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Messages - voicelessagony2

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1
My boyfriend is a * (That's my resentment talking.)

He is a workaholic, he is easily triggered to anger, and he expects me to be grateful for his "help" which he delivers in a continuous stream of criticism. He NEVER initiates physical contact unless it's for sex every other month, late at night, when we are both nearly asleep.

He has no vocabulary for encouragement; it seems to me that every statement out of his mouth hole is negative and/or critical. All of my statements, actions, and decisions are questioned, disputed, or opposed. He never criticizes my appearance, but he also never compliments me. I wish I was wearing a wire 24/7, so I could compile it and play it back to him, and of course he would have an epiphany and snap out of it and be happy and positive forever! Ha! Sorry, back to reality.

I still love him. As shaky as this relationship is, it is still by far the most stable one I've ever had. I've never had these "school girl crush" type of feelings last more than a couple of months, let alone nearly 4 years.

There are also financial, logistical, and emotional circumstances keeping me here for the time being. I have no money, no friends, I live 1400 miles away from family, and I don't think I'm recovered enough (from codependency/love addiction/abandonment issues, etc.) to be single yet.

The fact that I literally cannot run right now might be a good thing. I am being forced to learn adult relationship and communication skills;  my upbringing taught me nothing but suppression and avoidance. 

So I'm trying to recover from CPTSD in an emotional vacuum. Day after day, month after month, I work to build myself up bit by bit. Two steps forward, one step back. I'm a natural born optimist, but I still have to dig deep to keep going. It's exhausting. I have tried repeatedly to talk to him about stuff: why I felt I had to stop everything to pursue mental health, the progress I'm making in that direction, what type of emotional support I need from him, etc... and every single time, the conversation ends up in a fight.

A few days later, I strike up a conversation feeling positive and optimistic; (temporary amnesia makes me forget how badly this always goes) but he shoots me down and I end up feeling defeated and misunderstood by him. If I show any sign of being angry, sad, or upset, he makes it clear that it is my fault; he has a very high opinion of his ability to communicate well, so if there is a problem, it must be me.

A few days ago, as an experiment, I tried something new. I made a sincere effort to find compassion for him, to counteract the resentment. My perspective changed immediately. I saw a little boy, neglected and probably abused more than he can admit. His anger is clearly just a cover for sadness. He is deeply unhappy, and he is in denial about it. 

I don't know what to do, but for the time being, while I'm working on recovery and starting a new job, maybe the best of several less-than-ideal options is to keep myself in a place of compassion rather than resentment, as much as possible. Maybe, if I can learn how to be compassionate to someone like him, then I can learn to have some compassion for myself, and begin to dissolve some of the self-contempt and self-disgust I've carried around for most of my 47 years.   

I'm already starting to feel a little less like a victim. He may or may not ever be ready to address his sadness, and nothing I do or say can make him want to. But choosing compassion feels healthier and empowering.

2

... Maybe because I'm so terrified of it because it hates me so much. 


Yeah, exactly... it is like an "it" inside me that hates me and tortures me. "It" sometimes manifests as migraine, and I have never met anyone who could understand that the pain seems to be a sadistic sentient being with a cattle prod poking the pain receptors in my head.



... I just wish that the sensemaking could make the horrible feelings go away. :\   Peace to us all and hugs.



 :hug:

I wonder if you're like me... I love technology and learning, which is probably a direct result of the overactive part of my brain that insists on making sense of everything.

Ironically, I seem to (eventually) be able to make sense of the most challenging technical mysteries, but there is no amount of intellect that can defeat that inner sadist that refuses to communicate in any way but pain.

3
Thank you Indigo. It's nice to know this is "normal" even though it worries me... it's nice to know you understand. I hate that you had to experience this, but I'm glad we can be here to listen to each other.

4
General Discussion / Re: TW - Money and SA
« on: May 08, 2015, 08:43:47 PM »
Kizzie,

I have decided to change career paths because of this. I'm learning web development, which I think should be something that can be done online, or at least in a cubicle in a basement where I can hide away from the political BS!

5
General Discussion / Re: Hello
« on: April 28, 2015, 06:28:43 PM »
I don't know yet about the groups, I've only been a few times so far. I don't know where else I will find people to connect with and I know I need people, period.

6
General Discussion / Re: TW - Money and SA
« on: April 27, 2015, 03:09:14 AM »
Thank you for your thoughtful reply, smg.

