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Messages - artemis23

#1
Thanks guys. I'll never go to the hospital again. Ever. I will literally just end up in the same place and they will be the same. So there is no safe place. And I'm losing it.
#2
I haven't posted in a long time. Haven't been well for a long time.

So, about a month ago I went to the pysch ward for SI voluntary. They didn't tell me they put me on a 5150 hold (illegal to not inform me) then shipped me down to another hospital because county psych here is horrific and overpopulated and more like prison. I thought maybe this would be good, but I wasn't suicidal anymore. This other place put me on a 5250 two week involuntary hold and lied the whole time so they could force me to rapid taper off of valium. I am now completely losing my sanity. It was a nightmare in there. They put me on megadoses of gabapentin with horrific side effects. They trapped me and I had nurses laughing at me and telling me benzo withdrawal isn't real. In the end I had to pretend to be compliant to get out. Now i've been in my house a couple weeks losing it. I had to reinstate the valium because I couldn't take the horrible withdrawals anymore. I'm 100x worse off then when I went to the psych ward. I feel completely hopeless. 

I've been doing erratic things and feel like I've lost my sanity. I smashed my phone with a hammer. I ordered a bunch of stuff online. I'm binging on sugar. My impulse control is gone.  I can't take meds to stabilize I have massive reactions to literally ALL of them. I don't have any hope left. I'm really scared. I don't have any support and there is no way IN * I am ever calling 911 or going to a psych ward again.  I tried to go to online crisis chat and waited hours no one responds. I'm scared and I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place. Sorry  :fallingbricks:
#3
Medication / Benzo dependence
May 27, 2018, 03:42:48 AM
Whew, so I recently figured out I had become dependent on Ativan (wasn't abusing, but used it near daily for 4-5 months) and it became extremely clear to me that it was playing a major role in destabilizing me because it's short acting. It did help me a lot, it really did keep me alive at points. I really did try almost every other psych drug on the market and had horrific effects and reactions. So now I'm dealing with switching to a long acting benzo (valium) to taper off gradually. That's a whole other hellish thing. I"m being compassionate with myself but I also just wanted to say that the withdrawals from the Ativan are horrific for me and I have got to completely get off of all benzos now and never go back, and it's going to take a long, long time to do this. The education on this has been beyond enlightening. I never, ever had a problem with occasional valium use in the past but the doctors wouldn't listen to me when I said that's what I needed so here I go again.
#4
I've used mj both as medicine and to escape suffering, and honestly, who cares either way. It really isn't harmful unless it makes your anxiety worse, you stop functioning in life (addiction), it triggers psychosis (more risky for BP populations). To be fair I live in the MJ capital of the world lol, so people use it all the time everywhere here. I no longer can handle THC it makes me feel worse anxiety and I end up abusing it, but I use an amazing CBD sleep extract that is saving me. There is so much stigma around MJ, but the literal 1000s of studies on it can't really back up the fears we have about it, which are extremely outdated and created in time of extreme racism and ignorance, to put it mildly.

But anyways, the real issue here is the guilt or shame you are feeling about doing something that helps you, and I can absolutely relate to that. This persistent feeling that can happen with CPTSD where it's 'wrong' to feel good. Where we weren't allowed to and so now it's uncomfortable. Considering how few medications actually help people with PTSD, and the little to no dangerous/harmful side effects of MJ, plus all the other incredible health benefits of this herb...I think your focus could be on practicing letting yourself enjoy it. It's ok to have some relief and even ENJOY the effects of THC, we all suffer enough here. It can be hard to break the cycle of keeping ourselves in suffering unnecessarily. You found something that works for you, bravo, you deserve it.
#5
Successes, Progress? / Re: Acceptance
May 22, 2018, 02:12:11 AM
Radical! That's wonderful, it must have felt so nice. I know what it's like to have pain and be immobilized so hooray for that freedom to do what you can and celebrate it!  :cheer:
#6
Therapy / Re: Not so great new therapist
May 21, 2018, 04:07:32 PM
Thanks, I just ended up texting her to cancel all future appointments, it's not working out for me, and then I blocked her. Because I really don't feel safe and need to hear any more of her judgements about what she wants me to be doing or how it's my fault. Enough is enough. Boundaries enforced! No shame, no shame. Just a little residual disappointment it didn't work out but hey I've got my little outpatient program group therapy and that can be helpful so onwards and upwards.
#7
Successes, Progress? / Re: Acceptance
May 21, 2018, 03:58:31 PM
Radical and Rainagain, thanks for the great dialogue,

I agree with both of you. It reminds me of something this same insightful therapist said, how she doesn't believe in 'self-esteem', that it's overrated and emphasized and can be really shaming of where we are are. She feels 'self efficacy', or focusing on what we can do, what's possible, it's a much more effective strategy.

