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Recovery Journals / Re: stuck stuck stuck
« on: Today at 02:59:39 PM »
notalone, i love those fireworks! they always bring a smile to my heart! thank you for all your support.
allie, it was so good to see you here. thank you so much for the hugs - i love them.
yesterday was the first day i felt sane, and was able to take advantage of it. i went w/ my d to meet some author friends of hers, showed them my book, and read an excerpt from another one i'd written years ago. my d had known about it, but had never read any of it. i read about 2 paragraphs, and got so emotional, my d asked if she could read for me (the intent is to get feedback from the others - i'd never gotten critical feedback from other authors before).
their response amazed me. i mean, i always thought it was good (the first 3 mos. that my hub and i spent together when i first went to mex., how our relationship changed from just friends to wedding plans), but i did not expect that others would. especially my d. so much so that it's now a work in progress to hopefully also be published, maybe next year. wouldn't that be amazing! it's hard to fathom that this is actually possibly maybe going to happen? dream come true!
i realized how much i've been seeking validation from her. i've had this feeling inside that my d's just thought of me as the bad guy in our family, someone who ran that ship, took no prisoners, and i don't know - was kind of a flake, otherwise, and to be dismissed as much as possible. they really didn't want to be involved in my life, there was no back and forth exchange and enjoyment of information. maybe it was just me cuz i was struggling so hard to keep our family safe and sane, get my education and get a job that would help w/ finances (which always seemed to be very slightly enough for the basics and a vacation or two on the cheap)
maybe it comes from the fact that while my ex looked like he was so wonderful, i was being undermined around every corner while d #1 blatantly tortured me emotionally on a consistent basis. i was something to abuse (wow - this is coming out of nowhere, but it feels right) rather than to enjoy. my brow is furrowed now with that assessment.
anyway, through these books, now, i'm feeling validated for being a creative human being rather than simply an old, sick mom who's left her family, quit her job, and ran away from home to another country where all anyone thought of was lying on the beach, getting a tan, having the time of my life while they all struggled back in the real world. ok, breathing hard on that one. why has this been so important to me? maybe cuz it's the first time i can remember getting it from someone who wasn't dragging me down at the same time.
this is weird stuff. therapy tomorrow. we'll see where that goes. so, i'm on a third career, it seems - author. this is a long-standing dream come true. it's overwhelming in so many ways. my book hit the amazon best-seller list already. and now i have another one to look forward to finishing, polishing, sending out to fly on its own, out of my heart and into reality. wowser!
allie, it was so good to see you here. thank you so much for the hugs - i love them.
yesterday was the first day i felt sane, and was able to take advantage of it. i went w/ my d to meet some author friends of hers, showed them my book, and read an excerpt from another one i'd written years ago. my d had known about it, but had never read any of it. i read about 2 paragraphs, and got so emotional, my d asked if she could read for me (the intent is to get feedback from the others - i'd never gotten critical feedback from other authors before).
their response amazed me. i mean, i always thought it was good (the first 3 mos. that my hub and i spent together when i first went to mex., how our relationship changed from just friends to wedding plans), but i did not expect that others would. especially my d. so much so that it's now a work in progress to hopefully also be published, maybe next year. wouldn't that be amazing! it's hard to fathom that this is actually possibly maybe going to happen? dream come true!
i realized how much i've been seeking validation from her. i've had this feeling inside that my d's just thought of me as the bad guy in our family, someone who ran that ship, took no prisoners, and i don't know - was kind of a flake, otherwise, and to be dismissed as much as possible. they really didn't want to be involved in my life, there was no back and forth exchange and enjoyment of information. maybe it was just me cuz i was struggling so hard to keep our family safe and sane, get my education and get a job that would help w/ finances (which always seemed to be very slightly enough for the basics and a vacation or two on the cheap)
maybe it comes from the fact that while my ex looked like he was so wonderful, i was being undermined around every corner while d #1 blatantly tortured me emotionally on a consistent basis. i was something to abuse (wow - this is coming out of nowhere, but it feels right) rather than to enjoy. my brow is furrowed now with that assessment.
anyway, through these books, now, i'm feeling validated for being a creative human being rather than simply an old, sick mom who's left her family, quit her job, and ran away from home to another country where all anyone thought of was lying on the beach, getting a tan, having the time of my life while they all struggled back in the real world. ok, breathing hard on that one. why has this been so important to me? maybe cuz it's the first time i can remember getting it from someone who wasn't dragging me down at the same time.
this is weird stuff. therapy tomorrow. we'll see where that goes. so, i'm on a third career, it seems - author. this is a long-standing dream come true. it's overwhelming in so many ways. my book hit the amazon best-seller list already. and now i have another one to look forward to finishing, polishing, sending out to fly on its own, out of my heart and into reality. wowser!