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Messages - Errorzone

#1
Back in April, my mother passed away from complications of diabetes. After the initial shock of the news faded, I celebrated. This sadistic, homophobic, manipulative, lying woman is nothing more than a pile of ashes now, and will never be able to abuse me or anyone else ever again. She's dead. I won. I owe her nothing.

For anyone else who's been in the situation where an abusive person in their life has died, are these feelings normal? Probably not, but are they at least relatable? I don't feel any regrets about not being able to reconcile with her. My last couple phone conversations with my mother were very superficial but nice, more chores than anything else. Now my life will be devoted to those who are actually worth my time and energy, namely my wonderful boyfriend, who she'd never approve of.
#2
The Cafe / Re: Favourite Quotes - Part 3
October 28, 2019, 08:44:22 PM
"I say unto you: one must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star. I say unto you: you still have chaos in yourselves."
~Friedrich Nietzsche
#3
I think it would be helpful to try to categorize you traumas by their source / the person who caused them. I recently started seeing a new therapist on-campus and presented him with a lengthy document concisely listing all the traumatic experiences in my life, in chronological order.
#4
Hello everyone! This is my second introductory post. Forgive me in advance if that's not allowed, but I figured that since it's been so long since my last post here and that my contributions to the forum were minimal, I'd make a second one.

First off I would like to apologize for the incredibly bitter, misanthropic language I used during my first stint on this forum (early 2016). These rantings were akin to an angsty teenager who had his Linkin Park CDs taken away from them, and contradict my worldview and values.

I was at an incredibly dark point in my life, failing miserably at a commuter school whose commute was almost literally killing me, suffering through contact with an incredibly abusive, manipulative mother (who thankfully is now dead), and had no social life to speak of. And while I have endured further struggles since that period, I'd like to think that my life is objectively better than it was then (or even at this time last year).

I'm 23 years old and currently a "super senior" in college. I have documented diagnoses of Asperger's syndrome, major depressive disorder, PTSD, and was misdiagnosed with Bipolar I "with psychotic features" after a nervous breakdown in August of last year. Needless to say, I'm not a psychopath, although I fully admit to having mental health struggles like all of us here. I now realize that a good portion of my trauma results from me being the victim of psychiatric malpractice, on top of child abuse and family issues.

Finally, and perhaps most excitingly, I have a partner who I've been with for six months now, after six years single. We're madly in love with one another, and every time I hold hands with him or kiss him, I imagine how it would annoy my mom. As he words it, I'm "living my best life". Even though the country may be descending into a totalitarian hellscape, I want to carve out my own little slice of Paradise with him.

If you have any questions for me, feel free to ask them here. Take care!
#5
Music / Re: Music
June 26, 2016, 04:47:34 AM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HB3tmC2f3t0

Now is the time for me to rise to my feet
Wipe your spit from my face
Wipe these tears from my eyes

Now is the time for me to rise to my feet
Wipe your spit from my face
Wipe these tears from my eyes

I've got to take my life back
One chance to make it right
I've gotta have my voice be heard
And bring meaning to this life

Cause I've trusted for nothing
I've been led astray
I've been tried and tested
But I won't accept defeat
Now I've done things I regret
And its time to reverse the rules
I just want to make good on
All the promises that I have made

I will be
I will be... I will be heard
I will be... I will be heard

Now is the time for me to rise to my feet (I will be heard)
Wipe your spit from my face
Wipe these tears from my eyes (I will be heard)

Through the worst we prevail
So our voices will be heard
Through the worst we prevail
So our voices will be heard
Through the worst we prevail
So our voices will be heard
Through the worst we prevail
So our voices will be

Now is the time for me to rise to my feet
Wipe your spit from my face
Wipe these tears from my eyes

Now is the time for me to rise to my feet
Wipe your spit from my face
Wipe these tears from my eyes

I've got to take my life back
One chance to make it right
I've gotta have my voice be heard
And bring meaning to this life

Cause I've trusted for nothing
I've been led astray
I've been tried and tested
But I won't accept defeat
Now I've done things I regret
And its time to reverse the rules
I just want to make good on
All the promises that I have made

I will be
I will be... I will be heard
I will be... I will be heard

Now is the time for me to rise to my feet (I will be heard)
Wipe your spit from my face
Wipe these tears from my eyes (I will be heard)

