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So, an art center near me does this thing each year called Little Houses. On a certain date, they will hand out rough wooden templates that are blocks connected to for a house shape. You sign up and get a blank, then have 2 months to decorate it/do whatever with it (within size limits) and then turn it back in. They're then auctioned off for charity. I decided to do it this year and challenge my abilities. I crochet, so I decided to cover the house in crochet. BUT! Since it's small, I'm using crochet thread, not yarn. Wow, this stuff is tiny. I'm working on panels to cover each section, then will add details and decorations. I have until April 29 and it's going faster than I thought.

Here's a link to the in-process pics so far. I'll add more as it continues.  little house pics

found on CPTSD reddit:
Biology of Trauma summit is this week. Each day's videos are available for 24 hours for free. https://biologyoftrauma.byhealthmeans.com/daily-event/

Lots of discussion of adverse childhood experiences and their impact on health later in life.

as mentioned in my journal, here's a couple of examples from a year or two ago.

Something I noticed with my therapist is that I have, so far, extreme difficulty even saying this happened, although it did. Like, it's actually hard to say the words. Does/Did anyone else have trouble saying it, as if it would make it finally real or even change you for saying it at all? I sometimes wonder if this is how people feel when they have to get up the ability in AA to actually say "My name is X and I'm an alcoholic." Like that is a pivotal point? I hope this makes sense.

(note: I am aware from years in the medical industry of how being able to recite the facts of an event is different from being able to emotionally state and process it.)

Doing some more Inner Child work lately and discovered one is a boy, about 9 and 3/4. (he insisted he's almost 10. I am AFAB (assigned female at birth) and identify as non-binary. I used to joke for years that I had an "inner pre-teen boy" because I liked the humor of things like Beavis and Butthead, dumb fart jokes, that kind of thing. Maybe I subconsciously knew and could only deal with it like that. I also found out he's been the "protector" of my younger ICs, little girls about 7 and 4. He hasn't named himself yet, but trust takes work. He's definitely talkative in my writings, that's for sure. The more I learn, the more things make sense.

So.... I'm working on some abandonment issues due to some memories that came up. The male parental unit (so called because that person does not deserve the title of father or dad) was in the Air Force and we moved around almost every year. I'm remembering now that he would use abandonment as a threat for compliance, and it's hitting really hard. (As well as explaining some habits I have.) I also feel I haven't even uncovered all of it, but I try not to force memories. On the one hand, I'm slightly relieved that there is an explanation for things, but OTOH, I dread each moment that comes to light. They usually come with EFs bad enough that I lose time and come back to myself crying.  Without going into details about the threats themselves, I can now see where they affected me in the following ways:

• impulse shopping - if you don't get it now, you never will.
• collecting - having lots of "stuff" now, where before, I had to choose what to keep to ship to the next place we went.
• at the same time, rarely allowing myself to get attached enough to a physical thing that I can't let it go if I have to.
• the fact that I'm 51 and have really only lived alone in my life for about 2 years.
• the huge fear of being alone somewhere with no help in sight.
• having control over/not letting my possessions be taken by anyone. (I was an only child, so I didn't have to learn to share or borrow.)

etc, etc. That's it, I just felt the need to post this, but it felt like too specific a topic for just my journal area.

Hey all, Bee inspired me!

Let's each list 5 songs that make us smile for whatever reason when we hear them. Maybe we can then make playlists to cheer ourselves up, possibly.

Please include what each song is about so someone can avoid something if it's not what they would like.  Here, I have an example.

"Big Girls" by Mika - body positive song about appreciating plus size women, sung by a skinny young cute guy. Has lovely plus size women in corsets dancing in the streets.

"Can't Stop the Feeling" by Justin Timberlake - from the animated movie "Trolls". never saw it, but it's basically a lot of random everyday folks dancing in their homes and workplaces and all, and a little of him as well. Song is all about happy feelings and dancing.

"Roar" by Katy Perry - about getting out of a bad relationship with lots of gaslighting and verbal abuse (nothing specific in song), finding your own power and embracing it.  Silly video of surviving in a jungle after a plane crash, wild animals, and, uh... flower and leaf bikinis. LOL

"Happy" by Pharrell - repetitive song about feeling happy and deciding to be happy. Video is lots of famous people doing silly dances and walks, along with other random people. NOTE: Wierd Al Yankovic has a parody version called "Tacky" and got a lot of famous people to help him too. If you thought 80's neon print clothes were ugly, this will make you laugh.