At first I felt resistant to this because I was still blaming myself for being victimized (aka, abusive people are attracted to low self esteem so it's my fault). But then I realized, first of all, they are attracted to me when I'm in my most powerful and confident self. And second, it's not even a fair assessment because when you grew up not even understanding you were supposed to like or love yourself how is that your fault?

It's just a baseline to accept abusive behavior when you've been programmed so deeply from childhood that this is what a relationship is. So now it's celebrating the victories of whatever I am able to do, however I am able to care for myself and live despite my disability and programming. And it's not like I felt I deserved abuse I just was so confused about relationships and it was so hard to reprogram. So now I just do what I can and avoid those patterns. And if I slip up then oh well. Keep moving forward instead of fully regressing. Not all lapses in old behaviors have to be full on relapses.
#8
Rocket!  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: YAY

That's some amazing progress. I really relate to what you said, I'm feeling a similar way towards others now. Slowly entering the world again. And also, dropping that feeling of obligation to put up with people I'm not comfortable around, or to be alone as much as I want. And the feeling of a sort of peace and relaxation is really delicious. Joy is nice but it wouldn't be as nice if we felt it all the time, anyways. It's actually kind of tiring because it's an extreme emotion, just like the ones on the other end of the spectrum, important in balance. I get the feeling of less disappointment too, thanks for articulating this. I was so caught up in being disappointed by people, or myself, really think I let go of a lot unrealistic expectations and it opened that up. Self acceptance and more ability to just realize people will do what they do and it may or may not affect me but it's not my fault, anyways. Thanks for sharing I'ms o happy for you.
#9
Successes, Progress? / Re: Acceptance
May 21, 2018, 03:20:00 AM
Totally agree Rainagain, the acceptance isn't about accepting what happened or forgiveness, but instead accepting where I am at and more importantly, more realistic parameters about what I have some control over in life and what was hyped up self-help nonsense I was unconsciously pushing on myself. For example, it's not realistic to expect to be happy or positive or love myself or patient or present or whatever I think I 'should be' 100% of the time, I think I had some subconscious expectation of this from all the self help/mindfulness and societal brainwashing (even though I'm against it). I love how the book is laid out. After he discusses a topic there is 'what we hope we can control about x (unrealistic expectations)', then 'what we actually can work at' and 'how to go about it'.

I think for me I can now see how one of the hardest parts of overcoming the severe symptoms was to just stop fighting them. I'm not even entirely sure how that has happened, or how long it will last (haha). But this really good therapist at these groups I go to who really knows her stuff (rare one) said that's a big healing sign.She said when we are fighting the symptoms it exacerbates them. Makes sense, and it's def not easy to stop when they are so darn painful and uncomfortable and we are terrified. And since it's happened it's as if I'm able to stop the mental fixations on the trauma as well. I can finally start redirecting my thoughts and I've started to enjoy little things again. Walks, sunshine, nature, painting, reading, cooking, eating. I'm feeling alive. It feels like a miracle. Self care has gone way up. Major depression lifted. More mental clarity and self will, more ability to use logic and reasoning to deal with stress.