I will be

#6
The Cafe / Re: Today I feel ..... (Part 2)
May 31, 2016, 12:20:01 AM
Arrogant, and rightly so. If I'm somehow a cancer to society then society deserves to die of cancer anyway.  I'm proud to be a f**king "degenerate".  If my very existence is enough to bring this nation to its knees, then let America burn and let me dance in the fire. I revel in being a sodomite. Everything this world considers sin is actually sacred. The stigma that you've branded on my forehead I wear as a badge of honor.
#7
First of all, even though I'm probably in no position to welcome fellow newbies, welcome to the forum. I hope it serves you well. I like your username by the way :)

I can relate to how you did some soul searching and pondering your own thought patterns in relation to your discovery of CPTSD. I also empathize certainly with you having an isolated childhood combined with the abusive circumstances of it, and how it interfered with being able to grow healthily. While it sucks that you had to go through them, I'm glad that you're seeking out help. It's always a promising sign.

Make yourself at home and interact with some people. If you need anything, even just someone to rant to, you can feel free to send me a message. I can't promise that I have all the answers but I can offer an ear to listen.

I hope your experience on this forum is insightful and helps you through whatever situation you are currently in.
#8
Quote from: MaryAnn on March 08, 2016, 05:11:35 PM
I am unemployed.....

So it has come to this.  I keep working and trying to learn so many new emotions and feelings that I have either never allowed myself to experience or understood enough to manage in a healthy way.  I am learning a big one now.  I was in a state of shock yesterday.  I am starting to come out of it today.  I am trying to accept my current reality.  It still all feels like a bad dream.  I have had a career of 24 years with my "past" employer.  Have made so many friendships and love the people I work with, will do anything to help them.  Of course, that is partly me because I feel like I do not deserve anything unless I am doing everything I can to help them.  In other words, it is not that I am a selfless person, just that I am selfish in a different way.   

I allowed myself to be vulnerable, I tried to trust people like I have never trusted before.  I had my "teeth" knocked out about six months ago and was removed from a management position without any warning and after several years of positive reviews.  It had taken me six months to regain my footing.  I went back at it and this time there was no demotion, no concern for my well being, no empathy for what I was trying to deal with and overcome.  There was no discussion just like six months ago, no documentation of anything I had done wrong.  Just a "This isn't going to work out so we are separating from you, this is your last day with us.  We are terminating your employment.  I am a workaholic so my employer was like home to me.  I feel like I was kicked out of the house and told never to come back by my parents.

I can relate in a sense. I really don't know what's worse, being unfairly punished for something, or being punished with no given reason. Especially the bit about being kicked out by parents, but in this case she made it clear what she was kicking me out for... anyway, there I go making it about myself as I usually do.

I also sometimes ponder how I'd have a lot less trouble if I just played it smart and not made an * of myself. But remember that you weren't the one who made the decision, they were. It's their lack of far-sightedness that got you into this mess, not yours. I'm sure the people at your workplace are gonna have a not-as-pleasant next 24 years without you.

Quote from: MaryAnn on March 08, 2016, 05:11:35 PMNot sure how many more times I can pull myself up from being kicked down but I know I have too in order to survive.  The negative thoughts continue and without any separation.  I am thankful that this forum exists.  It has helped me many times and will again.  Just being able to express freely helps me to be able to sort out what I am feeling and what it all means so I can learn new ways to manage these types of situation.

I too am thankful that this forum exists, even though I've been on it for under a week. To relate to others and be able to feel confident in the solidarity your fellow man is, in my opinion, one of the most basic human needs.

Anyway, today I realized that... well maybe not realized but discovered that my transfer application to a new college got accepted. I was pretty anxious over that. The school I'll be attending this fall is 250% better than the one I'm currently going to, plus the fact that I'm going to be living on-campus means that I won't have to worry about the ridiculous transportation costs (both wallet- and energy-wise) that were taking a toll on my daily life and academics.
#9
I got a lot of negative feelings off my chest. It can feel good, or at least less bad, to have a catharsis like that. Kinda clears out your head.
#10
The Cafe / Re: Today I feel ..... (Part 2)
May 01, 2016, 02:56:44 AM
Quote from: Sienna on April 30, 2016, 09:52:46 PM
Hey VenganceAbsolute

Im so sorry you are feeling so terrible.
I bet you are sick of living in a world like that. I hear you.

