Messages

 

I'm so grateful you survived. I wish the others did too. 

Holding the positive might be like a strainer in the kitchen sink, but this forum can be like the beautifully imperfect ceramic bowl you put under the strainer to catch the good stuff.

  

Me, too. Still with you. We too.

Thanks for saying that. When you share with your T it will be helpful for many, for her to hear that perspective, plus healthy to get some of that anger expressed.

I struggled with some of the same thoughts about the gang rape that was set up to be perpetrated against me after rejecting the advances of an old man. That situation was more a mix of both power and gratification. Getting to take what they want no matter what. But I did have a hard time with the power vs gratification question. It's both, and especially in combination both are horrid things to do to a human and especially a child. I am so so so sorry they used you in that way and harmed you for life. Right now it's a wound. I feel confident that one day with honesty to yourself, compassion for younger you, and open communication with your T and wife that this will become a scar instead of an open wound.  Gentle safe nontouch hugs from a stranger far away. 

Hi Miyagido,

It took me several years of collecting random flashes and pieces of memory and triggers and flashbacks to piece things together. When I did all the random pieces fit together and made perfect sense. I've found thanking the parts of me for sharing, letting them know I can handle what they have to show or tell me, and letting them know they can share more to be a helpful approach, and really like the idea Kizzie shared. But unfortunately once I get these parts' trust and they share with me I get pretty overwhelmed and shut things down for awhile. In my experience it takes quite a long time and that's probably a good thing.

I've considered it but haven't tried it. Do you have a therapist? Do you know the therapeutic dose? I don't know a lot but what I have been told is that the dose people take to "trip" is much higher than what is helpful for therapeutic use. The other question I have is: does it feel safe for you to experience traumatic memories or other disturbing things in the presence of your son? Is there a therapist you can seek support from before, during, or after? This may be just purely helpful or it might open a can of worms. I'd want to have help lined up to process these things, myself. My understanding is that at least what the clinical trials are saying and recommending are that the drugs alone aren't therapeutic...they call it drug-assisted psychotherapy, not drug therapy. Anyway lots to consider especially since ypu have some reservations from childhood experiences. Take your time deciding and researching for yourself. There's no rush.

Happy Birthday Larry! I'm glad you were born and are here now. 

But  for the bad feelings and wanting to forget. That is understandable.

There's a little kid part of me who needs to hang out here today someplace safe while I do adult things. She's sitting in the grass playing with the butterflies and bugs and flowers and humming to herself. She won't need anything from anybody. She's just there in peace. I might send her a surprise puppy later.

Sweet dreams. It's warm and safe and there are hammocks here. 

It's smart to listen to yourself and know when the time is right or isn't right for going in there. Healing is important I think but the timing has to be right and the pace slow. You're not copping out.

It is such a huge act of hope to start healing. You are doing so well being willing to face this stuff. Many people never develop the ability to do what you are doing, just trying.

The despair, over-reactions, emptiness, all those feelings that come up that feel disproportionate...this is so understandable (and common). It took awhile but I finally get that when these things happen it's not because I am overreacting to the present but because I have been triggered and am now reacting to and FROM the past.

When this is happening, when things feel so so bad? That's a flashback without pictures. You have been dumped with no warning or choice into the part of your brain that went thru some of the worst things a child can go thru and that part of your brain starts to respond to the present situation too. It takes some work to be able to take back over as the adult. I found that once I got dumped in a trauma section of my brain thru triggering, I didn't have a way to get back out and so I'd spend days overreacting and in despair until something managed to reset my brain. All out of my control. I had to actually build like a neuro-pathway from the parts of my brain that hold the past to present adult me so I could voluntarily travel back and forth rather than be dumped and trapped in there.

Thanks to the dissociative barriers we had to build there are not connections in our brains that should be there because we had to close those parts of our mind off to survive. So traumatic reminders get instant access like a trapdoor but we can't willingly come and go at first. This is where parts work comes in. It's been really effective for me and like you I hated the idea at first and resisted.

Oh and grandparents...I thought my kids didn't understand that my mom was messed up and also felt bad for not letting them spend more time with her. But once she passed my son started talking about how mean and crazy she was. They see these things. They may not regret not knowing them though they may regret the idea of not having loving grandparents. Are your wife's parents in their life and healthy?

Wishing you strength for getting through these 2 weeks. 

Sometimes I write things that I know won't make sense to people reading just to get the things out of my mind and in the process helping to get them a little clearer to myself. Just saying that so you remember it's OK to just write here for yourself and ok to write things that don't make sense (yet).

 

Hi I am so sorry that you were brutally assaulted by your commander while you were serving. It's I think one of the worst forms of assault and just makes me so angry that women and men have to suffer this way while sacrificing and serving.

I saw a really touching documentary about sexual assault in the military. If you haven't seen it let me know and I'll try to find the name of it. I find hearing others' stories helpful in not feeling alone.

How are you doing now? Have you received treatment or just a diagnosis? Thanks for sharing here, TriciaB.

 

Hugs to you Marianne. You're in a really tough situation. My only advice is just to be kinder to yourself. Like maybe talk to yourself the way you would to a child? It's OK that you deleted things. You had your reason when you did. That's trauma and also your admirable value system of not wanting to tally and prove others' wrongs. The part of you that deleted that stuff had reasons and it has to do with protecting yourself. It might not make sense to the adult Marianne but you had a reason for doing it. 

Hi Hope. I relate to your post and the vague feeling that your partner wishes you were over it by now. Sometimes I feel the same vibes from my H but after talking I realize that well of course he does. I do too. But that he understands and it's more feeling helpless. I find it's really helpful when instead he points out things that seem to be getting better. I should tell him that. 

  hugs to you for getting thru easter.