
« on: September 26, 2020, 03:31:09 AM »
I'm comfortable enough now to say "the things that happened to me were wrong, no matter who was doing it."

It's like a weight off my shoulders. Friends, family, strangers- it doesn't matter who, or why. It was simply wrong and I need not tolerate it anymore. Setting boundaries, I've realized, isn't abusive. Saying "no" isn't abusive. It's my right to say "no." It feels odd saying that, but it's true. My emotions are my own, no matter how fragmented they are. I think the most startling thing is understanding I'm not "broken" and I don't need to be "fixed." So many people were certain I was just crazy when it was trauma. Well, I'm awake now to know otherwise. It's rejuvenating. I'm a person. Not a pet, not a toy, and not insane. A traumatized person. It all feels much simpler.

All living things are intended to flourish. I'll make like a dandelion and grow in the concrete if I have to, but I know I never have to accept being abused ever again.  ;D

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Art / Feeling Safe Because of Forum Members - Thank You Art
« on: September 18, 2020, 05:54:21 PM »
I managed to finish at least one digital drawing yesterday! The people on this forum are probably the kindest I've ever met, and I wanted to give them a thank you. So, thank you for sharing your stories and hobbies and likes/dislikes, it really does remind me that I'm still human. Drawn to BJeanGrey's music recommendations!

https://imgur.com/phKLxjS


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Emotional Abuse / The Shopping Incident TW
« on: September 16, 2020, 06:50:41 PM »
I must have been 9 or so. We were going to the store to pick up clothes for my mother. (She never took us to get new clothes. Just for herself. If I needed them, I needed to visit my father, and she was blackmailing him. "If you don't give me money you'll never see your daughter again." I learned a year or so ago she would describe me as a "cancer" to him in these emails. The man was living in a cockroach infested apartment and she was taking his money.)

Her boyfriend, my older HB (the one who would throw me at things and laugh about it), and I were in the car with my mother. She turned a bit to look at me and asked if I knew what I was. I said no, hoping for something pleasant for once. Just once.

"You're a useless piece of cattle I can sell off and you can't do anything about it."

And she laughed, and laughed, and her boyfriend didn't say much of anything. When we got home I broke down sobbing. Her excuse?

"It was just a joke. I don't understand why you're so upset, Booboo." My nickname was Booboo because I "was an accident." She then went to her Facebook group, where she was considered the best mother EVER. Had at least 300 people so certain she was the Virgin Mary. It felt like everyone was in on it. Maybe they were. I still don't know. I doubt I ever will.

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I realized something today!

When I finally start to relax, I immediately think I'm forgetting something crucial. Even when there's nothing I could possibly be forgetting! Originally I thought it was a memory issue, but that wouldn't be it. I think it's because I've never actually relaxed, so my brain doesn't know how to make sense of it. Being stressed about being calm is confusing sometimes. :stars:

Does anyone else relate? Am I off-base, or does that seem reasonable?

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Music / "Oak Tree" Songs/Empowering Music
« on: September 10, 2020, 05:06:56 PM »
Some music makes me feel strong like a big oak tree. Do you have any songs that make you feel the same?

Mine at the moment is probably 100 Years by Florence and the Machine! I really like these lyrics:

"My heart bends and breaks so many, many times
And is born again with each sunrise."

https://youtu.be/E6GX0Zf4FMI


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Inner Child Work / Apologies and Promises to Tiny Me
« on: September 10, 2020, 04:47:19 PM »
This is the first letter I've written to my Child part. Sometimes I leave notes or I'll think things throughout the day, but I never really wrote her a letter. I'd like to change that today.
**Trigger Warning?**

Hi, Tiny.

I'm sorry I couldn't protect you. I'm sorry you had to see me yell when I was triggered, and that it scared you. I'm sorry I was so angry and it felt like I was rejecting you. I'm sorry I reinforced what M taught us. I promise I will never do it again.

You're never going to have to be afraid like that ever again. I will listen when you are feeling scared instead of denying it, and I will let you be soft instead of forcing you to be strong. You are loved, Tiny. You are allowed to take up space and enjoy things. I promise I will never let anyone hurt you for enjoying things; I promise I will always be here.

You can say you don't like baked beans. Nobody is going to make you eat them anymore. There are no more dog beds. There are no more dog treats. No more lice, no more hurt. HB can't hurt you anymore. Nobody will do it again. Starting today, I will be my own mother. I will nourish the gentleness I was denied, and I will do it for you, Tiny. There is a world full of wonder for you. There always has been, and I am sorry I didn't see it until now. Let's explore it together.

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Neglect/Abandonment / On Purpose? *Trigger Warning*
« on: September 09, 2020, 05:12:38 PM »
I'm curious if anyone else feels like their abuse was planned ahead of time.

For example, my mother started out verbally abusing me and let other people do most of the dirty work. She would insult me a LOT. Slowly, there was less food in the house for me to eat- I ate dog treats instead. Then it was sleeping in a dog bed. She would say I had fleas, even though I could see the lice dropping onto my school assignments. It felt linear, like there was a goal in mind with the neglect. I hope I'm making sense.

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Introductory Post / Eager to Heal
« on: September 09, 2020, 04:52:25 PM »
Hi! I'm Eidolon!

I'm 20 and I'm a little new to recovery. I was in EMDR therapy for 8 months and stopped going right before Covid shut everything down. I'm a reclusive person but it isn't by choice. Mostly, I'm scared that I'll hurt other people or chase them away. I dissociate often and I don't know what I like or dislike. I am angry or ashamed when I'm not feeling empty. Other times I am depressed. It's overwhelming. There is more to life than this. I know there is. I want to experience it for myself. It feels selfish of me to say that, but it's true.

Also, you have a very nice forum!   :)

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