I actually couldn't decide for my 5th one. It's not so much that they're happy in theme or lyrics, but that they all have good memories. I suppose I could choose "For Good" from the musical "Wicked". We sang that in chorus. It's between Elphaba and Glinda and basically talks about how even though they didn't always get along or do well (lots of metaphorical imagery in song), just knowing each other was life-changing.

So... What are your choices?

I started Sertraline (50mg) this morning, my psych prescribed it to try. I would be interested to hear about other's experiences while taking it. I'm not on anything else at all except a calcium supplement. I did take fluoxetine (generic Prozac) about 20-some off years ago for clinical depression, but it was only for a couple months so it didn't do much back then.) I'll be checking back in with my psych on the 8th to see how it's going and she's apprised me of the potential effects. I'm also one of those people who completely reads the pharmacy sheet when I get something. Just curious, what was it like for you?

So, after not finding much for free, someone from the CPTSD foundation group I'm in asked if I was interested in helping set up an online live regular meeting, a peer-led thing. (which means none of us are therapists of any kind) Sometimes, live helps, especially if there's no requirement to turn on a camera. Would anyone here be interested in such a thing? We're just feeling out interest and seeing what times people might be available if they wanted to do such a thing.

Thank you, Universe, for once again hearing what I needed and showing me there's more than one way of finding it. LOL

Just out of curiosity, does anyone know of any online free CPTSD support groups that aren't about substance abuse? Like, actual meetings, not post-and-reply things like here and FB groups, but scheduled meetings. Everything I find seems substance-abuse adjacent. (and I don't want something that's going to talk about "God" or "higher powers" or "amends".)

My time is flexible, so time zone may not matter.

Got asked a great question. "How can I be kind to myself today?" At first, I thought, oh good idea, I'll find something nice and fun. then, as I thought about options, I found myself dismissing them one by one for various reasons. I realized I do this a LOT. If it's something for myself and not really a "need", then I often overthink all the options and get overwhelmed and end up choosing nothing and being depressed.

Example: Recently, my bro gave me a gift card for my birthday. I was excited to spend it. Then everything I started to look at on wish lists and stuff, I was thinking things like "I don't really need that" or "Is that really worth the price" or "Eh, I'm not sparking joy about it or whatever." I ended up talking to my therapist about just picking something. I did end up getting a lovely tea set I wanted and I'm very happy with it. But it took DAYS to get to the point of deciding what to spend it on.

And this morning, the being kind to myself. I thought "Oh, I'll get some snacks in a grocery delivery." Stopped myself when I saw the delivery fee had gone up. Then thought "I have a face mask sheet, I can pamper myself." Then thought I don't feel like laying around with it on. Then thought "I can watch videos or play video games." Aaaaaaaand I do that normally, so how is that anything different? I don't feel like going anywhere and I can't think of anything that sounds both doable and interesting. (especially without spending money) I can feel this spiraling and it's likely to devour my whole day. yet I'll end up doing nothing and feel guilty about that. (This is totally not the asker's fault, I'm just now recognizing what I do as a pattern.)

UGH! It's even more frustrating now that I can see the pattern.

My maternal cousin, the only blood relative I talk to, let me know that he saw his dad the other day (my maternal uncle) in hospice. The man is super old and fading. But I also found out (never had much contact with them) he is/was a pedophile and even had some accusations made that never stuck. (He was a school principal most of his life). Not having much contact throughout my life, I feel... strange. Like, weirded out, but at the same time, strangely unsurprised. I'm dealing with all my own trauma from my male parental unit, and it's just freaky to find out another male relative was also a monster in secret and I never knew. And also so sad my cousin and I have these things in common.

EDITED: I found out it was an elementary school system he worked in, not high school. ugh, even worse.)

While getting a few things like toys and glitter pens and all have been fun and helpful, I live in an older home that isn't very big. I've had to be creative in how I indulge my Inner Child(ren) to help myself heal. One way is virtually. I play Animal Crossing on the Switch. You can customize your character immensely, your home, you name it. (and all the other characters are nice to you and fun.) So I made one of of my characters up as if she IS my Inner Child. She has a house with all the things she likes in whatever color she likes, fun comfy clothes, pretty dress-up things, "boy toys" if she wants them (although the RC helicopter comes in pink also), all kinds of stuff.  She can run around and no one tells her to stop or sit still or be quiet. She can go fishing or catch ladybugs or eat fruit off trees, or even dig holes everywhere or dance in the middle of the plaza. Sometimes, you just have to be a little flexible and creative to get the things and healing you need.  Doing all this has helped her trust more and be more open with me, and I've grown to the point where I bought a pink tshirt!  (I told myself for years I hated that color) Let's see if I can put some pictures in here...
well, it doesn't want to show them. So go here and look at the several most recent pic posts and it's the character with pigtails. (or just April 2021 posts depending on when you read this.)
https://twitter.com/CuppaTea_Writer

We went out, and a route we normally take to get a lot of places goes by our local hospital. it has an overpass over the street that connects it with the Dr's parking garage. A huge banner was up there that said "YOU ARE NOT YOUR TRAUMA". (for SA Awareness Month)

I thought that was a very lovely and validating thing to see for all kinds of trauma.

