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Messages - sanmagic7

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Recovery Journals / Re: Snowdrop's journal
« on: Today at 02:36:26 PM »
it makes total sense to me, and sounds great!  your mind is making shifts, your perspectives are changing, and with that, to my mind, your reality can change.  love and hugs, snowdrop!

Recovery Journals / Re: stuck stuck stuck
« on: Today at 02:32:40 PM »
thanks so much, notalone, for the support.  i didn't think about the idea of this stuff being too much all at once till i read what you said, then re-read what i wrote.  i was just getting it back together, had a couple days w/o meds, which felt good, and now i'm battling again to keep my head on straight.i'm really sick of relationships right now, except w/ my d.  and people here whom i've never met.  you all are saving my life and my sanity.

looks like i'll be doing another funeral this week.  i need to cry this out, but the tears just won't break thru.  they're on the edge of my eyelids, but won't spill out.  i feel like i'm stuck in between here and somewhere, reaching but not being able to grab onto what i need.  having my t gone is not helping right now.

hey, pf,

i was raised in the 50's in the u.s., when most all men had short hair - it was the 'norm', except for a few eccentrics, if you want to put that label out there.  i'm talking about einstein, franklin, da vinci, linnaeus, et. al., some of the greatest scientists in the world.  however history shows men having long hair for ages, including some of the most 'manliest' (and i'm not trying to be gender insensitive at all) such as the vikings and indigenous warriors.

when the 60's came around, the beatles came on the scene, and many men began growing their hair longer.  being called 'girls' by people was so rampant as to be absurd.  yet, that's where i noticed our culture started on all this kind of mocking of guys w/ hair longer than a buzz cut.  after the beatles,  music groups of all kinds had shoulder-length hair and longer.  many men had hair that women wished they could have had,  (i think of young eddie van halen personally) but it took nothing away from their masculinity, virility, nor just plain manliness.

i'm very sorry you got bullied and shamed for wearing your hair as you choose - to me, that's absolutely ridiculous!  those people have nothing better in their lives than to mock someone's hairstyle?  personally, i loved longer hair on guys when it first started, still do to this day.  maybe you can look up some images of men thru history who had long hair and were regarded with respect.   i think long hair on men is wonderful - my only caveat is that it is clean.  i hope to let you know that you have one avid fan here of your long hair.  love and hugs to you! :hug:

o, thank you notalone!  i sincerely hope you find it helpful.  please let me know either way, ok?  and, if you have any questions, feel free to pm me.

love and hugs, sweetie!  :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: stuck stuck stuck
« on: January 17, 2020, 08:15:06 PM »
got an email from my hub yesterday, all about deflecting, that i didn't listen to him or hear what he was saying.  i got so mad, i couldn't even believe it! :pissed:

my entire body began vibrating, i was so upset.  i wrote back telling him exactly what he'd said on the phone, that i'd both listened and heard what he'd said, then again reiterated what the whole thing meant to me about our relationship, that he was will to try something to fix his 'problem' after i'd left, but while i was there and we'd discussed it several times, he'd refused over and over.

i told him that it speaks a lot to what he thought of me and our relationship, that he hadn't read what i'd said, hadn't listened, and i repeated that another thing he hadn't heard was that i didn't want to speak to him for a while - it was too triggering as to other hubs and their behaviors, and that i was a wreck once more getting this email from him.  i'd even told him in my first email that the time for apologies was over, long gone, and in this second email he apologized twice!  talk about the pot calling the kettle black!

so, he wrote me again, said he'd wait till i wanted to talk to him.  better, but still stirred up all the old junk again.  and, next week is the 5th anniversary of my going nc w/ my d#1 and my daughters' father, and that always makes me nuts.  plus, my t is out cuz of surgery, she won't be back till march, and altho they set up 2 interim appts. for me, they won't be till feb. and all this crapola is going down before then!  they did say that they were going to try to find someone who'd give me a phone session next week - keeping my fingers crossed for that, cuz the timing is necessary. 

so, still on meds just to stay sane thru all this. 

Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.
« on: January 17, 2020, 08:06:04 PM »
me, too - i'm relieved for you, hope.  love and hugs :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Taking those concrete beneficial steps
« on: January 17, 2020, 07:04:43 PM »
well done, blueberry! :thumbup:

and, happy, happy birthday!   :party: :cake:  what a gift you're giving yourself, by standing up to bossy people and doing your party your way!   :cheer:

i've found that, at times, too, that doing something physical can help me thru some rocky times.  laundry and dishes often do the trick for me.

enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!   :fireworks:   have a great time!  love and hugs :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Snowdrop's journal
« on: January 17, 2020, 06:55:51 PM »
i agree w/ you, sd - those are very powerful images!  it really does sound like your mind has made a shift which is allowing you to envision self-empowerment and strength.  well done! :thumbup:  looks like your hard work is coming to fruition.

when i've had dreams of empowerment like that, i was able to wake up with at least a slightly different perspective of myself, and a feeling of strength that i hadn't felt before.  did you, yourself feel better, stronger, more powerful?  like, you could take those attributes into the world of reality and utilize them for yourself?  i hope so - hope it's translating from a dream world to the world of reality.

i'm very excited for you, sweetie.  honestly, i think it's wonderful, and so are you!  i know this stuff can be hard work at times, but dang, things like this seem to show that it pays off and is worth it.  sending love and a hug filled w/ power and strength :hug:

And, thank you, Kizzie.

Even writing this book has been loaded with traumatic issues surrounding it. Past relationships have interfered, hobbled me, and denied that this was even worth writing, and certainly that it would never succeed. I've struggled for nearly 25 years to get this book in print because of the abuse that encompassed me. Honestly, the support that I've received here was what kept me going and helped me believe in myself when others didn't. If not for this forum, I don't know if this book would have happened.

The whole idea of food/eating/body image issues have dogged me for years, since I was in my early 20's.  I went to OA, read books about the non-diet approach, attended therapy groups - they all helped to a certain extent, but I never quite got answers as to "why" I continued to eat, crave, starve, hate my body, failed time and time again with diets, and ultimately  continued to feel confused and unsatisfied.  It was when I became a therapist that I decided to create my own 6-week group program to address these issues and also to give people the tools needed to make the changes they wanted.

At the time of creation, C-PTSD was unknown and my connection to trauma was unrealized.  For some reason, however, while looking for answers, I managed to include many issues driving us to unhealthy food-related problems that are direct results of trauma and relationships, including inner child work that was mostly relegated to the New Age world at the time.  I now know that it's a big part of what we battle time and time again when dealing with eating or not eating - those messages we've been given since we were infants.

It became a dream of mine to write this program into book form so that anyone who wanted this kind of information would find it available.  Finally, this past year, I was able to realize that dream, thanks in large part to the wonderful people here who have supported me.  This program holds true to individuality, self-focus, and listening to your own body's messages giving people a way to learn, practice (through interactive exercises), and ultimately change perspectives and perceptions which lead to changes in behavior.

Thank you again, Kizzie, for including my book here on this forum.  Your willingness toward that end has given me tremendous validation. :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.
« on: January 16, 2020, 11:36:58 PM »
back atcha, hope - you're appreciated, too. :yes:

love and hugs, sweetie. :hug:

Eating Issues / Re: Binge Eating Disorder
« on: January 16, 2020, 11:34:41 PM »
hey, bluepalm,

appalling is a great word for this stuff.  the idea of accepting ourselves is so foreign cuz we've never known what that is, what it means, how it feels. 

shame of being alive - how much worse does it get?  so, yeah, denying oneself food makes perfect sense in that perspective - i'm not worth being here so i'll do what i can to disappear. :disappear:

we've also been taught to ignore the messages our bodies give us as to their needs, the importance of those messages, and deny those messages when they don't conform to what we've been taught.  our very natural messages from when we were born - eat when you're hungry, eat what your body is hungry for, stop eating when you're full - have been drowned out by the messages about ourselves that have been piled on us by people in authority over us who didn't have our best interests at heart.

so, from little on, when we didn't have power, resources, or even life experience to draw on, we had no way to fight those messages, and eventually adopted them as our own.  something that's helped me is writing down some of those messages, all that i can remember, and tearing them up and tossing them out.  what's important here is to replace those old messages with new ones that are personal and individual, natural and focused on your body's needs.  start repeating the new ones every day so that hopefully they'll be able to keep the old ones at bay.  this has helped me a lot as to accepting my body as is and not attaching neg. labels to myself if i don't do it perfectly.  (and, i don't do it perfectly, but then, i'm not perfect, but a messy human, wounded and damaged.  that deserves compassion, not punishment).

