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Recovery Journals / Re: stuck stuck stuck

« on: Today at 02:59:39 PM »

notalone, i love those fireworks!  they always bring a smile to my heart!    thank you for all your support.

allie, it was so good to see you here.  thank you so much for the hugs - i love them.

yesterday was the first day i felt sane, and was able to take advantage of it.  i went w/ my d to meet some author friends of hers, showed them my book, and read an excerpt from another one i'd written years ago.  my d had known about it, but had never read any of it.  i read about 2 paragraphs, and got so emotional, my d asked if she could read for me (the intent is to get feedback from the others - i'd never gotten critical feedback from other authors before).

their response amazed me.  i mean, i always thought it was good (the first 3 mos. that my hub and i spent together when i first went to mex., how our relationship changed from just friends to wedding plans), but i did not expect that others would.  especially my d.  so much so that it's now a work in progress to hopefully also be published, maybe next year.  wouldn't that be amazing!  it's hard to fathom that this is actually possibly maybe going to happen?  dream come true! 

i realized how much i've been seeking validation from her.  i've had this feeling inside that my d's just thought of me as the bad guy in our family, someone who ran that ship, took no prisoners, and i don't know - was kind of a flake, otherwise, and to be dismissed as much as possible.  they really didn't want to be involved in my life, there was no back and forth exchange and enjoyment of information.  maybe it was just me cuz i was struggling so hard to keep our family safe and sane, get my education and get a job that would help w/ finances (which always seemed to be very slightly enough for the basics and a vacation or two on the cheap) 

maybe it comes from the fact that while my ex looked like he was so wonderful, i was being undermined around every corner while d  #1 blatantly tortured me emotionally on a consistent basis.  i was something to abuse (wow - this is coming out of nowhere, but it feels right) rather than to enjoy.  my brow is furrowed now with that assessment. 

anyway, through these books, now, i'm feeling validated for being a creative human being rather than simply an old, sick mom who's left her family, quit her job, and ran away from home to another country where all anyone thought of was lying on the beach, getting a tan, having the time of my life while they all struggled back in the real world.  ok, breathing hard on that one.  why has this been so important to me?  maybe cuz it's the first time i can remember getting it from someone who wasn't dragging me down at the same time. 

this is weird stuff.  therapy tomorrow.  we'll see where that goes.  so, i'm on a third career, it seems - author.  this is a long-standing dream come true.  it's overwhelming in so many ways.  my book hit the amazon best-seller list already.  and now i have another one to look forward to finishing, polishing, sending out to fly on its own, out of my heart and into reality.  wowser!

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Recovery Journals / Re: Elpha's Adventure pt. 4

« on: Today at 02:31:09 PM »

o my dear el, that's such great news!  good luck w/ your new t, and enjoy your research position - it sounds fantastic!

i'm so proud of you for all the work you've done, the effort you've put into it, the determination and perseverance to get thru some mighty rough times.  well done, you!    i can't fully express how happy i am for you - you're amazing!

love and hugs filled w/ learning!

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Successes, Progress? / Re: Diagnosis change

« on: Today at 03:50:08 AM »

how fabulous!  you've done such tremendous work since you've joined the forum, you deserve to see such positive results.  i can see, tho, where it could also be a bit unsettling - like you said, having had that definition for your issues and symptoms for so long, i can imagine it might seem strange and take a little time getting used to the idea.  well done!   i hope everyone here can eventually reach this goal!  love and hugs, el

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Recovery Journals / Re: Stutter - Deep Blue

« on: December 07, 2019, 05:45:29 PM »

well done for drawing those pics - putting images on paper, like notalone said, can bring up a lot of feelings that just talking or writing about doesn't.  seeing an image is much more difficult to deny or distract from. 

mean and needy?  well, we are very needy at times, and i don't think there's anything 'wrong' about that, nothing that warrants an apology. (my opinion only)  we're talking c-ptsd here, the mother of all beasts.  our needs are great, and especially during times of stress, greater than usual.  i think neediness comes with the territory. 

do you think your heart hurts at the idea that fear was underlying your perception of being mean?  i also think that sometimes definitions of self-care or holding boundaries has been defined for us in neg. terms.  for ex., when we want something for ourselves, we're often labeled selfish.  or, when we take a break from life's struggles, we're labeled lazy.  maybe you really were mean, as in nasty, or maybe you were defending yourself from something that frightened you.  it sounds like your t knows the difference.

you're working hard at this stuff, and i hope you're able to give yourself credit for that.  i do.  sending love and a hug filled w/ clarity.

