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Hi.

It's been about a year since I last engaged with the forum, for a variety of reasons. Objective data would suggest that my mental health has gotten worse since then. I started reading some of my old posts, and after I got over the cringe factor of how open I used to be, I thought it might be helpful for me to revisit the forums. I keep trying to figure out why I am having difficulties disproportionate to my circumstances, and one answer I keep getting internally is that I already "figured it out" but refuse to accept the reasons. It's hard to say what the truth is. Certainly I cannot go back and retrieve a comprehensive, unbiased dataset for analysis. Another option is to trust in my feelings, which sometimes happens and sometimes doesn't.

As I recall, I somewhat intentionally stopped processing because I was going to be out of school, and the prospect of having no distractions was daunting. I have since begun a high calibre academic program, a positive step that will prepare me for a career aligned with my values, but also presents the opposite problem (i.e. little time for processing). I still find myself drawn to the process of sorting out my mind, and I know that this work is important for my wellbeing, career, and loved ones. Yet I seem unable to make meaningful progress, caught between remembering when I could admit to trauma and distancing myself from the word now.

I spend an appreciable amount of time engaged in coping strategies that I logically know to be unhelpful and yet continue to indulge. For example, I think to myself that I do not have good enough reasons to feel the way I do. Sometimes I can trick myself into not having the feelings I think I have. It usually catches up with me in the form of symptoms. These symptoms prompt me to attribute some fault to myself or my behaviour for bringing them on in the first place, which is a bit of a funny paradox if you think about it. How can it be my fault I "feel bad" if I deny feeling bad in the first place?

It's all rather silly and I keep thinking that if I could just figure out what's going on with me, I would be able to chart a path forward. And yet, I know that if that were the case, it would have happened by now. Instead I continue to sort of feed my symptoms as a way of proving to myself that I meet some arbitrary standard of experiencing unpleasantness, which is rather irresponsible of me and I should probably try seek out some other forms of validation 

Apologies for the vague description. Hard to validate that.

Another complicating factor is that I (and others) have increasingly suspected that I am on the spectrum, which would perhaps explain why I have difficulty rationalizing contradictory symptoms (ex. some forms of self-care come naturally to me whereas others are a challenge; having both self-compassionate and self-deprecating thoughts) and feel I must present both sides to avoid "lying". I also suspect neurodivergence could help explain why the events I recall as being "traumatic" lack a certain "wow" factor; I genuinely mean this as a statement of fact regarding my lower threshold for being affected and not as a negative comment on the neurodivergent community (you're all super valid).

I think my intention in posting is to cultivate some motivation to be on my own side again. Sometimes I wonder, if feelings don't impact functioning, how significant can they be? I know better, but I continue to choose not to talk about certain things (even though I have supportive people in my life) which allows me to continue getting away with not trying. I do have a therapist, though, which has been helpful.

I am aware it might sound like I'm fishing. Please don't feel pressured to respond or to respond in a certain way. Anyone who replies to me may have to deal with my inability to reciprocate.


All the best,
Ownside

Oh wow... Reading your replies, I felt a warmth come over me. I can't tell you how much I needed that. I'm really not alone after all 

The recovery letter I wrote my mom didn't get any replies for well over a month and I thought I had somehow offended the entire community / everyone saw that I didn't really have trauma / should take it down and pretend it never happened.  I've refrained from sharing my other letters because of how much that affected me.

That really sucks, CrackedIce. I'm sorry that happened to you. It continues to astound me how many people, who I read about and consider to have "real trauma" (ex. you), share thoughts so similar to my own (ex. thinking you don't "really" have trauma).

Thank you all 

How do I know if something is real?

Oh wow, this feels like something out of my own brain.

When I go on these thought spirals, I call it gaslighting. Because at least part of me knows how I feel. My body gives me muscle tension consistent with anxiety, or lethargy consistent with depression. It's the other parts -- the parts that say that I'm functioning well enough, that logically I don't have much to complain about, that other people go through worse -- that keep me going around in circles.

I think sometimes I numb out too, and then when I encounter a trigger I feel a   -  space  -  where my emotional reaction would normally be. Which is uncomfortable in its own way, but "doesn't feel that bad", and I end up doubting the times I reacted more strongly.

Bermuda, I believe I understood you say that you shouldn't mention your feelings if they are triggers because that makes them "not real". But I think those feelings matter just as much. If I were accidentally triggering somebody, I would want to know so I could approach them differently, even if my approach wasn't necessarily "wrong" before. (That said, I still don't tell people when they trigger me. It's easier to rationalize than to put into practice.)

Anyway, thank you for posting about this because it is very very relevant to what I have been struggling with lately. I am just realizing how important trauma-informed environments (including this one) are in helping me hold onto myself. I wish you both the best in finding your way to a place of self-belief 

Okay. I will acknowledge that I took a two and half week hiatus there and explain why I might continue to abstain from the journal, at least for the near future.

Please understand, there's no blame to give. No-one's done anything wrong. This is my own issue, with myself, that I'm working on. And I'm trying not to judge myself too much for it, at least on here, in case someone relates.

I have a hard time not receiving feedback on posts.