I'm feeling grateful for everything that got me to this point and just trying to process it out here and articulate it because I feel like I've done a 180. It was difficult to accept the CPTSD and be patient with it because it just feels so darn unfair to have to deal with it after already having to deal with all the awful trauma, and the symptoms are so awful. That's been the biggest part of the acceptance. And somehow not fighting it has really calmed me and I'm not so hair-pin triggered or suicidal anymore. Instead of forcing myself to 'think positive' it's now just flowing naturally. More like, think realistically (ie, self compassion and less black and white fear thinking). I'm kind of in shock I'm at this point, like the world stopped spinning. I think there is a definite process to this that can't happen overnight and I needed to get very angry and self protective and lose a lot of innocence and naivety that was also some kind of protection, but ended up in being re-traumatized so many times. I feel like I am at ground zero with my life, I have no idea where I'm going with it, and I've stopped panicking about that as well. I don't feel like I have to help people anymore. That might sound weird but I was stuck in this martyr cycle that was very unhealthy. Maybe just a nice low stress job in a few months after I get off these darn benzos and recover a bit.

Sending unicorns your way  :hug:
#10
Successes, Progress? / Acceptance
May 20, 2018, 03:58:43 PM
I'm reading this book for the past month titled "F*ck Feelings" (sorry for profanity moderators but it's the actual title) by a psychiatrist and his comedian daughter. I found it randomly at the library and it made me laugh so I picked it up. In no way is it minimizing of feelings, it's more about acceptance and being realistic about what we can and can't control in life, and uses some humor. It's really helped me to stop seeking this 'magic cure' to my CPTSD and other issues, and to have more realistic expectations of my recovery, and identify what I can hope to have some actual control over in my life. Sometimes, that's not much. I think I was really, really stuck in the injustice of the world. I think that was my biggest obstacle to overcoming the sort of drowning that was happening to me. In a gentle and at times humorous way, it's helped me to unravel idea of fairness and justice that was driving me mad. And also helped me see that I don't have to be fully and completely 'healed' to go on living life.

It's not so much that what I have survived was 'ok' and I accept it, more that I'm finding, for me, my biggest struggle with CPTSD was letting go of this deeply (and understandably) fear based need to have control over everything and also the feeling that everything is my fault.

What I've realized and been able to come to terms with is that crappy, abusive, and violent people exist. That horrible things happen. That I don't have to become this rainbow sunshine cured healer person who saves the world. That there is a limit to how much I can recover from trauma, and that's ok. Mostly, it's helping me let go of this perfectionist idealism that I think stems from the abuse, where we are conditioned to believe that if we do everything right, the abuser will behave, be kind, or reform somehow. It's deeply ingrained in so many of us and, for me, extends to so many different aspects of life (work, school, food, healing, people pleasing, etc). And I seem to be much more proud of what I can accomplish despite my own disabilities and struggles.

Despite the silly title, I'm finding it very empowering. It's actually written as an anti self-help book and is helping me let go of the need to constantly 'fix' myself. It really seems to have snapped me back into my body and the present and helped me move forward as well. It makes sense to me because the inability to accept lack of control over life is really the major basis of my overwhelming and debilitating fears that keep me trapped. It's a really big shift and I'm feeling quite proud of myself.
#11
Therapy / Re: Not so great new therapist
May 20, 2018, 03:42:02 PM
Aw, thanks guys for the amazing support and validation. I can totally relate to those of you who feel cured of the need to seek therapy. Honestly, I'm not really even sure it has much to offer me after ten years of it. It would take someone really special/competent anyways and I'm just not finding that. I at least have this little program I'm in a few times a week and am making a lot of progress on my own now. I at least feel out of the suicidal period and deep depression and am taking really good care of myself compared to a month ago. I started to feel hope about the future. I think for me at this point self management is important anyways. And especially avoiding more toxic and abusive future relationships. I feel cured of that and I think it will be the most helpful thing. If anything, she should have been offering me coping skills for triggers for goodness sake.
#12
Therapy / Not so great new therapist
May 20, 2018, 02:32:40 AM
Haven't posted in awhile, I was doing much better after a diet change back to paleo (this is tricky for me because of past eating disorders and issues but has such a positive impact on my mood stabilization, gut health, and hormonal regulation I just decided to deal with it. That and I realized I had become dependent on the low dose of ativan I have been taking so when I started taking same time every day I leveled out (and now am dealing with a switch to long action so I can taper off totally, not an easy process by any means).

Anyways I'm off topic, but I had gotten a new therapist about a month ago who supposedly specializes in trauma and EMDR 20+ years. Seemed nice. I guess we have had about four sessions. I want to post the red flags for feedback cause I'm thinking I have to stop seeing her now and they are getting worse. Need to process here...

