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Here's a link to a trailer for the documentary, a description of the series, and how to access it:

https://trauma.whole.tv/trailer/

By the end of yesterday, I noticed that I had felt the pull of "disorganized attachment" -- I only just learned about it in the trauma course I'm taking. When children get pulled between the impossible contradictions of attachment on one hand and defence on the other, there can be kinds and degrees of dissociation as a result. It's hard to get at those underlying dissociated parts! Last night I feel like I was bringing those parts back, listening to them, understanding, and trying to move to compassion instead of shame. This is from my hand-written journal, where I had to write it down last night to have any chance at sleep:

Today I felt the tug-of-war of attachment--defence. Both parents were bait-and-switching, but they didn't even know they were doing it. I thought I'd truly left behind any hope or neediness for their love, but there it was. I could feel that pull of "love" that I saw in their eyes for a few minutes, a few comforting words. In that moment I feel intense relief at being seen and loved, a comfort and a glowing, at the natural bond between parent and child. But suddenly, the switch happens. Their own narcissistic defences kick in, and they attempt to have me service one of their compulsions (usually around hoarding), or they head directly to having me work at their ego gratification. (My dad tips into some long story from his work days that I've heard dozens of times before. He won't listen if you tell him you know the story already. He just keeps going. His own trauma from WWII and domineering parents was overlaid onto his work situation.)

The thing is, the narcissist can't "love" for very long. But how do I stop falling for it? They appear to be seeing me, siding with me, I feel this great relief, but then they abandon me. Again and again. I'm ashamed of my neediness I realized. This pattern is overlaid on subsequent situations throughout my life! It's kind of devastating. I attempt to attach, I feel abandoned (or minimized, manipulated, used, betrayed, rejected). Then I feel deeply ashamed and somehow deserving, like its just desserts, or it's just my lot, and I have to just suck it up. I then become so hypervigilant that I'll see it when it's not even there, invent it, misinterpret, OR if it is there, then I don't know how to deal. There's confusion, because how do you know what's real? Overwhelming feelings of self-doubt rack up. I feel like I can't handle myself, and it's a crushing weight and fear, quickly followed by shame at my "defectiveness" and weakness.

I realize that I've come to expect this pattern to happen with everyone, but I also fear the intense discomfort of need, fear, confusion, disgust, humiliation (what I know now are Emotional Flashbacks). Eventually, I deny the needy kid in me. Then I become avoidant, and live a hermit-like existence, withdrawn, to protect the narcissist in me from being disturbed. I'll say to myself something like, "Better to be a loner than a sucker." While it feels better in the moment, this is ultimately a lonely, limited and sad existence. It's okay to need love, to need friendship, to want to feel belonging.

I made a note to myself: STOP GOING TO THE POISONED WELL; instead go to the WATERFALL. Choose carefully where your sustenance comes from -- start with yourself, and then those who show themselves to be trustworthy people. Be realistic about loved one's limitations. This is a place to grow: to learn to listen, to feel (starting physically and relating sensations to emotions), and to trust my self, my inner guidance.

I fell asleep after writing these notes down. There were a few startled wake-ups for the first hour or so, but then I slept peacefully after that! My realization was frightening and disturbing, but became bearable with journaling and thinking about what to do with it.

It helps be able to laugh at the ridiculous situation -- note that I find this comedy slightly triggering, but it helps to feel it, then laugh: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qcx3fcNlnSM

I also watched BORAT subsequent movie film last night with my SO -- it was also triggering -- the dad/daughter relationship, exaggerated for comic effect, still felt all too real for those of us who had dad's who only looked at us through a self-serving filter of how we might take care of their needs. And yet, it helped to laugh, and the satire is needed in a time when women still have to fight to be recognized as fully human, to be seen and heard. But it does take courage to step out of our cages.

Qigong is like getting your exercise, meditation and some therapy all in one flow.

Daily qigong, even just 10 minutes, has seemed to help me. I started in January of this year, and have been able to release plenty of trauma. Phew. I find it has helped me get to know what I'm feeling in my body, to trust it, and now I really look forward to qigong most days. On a rough day I'll do at least a couple of sets, maybe bookending the day.

Here's a great one for grounding:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AQH2Cj1g-xE

And here's one specifically for anxiety, trauma release and recovery -- I think of Rosemarie as the kind and wise grandmother I would have loved to have as a little girl:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v1WQw1L4Yek

Hi everyone,

This one started last week, but there are still several sessions left, once a week. (Oct 14 - Nov 12, 2020)

It's free, unless you want to upgrade for certification or permanent access to the courses.

https://www.nicabm.com/trauma20-1/?del=homepagepopular

Hi everyone. Many of your stories have aspects that sound so familiar to me. I only recently realized that I may have a kind of PTSD. What I was going through didn't exactly match up to PTSD experiences I'd heard about with survivors of war. And I'd grown so used to unpleasant feelings and panic attacks, that I didn't know or acknowledge they were happening, or that they might be a symptom. I developed chronic pain around ten years ago. I was sure I'd injured myself. Doctors found nothing. Physiotherapists had various theories. A few astute practitioners asked me gently about my emotional life. This was the crack in the door, that slowly enabled me to see that I'd been abused, emotionally as well as with physical violence. I think the emotional stuff may have been more damaging to me in some ways, because I couldn't see it for so long.  A friend noted casually that my ex was disrespectful -- I was so shocked and surprised that I had to get her to explain how. I just didn't see it. I had come to expect disrespect and emotional abuse. It was a given that my needs were nonentities. To this day, I still have a very difficult time with identifying and trusting my own feelings, figuring out boundaries, and protecting myself. I'm either too trusting or not able to trust. I'm working with a therapist now, Somatic Experiencing, and on my own with various resources trying to improve esteem, boundaries, and the ability to be in touch with my feelings. Thank you all for being here and sharing your experiences. It helps to not feel so alone.