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Topics - mojay

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Suicide Ideation/Self Harm / Feeling trapped
« on: January 18, 2021, 07:49:55 AM »
I am having a really hard time tonight. I have been coming off an SSRI. I wish someone in my life understood how I feel. Or saw how deep my pain actually is. I feel like it's a bottomless pit.

I don't want to have to see my abusers every day. I don't want to be here with my FOO. That thought of "I don't want to be here" is a trigger for my CPTSD symptoms and I feel so trapped in destructive thought patterns that I have worked so hard to break free from.

I feel like I am trapped here with FOO and I feel like there is no hope of me getting better if I stay here but I do not know how to leave. I have nowhere else to go right now. I've been so scared of this ever since I had to leave my job and move in with my S. I just knew, somehow, that I would end up living with my FOO again, and here I am. No options but living with FOO again. I guess I don't feel safe here because they never kept me safe when I was little. I just wish I knew how to get better. It really, really hurts.

I have therapy tomorrow morning so that will be good, too. Thank you to anyone who reads this. I'm so grateful for OOTS.

I feel so much worse when I am feeling trapped in a situation. I feel like it reminds me that I am trapped in unbearable pain that I did not choose for myself and that I was powerless to stop. I desperately want to get better, I don't want to feel this way anymore. I wish that my brain would help me out and give me better solutions. I want to feel better. Even dissociation would be preferable to the overwhelming feeling that my life is not right. At least then I feel like it's not my life and that's somehow better. *sighs* I don't know. I am going to try to do something calming (again).

Family of Origin (FOO) / Seeing the pattern continue
« on: January 08, 2021, 05:46:51 PM »
Hello all. I am feeling distraught by my F lately and my S. F is a covert narcissist. I have been learning how the pattern of abuse can continue through generations. My S has married a man just like my F.
Originally, I moved in with my S while getting treatment. Her H was never onboard with me living there but they both lied to me about it, so I had no idea until it was too late. Eventually he kicked me out because he "feared for my life" (he thought I would act on SI despite me saying numerous times I would not and that he was not following the safety plan we all agreed on with my therapist), forcing me to move back in with my abusers who he knew were my abusers. How does that make sense???
I am so heartbroken that this is her life now. She loves him, but I can see the struggle that it is for her to love him. She does not want to have children so maybe the cycle will not continue in her case? I fear that if they did have children, my BIL would never allow me close enough to make a difference and to be a safe adult for them. I am just so fearful and sad. So sad. I don't know what to do with these emotions over the situation, so thank you for letting me write on here.

Recovery Journals / MoJay's Journal Attempt
« on: January 05, 2021, 03:39:45 AM »
I've never been good at journaling. After reading some very inspiring recovery journals on OOTS and gaining a better understanding the format of "replies as entries" it seems less daunting to me. Maybe I don't need to write an essay every time, maybe I can just write a few lines when I need to and that will be okay???
Tonight will be more of an essay, i think :Idunno:

I had virtual therapy today after a really difficult weekend. I had three memories from childhood come back. The last time I had memories come back was about 3 years ago and I am so angry with myself for how I handled that. How I acted 3 years ago has been on my mind today. The differences between then and now are hugely important to my recovery but I want to talk about 3 years ago.

The memories back then were about the CSA/SSA and much scarier than what I've remembered over the weekend. I coped back then by inventing problems and bringing lies into my relationship. I think I did that (lying, manipulation, shame shame *shame*) to be comforted by my exes and friends without having to face the awful reality of why I needed comforting and why I was struggling. I feel like i tried to invent another world for myself so I had to focus on keeping up the lie and could ignore the truth.

I am grateful that I don't have to be that way anymore. I know that person was me, but I do not know who she was. I never want to be her again. Sometimes I will catch myself in a white lie. It is so embarrassing to have to say "that actually isn't the truth" or "I misspoke" but I feel so much better once I've realigned myself with the truth. My inner circle is very graceful about it. I try not to worry about what the outer circle  thinks, so long as I am careful to not hurt anyone.

I've discovered that a lot of my lies and hiding come from having to hide my emotions growing up and having to hide why I was so "out of control" aka distressed. I have felt so much shame and felt that I would be rejected if I was truthful about my intense need for compassion. I especially felt I'd be rejected by romantic partners (aka people who were supposed to care about me differently than my friends) if I was truthful about the CSA/SSA.

In 2019 when I was finally truthful with ex 2 about my FOO and the CSA/SSA... well... I was certainly shamed and rejected again. Funny enough, ex 2 had majored in psychology and had been in an LTR with an abusive narcissist so i thought they would understand at least some of my situation. There had been a lot of signs that my ex would not understand, but I had ignored those signs and hoped for understanding bc of their background. Wrong!! I can laugh about it now because I know that the shame is not mine, that their ignorance is not mine, and that my need for compassion is perfectly acceptable.

I've learned so much about myself over the past year of going to twice weekly therapy with a trauma-informed therapist. I also have really noticed a difference from rTMS treatment (I have had 18/36 sessions). I've always swung between left-brain dissociation and right-brain dissociation depending on where I was in a depressive episode. In the past I've felt like I was either disconnected and floating through life or I was obsessive and distracted - but rarely present. Excerpts from Pete Walker's CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving have taught me so much about how and why I experience dissociation the ways that I do. I think that the rTMS has "connected" the two halves of my brain and given a noticeable improvement to the  left-brain tasks one sees a dysfunction in with MDD. Not sure if the rTMS has effected my right brain, because I am receiving it for MDD and therefore the stimulation occurs on my left dorsolateral prefrontal cortex.