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Recovery Journals / Re: stuck stuck stuck

« on: December 07, 2019, 03:35:35 PM »

blueberry, thanks for those hugs.  they felt like you were just gathering me in, which i find extremely comforting.   

thank you notalone for all that validation.  i'm being as good to myself as possible, but when i'm in crisis like this, it makes it difficult at times.  and, yeah, it totally stinks.

talked to my t yesterday, & she was able to get me an extra appt. so i don't have to wait 2 wks. between appts., like i did this time.  that was a relief.  she also reassured me, when i told her that things like meditation, yoga, those relaxation exercises don't work for me, that such was common for c-ptsd clients.  that was also a relief, to hear her say that, like i'm in the right place - finally!  it took a load off my mind knowing that it wasn't just me who doesn't tolerate what might seem simple or easy for others. 

through all this, i received actual copies of my book in the mail - it's thrilling!  my d already sold one to our neighbor, who wants to take it to some groups he's involved with.  when she told me, i burst into tears, and she was right there with an embrace.  those tears were mixed w/ the backlash triggers from my ex and the therapeutic community who have seen me as a flake and with way out ideas.  i'm hoping that soon those will be tears of unmitigated joy about this accomplishment, but right now they're still tainted w/ this old crapola.

that's all i got for now.  thanks for being w/ me.
anyway, back to resting.  thank you all for your support. 

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Recovery Journals / Re: stuck stuck stuck

« on: December 06, 2019, 02:33:34 PM »

hey, hope and snowdrop - thanks for the well wishes and hugs.

unfortunately, feeling good didn't last very long.  the stress of roiling everything back up hit me hard, again, 3 days later, and i've been down w/ the 'stress flu' for several days, legs gone again, simply feeling miserable.  feeling very frustrated and down - this is no way to be living at this stage of my life.  or at any stage, tbt.  more nightmares, bad sleep, just feeling crummy, like i'm sick but it's nothing contagious.  stress, always stress.  too much of it, still.  ugh!

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Recovery Journals / Re: Stutter - Deep Blue

« on: December 02, 2019, 04:44:39 AM »

i'm deeply sorry for your struggle, db.  i know it all too well.  lonely and needy - i know those feelings, too.  we're so strong and independent in our jobs, yet, can't always feel that for ourselves.  i get it. 

sending love and a hug filled w/ angel wings to wrap you up, comfort you, and let you know you're not alone, that you are loved and cared about.  in any way we can, we're here for you.

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Recovery Journals / Re: Taking those concrete beneficial steps

« on: December 01, 2019, 02:53:36 PM »

good for you, blueberry.  lying in feels very special to me, too.  sounds like you're making loads of progress.  well done!   love and hugs.

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Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.

« on: December 01, 2019, 02:51:02 PM »

welcome back, hope.  missed you.  glad you're feeling good about your break.  excellent!  love and hugs, sweetie.

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Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's third journal

« on: November 30, 2019, 11:04:51 PM »

  and much love, sceal.  we're here for you, too!

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Recovery Journals / Re: Snowdrop's journal

« on: November 30, 2019, 04:13:57 PM »

ok, got it.  makes total sense.  glad you're able to see that, know what it is and what needs to be done.     love and hugs, snowdrop.

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Recovery Journals / Re: Making a Change

« on: November 30, 2019, 12:14:48 AM »

i second that - not selfish.  never selfish to take care of yourself however it presents and makes sense to you.  c-ptsd has no limits that i know of in showing up and frustrating us in our lives. 

i also don't think it's crazy, your wanting to feel and give love/affection.  when my appt. w/ my t was finished, i asked if she did hugs.  as we were hugging, she mentioned that this helps make up for touch deprivation in the past.  i think love/affection deprivation is a real thing, too.  glad you found boundaries to adhere to, also.  the reality is we're not children anymore, so we kind of have to watch ourselves so we don't get into that mindset in our behaviors.  but, to give and want what we've been deprived of, to me it feels rather natural. 

keep taking care of yourself as best you can, ok?  sending love and a hug filled with self-care.

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Recovery Journals / Re: stuck stuck stuck

« on: November 30, 2019, 12:06:57 AM »

i finally got my legs back today, was able to walk to the store, and that felt really good.  looking forward to my next appt., hoping i'll be less uncomfortable w/ her as she gets into doing therapy w/ me.  we'll see.  so far, tho, it feels good to get myself back to my normal.  yay!

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Recovery Journals / Re: Snookie's journal

« on: November 30, 2019, 12:03:33 AM »

i hear you on being fed up w/ people who will not be accountable, not accept the reality of the situation and put it on our shoulders.   it totally sucks.  very frustrating.  i'm glad you were able to release some of that frustration thru what sounds like cleansing tears.

and the incident w/ your super, well, again.  so very sorry you've been experiencing this crapola, snookie.  hang tough, ok?  people can be so annoying themselves.  sending love and a hug full of care and compassion

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Recovery Journals / Re: Snowdrop's journal

« on: November 29, 2019, 11:54:34 PM »

hey, snowdrop,

wow, and wow!  the work you are doing is so strong.  well done

i once heard someone say that anger is a result of  a boundary of ours being crossed in some fashion.  in your case, w/ such an email, i think anger would be absolutely appropriate, even from an adult perspective.  how to express that anger can be challenging.  as adults, we don't want to be throwing 2-yr. old tantrums anymore.  i think you and your parts are working together well.

sending love and a hug full of appropriate expression.