I don't even know where to start.. I just felt like coming here would be a good way to get some guidance in a situation I feel tangled in.
Having only been diagnosed with CPTSD in October 2020, I'm still completely learning everything there is. I've always been told that I suffer from severe depression and anxiety, but when I started having flashbacks of things from my childhood, no one could tell me why. When I started having flashbacks during sex from events that happened while I was a child, I could tell something wasn't right. So i started seeking further help and assistance, and only after admitting to disassociating with my therapist in October, they discovered that I am suffering with more than just depression. Now dealing with almost constant emotional flashbacks, that I've always just considered mood swings. My disassociation has become bad enough that I'm currently with a therapist who is not allowed to discuss my traumas, while patiently waiting for my turn in line to see someone to help with interpersonal therapy, to prep me for secondary care with trauma specialists.
I have always been hypervigilant, and non-trusting. Which i always just put down to my personality. However I have only had one other instance whereby my triggers were so bad, even though I didn't know that they were triggers, and I was 19 at the time. I ran away from all of my problems, and suddenly I felt better. So I didn't think anything of it.
This time around, being told I went through trauma was practically a trigger for me. I've always made excuses for my parents, the way they are with me, what happened to me as a kid. What even happened to me as an adult. I guess I've always just tried to shrug everything off as though everyone else goes through this. Now I feel like an absolute alien to everyone else, and I'm struggling. Badly.
Looking at more of the present, I'm in a relationship with a beautiful and kind man, whom has stuck by me for 8 years. He had tolerated how badly I cry after sex, even sex I instigated. He had tolerated my midday breakdowns where he has abandoned work to come home to me. He had put up with my mistrust of friends or family, and understood my excuses behind it.
Until last month.
We (UK) got news of a new lockdown in certain areas just before Christmas. This new lockdown in our area meant that we couldn't see family. And his response to this was "well i'm going to see my parents regardless, so i guess you'll have to spend Christmas day on your own at home". Suddenly, feeling abandoned, all the feelings I'd been trying to suppress were back. Even though he backtracked his decision, and begrudgingly stayed at home with me, I couldn't and still can't shake this pain I feel. And ever since, everything has been worse. I'm triggered constantly. He just needs to ask for a hug and i'm vigilant.
He now responds differently. "stating things such as
"I just want to f***ing hug my girlfriend."
"I feel like you don't love me anymore."
"Are you just making this up?"
I have explained to him that I don't mean to react to him this way, and that him coming up behind me to hug me makes me feel like i'm going to die. But there is a level of whatever I am going through that he doesn't want to know about.
Fast track to today, and I have woken up feeling like I am going to throw up because we had one of the most difficult discussions of our relationship last night, which went like this.
"I need love."
"I can't give you love right now, I am constantly scared that you're going to get angry with me."
"I need love from you for this to work".
"I need more support from you for what i'm going through, and to know that you're gonna stick around with me when things continue to get tough; when i'm facing my fears."
"I can't give you support without love."
I'm stuck, because I need to recover. I need to get better once and for all. I need the therapy, and to work through my triggers and responses. Work and understand my trauma, come to terms with it as memories. And I don't think i can do that with him in my life now. But i don't want to be without him either.
The conversation with us has been left that we are going to see how the next 3 weeks go, and at the end of the 3 weeks reevaluate what we want from one other. And from this we can remain, extend or end. I don't know if its just how I am reacting to this scenario, or if others would be too, but I now feel like I'm waiting 3 weeks until the end of my relationship.
Please, if anyone else has been through this, or is going through this, I want to know what people did, or what they thought was best.
I'm feeling the most alone I've felt in a very long time.
Having only been diagnosed with CPTSD in October 2020, I'm still completely learning everything there is. I've always been told that I suffer from severe depression and anxiety, but when I started having flashbacks of things from my childhood, no one could tell me why. When I started having flashbacks during sex from events that happened while I was a child, I could tell something wasn't right. So i started seeking further help and assistance, and only after admitting to disassociating with my therapist in October, they discovered that I am suffering with more than just depression. Now dealing with almost constant emotional flashbacks, that I've always just considered mood swings. My disassociation has become bad enough that I'm currently with a therapist who is not allowed to discuss my traumas, while patiently waiting for my turn in line to see someone to help with interpersonal therapy, to prep me for secondary care with trauma specialists.
I have always been hypervigilant, and non-trusting. Which i always just put down to my personality. However I have only had one other instance whereby my triggers were so bad, even though I didn't know that they were triggers, and I was 19 at the time. I ran away from all of my problems, and suddenly I felt better. So I didn't think anything of it.
This time around, being told I went through trauma was practically a trigger for me. I've always made excuses for my parents, the way they are with me, what happened to me as a kid. What even happened to me as an adult. I guess I've always just tried to shrug everything off as though everyone else goes through this. Now I feel like an absolute alien to everyone else, and I'm struggling. Badly.
Looking at more of the present, I'm in a relationship with a beautiful and kind man, whom has stuck by me for 8 years. He had tolerated how badly I cry after sex, even sex I instigated. He had tolerated my midday breakdowns where he has abandoned work to come home to me. He had put up with my mistrust of friends or family, and understood my excuses behind it.
Until last month.
We (UK) got news of a new lockdown in certain areas just before Christmas. This new lockdown in our area meant that we couldn't see family. And his response to this was "well i'm going to see my parents regardless, so i guess you'll have to spend Christmas day on your own at home". Suddenly, feeling abandoned, all the feelings I'd been trying to suppress were back. Even though he backtracked his decision, and begrudgingly stayed at home with me, I couldn't and still can't shake this pain I feel. And ever since, everything has been worse. I'm triggered constantly. He just needs to ask for a hug and i'm vigilant.
He now responds differently. "stating things such as
"I just want to f***ing hug my girlfriend."
"I feel like you don't love me anymore."
"Are you just making this up?"
I have explained to him that I don't mean to react to him this way, and that him coming up behind me to hug me makes me feel like i'm going to die. But there is a level of whatever I am going through that he doesn't want to know about.
Fast track to today, and I have woken up feeling like I am going to throw up because we had one of the most difficult discussions of our relationship last night, which went like this.
"I need love."
"I can't give you love right now, I am constantly scared that you're going to get angry with me."
"I need love from you for this to work".
"I need more support from you for what i'm going through, and to know that you're gonna stick around with me when things continue to get tough; when i'm facing my fears."
"I can't give you support without love."
I'm stuck, because I need to recover. I need to get better once and for all. I need the therapy, and to work through my triggers and responses. Work and understand my trauma, come to terms with it as memories. And I don't think i can do that with him in my life now. But i don't want to be without him either.
The conversation with us has been left that we are going to see how the next 3 weeks go, and at the end of the 3 weeks reevaluate what we want from one other. And from this we can remain, extend or end. I don't know if its just how I am reacting to this scenario, or if others would be too, but I now feel like I'm waiting 3 weeks until the end of my relationship.
Please, if anyone else has been through this, or is going through this, I want to know what people did, or what they thought was best.
I'm feeling the most alone I've felt in a very long time.