I just wish I had started treatment earlier. I always had a feeling I should be in therapy, but never knew how to "do it." In 2019 I was hospitalized 3 times for SI and MDD and that's when it all "clicked". Actually, it "clicked" in the partial hospitalization program (PHP) because it was specifically a women's group and we regularly discussed trauma-related issues. Despite living in a major city with good health insurance, I just couldn't find good help once I graduated from the PHP! I was also juggling a new job (my dream job!! I hope to return in 2021), an unhealthy and invalidating relationship with ex 2, and the death of a lifelong friend. When I decided to move states to live with my sister and pursue therapy full time everything changed. I feel so much more authentically me now. I feel like I have a future. I think this is a good place to end my journal :)

Thank you to anyone who made it all the way through this! I really value having this space.

Family of Origin (FOO) / My F gave my M Covid-19 - Possible TW
« on: January 02, 2021, 05:01:58 AM »
Hello everyone. I've been having a really hard time the last few days. My F behaved carelessly and recklessly and gave my M Covid-19. I feel like I'm a child again who can't keep my family safe. I feel like I'm a child again and I can't stay safe. I feel like I'm a child again and I have no one to keep me safe.

My M is a high-risk category for covid-19 fatality due to her asthma and age. My F has been sick since December 17th, 2020 with a bad cough and fatigue. He does not sanitize his hands or surfaces like all of us have been doing. He has been denying his symptoms. He has refused to get tested. He was not wearing a mask at home until my mom got her positive test back on 12/30/2020. He does not cover his mouth when he coughs or sneezes. He does not believe in masks, does not believe in Covid-19... yes he is one of those Americans. We overheard him bragging on the phone about being out in the community and taking off his mask to cough for reactions while he is symptomatic. There are no fines for not wearing a mask where I live so there are no repercussions for his behavior unless someone gets violent.

I hate his behavior. I hate living here. I feel so unsafe. I have been so terrified of my M contracting the virus and had so many anxiety attacks over it. I had a panic attack after she told me her PCR test was positive. I don't want her to die because of my F. In my late teens/early 20's I thought he would kill her bc of his alcoholic rages and now he might have. I hate this. I hate it here.

I want him to leave. I want him to get out of this house. My M should have divorced him two years ago but he spent 6 months in rehab for alcoholism so she let him stay. I want him out. I want her to start divorce proceedings as soon as she is well. I can't live like this anymore it's making me get so triggered all the time. I'm hyper-vigilant again. Emotional flashbacks multiple times a day. Intense anger.

I feel like I'm a child again and I can't escape this because I have nowhere else to go. He won't listen to anyone. Since my M's positive test he will wear a mask in house common areas during the day when people are more likely to see him and get upset and "bother him" but I've just seen him (it's 11 p.m. here) in the kitchen without a mask. I can hear him cough in his room and I can tell he doesn't cover his mouth. I'm so tired.

I need to go now but thank you for letting me talk.

Sexual Abuse / forgiving my abuser who has a developmental disability
« on: December 31, 2020, 03:09:25 AM »
I am the youngest daughter of a larger family (3 siblings) with two parents who worked full time and are alcoholics. My CPTSD was caused by my oldest brother's CSA (SSA), my parent's emotional neglect and my father's physical/verbal abuse of all his children.

My oldest brother has Autism Spectrum Disorder and has had his own mental health journey that has lasted into adulthood. His developmental disability adds a complicated factor to the CSA (SSA) I endured at his hands because I feel like he didn't know that what he was doing was wrong and he didn't understand that he was hurting me. I believe that intentions don't trump experience (as in someone with "not bad" intentions can still cause a harmful experience for someone and that harmful experience is no less valid) but I'm so conflicted.

I know that people with mental illness or developmental disabilities are more likely to be abused rather than to be abusers. I feel so fearful of telling the whole truth about my brother because I don't want to add to the stigma. Despite what happened, I still love him. It's so painful. I'm so fearful of making a post on here about this, but it's been something that's really weighing on my mind. Please, please, please don't think that I am writing this post as negativity against people with developmental disorders.

One day I would like to talk to him about what happened. I would like for him to apologize and I would like to forgive him instead of justifying things only to myself. We currently both live with our parents, I've only recently moved back in due to circumstances out of my control. I live in America and the Covid-19 epidemic and resulting economic crisis has had a huge impact on me. He has always lived with my parents due to his disability.

I still feel so conflicted. Has anyone ever forgiven their abuser? Has anyone experienced a situation like mine? Is it even possible to forgive him?

Introductory Post / Hello, I'm finally healing
« on: December 31, 2020, 01:16:06 AM »
Hello everyone, I'm a new member and am very nervous but excited to join this community. I developed CPTSD in childhood and have been in treatment for a full year. I received a CPTSD diagnosis in 2019 after years of unsuccessful treatment because I was only treating my co-morbidities.

I'm really grateful to be here. As I've become stronger and more healthy, my desire to find a community to share questions, validations, fears and joys has blossomed... So here I am! Thank you all for building this community, I'm looking forward to joining everyone.

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