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Messages - sanmagic7

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1
Recovery Journals / Re: #8 - starting over
« on: August 11, 2020, 01:54:34 PM »
breakdown - out of commission

2
Recovery Journals / Re: #8 - starting over
« on: August 07, 2020, 06:30:58 PM »
love the hugs, blueberry - thanks ever so.  they were just right.  i think a shot of EMS would be wonderful right now.

looks like i'm gonna be calling a shrink, probably mon.  i can't do this w/o help.  i explained my meds history to my t, xanax has been the only one that has helped me consistently, but the last med prescriber put me on an anti-dep instead, which took my legs out in 3 days.  my t assures me this other shrink, one in private practice, will be cool, had no warnings about her.

she thinks trying some nightmare med would be helpful for me as well.  maybe it'll help me w/ my sleep, too.  my t was shocked that i'd been on anti-psychotics at one time for having hallucinations.  i don't think she realized what a mess i've truly been.  near the edge of my sanity?  o yeah.  it's why i'm so afraid of losing that part of me, even more than my life.  sanity is life to me.  so, i'm gonna rest for the weekend, make the call on mon.  i just didn't feel like talking to a stranger today - no energy.

much love to you all :grouphug:  i'm outta here - again - for at least a few days.

3
Recovery Journals / Re: #8 - starting over
« on: August 07, 2020, 01:53:41 PM »
marta, so sweet of you to stop by - love the well wishes and hug.  thanks! :hug:

hope, as always, great to hear from you.  i appreciate the support and hug.  thanks :hug:

well, down in the hole again.  i've got therapy this morning, so hopefully that'll help.  i got the final papers for the house yesterday, scanned them slightly, i'm erased from that whole thing now - just his name on the papers, and i was thinking 'ah, closure at last!'.  put them all out in the garage, cuz i don't want that toxic mess in the house.  took a shower to wash the closure crud off, said good-bye to my ex (among a few other choice words), and i suddenly found myself in the midst of a full-blown panic attack!

never had one before - i've had anxiety attacks, but this was completely different.  my heart began pounding as if i'd run a mile uphill, couldn't finish dressing, had to go to my room and sit down.  what a horrible experience!  i thought i'd feel better, lighter, cleaner after getting this house thing and my ex finally out of my life, but this happened instead.  any guesses? 

my hub is finished w/ his treatment today, says he's feeling better.  i've been reading to him every nite, a couple chapters, and he's been loving that.  i mentioned that i'd finish the book with him, then after he is back to work, we can go back to a couple times a week.  he began pushing for continuing this every nite.  i hemmed and hawed, tho - i can't keep this up.  the stress of 'having' to do something every nite at a certain time is way too stressful.  so, i'll stick to my boundary on this, but i'm gonna have to fight for it - more energy expended.

i'm feeling so depleted.  will this never end? 

4
Recovery Journals / Re: #8 - starting over
« on: August 06, 2020, 08:36:13 PM »
thanks for the validation, snowdrop.  much appreciated, and a good check for myself to see if i'm seeing things as they actually are. :hug:

well, cautiously hopeful for my hub.  he finished his 2 weeks of treatment, the doc told him he made it thru, that a lot of people don't.  he's got an appt. w/ her on mon., and he wants to get tested to see if he's clear of the virus now or what.  he also was able to admit that he's scared to go out there again, but he's got to get back to work as soon as he can.  it's tough when you don't have money.  we'll see what happens after he gets tested again.  fingers crossed and prayers flying!

5
Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's journey
« on: August 06, 2020, 08:31:58 PM »
 :hug:

6
Recovery Journals / Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« on: August 06, 2020, 05:45:17 PM »
it IS a ton of work.  i've just had to remind myself how much energy that processing takes out of me, even when it seems to go smoothly.  i did 2 emdr rounds in 4 days, and, like you say, altho i know it winds up better in the end, it's still something to get thru, both time and energy wise.

love and hugs to you, sweetie.  you're pullin' a heavy load right now!   :hug: :hug: :hug:

7
Recovery Journals / Re: #8 - starting over
« on: August 06, 2020, 05:42:12 PM »
bach and tee - i get so much strength from your thoughts and well wishes.  thank you so.   :hug:   :hug:

better today.  sometimes i forget how much therapy processing can take out of me.  i can get pretty tired from it, and even tho it seems like the processing itself went quite easily and smoothly, it's still taking a lot of energy from my brain to actually do it.  so, that's stressful in itself.  w/ my hub's condition on top of it, i have to remind myself that i'm carrying a lot.




8
Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's journey
« on: August 06, 2020, 05:37:01 PM »
dear sweet sceal, if i may disagree with you, i don't think you 'should' be able to do anything like that.  you've been hit hard from many sides in the past few months, and i believe you may still be grieving.  there is no 'should' to how we can expect ourselves to react or respond.  whatever comes up, that's just how we are at the moment.  you'll get there, i don't doubt that, to where you want to be.  it just might take more time than you anticipated.

in the meantime, i'm here, we're here, we've got you.  i hope you can get all the rest you need.  love and hugs :hug:

9
Recovery Journals / Re: Owl's journal
« on: August 05, 2020, 10:00:30 PM »
 :hug:

10
Recovery Journals / Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« on: August 05, 2020, 09:58:51 PM »
 :hug:

11
Recovery Journals / Re: #8 - starting over
« on: August 05, 2020, 12:56:42 PM »
thanks, tee.  so appreciate your support for me.   :hug:

feeling sick today, so won't be doing much.  just gotta ride all this out.  too much stress.  dang, will it never end? :stars:

12
Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's journey
« on: August 04, 2020, 09:57:09 PM »
 :bighug:

13
Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's journey
« on: August 04, 2020, 05:05:25 PM »
ya know, facing your reality can be exhausting, for sure.  i think you did really well writing all that down.

i'm glad you're taking naps because they're what feel like you need.  always remember, this, too, shall pass.  i think if you just go with it for now, things will become clearer for you sooner.  sending love and a hug filled with acceptance. :hug:

14
Recovery Journals / Re: Buddy9832ís Journal
« on: August 04, 2020, 05:02:37 PM »
hey, buddy,

ugh that you were being hunted in your dream.  any kind of flashback to that?  i know that death can mean renewal, rather than something negative.

that medical stuff is horrible.  i hope you don't put too much guilt on yourself.  i've battled w/ that a bit w/ my hub, now that he's sick and i'm not there anymore.  still, we do the best we can at the time.  family stuff is always wrapped up w/ extra pressures, for sure.

keep taking care of you - you can be your best friend.  love and hugs :hug:

15
Recovery Journals / Re: Allie's Archives: a recovery journal
« on: August 04, 2020, 04:04:56 AM »
best with this, allie.  i've been dealing w/ my hub in mex. while he's been recovering from covid.  so far, he's hangin' on.  i hope your H does not get it.  fingers crossed, prayers flying!  love and hugs to you and your family, my dear. :hug:

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