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Welcome, White Flame! And also welcome Juliette! It'll be good for my puppies to me a cat bigger than they are - LOL

We are very glad you found your way to us (though we never are glad that you had cause to need us).

      I'm another big hugger, so you have several of us around.

I'm inside, sitting by a window and enjoying that breeze. It feels warm, tropical almost! Just what I really needed today.

I'll be in or around most of the day. Make yourself at home. That's part of the point - this porch IS like home - whatever helps you calm, center, breathe (I'm a BIG fan of breathing), that's what this porch will have. As you need it, when you need it. Oh, and all the many animals at the porch are well behaved (here, at least) and get along together :-)

Oh, Andyman, that's really horrible! Dad has always had the excuse of geographical distance as his reason. Your parents just ACT as if that was so. I'm so sorry this is your reality!

I used to laugh that my mother thought roads and phones only worked in one direction - from her children to her. She and I went through a few rough patches that led to no contact, then very low contact. We're still minimal contact, but we do both call each other from time to time. She comes to MY house for holidays, at my invitation. She doesn't understand why we refuse to meet at her apartment anymore. The reality that my son is so allergic to her cat that he cannot be in the same confined space more than 5 minutes doesn't seem to sink in. But, at least we do see each other, now that she sees that there are TWO lanes on most roads.

It wasn't until I became blunt with both parents that they began to reach out more often. Then, I did the most passive aggressive thing I could think of. I refused to call either one until they called me at least once. Nearly a year went by with Mom - and then it was to try to guilt me into helping her medically because she was feeling lonely. For Dad, over a year went by. That's when the emails started appearing semi-regularly. Not the group emails everyone else got ( I was accidentally forwarded one by a sister), but at least they were something. It's been over a year since this post. The only thing that's changed is the date.

Oh, and I think my sister (the email forwarder) let a cat out of the bag that she wasn't supposed to. She told me that my father complained to her that he would find it very difficult to forgive anyone who missed his 80th birthday party. The reason I wasn't supposed to know that was that the only candidate to likely miss that party would be me. So, why was he saying this to her? And why would she share it with me? Even if he was kidding, that was incredibly insensitive. And, if it wasn't true, why would she say it? At this point, when I shared that comment with my husband, he and I both reached a 'that's enough - that's the final blow' stage.

We haven't confronted my sister (did he REALLY say that?) or my Dad (how could you? and with sis and not me?) about it. But, the reason I believe that it was both true and supposed to stay between him and sis is that Dad has been overboard lately in letting me know that I am loved, am 'still part of the family', calling about twice a month and emailing the no-call weeks. I have cried a lot over this whole situation. That has angered my husband - because of how hurt I must have been to be brought to tears. It's still hard to talk to him or my stepmother. But, I do still call and do still talk to them. Call me a sucker, but I do still seek their love and approval, even when all the evidence is that I am and will always remain the forgotten one, the footnote. Yes, the time is now to say the one I keep avoiding - the regretted accident.

I can't give good advice on this. I'm still in the thick of hurt feelings. What I can say is this. Find your truth. Find your worth in yourself. They haven't validated you in 19 years, they aren't going to. We will, those of us who are getting to know you or already know you now. We will. You are worthy, you are valuable, you do matter! To us! Maybe a break with no contact can help you discover this worth. Just resolve to NOT call or text them until after they reach out to you. Then, when it takes months, you have your answer of where you stand with them.

People won't always be honest about how they feel. But, they will generally, unintentionally, be honest with how they treat you. The actions (or lack of actions) speak volumes about where the relationship REALLY stands.  So, with that in mind, here are some hugs, so you know that YOU are real, you are WORTHY and I care!   

It might look like a smash up of yoga and ballet, but I love moving just for the sake of moving! I'm out of practice and out of shape, but I'll give it a go.

::: Dancing like nobody is watching :::

Since Mama-Bear is in our imaginations, she's free to roam around your memories, join them and protect Little Hope and Adult Hope from the scariness of those memories. She can't rewrite history, but she can give you something to change the focus, to remove the horror, to protect you from the 'THEM' that live in those memories.

Mama-Bear helped me through these past few days in my real life. It was healing. I can look back, say it did happen, it was real, it did hurt, then look away to Mama-Bear and her soft, loving eyes. She's taken those memories for me. They're not gone, their effects can still be felt at my choosing. I chose to give them to Mama-Bear to hold for me. So, now I can move out into the world and BE ME, not those memories of me, not who I think others should or want to see as me. I can be ME.

She's there, by your side, ready to take possession of any memories you want to give her. To be done with them, if possible. To acknowledge they existed, they were real. But, they don't get to define Little Hope or Adult Hope anymore. Mama-Bear will help you take their sting away. Even if it means she takes the sting herself - a small thing in protecting her Hope. She loves Hope completely. All of the complicated wonderfulness that is Hope.

She knows she can't fix everything, but she'll fix what you allow her to, on YOUR time table as YOU are ready - because she is YOUR Mama-Bear. She's here to help you, not mold or shape or control you in any way. YOU get to set the boundaries, practicing on her what can help you in your real life. She is willing, because she loves you. Not the manipulative love that some use against us. That healthy, boundary-accepting, encouraging, cherishing love that many of us missed. The kind of love you have always deserved.

  Thank you all for the incredible support. It mattered. It matters. I carry it with me and your support sustains me.

It wasn't a heart attack, but it was certainly more than nothing. We are relieved. He's home from the hospital and doing much better. The doctor believes hubby will be able to manage with medication. All say he was lucky. That he didn't ignore it, that he didn't have a worse warning.