Sage

I did some inner child work this morning and she remembered an unpleasant memory I'd mostly forgotten. That was around 9am or so.

I know I reheated something for lunch, and did some writing, then had ice cream later... But beyond that, I've zoned out most of the day. It's a quarter to 6pm now. How is it that late already? I'm normally a bit more aware of how I spend my time, so I can only think the day was not wanting to deal with what my inner child brought. Now I feel kinda guilty and useless for "wasting" my day. Is this dissociation? It kinda feels like the day happened to someone else, or I just imagined it? This feels very odd now that I'm trying to be mindful of it. I also feel like it's time to eat dinner but I'm not particularly hungry. I couldn't tell you if the ice cream (wasn't much) was 2 hours ago, though, or right after lunch.

Sage

Just started Inner Child work. I'm doing the question and answer thing and discovered something interesting. If I use only my dominant (right) hand and just switch pens (my inner child prefers colored pens), the voice, language level, comprehension, etc is about 7 years old. But if I do the exercise where you answer with your non-dominant hand, she's about 3 and the handwriting is remarkably child-like for then. Big shaky letters, spelling not quite right yet, age-appropriate drawing... and emotions. It's very very interesting. They even have different names. Anyone else experience this? My BFF talks about having an inner teen as well, but I haven't gotten to that.

It's also been very eye-opening in what they say and like as well. Things I've denied about myself for a very long time. As an adult, I hate the color pink.  Apparently the youngest inner child adores it. It's really making me think about a lot of assumptions I have as an adult and where stuff comes from.

Applying to various online jobs with all their stupid application systems. One wanted me to create and account and had "security questions" and  severely tweaked me off. Sure, I know and can remember my mom's maiden name, I've used that for years in security questions. But their other options were "Name of the 1st school you attended", "The 1st car you ever owned", "The city your first school was in", The street you lived on when you were 5 years old", "your 1st pet's name".....

I DON'T KNOW! I don't know any of that information! I've never owned a car, we were military and moved a LOT, I couldn't even tell you what state my first school was in. And who the heck remembers their street's name from 5 years old? I was just so torqued off. If they hadn't had  a couple other options, I wouldn't have finished the blanking application. >

I read The Body Keeps the Score first, and just finished From Surviving to Thriving. Does anyone have recommendations on what would be good next?  My main needs are the male parent as the narc, no religious overtones please,  and maybe looking at repressed memories. And of course, how this is affecting me now.  I haven't learned yet about actual Inner Child or Inner Critic work, and am interested in exploring that.
Thanks in advance,
Sage

I'm trying to make some decisions, and of course, I don't want to do anything drastic and radical. What herbs/vitamins/supplements have worked for you? What dietary changes have worked for you? (other than vegetarian/vegan. No offense, I don't want to do that.) Or, do you have any links to LEGIT sites that discuss such things? I'm searching, but it's kinda hard to find good sources that aren't either some form of either "I dropped out of society and only eat gingko leaves on Tuesdays" radical blog or the opposite of some scientific "We don't believe in that crap, just take your chemical meds" kind of thing. I know natural stuff works, but I need a starting place to figure out what to try first.

EDIT: I should clarify - I'm currently unemployed and on a budget, so $40 a month per bottle vitamins aren't doable in general. Also, I'm in the USA, but do have access to Amazon, pretty much anywhere on the net, and an International grocery store in town that focuses on Asian and Indian imports.

Thanks in advance,
Sage

For the days where a trigger doesn't happen, do you have a "worst time of day?"

I tend to have stuff come up once I've laid down for the night. Even if my day was boring and average, once I go to bed, that limnal state is when my mind starts racing. Intrusive thoughts happen at this time, memories come up, etc. It's like my mind says, "Ahhhh... We're relaxing now. Guess that means you're good to go on processing this, right? BLAM here you go, then."

It can be so aggravating.
Sage