Thank you for letting me know it's not so unbelievable.  :yes:

It is a significant realization, I agree. It was right there the whole time, and when I saw it, it just seemed so OBVIOUS. But that's how the work goes, doesn't it?

Now, what to do about it...

7
General Discussion / Re: Is anyone else afraid to grieve??
« on: April 27, 2015, 03:04:00 AM »
 :hug:

8
General Discussion / Re: Is anyone else afraid to grieve??
« on: April 26, 2015, 09:23:20 PM »
I don't have any advice, because I have exactly the same problem.

Childhood trauma, for me, resulted in complete repression/stifling of emotions. I have never been able to cry unless in a place of utter despair and lost hope. That kind of crying is not cathartic or healing. It just leaves me drained and possibly with a sinus infection.

I wish I could grieve, but my protective instincts are too strong.

9
General Discussion / TW - Money and SA
« on: April 26, 2015, 09:17:17 PM »
For those who may not have the acronyms memorized yet, TW = Trigger Warning and SA = Sexual Assault.

I've had a lifelong struggle with money. I have never met anyone else with the same intensity and pervasiveness of this problem.

Here's how it has been playing out:

I push myself hard to constantly increase my earning ability and income. I had a fundamental belief that the solution to all money problems is simply earning more money. I have a track record of increasing my salary nearly every single time I change jobs, sometimes by outrageous amounts. For example, going from 45k to 65k salary back in 2005, then from about 73k to 100k a few years later. But because these jobs are almost always short term contracts, with long periods of unemployment between, I have never managed to save a single dollar.

Plus, every time I made that jump in income, I felt like I was "rich," so I would immediately adjust my lifestyle to maximum enjoyment and instant gratification. Shopping, designer clothes, expensive restaurants, wine, etc.

After a traumatic divorce in 2011, I lost my house, my car was repossessed, and of course I had no savings. If I had not met my current boyfriend, I would be living in a shelter or under a bridge.

I've been unemployed for over a year now. I am once again broke, and cannot make the payments on the car I bought Jan 2014, when I was in a job I thought would last a long time. When I lost that job 3 months later, I was devastated. It destroyed any shred of confidence I may have had in myself and my career. I have not been applying for jobs with only a couple exceptions, and each failed attempt feels like salt in the wound.

I've been going to therapy every week since January this year, and making progress, but this onion has so many layers. I just realized a few days ago, something that might seem obvious, but maybe I just was never able to look at it until I got a little stronger.

My first SA happened when I was 16 or 17. I don't remember how, but somehow I met a drug dealer who gave me a big bag of weed. I was supposed to make it into joints and sell them, then pay him like $60 and I could keep the rest. I was dumb and just smoked all of it with some friends. He showed up at my house demanding his money, which of course I did not have, and he forced his way into the house (my parents were not home) and assaulted me, telling me that since I did not have his money, that  was the only way to settle my debt.

I just realized a few days ago, that this is probably most, if not all, the root of my money issues. This is why I cannot bring myself to take an active role in pursuing any type of stable income. Almost all of my jobs have been through temp or recruiting agencies; for some reason they do not scare me. They do the work of negotiating, establishing relationships, etc., so it somehow feels safe to give my resume to an intermediary and deal only with them.

I want to be freelance or independent consultant, but the idea of asking for money directly makes me freeze and withdraw. I'm terrified and apathetic at the same time. I want to make a difference, to relieve suffering in this world, but I will never be able to help anybody unless I can stabilize myself financially. I am soooooo not cut out to compete for money in western society. I don't even care about being independent any more. I would happily live out my days being taken care of, as long as it was mutually agreeable and accepted. But that is not my situation; my boyfriend is being very patient, but he is beginning to lose patience. I cannot explain this to him... I don't have the words, and he and the rest of the world cannot be expected to understand such a bizarre concept as being afraid of money.

10
Emotional Abuse / Re: Emotional abuse and neglect (TRIGGERS, maybe)
« on: April 19, 2015, 07:57:04 PM »

 Any emotional abuse I speak of with my family I typically just get "oh silly parents, mine are just like that." response. No they probably aren't! Or if they did maybe you need help too! Don't minimize my problems!

Urgh.