Im definitely not trying or wanting to talk you out of your feelings, i just wanted to say to you that,
I really do not believe that you brought it all upon yourself.
These people - there way towards you, their abuse, makes you think, that it is all your fault, - even if they haven't actually said it verbally, though they might have.

When you encounter over and over others who teat you the same way, of course you would think hat you just deserve it.
it is not your fault that they are this way.

[...]

I know. Its mightily unfair to put it mildly, - but i want to tell you, that that is their issue, they either can't see what they are doing, that their behavior s wrong, or they can not ephatise with how it effects you, or they cut deal with the fact that they are wrong so they put the blame on you.

[...]

I know its so hard to believe that its not your fault. But from an outsider, who also understands so well, thing that its my fault, I'm here you, and i don't believe it is your fault.

No I hear you, I really appreciate the empathy that you're offering me. I can't really describe how grateful I am people have felt what I've felt, as sucky as it is. It can feel comforting to know that I'm not alone and there are other human beings going through similar situations. It's just kinda unfair to see the * of the earth get off scott free, to put it mildly. I hope one day these negative emotions are no longer relevant, and I have reason to welcome in better feelings to take their place. Wish there was a way to send cookies through the net, but until teleportation technology becomes feasible you'll have to accept them in spirit.

Quote from: Dutch Uncle on April 30, 2016, 07:12:09 AM
:hug: to you, Vengeance Absolute.

And  :pissed:  to all your abusers and those who put the blame on you. :chestbump:
You did nothing to bring this upon yourself, and don't believe those who tell you your existence is crime against nature.  :thumbdown:

You are a worthy human being.   :yes:

Thank you for your going out of your way and welcoming to this site. To realize that there are still people out there who are capable of compassion is a pretty big liberation for me.

I feel a little better than I did last night, now that I got all that junk off my chest and people like you two are extending a warm welcome to me despite of the fact that I probably come off like some angsty teenager who lost his Linkin Park CDs.

Oh, I just got word a couple hours ago that the school I'm transferring to accepted my application, so that's a little bit of anxiety off my shoulders. I'll admit that I bit off more than I could chew with college I'm attending now; the commute was a nightmare. Won't have to worry about that much longer!
#11
Forgive me if this thread is irrelevant to this section, I'm new here and a moderator can feel free to move it to wherever (s)he feels it would be most appropriate.

Perhaps I'm just an inferior p**sy for having emotions, as I've been told so many times before, but I've noticed something pretty sickening and pervasive on the internet in recent months that virtually no one is talking about, and that is the fact that being "triggered" has somehow become a sick joke in the eyes of so many.

So let me give a little context: "triggered" is an internet meme that's often used by keyboard fascists who associate PTSD with gender egalitarians and so-called "social justice warriors" (calling someone an "SJW" is basically the 21st century equivalent of calling them "n**ger-lover", if you've ever read To Kill a Mockingbird). The implication is that a person who's offended by anything a person says - regardless of whether it's for a good reason or not - is a weakling and crybaby and subhuman. This revolting attempt at humor essentially paints people with PTSD as the laughing stock of the whole world, acknowledging that the very notion of triggers originates from PTSD and still carrying an explicit intention to do emotional harm. Plus, it is a double insult, as it connects this mental illness with the aforementioned SJWs (yeah, as if believing in an egalitarian society makes me a terrible person. Go f**k yourself.)

Look, these are the kind of people who want to make The Turner Diaries a reality, and they're far more common than you would think. I've seen their atrocities first hand. They bully people into killing themselves and then celebrate their deaths. They believe that things like the Holocaust, rape, acid throwing and lynchings are justified. They have a pathological obsession with ripping apart ANYone who is against the oppression of people of color, LGBT people, women, the mentally ill and disabled, the poor, Muslims, Jews, etc. Some of my friends have screamed out at entire groups of people to their faces that they deserve to be pumped full of Zyklon B. God forbid I call them out on it though, because they'll scream bloody murder about how I'm a "degenerate" and "cuck". Am I the only person who gives a damn about just how cruel this is, and that they're getting away with it?!

My mother savagely beat me after finding out (without my consent) that I was bisexual. She mocked me as a "diaper-wearing sissy" constantly. I never knew what it was like to have emotional validation for my identity, or just the basic acceptance that so many others take for granted, and because of this (and a myriad of other factors) I developed CPTSD and depression. After I came of age and exited those circumstances, this sadistic culture of bigotry and defamation is the world I had to enter. It's literally adding insult to injury.