i really am sorry for your struggle.  i hope some of this helps.  i believe you are worth the space you take up, no matter how much it is, by the mere fact  that you shared a part of yourself so that other people can relate, know they're not alone, and get some inspiration from the fact that you are continuing on w/ your struggle.  we can all use that, so thank you very much for sharing this.  sending love and a hug filled w/ encouragement. :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: stuck stuck stuck
« on: January 16, 2020, 06:35:48 PM »
thank you, hope - that big hug was wonderful.  it felt like you were gathering me in, and that's something that brings a smile to my heart and tears to my eyes.  that kindness and caring. :hug:

notalone, fire away.  when he told me that, i didn't register everything it could mean.  when i told me d, she said 'well, that was insensitive of him' (she knows the history).  it was her perceptiveness of things, like what would be a proper emotional response, that helped me get into it on all these levels.  w/o her feedback, just that one simple sentence, i would've just absorbed it like i have everything else without even realizing what it meant to me.

so, yes, please, tell me what you think.  my alexithymia gets in my way on these things, which is a lot of the reason for my addictions and physical frailties i'm recovering from.  all the help i can get, i totally appreciate it.  thanks for your anger for me.  i felt a bit of it last nite, almost squeezed out some tears, but am basically just roiled up inside.  thank you for your caring about me. :hug:

this is huge for me.  he's been my last male resource, the one place i could return to if something happened to my d.  i'm a mess today, and t has cancelled and you all are a big part of my strength.

Recovery Journals / Re: stuck stuck stuck
« on: January 16, 2020, 10:03:31 AM »
i swear, this crap just keeps coming.  whack a mole indeed!  and my t cancelled tomorrow cuz she had surgery, and they're going to try to get me in next week with someone but no guarantees.  that's not so bad in itself - i've been feeling a bit better, but i talked to my mex. hub today and he told me about going out and getting viagra to have sex w/ someone.  it didn't work - too bad, so sad (loads of sarcasm).

ok, we're not together, all that, but he denied relations w// me for years after he had hip surgery.  i asked, pleaded, told him to talk to a doc, a therapist that he was ok to hoochie coo, but he continually refused.  for years!  we even talked about viagra (altho i'm sure he just freaked after his surgery, convinced that his new hip would pop out even after being told that at the most his healing would take a year) and he refused that, too, being too afraid.  another coward of a man!

honestly, this is 3 out of 3 hubs who have done this to me for various reasons - each one different, but i was refused time and time again.  i'm up in the middle of the night again over this, so mad, so hurt, so sick of these men.  i want to cry about it, but the tears won't come.  so, not only did this hurt me, but it triggered all the other crapola from my other 2 marriages.  and people wonder why i was so slutty between marriages - i was attempting to reaffirm my desirability, my need for touch, just wanting to be wanted!

 :pissed: :pissed: :pissed: :stars: :disappear:  i can barely stand to be me anymore, just continuing to get hit after hit, thinking i've got one thing sort of in place, and another one smacks me w/o a clue that it's coming!  i wrote him an email, told him how i felt, hurt, angry, and that i don't want to talk to him for a while.  we've been keeping in touch every week, he's otherwise been supportive and has gone thru a lot of this stuff with me, both physically and emotionally, but this one takes the cake.  i can't stand it!!!! :fallingbricks:

in mex., i had red sore throats many, many times - they were often diagnosed by the doc as strep throat, which is the same organism as for scarlet fever - and parts of my body, including my face would be burning up.  he'd take my temp and tell me it was normal, then give me antibiotics.  in my 30's and 40's, i'd go to the doc in the states (different docs at different times) about feeling so very tired all the time, flu-sy, but they never found anything 'wrong', nothing they could diagnostically treat, i guess.  it was horrible and i felt so defeated every time. 

i'm glad your gp doesn't do the same to you.  i now recognize that this is how my body reacts to too much stress, no matter if it's physical, mental, emotional - doesn't matter.  i tolerated stressful situations and behaviors for so long, i think my system now has an extremely low tolerance for it. 

i'm really sorry you go thru something similar, blueberry, but i can tell you it is very real, debilitating, and can suck the vitality from your spirit.  definitely c-ptsd related.  there's nothing 'normal' about this kind of physical reaction, to my mind.  love and hugs :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Snowdrop's journal
« on: January 15, 2020, 10:08:41 PM »
 :cheer: :applause: :hug:

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