I felt for a bit that she was being to pushy, suggesting too many things for me to change, as mentioned above I've made huge changes. I've also been finally able to get out of the house and go for walks. I've been doing other things than just watching tv, I finally got some temporary aide that gives me a tiny bit more financial freedom. I've overcome MASSIVE barriers and issues. When I mentioned it was too much she said ''she didn't realize", but then she kept doing this and making more suggestions in the future anyways. This is triggering for me, it reminds me of trying to please narcissist abusers, who always move the goal posts, and I tried to explain my perfectionist tendencies and that I need to focus on keeping up the huge changes I've just made.

At first I thought I was just getting annoyed with her because it was a safe space to feel angry. Then come the super weird comments about narcissists. I'm now suspecting she may be one, or is very sympathetic anyways. There was this one moment where she said something about how they are injured, and I can't quite recall it exactly. But it was like her whole face changed in an aggressive way, she leaned forward in the chair, and it felt very defensive> I can still see it. I challenged her and said that's not always true, some are just overly entitled, because that's the current research, which also shows they don't suffer from low self esteem at all. But does it even matter? It was weird.

Then there is the matter of her pushing me to imagine or make up or remember a safe person, for the purposes of EMDR work. I kept telling her that I have never felt safe with any person and so imagining what this feels like isn't possible. No empathy at all, just frustrated with me. Keeps repeating for me to 'just imagine'. How can I imagine something with no frame of reference? Also pushing to put myself in protective bubble of safety, yeah I tried that didn't work. I feel she is annoyed that I don't find all her suggestions helpful...it feels impatient and pushy. And when I say I don't want to bring up a trauma (because I don't feel safe with her lol), she gives a loud OK switches to the weather or something stupid. It's only been like 4 sessions for goodness sake.

Then this last session was nuts. Out of nowhere, she decided to say that psychopaths can sometimes be a good thing, like as politicians. I was like WHAT? She says, oh, you don't agree? Smiling. Are you kidding me, do 6 million jews who were murdered agree? Or how about all the people being discriminated against and oppressed by these types in general. Seriously. WHAT? I had mentioned that the psychopaths I had to deal with, especially the last one, were extremely intelligent and it made them much more dangerous and psychologically abusive in so many ways. Her actual response to that was "it must have been nice to be around such smart people." AGAIN, WHAT? It took me an actual minute to understand what she had even just said.

Then she switched up to asking me if I had ever been homicidal or psychotic. Excuse me? Where did that come from? Seemed like some weird blame shifting thing. She proceeded to ask me if I knew all my triggers and then say that I'm spending all of my time being triggered, and I have built a wall around myself, and she doesn't know how not to trigger me. Felt like an attack here. And manipulative. I'm actually not spending all my time triggered and even if I was is this appropriate thing to say? Oh, and then to top it all off, she asks me "what REAL stressors I have in my life, besides my mother, since I don't have a job, I'm not going through a divorce, I don't have kids." Implying that I shouldn't be so unwell. I called her out and said that was minimizing, got very quiet, and said I need to leave and go for a walk, and left early.

I'm never going back to see her but omg, I'm having terrible luck with therapists. It took me like four months to even get into one and now this. I'm trying not to ruminate on it, she is clearly not qualified, at best. I'm scared to call and cancel because I really don't want to talk to her ever again. I feel a little unhinged because this benzodiazapine taper is rough and I had hoped to have some one on one support.

A therapist at the dual recovery program I'm in (who is awesome, wish I could see her but not possible), said something like, when you know as much as I do about trauma and abuse some therapists are just not going to be able to deal with that. And I think that's it, I think instead of being supportive her ego is threatened. I have this residual shame about not opening up about any specific trauma to her, and that's not right at all. I should feel safe and comfortable with her to a degree, luckily I have had great therapists where this was the case or I might think this was normal.

Red flags everywhere. Guess I just cut my losses. I'm getting better at that. But this is still aggravating and triggering. It's hard enough to even want to go into a new therapist or do any more work at all, LET ALONE find someone here with openings. Ok, rant over.