Sometimes I feel like nothing in this world is worth saving, not even myself. Especially not myself. I constantly am bombarded with exposure to this cancerous herd mentality which defames people with an ounce of logical thought, who see what's wrong with the world and actually have the audacity to stick up for the disenfranchised. I can hardly begin to even comprehend the disgusting heartlessness people exhibit, and the fact that this is reality. I don't believe in supporting freedom for the people who have consistently denied it to others. My only criticism of the people that are accused of being social justice warriors is that they aren't literal warriors. I think it's high time that the fascists are given a taste of their own medicine and the oppressors finally become the oppressed for once. If your ideology advocates the outright genocide of minorities, then you are the only one who deserves to be the victim of genocide.

I'm sorry if this comes off as ranting or angry. But I really am so paralyzed by the heartlessness of others, and am sickened that I'm unable to call them out on it. Seems as if anywhere I go abusers and traitors follow. But can anyone relate to how it seems like the whole world has made a sick joke out of the fact that you exist? Am I just crazy, or is it a little messed up that compassion and reason are incessantly mocked and seen as signs of weakness?
#12
Music / Re: Music
April 30, 2016, 06:43:57 AM
Agalloch is a good band for people who've suffered so much that they start to view their sadness as kind of cathartic and beautiful.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tdVobP7DegY
#13
The Cafe / Re: Today I feel ..... (Part 2)
April 30, 2016, 06:35:12 AM
I'm beyond sick of having to live in a world where my trauma is mocked, yet my abusers continue to even draw breath. I can't remember the last time I slept, yet I am physically unable to. I just sit there catatonic, all the tears I had in me spent ages ago, damned to look on in paralyzed terror as the carcass of my sanity is raped endlessly by the seven billion worthless maggots that call themselves humans. I could type until my fingers snapped off about how this world has mercilessly defecated all over me, but it wouldn't be of any use because I probably brought it all upon myself, right?! And if I call my torturers out on their atrocities then somehow I'm the bad guy?! I can not win. Hypocrites, sadists, abusers and traitors are all I've come to expect from this world. Any compassion I've ever known always turns out to be a cruel lie and any hope I feel is ripped from me sooner or later. Someone just come over and put me out of my misery. I deserve to exterminated anyway for being a sodomite and degenerate, my very existence is a crime against nature, remember?
#14
I'm not really sure where I should begin. Judging from what I've read on the website, I'd like to think that this forum caters to what I'm looking for. But considering how a couple mental health "support" forums have proven to be disgustingly oppressive environments for me, I really don't know what to expect. Forgive me if this sounds nihilistic, however if we're going to be honest here I fully admit to being a nihilistic, hateful, despondent, misanthropic wreck of a human being, and not without good reason.

I guess I should start out by saying that I'm a 20 year old bisexual male living in the northeast United States. I suffer from Asperger syndrome and major clinical depression; I also strongly believe I suffer from complex PTSD, however my therapist hasn't given an official PTSD diagnosis yet. The latter two issues were formed due to me being constantly bullied and abused throughout my childhood; physically, verbally, and emotionally. On top of that, my traumatic experiences have been contested and outright mocked countless times, so I attribute the torturous state of affairs in my mind to that as well. These psychological issues have a huge impact on my daily life; they've negatively affected my academic standing, social life, functioning as an adult, and probably my physical health too. I feel like my mind holds my soul at gunpoint and forces it to watch all these terrible memories on repeat. It seems as if every next thought or word that comes out of someone else's mouth is a potential landmine, and I'm powerless in avoiding them.

I apologize if the last paragraph is long-winded, rambling, or unnecessary. I'm hoping that I can find solidarity, validation, or compassion on this forum, as these are three things that I rarely experience. I also would like to connect with individuals who've been in similar situations as myself. I hope I can share some of my experiences and insights with this board. And finally, I'm looking to be referred to resources that can help bring me peace of mind, whether they're social service agencies, group therapy meetings, or mentors that can teach me all the essential life skills that the rest of the population takes for granted.

Thank you for letting me subject you to this post, and I hope your day is going better than mine. If you have any questions to ask me, feel free to do so in this thread. Take it easy.