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Messages - Marianne

#1
Frustrated? Set Backs? / Re: Giving up & faith
March 28, 2024, 06:49:06 AM
Thank you both. That was much needed.
#2
Recovery Journals / Re: Recovery journal Marianne
March 28, 2024, 06:08:06 AM
I was so scared and sad end of yesterday. I shared my childhood story with a colleague. Then felt superbad for speaking negatively of my family. 

Also, I had my period today.
#3
Recovery Journals / Re: Recovery journal Marianne
March 27, 2024, 04:47:26 PM
Dolly thank you so much for your considerate reply. It is much appreciated.

I'm sorry you can relate. But thank you for sharing that.
#4
Recovery Journals / Re: Recovery journal Marianne
March 27, 2024, 04:45:13 PM
Today I had a lot of guilt and shame. But despite that I did some good things.

I called my dad, which I shouldn't have. But I kept my calm. He will always deny his problems. I need to accept that he will never change.

For myself:

- I prayed a lot.
- I sang hopeful songs.
- I ate sort of well.
- I visited the sauna.
- I did volunteering.
- I socialised.
- I booked a weekend away for Easter with my son.
- I cleaned a bit.
- I invited a friend to church for tonight.
#5
Frustrated? Set Backs? / Re: Giving up & faith
March 25, 2024, 02:58:16 AM
I spoke to dad again. I feel suicidal. He is like a tank driving over you and crushing you, and not even noticing he is killing you.

I was sad about dad. My son noticed and asked. I made a sad (angry) remark about my dad. So son was sad too. Im so ashamed. The relationship with my dad turns me into a bad mother. But I don't know how to hide it anymore.
#6
Recovery Journals / Re: Recovery journal Marianne
March 24, 2024, 09:41:15 AM
That is interesting!

Thanks for the encouragement. I was thinking to first start paleo, then transition to Keto again. It helps. But I lack discipline. Hearing it helped you helps me stick to it.

How long when you noticed effects?
#7
Recovery Journals / Re: Recovery journal Marianne
March 24, 2024, 09:22:32 AM
Torn.

My dad did so much damage to me and my son. And yet I crave his love. And feel guilty and obliged to love him.
#8
Recovery Journals / Re: Recovery journal Marianne
March 24, 2024, 08:23:56 AM
I started a healthy paleo style diet. Especially skipping dairy and gluten is so important to my mental health. I just feel severely depressed every time I eat dairy, and I did that a lot lately.

Im also religiously taking my iron pills. Iron was very low. I think it causes mental struggles too.

Today son is sick, so the fun outing we planned isn't working. I'll make him hot tea and being sick food.
#9
Recovery Journals / Re: Recovery journal Marianne
March 23, 2024, 06:46:00 PM
Thank you hope. :)
#10
Recovery Journals / Re: Recovery journal Marianne
March 22, 2024, 08:03:47 PM
I also spoke with my psychotherapist. She seems good. She may also do systems therapy, or her colleague will.

My goals for the week:

- Live my own life well.
- Give my son and friends loving attention.
- Leave my dad alone. If he doesn't like me, I can't force him.
- Be still and wait for God. Don't fight.
- Speak about positive things. Don't speak negative things all week.
#11
Recovery Journals / Re: Recovery journal Marianne
March 22, 2024, 07:57:57 PM
I had a day of stress. I needed to write to cps. Their report was full of utter *. I also made a well-intended decision my dad was angry about. I calmly stood my ground.

My lawyer helped me brilliantly. She managed to skip everything negative towards my dad. And hit a positive tone. As I asked.

I visited loving friends.

And God shows me the text "be still" every time this week. Be still, in his presence, wait for him to act. It helps me tremendously in the circumstances.

I'm praying for my son and my dad. I hurt them. I wish them well. And hope dad lets go of the cement wall he built between us. I try to be calm and kind, but with boundaries.
#12
Does anybody have ideas about this?

I've done a lot of self-reflection. And uncovering of trauma. Both things that others did to me, and things I did to others. I feel it brought some growth. I can for example speak up for myself and others better now. But I'm also in pain all the time. And see everything in a much more negative light. I feel overwhelmed. So I can't be a good person. And a good mum.

I am starting to wonder whether I hadn't better let everything covered up. And continued my life. As my family did.

Suppressing trauma traumatized me, because I found myself repeating the same things over and over. Digging up trauma re-traumatized me as well. Because I just focus on all the painful stuff. 

Is there a better way forward?
#13
Recovery Journals / Re: Recovery journal Marianne
March 20, 2024, 09:12:21 PM
Thanks.

I find both forgiveness and feeling forgiven harder than I thought (when I dissociated a lot it was easier...I just forgot :)). Maybe I'm scared people will abuse it again.

I love how you describe the up and down of forgiveness. I thought that was me. I'm like "oh yeah I've forgiven that". And then bam. Something bad happens. And all the anger...and selfdirected anger...flare up.

In flare ups I switch between "People treated me horribly" and "I'm such a horrible person".
#14
Recovery Journals / Re: Recovery journal Marianne
March 20, 2024, 07:31:03 PM
Thanks. That was insightful.

I think in my family, we all did wrong.

Me as well. I begged for forgiveness a billion times. And work hard on myself. But still feel guilty.

But there indeed...I don't think they see they too do wrong.

If I dare suggest my childhood had difficulties (say, csa)...they scream that it was bliss and there was no problem at all ever.

They then scream that they were unconditionally loving and helpful always.

And then scream I am evil for half an hour. And conclude that if I don't see how loving they are, I'm crazy.

There will be no sorry. I still want to forgive.

The difficulty is: it doesn't stop. I'd love to take my kid away from them and leave. And send a supersweet Christmas card every year. But I cannot. Legally I cannot.

I'm torn between wanting to scream at them that I want my child back. And wanting to beg them to please love me and my kid and cooperate.

Not sure.
 

 
#15
Recovery Journals / Re: Recovery journal Marianne
March 20, 2024, 04:59:39 PM
On a positive note: I did recovery stuff today.

I worked. I felt horrid. But I managed to work. Still. And care for others.

I spoke to my jobcoach.

I ate regular meals. I had only two coffees.

I walked in the sun.