It takes me to a place of, oh, I'm not doing enough. I need to write a better post. I need to better support others, so that they, in turn, will want to reciprocate. I look back on the journal and I can see that I have received plenty of support. Logically, I see that and appreciate it. Every piece of compassion counts. But emotionally a lot of it just doesn't sink in and I don't know why. Then, when I try to give support, I'm reminded of how my efforts haven't stopped my mom's downward slide, and the spiral continues.

So I think I will stick with the topics of discussion for now. I find that easier as the subject is more about the topic than any one person. I've also been writing plenty in my private journal, so I have an outlet.

Thank you for understanding.

----------------------------------------------------
PS:
Upon reflection, I don't think my mom is covert N -- I resonated with some of the victim behaviours and teasing jokes -- but overall it doesn't seem to fit. There's been too much love to fake. The behaviours still matter, but I'd rather not use the label.

Today I discovered the basil in my window has flowers. In February! And I live in fairly northern climate.

Perhaps it's trying to tell me it's possible to bloom in the unlikeliest of conditions 

(Attached pictures)

Wow, you have been doing a ton of research and self-reflection. Cheering you on (if this is a good pace for you) and encouraging self-care (if this is feeling like a lot). 

Thank you San. I am always up for hugs. 

Sometimes when an opportunity comes along where it would be beneficial to me to share something, or ask for help, or do something else healing, I ask myself, "What would my sister do?" Because even though she is still a toddler, she is such a strong force of self-advocacy. She voices her feelings loudly and repeatedly. She goes after what she wants regardless of what anyone says. And when I imagine her as an adult, I see someone who's kept that confidence and agency. Someone who had an emotionally healthy role model to grow up with. I think that role model has to be me.

So in the spirit of my sister, I'm pushing through a great deal of internal resistance to share a little bit of my feelings after watching some of the videos Dolly recommended on parental narcissism. I just watched them, so it's all rather fresh. I don't want to jump to conclusions. But I am thinking that growing up with a single parent covert narcissist could potentially explain a lot of what I go through and have gone through.

These are the videos I watched:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UU7U7srYz6U
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z1JVHyTBAbw

Blueberry you are an inspiration. Thank you for posting 

Thanks rainy and dolly.

I think I have a tendency to lose myself in empathy. It's an area where I have control. I can't save my mom from her burnout, or my sister from the perils of toddler development, or even my cat from his trauma triggers. But I can care, and I can offer my services, and I can shut down the parts of me that get annoyed or resentful or dubious. How can I snap at somebody when being snapped at gives me anxiety attacks? How can I act like it's a burden to be needed when I remember feeling like a burden for needing things? How can I doubt someone's feelings when I know how it feels to be invalidated?

I end up trying to be this paragon of patience and understanding but it's exhausting. It's like this switch keeps getting flipped and I have to push it back to off right away before I can even finish the thought I was having. I have tried letting myself at least have the thought without judging myself for it and that felt alright. I might work on that.

It's strange because as far as I know this is all a recent development (responding to the increased demands of having a toddler in house), but at the same time I know how to flip the switch. It often feels like the easier option -- all I have to do is feel differently and then I can do everything that's required. Like a transferable skill. I have some ideas of where it might have been transferred from but I'll save that for later.

That's been my week! I'll be on healing porch if anyone wants to drop by.

Hi. I'm here.

I'm curled up on one of those camping couches watching the fire. Eyes drifting open and closed. The heat, the movement, and the sound makes the fire seem alive, like a comforting figure watching over me.

It's nice to be alone for my first time. But if anyone wants to join, I could just as easily fall asleep to some friendly chatter.

That sounds like a commendable effort of reaching out. I feel sad for you that it's turned out to be such a disappointment.

Do you have any activities that help you feel strong? For me it can be things like getting moving, putting on music, getting chores done, or researching something interesting. Getting started is often a battle but I'm learning to notice how my body will acquiesce to relief when I really need it to, and trust that that will happen.

I bring this up because it sounds like you could use some strength, Maybe you know some things that could help that along, when the time is right.

Welcome FrozeFire! That's relatable.

Hi all,

I feel more valid knowing others relate to the cycling and searching. I suspected that might happen and that's part of why I wrote about it.

M&H, it sounds like you're having a really rough time right now. I hope things get better for you.

Armee and CrackedIce, thank you for the veteran advice. I've got hope. I'm only a few months away from probably being able to move out on my own where I think I'll be triggered a lot less often. In the meantime I've found journalling, songwriting, and exercising to be helpful.

Thanks for the resources dollyvee, I'll have to look into those later (at the moment I feel like my mom is the opposite of a narcissist but I have more to learn about the concept).

I'm bracing myself for a difficult week. My (two-year-old) sister's dad is out of town for work so it will be just my mom and I, co-parenting. Although I'm not expected to act in that capacity, it's pretty clear she's been physically and emotionally unwell for years and so I do what I can. Wish me luck 

@Joon I didn't want to leave you hanging so I will let you know I might not actually be ready to discuss this quite yet. I can't seem to post what I write. I'll let you know when that changes.

Best of luck in your processing 

I remember being told that "oh, your grandmother just loves you a lot" which doubled down on not being heard and gaslighting her "abuse" (still a hard thing to say). Sometimes people lack the understanding about the subtleties of abuse. It doesn't always have to be a big "thing" that happened. So, if you weren't beaten etc how can you be so affected? 

Is there somewhere on the forum where you discuss this further? I have been asking myself the same thing and would like to learn more about "the subtleties".