(moved from other thread)
#13
General Discussion / Re: Spa massage
May 20, 2018, 01:35:48 AM
Totally can relate Sceal. I call it bodywork. Cause it's work. It always releases trauma for me. Somatic therapy dictates it's stored in the body memory. Still, I have probably had well over 100 sessions. I usually cry after and have to do major self care. But it can be a good thing. If I had a reaction like you did I probably wouldn't go again though, that sounds horrible. I'm actually currently debating whether or not to get a new therapist for this but I'm hesitant because of the trust thing. I've had amazing people who get trauma and aren't at all judgy or pushy and that has gone better. Still best not to overdo it.
#14
OMG how horrific that poor girl! Those police officers are horrible they should know better. This is a tragedy and that it's in the news. It's perpetuating this crime. I'm so sorry this happened to you. No matter your age it was never your fault! I seriously doubt she wasn't also abused earlier and doesn't have major trauma. Sending you  :hug:
#15
Recovery Journals / Re: Moon Journal
April 16, 2018, 05:32:25 AM
Thanks Decimal

Today I took some steps to try and break free out of this mess I am in. Learned helplessness is really a bugger of a thing. I applied to get a grant for psychiatric trauma hospitalization. And I called a local organization that is super trauma competent and amazing, I had forgotten about them but my one healthy friend here I met not too long ago reminded me. They were so kind and a great resource for me to use for counseling and groups at some point. Just their call line is amazing. They really validated for me, out loud, that the situation I'm living in is unhealthy and not helping me. That even if my M and SD aren't directly abusive, they are incapable of understanding, supporting, or providing any compassion or help for my very serious illness right now (CPTSD). Or for what I've just been through. It was hard to make the call because I had to remember how much abuse I've just been through and blocked all over again. And to validate that I deserve support and help and healing. Because my M just wants to ignore everything and pretend it's all good so she can keep up her own walls, her own illness. And I have to break free. I have to save myself.

The woman told me they have housing programs for trauma survivors like me. Not a DV shelter something else, they are a rape crisis center for all people regardless of when trauma happened and kind of special place. I felt instant hope and relief, if I can just get out of this house and have support then maybe I can survive. I almost killed myself last week. But I couldn't do it, as hopeless as I am. It's the feeling of being trapped like when I was a child with no real help or way out. Just my M who needs me to pretend 'everything is fine' and ignore my pain. Well, this wouldn't be the first time it almost killed me. In fact, this happened several times in the last year with physical illness too.

I have to understand that I'm not trapped, but it's not going to be easy getting out and on my own either like this. But I have hope this organization can help me, they are so competent and compassionate. The hope has faded a bit into fear, and the realization that leaving this false security of my M again terrifies me. But it's almost killing me. It didn't work out last time when I left and remembering the pain of being completely alone, running out of resources in a foreign country, and almost dying of a tropical illness only to have to come back here is enough trauma on its own. I had a breakdown and chose to live in a slum with a drug dealing psychopath who abused me very badly and I nearly died 6-7 times there. Some of which was me trying to overdose to get away because I was that broken. But something keeps me here no matter how many times i've almost died (9 in the last year!!!!!!! *!!!!) here I am. That has to count for something.

I have to apply for disability and I'm going to call a lawyer, which they are free until they win the case apparently, and have advocates from the rape crisis center go with me because I'm stressed about having to bring up my trauma. One step at a time, I have to get out of this house.

I have nothing, no resources, barely even clothing. She has full financial control of me, and I'm so ill at this point I don't know how to leave, but I have repeatedly told her I need psych hospital and my psychiatrist is worried I am going to kill myself, and her only response is 'how would that benefit you' and to ask me what my plans are for my future. She is literally insane. I am sane, she is crazy. She called me crazy when I brought it up the first time. No. I'm sane. This is projection and gaslighting and control.

But the real kicker now is this fear, of not having any trust of the outside world or anything in it. That this horrific emotional pain I am in living with her and her partner is somehow familiar and known. And the what-ifs of some free housing project full of god knows who run by god knows who and all the other unknowns about how will I have this or that, can I ever work, could swallow me whole. But I think I have to take this leap of faith. It's really  about faith in myself. Faith my abusers don't want me to have. I'm so scared. But I really have nothing left to lose, except if I take my own life because I'm going insane in this house of cards.