Lili, that infuriates me too. I have removed myself from the entire circle of "friends" I used to hang out with, because I got sick of that response. One previous friend IM'd me recently and asked what have I been up to, (had not heard a peep from her in nearly a year) and I said, "working on myself" she asked what that meant, and I said "deep emotional *" b/c I didn't want to get into it. She responds with "LOL! You're hilarious!" ... I did not reply, still going *???? Hilarious? Really?  :sadno:

11
The Cafe / Re: Today I realized that...
« on: April 12, 2015, 11:25:46 PM »
Thank you for watching out for us Kizzie. I haven't seen anything weird, but if I do I will report it like you said.

12
General Discussion / Re: Hello
« on: April 12, 2015, 11:24:16 PM »
I have a degree and background in IT, but for the last 10 years or so my work has been more on the internal communications side, like PR/marketing but more like selling corporate propaganda BS to employees, trying to get them to be more productive & company values or whatever... I'm sick of that insincere BS they call "communications" and I want to do more "real" communicating, using my creativity and writing skills for real, honest and direct connection. Like, I don't mind doing newsletters, but not the kind that only produces a sugar coated version of "look at all these happy workers" covering up the real messages that need to be heard.

So, see, that was way too long and vague, because I still don't know really how to answer that question. :-\

13
General Discussion / Re: Hello
« on: April 12, 2015, 10:34:22 PM »
Hi WF, thanks for replying. You must have joined during my absence.

Yeah, about specializing, I am quite sure that I have plenty of knowledge and experience to specialize in something, and I know generally where, like in this HUGE subject area, but I guess I just need a lot of validation and encouragement to help me pick a place to START, at least...


14
General Discussion / Re: Feeling Lonely
« on: April 12, 2015, 10:16:30 PM »
Wow this thread resonates so much with me right now. I'm very much friend-less right now; although there are people I talk to regularly, I don't feel very close to any of them. I don't feel the desire to spend time with them at all.

Rr, like you, I have ended a friendship with someone who has been my "best friend" for years... I did not announce it like you did, I just stopped reaching out to her in any way to hang out like we used to. She has stopped as well, but she is moving away to another state soon and I guess it's a non-issue now. I just decided that I need better friendships, and I don't have the patience or energy to be in any more one-way arrangements. She does all the talking about subjects of her choosing, most of which is gossip about other people. I cannot talk about my issues without the invalidating dismissive "Oh everybody has trauma, you're no different than anybody else."

So, I am in the same situation as you and Cat. I have no friends, and I am struggling to find people that I have some important things in common with. I also feel that healthy, successful people would have no interest in me, and I would not know how to interact with them. I feel socially retarded, like my social abilities were stunted in childhood and I never learned how to connect with people in a healthy way.

One root cause of this I do know now. In addition to childhood neglect, I also had a best friend all through junior high and high school that the friendship ended permanently as a result of my indiscretion with a huge scandalous secret she told me, near the end of our last year of high school. I have never forgiven myself to this day.

So I also have a long trail of broken friendships behind me. I am now trying to learn how to pick better people and hang onto them.

15
General Discussion / Hello
« on: April 12, 2015, 09:34:15 PM »
Hello everyone.  :wave:

Sorry I just disappeared for a while. I hope I have not caused any worry or disappointment. Nobody offended me, or anything like that, I just have been getting busier lately.

All the work I am doing on myself, working toward mental health and career, leaves me mentally and physically exhausted. It seems like just doing the necessary household chores and self-improvement work every day, leaves me with no energy or desire to get online and participate here, as much as I know it helps. I have a lot of research and creative work to do on the computer that doesn't get done, either. Today I didn't wake up until after 9:00, and even after having coffee, I stayed in bed and slept some more from 11:00 until 2 PM!

I have continued my weekly therapy visits, and even found 2 local groups that meet every week. I've been to the Thursday night group twice, and this week I will start the Wednesday night group too. One is a more formal recovery group, while the other is completely informal.

I'm still not working yet, but I have been forcing myself to go to more career workshops & stuff, which has been helping me meet people and get ideas how to get un-stuck. The only thing stopping me is that I continue to be overwhelmed by indecisiveness about what to focus on. I believe having a very specific area to specialize in will be my way back into the business or employment marketplace. But it seems like every single day, I change my mind about what that will be.  ???

I still struggle with my core beliefs about being unworthy of anything good, and I am still easily triggered into silence and mental confusion. It's two steps forward, one step back, at times deeply frustrating. I still have the occasional panicky feeling that I am exaggerating my own abuse and trauma, and that I "shouldn't" need all this help, and I "shouldn't" be struggling like this. But that thought is easier than most to deal with, and it doesn't keep me down.

Well, thanks for reading, if you're still with me.  :bigwink:

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