I'm at work and crazy busy again - as usual. I will try to type more if I get caught up better than I am now.



Christmas was a wonderful, beautiful day. So much better than hubby or I expected. Especially given all that had gone before.

Yes, the comfortable silence is just what I need today. To feel the loving energy, the healing energy is enough. Words might spoil it.   

Thank you all!  Back to each of you!

Yes, I see you over there, sister San. I feel your love and strengthening energy as well. Thank you!

Thank you all. I am stronger than I used to be. The porch, in many ways, is partially responsible. All of you are also partially responsible.

Yes, even you, Decimal Rocket! We may have just met, but I like who you are showing yourself to be. I smile every time I see your forum name in a thread. 

For why I'm here today. I've told everyone a version of the story that fits their view of me and my husband. I haven't told anyone the whole story, though. Not even myself until I sat down and began typing. I'm not fully ready to share it all here yet, and I don't really have time, either.

Right now, all I'll say is that my husband is in the hospital, they are running test to see what has happened. It's more than just a heart attack. Maybe no heart attack at all, but something is seriously physically wrong. And I feel trapped inside panic and sympathetic chest pains. I want to spare him all of this, but that's not my job. I want to reassure him that I'll never leave, but that becomes a lie as he uses it as a tool to manipulate me.

Last night, I spent the night in my home alone. Our son-in-law is watching our son so I can be at work today. Hubby is still in the hospital, having tests run. I am here at work, completely distracted, but doing my best to actually get work done. My coworkers have been helping - I had to leave suddenly yesterday to take hubby to the hospital. Still, I like things my way and had to go back through everything done for me and re-do it the way that is helpful to me.

Being in that home alone, for the first time since getting married, some old ghosts showed up. Insomnia, regret, sadness. Not even the puppies could bring me any joy. So many emotions, and I haven't the time to really deal with them at all. I'm sure life will make me deal with them. Hopefully not with the dramatic method chosen for hubby. Still, I know it is coming and I hope I'm ready. I also hope this isn't ruining our son's Christmas. To have two such damaged parents must be near unbearable to him. We talk and he says that helps, but still.... more emotions.

Oh, Andyman, I hope there's room for me there today. I could really use a long soak in a healing mineral spring. Yes. I am able-bodied for the walk and each step feels like I'm shedding some of this pain.

The walk was certainly worth it. Close enough to see the fire's light at night, but far enough away to feel at peace. The water is just a touch hotter than others might like. To me it is just perfect.

I'm stocking the changing areas with bath sheet sized towels, each magically endowed with the same emotional helps as the blankets down at the house. Weary bones and weary souls, Andyman has brought us a wonderful help. Thank you!

Now that I feel somewhat rejuvenated, I'll head back to the main house. I'm going to rock in the changing perspectives swing on the border between the ocean and the garden sides.

 

I've borrowed a blanket from the porch and brought it to you... The blanket of not-blaming-myself. If you feel strongly enough that you need a doctor, you will find the strength to go. If not, you won't. No blame in that. Either way! The blanket is warm, the love stitched in (love-of-self included) to the pattern sometimes glows!

Anyone would get annoyed at having to fill in a new doctor with details the retired doctor already knew. It's what I had hoped would be solved by the portable care act. That we would own our records and could just bring them to the next doctor and say, 'Here. This should answer most of it. I'll be in this corner while you read, in case you have questions.' I hope my naiveté made you smile just a bit :-)

Because people are being nice to you, Mama Bear is curled up with a paw next to you. All you need do is tap her paw and she'll be up. She may seem asleep. You may crawl all over her soft Mama fur and find that just-right spot to feel safe, comfortable and loved. Where ever you end up, she'll be one tap away from wakefulness and readiness.

  Yes, the blend of Earth and Ethernet is a wonderful combination. Like salty & sweet - just meant to be together.

I'm here for peace and strengthening today. I'll be inside, next to a window, looking out. No, I've changed my mind. I'll take my blankets with me and go walk the beach. Feeling the sand between my toes, the water lap over my feet. I'll feel that wonderful drag of the undertow as the water recoils back into the ocean. I'll watch the sand draw from around my feet as the water pulls it in every direction.

There is my son, up ahead, running towards me, holding some new treasure he simply MUST share with me. How much he makes me feel precious and special! Reminding me of all of you, how I want each of you to feel that same genuine love and honor just for being who you are.

The shell he shows me is beautiful. I smile and share with him how cleaver he is to find it. Confident with my encouraging words, he's off again. I can't help but smile, now. I'm thankful for these years he still runs to me. I know the day is coming when he'll run towards his own destiny and that I might not be in the same direction. That's ok. He'll be around, our bond is strong.

Yes, the porch, the beach, the blankets and all of you have helped me put into perspective what needed adjusting. I am strengthened and at peace. At least for right now.

Three Roses - I love the new look & quote! IT brought a smile just as I really needed one. THANK YOU! 

Andyman, you can always hide up in the tree-house. It overlooks the porch and gardens. Nobody will bother you up there and we are happy to give you the privacy you seek. What warm blanket of healing emotion would you like for me to fold and leave by the edge of the forest? They don't have to stay on the porch to work! Also, we have thermos containers to keep coffee or tea or whatever your preferred beverage is at just the right temperature.

Sometimes it is nice to hear the sounds of others without actually being a part of it.

I'm on my way to the porch today, but just for a quick visit. The calming blanket helped yesterday and I'm in a much better place to trudge forward on my very busy work day. Hugs to those who enjoy hugs, smiles for the rest